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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has given me an ultimatum

311 replies

Memyselfandthatotherperson · 06/09/2016 06:28

Things have been been difficult for a while and these are old issues but last night DH gave me an ultimatum. Either we start having a lot more sex or he leaves.

We're generally once a week, although less lately as I'm 20 weeks pg and having pains plus general exhaustion from working FT and 3yo dc. His libedo is higher than mine and wants every other day.

This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship and he's said it's my choice to make now.
Wwyd?
Tia.

OP posts:
liletsthepink · 06/09/2016 23:10

Op, I think your anxiety would improve a lot if you ended the marriage.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine how nice your life could be without being constantly pestered for sex and suffering emotional abuse.

buzzpopprince · 06/09/2016 23:18

^He said the sex wouldn't be such an issue if it wasn't for my anxiety, which I've had most of my life. So I can either fix the anxiety or fix the sex. It's my choice.
If I'm in pain I should choose to do other things - like bj's without condoms (which is one thing I told him I don't want to do). When we have sex it needs to be good (code word me in lingerie and make him believe I'm enjoying^

Emotionally and sexually abusive and really really controlling imo OP, fix the anxiety or fix the sex, just dreadful.
He is also asserting control over how 'good' the sex should be, as well as how often you have it...Performing in lingerie so you look like you are enjoying it...all so that he feels good...(and ultimately you feel crap)
It is sickening.
I hope that you are able to confide in RL to some close friends and to your midwife, I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg
Thinking of you Flowers

Lorelei76 · 06/09/2016 23:24

this is one of the worst things I have read on MN

to me it shows that he isn't fit to raise children as well.

I hope you are okay.

Lorelei76 · 06/09/2016 23:27

a pp mentioned about saying to him how he'd feel if someone spoke to his daughter this way

in reality I think men who feel like this and have daughters simply expect their daughters to also be slaves to men. That is what they think women are for. They won't change that view because of having a daughter.

notapizzaeater · 06/09/2016 23:29

Wow, he sounds like a real catch. If he's that frustrated can he not have a wank !!

Most DH would be horrified if you were doing anything sexual under duress

LeonardInTheArgosBag · 06/09/2016 23:36

So sorry OP. Everyone is right, he's a total fuckwit. I know a baby and a 3yo on your own would be hard work but I think staying would be much, much worse for reasons everyone has pointed out.

Kithulu · 06/09/2016 23:40

If you are not enjoying it that is his problem and he needs to do something different and make sure you are happy.
'Lie back and think of England' is a thing of the past......what a totally horrid saying!

AprilSkies44 · 06/09/2016 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JudyCoolibar · 06/09/2016 23:55

So your choice is to heal your anxiety like magic, or submit to rape. Lovely.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/09/2016 23:59

Fucker. This makes me so angry.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 00:12

I'm in pain I should choose to do other things - like bj's without condoms (which is one thing I told him I don't want to do).

So you're meant to ignore your pain and get on your knees to service him? Has he always been like this? A loving husband would never do this. His wife is pregnant and in pain and his priority is a BJ. Goodness gracious me.

This is no marriage. I'd be telling him to file for divorce and you should see a solicitor.

Because the way he's behaving he's only going cheat and risk passing on a STD to you. You don't need him risking your baby's health or yours.

When we have sex it needs to be good (code word me in lingerie and make him believe I'm enjoying it).

So you should pretend just to please him? It's all about him isn't it. I honestly think you need the courage to tell him this isn't working for you.

His words are actually very chilling.

Once a week while pregnant is pretty good going.

Now I'm sad again.

myfriendnigel · 07/09/2016 00:13

Romantic sort isn't he? Shag me or I'm leaving? Yep. You off then? Bye...

Sorry op-but you are better than that, you are worth a lot more than that.

Just not acceptable.

ReadyPlayerOne · 07/09/2016 00:16

This isn't about sex or libido at all, it's about control and abuse.

Baylisiana · 07/09/2016 00:20

Completely agree with ReadyPlayerOne

The point is he wants to abuse you.

timefortea33 · 07/09/2016 00:22

Sounds as if he completely lacks the ability to empathise.

He might be able to understand through counselling, and learn to approach the issue in a more constructive way, but if he's made it this far without grasping the basics, he might not, and I'm not sure why you'd bother persuading him to do that.

He owes you a very big apology, even if you decide to go separate ways.

RepentAtLeisure · 07/09/2016 00:27

That ultimatum wouldn't be a difficult choice for me. There's no love in what he's demanding of you. He's willing to walk out on his pregnant wife and three year old in search of more regular blowjobs?

By the way I'm guessing that he doesn't work half as hard as you - does he work full time too? And do an equal share of cooking, cleaning, shopping, childcare? I bet he doesn't. He sounds far too entitled.

Please start looking into the process of separating, you deserve much better than this... individual.

KittensDoNotLikeFluffyBlankets · 07/09/2016 00:36

I am so sorry he is putting you through this. You deserve better. I think you know that already.

He is abusive.

Take care Flowers

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 07/09/2016 00:39

This is horrendous reading. What he is doing is abuse and a huge amount of gaslighting. Please get out for your sake and that of your children and I am sure you will find your anxiety settles once he is out of your life. My ex was very, very similar and reading all this gives me chills. Please look after yourself.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 07/09/2016 00:54

I'm not going to reiterate the abuse message because I hope you've got that Flowers but I remember reading on here a post about someone on a post natal ward who was separated by a curtain from a man who decided to exercise his conjugal rights.
And I remember talking to a neighbour whose husband 'needed' sex every night. They moved away.

Lynnm63 · 07/09/2016 00:57

I agree with the rest he's a prize arse hole. I'd tell him to fuck right off and to make the most of it as that'll be the only fuck he's getting.
First thing tomorrow Solicitors appointment, tell everyone you know the reason why you split.
No decent man would even think this stuff let alone issue these ultimations. I'm Shock at the suggestion he expects you to dress up and look like you're enjoying it and as for the BJ's he'd be lucky I didn't bite it off.
Sending you Flowers and unmumsnetty hugs

blondieminx · 07/09/2016 01:06

I will say something slightly different.

Something that someone on MN said to me, over 2 years ago. "If you don't end the marriage for yourself, do it for the sake of your kids. For goodness' sakes, you don't want them growing up being shown THAT as a model of what marriage looks like".

I did LTB. Life is MUCH happier now.

Darling, you really will be better off without this disgusting excuse for a man.

The Women's Aid website has a questionnaire to work out if you are in an abusive relationship. One of the questions is:

Has your partner ever forced or harassed you to have sex with him or with other people? Has he made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with?

We are all here, and on your side. There is also a 24hr Women's Aid helpline on 0808 2000 247. You know what you need to do x

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/09/2016 01:28

he is willing to treat you like this now, at your most vulnerable, is sociopathic
^this

He knows you suffer from anxiety, and I presume he knew this before he married you. Sorry, but imho, he is an abuser and has targeted you from the beginning.

You have not responded to the questions of how he was at the birth of your first dc, (presuming he is the father). Perhaps it is irrelevant; sometimes abusers play the long game and wait for a pregnancy. It is more pressure for the targeted victim to put up with it, stay for the children etc with more than one child...which could be why he is tipping his hand at this point in time.

And he feels trapped...no, he has sculpted this script as pps have said : me-me-me-me...all for one and The One for one.

He is using you. Not just as a sex doll, but in general everyday, just plain using you. You are not an endlessly renewable resource and he has used you up.

Tell him to use someone else; and ask if he is going today or at the weekend. Redecorate your bedroom and definitely get new bed linens.

I didn't see it on the thread yet so, I'll say it: when someone tells you who they are, listen.

Are you afraid of him?

Original poster
Memyselfandthatotherperson · 07/09/2016 04:15

Can't sleep.
In my first pg I remember he was frustrated. Before this one (which was planned) he said he didn't want it to be the same again. Now he says I tricked him by making out it would be different in order to get another child. What I've always wanted is a complete family. Anxiety stems from not having that growing up. He feels hurt that my focus shifted from him after dc was born and that this will happen again.
And again, this would all be liveable if we had more sex.
He's so determined that it's my choice and if the marriage ends its because I chose it. Irreconcilable differences.

OP posts:
8FencingWire · 07/09/2016 04:40

OP, that's not normal, my love.
It's really out of order. He can go, you'll be better off on your own.
Sending you strenght.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2016 05:04

It is totally natural and normal that your energies go to a small child and baby and away from your husband. Young children need lots of attention. They need this attention and care to stay alive and even more so from the mother if breastfeeding. I appreciate some husbands, often those, whose wives take on the lions share of looking after the baby do find it difficult to adjust to being lower down on the priority list without appreciating how much their wife has had to change her life.

However, your husband isn't finding it difficult to adjust. He's bullying you and making you responsible for the marriage. He sounds incredibly narcissistic. Do you have any family or friends in RL, who could be there to support you?

No, my love, you will not be responsible for this marriage break up. Did you read iamnotwhats post?. This is where you are headed if something very serious doesn't happen. To me, you came from a dysfunctional family and have married an equally dysfunctional man. I think you need help to get away from him and get some kind of help or therapy to detangle your childhood so that you can appreciate what a formidable woman you are.

iamnotwhat you are very brave.