Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has given me an ultimatum

311 replies

Memyselfandthatotherperson · 06/09/2016 06:28

Things have been been difficult for a while and these are old issues but last night DH gave me an ultimatum. Either we start having a lot more sex or he leaves.

We're generally once a week, although less lately as I'm 20 weeks pg and having pains plus general exhaustion from working FT and 3yo dc. His libedo is higher than mine and wants every other day.

This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship and he's said it's my choice to make now.
Wwyd?
Tia.

OP posts:
MaddyHatter · 06/09/2016 21:11

omg, pack his bag, give him Arfs reply and hoof him and his shit out the door!

QueenLizIII · 06/09/2016 21:11

Call his bluff.

GeekLove · 06/09/2016 21:13

Where are you OK?

missmarplesmarbles · 06/09/2016 21:14

Oh OP. I wish I could give you a hug. This is horrible. You are being abused and I hope you can find a way to leave and to be ok. This is sickening Flowers

Endofsummer · 06/09/2016 21:16

I'd not normally say this but I'd chuck him out, see a solicitor and take him to the cleaners.

Iflyaway · 06/09/2016 21:17

^He said the sex wouldn't be such an issue if it wasn't for my anxiety, which I've had most of my life. So I can either fix the anxiety or fix the sex. It's my choice.
If I'm in pain I should choose to do other things - like bj's without condoms (which is one thing I told him I don't want to do). When we have sex it needs to be good (code word me in lingerie and make him believe I'm enjoying it).^

This just makes me so sad. What upbringing did you have to make you believe that your needs and wishes are totally irrelevant?....

Gazelda · 06/09/2016 21:19

He is treating you as a performing sex worker that he likes to humiliate. Talk to your midwife, or Women's Aid for support.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/09/2016 21:19

He really has lost the plot. Sorry OP. Where the respect has gone love goes too. Apparently the words "intimacy" or "sex" are a signalhis brain has switched off. And if anxiety has been something affecting you for a long time and he knows that, how cruel to jab you with that too.

isitseptemberyet · 06/09/2016 21:19

oh my lord, sack his ass off, what a vile specimen.
Get rid of him while u still have the energy to do it, not when ur sleep deprived and hormonal.

What a vile piece of shit
Dump him and then tell pple u had to bcos he kept asking u to wear one of his mums dresses whilst u were having sex
really humiliate the toss pot
Good luck,
the world is full of good men, you do not want your child to grow up with a father like that, move on and when ur ready ull find a great example of a man to be with, who cherishes you
Dont settle x

Soubriquet · 06/09/2016 21:21

OP
Instead of using words like sex and intimacy, replace it with Rape and Oral rape. Because that's what he wants to do really.

He wants you to do whatever he wants whether you like it or not

MephistoMarley · 06/09/2016 21:23

He's a bully and a sexual abuser. Not a nice man. Take care of yourself Flowers

annandale · 06/09/2016 21:25

The way his ultimatum is changing sounds like it's not really about sex at all, or at least not mainly about it.

The stuff he's saying just sounds like he wants to hurt you though. He does know that there isn't a clause in the Declaration of Universal Human Rights about access to bareback blow jobs, yes?

Is the anxiety a reason you're not having sex so often? Is it making life hard in some way? I wonder if he finds sex a relief from anxiety and thinks you will too? I've read some man saying that sex is a respite from thinking about stuff - I just don't get that at all.

Ask him to specify what he means by 'good' and what he is prepared to do to make sex 'good'. I mean, was sex good for you, before this?

To the original OP, I can say that I would have tried to have sex more often, but to make it better for me. But you don't have to be a handmaiden like me. Also, I can tell you the last time I had sex once a week, Tony Blair was prime minister.

Inshock73 · 06/09/2016 21:27

Wow Memy what an utterly selfish, manipulative prick!

Firstly, I am almost 9 months pregnant and haven't felt like sex since about 5 months (20 weeks) so we haven't had it. My DP will try and coerce me by offering a massage but I know it's in the hope it will lead to sex so I've said no to that too. I completely sympathise with you, I also have a toddler, work full time and have SPD so my interest in sex is zilch at the moment! The pressure he's putting you under is appalling, selfish beyond words, and the ultimatum is unforgivable! How dare he threaten you with leaving if he doesn't get a fuck or a blow job as and when he demands it, you're his wife not a prostitute! and you're pregnant to boot!

You're so vulnerable when you're pregnant and especially if your hormones are going a little crazy it's easy to feel you can't think straight.

Don't allow him to pressure you, you have enough going on without having the additional pressure of trying to satisfy his selfish sexual demands. Once your little one is born take time and give some thought to the way he behaves in your relationship and consider whether this is the kind of person you want to be with. Good luck! x

headinhands · 06/09/2016 21:30

Op I couldn't have sex with someone who was only doing it through threats of consequences. I would also find it hard to admire and adore someone who did this to someone else.

Unicorntrainer · 06/09/2016 21:34

I am stunned! Intimacy is holding hands, cuddling, reassuring you when you are struggling. IT is not a BJ when you are in pain, and having to dress up for him and boost his big fat ego by convincing him that you are enjoying it.

Sweetie, he is a selfish animal with no respect for you. If he feels trapped do what you would do for any other trapped animal, set him free. But be sure and let everyone know why. He will come crawling back full of apologies but leopards don't change their spots.

I am so sorry you aware going through this, hugs and hand holding for you.

Baylisiana · 06/09/2016 21:39

So sorry you are going through this OP. It must be so frightening when the advice everyone can see is right also turns your life upside down. I think everyone else has pretty much covered it on why your H doesn't actually care about you or your experience, how your experience only seems relevant to him when he is trying to manipulate it for his own benefit.

Make sure you also focus on the fact that he apparently does not care at all about your children. Any man who did would be supporting you and his family and making sure he looks after you and makes this a good transition for his three year old. He'd be totally focused on minimising any relationship problems so that he can be there for his newborn. That would be true even if he had valid grievances, so it is even worse that his is behaving like this with no valid complaint.

The problem is not your anxiety or how often you give him what he wants. The problem is him. He can't care for you even at a time like this. He seems to lack any empathy for his wife or children. He either thinks women should have sex they do not want, or he thinks a woman should want to have sex with a man who doesn't care about her pleasure or even wellbeing. Do not let him get in your head with any of his nonsense. You will be happier without him. Just take any advice here about getting out safely.

AstrantiaMallow · 06/09/2016 21:40

Can you speak to a midwife or GP and tell them? Or family if you know they will support you? Flowers

My ex-husband threatened to visit prostitutes if I didn't have sex as often as he wanted ( including during pregnancy). He also wanted me to be dolled up, exciting and excited all the time about sex and what he wanted. What I wanted and the rest of life (small child, tiredness,illness ...) didn't even come into it.

Has he always been like this? Was he all right with 1st pregnancy? My view is he might be trying to blame you already for a marriage he wants to end. Or wants to see how much power he can wield.

For ages I thought I must be at fault for not giving my ex what he wanted and obliged. I realised on divorce he actually used prostitutes for most of our marriage. This isn't about me and I'm not saying he's cheating or anything but him trying to use this as a bargaining tool is a sure way for him to kill his marriage. He's despicable and short sighted (unless he has his sights on someone else).

Whichever it is, I hope you can get some support in RL. It's a horrible place to be.

Desmondo2016 · 06/09/2016 21:49

Is he actually an unpleasant man generally? What he has said is just downright nasty and leads me to think that he must be a bit of a night are to be married to in other ways as well as this one?

Desmondo2016 · 06/09/2016 21:50

Nightmare*

tighterthanscrooge · 06/09/2016 21:50

Hope you're okay OP

kaitlinktm · 06/09/2016 22:00

I wonder if he would agree to give you oral sex if he was in pain?

No, I didn't think so.

HorridHenrietta2 · 06/09/2016 22:02

I'd help him back his bags!!

georgethecat · 06/09/2016 22:04

Asshole.

mummyto2monkeys · 06/09/2016 22:06

I honestly can't believe your dh, can you confide in your midwife?

I had severe SPD (symphis pubic dysfunction/ Pelvic Girdle Pain) which had me wheelchair bound through two pregnancies, as well as going into labour at 32 weeks during my second pregnancy which led to me being put on enforced bedrest in hospital for six weeks before our daughter was born. Never once did my husband hassle me for sex! What if you had placenta praevia and a high risk pregnancy? He has no right to give you ultimatums! He is abusive and sexually coercive, threatening to leave his wife when she is at her most vulnerable and carrying his child. You are growing an entire human being, whilst looking after a toddler and putting up with a husband who sees you as his own personal prostitute. He is threatening to leave you if you don't service his needs, what is next?Demanding anal when you have just given birth and are still healing from childbirth?

You are worth so much more than this op, please confide in your midwife or a friend/ family member. This is abuse and you don't deserve to be treated this way! Your husband should be in awe of you right now, my husband was never gentler than when I was carrying his children. You deserve love, affection and protection from your husband, you don't deserve to be treated this way at all!

iamnotwhat · 06/09/2016 22:07

My now exH was exactly like this. All the way through our relationship, two pregnancies, pnd etc. It didn't matter to him that I had SPD and was in pain, or that it was only a week since the Caesarian, or that I was so depressed that I was crying while he had sex with me. He didn't care that I was fast asleep when he came to bed in the middle of the night to "relieve" himself (after hours of wanking online, so I later found out).

And the scariest thing is that I thought that that was normal - it's what he made me believe.

You should be so proud of yourself for asking the question now.

Best wishes Flowers