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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has given me an ultimatum

311 replies

Memyselfandthatotherperson · 06/09/2016 06:28

Things have been been difficult for a while and these are old issues but last night DH gave me an ultimatum. Either we start having a lot more sex or he leaves.

We're generally once a week, although less lately as I'm 20 weeks pg and having pains plus general exhaustion from working FT and 3yo dc. His libedo is higher than mine and wants every other day.

This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship and he's said it's my choice to make now.
Wwyd?
Tia.

OP posts:
Original poster
Memyselfandthatotherperson · 09/09/2016 18:39

Thank you for the replies. Sort of in limbo right now. He is mentioning leaving but I think hoping I will cave. I don't think I will but I am scared.
I told my mother today via text. We nearly never talk

The conversation...
Me: Ultimatum was if we don't have more sex he's going to divorce me. And that its my choice.
Her: Ahh - that IS more of a problem but probably because you are tired and pregnant - do you think he means it or is just fed up at the moment?
Me: It's very hard to tell but he seemed pretty serious. I am tired and pregnant
Her: But obviously still desirable - you should be flattered!

At which point I ended the conversation. And this is my role model for healthy relationships.

I've asked for a therapy appointment, so I'll see how that goes.

Thank you again.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 09/09/2016 18:51
Sad

I'm sure you are desirable, but that doesn't mean he's not an abusive cunt

I'm sorry you don't have much in the way of RL support. Have you got anyone else you can talk to? Please don't be scared x

Lynnm63 · 09/09/2016 18:59

Sorry about your Mum OP. I have a daughter, not even teenage yet but if she ever came to me with your problem her dh would fear for his balls I'd not be telling her at least she was still desirable.
FWIW I think you should stick to your guns. Stay strong there are lots of people on here who can help you through this with good advice borne from experience and the rest of us who've been lucky enough not yo be in your shoes with offer sympathy and support.
Flowers

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 09/09/2016 22:24

Angry at your mum, OP

user1471552005 · 09/09/2016 22:38

Some mothers are just shit.

When my mother heard of my OH regularly assaulting me she told me I should "try harder not to annoy him".

glad2016 · 09/09/2016 22:46

Angry at your Mum's response OP and Flowersfor you x

springydaffs · 09/09/2016 23:06

Some mothers mine for instance are in the dark ages when it comes to relationships.

erinaceus · 10/09/2016 04:22

If the therapist does not tell you what you need to hear, find a new therapist. You do not have to give a reason. BTDT. I recommend shopping around for a few. Unless this is a therapist whom you know, in which case I apologise and should have RTDT.

erinaceus · 10/09/2016 04:23

*RTFT.

Even therapists can invalidate your feelings, is what I am trying to say.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2016 04:59

If you want therapy, get some. For you. But I would be wary of entering therapy with a man who has stated that he wants to have sex with you that you do not want. That is one of the most abusive things someone can do.

It's your body. One you are currently sharing with his child. He doesn't care about that.

DH and I certainly didn't shag once a week when I was pregnant. He sorted himself out if he was frustrated. And things gradually got back to normal. Because he's gorgeous and I love him. Mainly for being the kind of person who loves and respects his wife. Yours doesn't deserve you.

erinaceus · 10/09/2016 06:38

YY, I would be wary of entering therapy with this person at the moment. I was thinking of therapy for you only, so that you can have a conversation with someone in RL about some of the concerns that you are expressing here. I have taken MN threads into therapy before, because I can type things here before I can say them out loud to my therapist. A skilled therapist will be nonplussed by being handed something in writing.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/09/2016 06:45

Jesus, your mother couldn't be less helpful.

Do you have any RL friends for support?

The every other day thing sounds relentless. Once a week is regular intimacy that most couples would be pleased about! I don't think you'd have any problems being a single mum, and I would bet once he was out of your life, you would feel less anxious too!

Kr1stina · 10/09/2016 07:08

Most cousellors / therapists won't see a couple together if there is any abuse

I'm sorry to hear that your mother has fallen through a gap in the space / time continuum and lives in 1916 not 2016

wayway13 · 10/09/2016 07:18

WHAT?? I haven't read the whole thread but wtf?? He's calling your bluff.

I had no libido when I was pregnant with DD1. DH understood. I had a difficult birth so sex was off the table for months after. DH understood. I'm pregnant again - 8 months - and my libido is fine but I've had a lot of PGP which makes sex difficult and painful. Plus I'm tired. Again, DH understands. It is temporary and he knows I love him. He is grateful to me for carrying his children. I'm planning to be with him until I die so hopefully we have plenty of sex ahead of us.

Your DH is an arse.

WipsGlitter · 10/09/2016 07:41

He's a total arse and you're better off without him.

zerrydeeer · 10/09/2016 08:58

Please don't give in. Yes, he would like more sex but you are pregnant & already juggling parenthood & a job.

I gave in to a bullying boyfriend & the aftermath was catastrophic. I am still recovering, emotionally, from that one.

I gave in for an easy life (or so I thought), but he just upped the ante. A few times, I would wake up to him groping ( not caressing him). A few times after having a drink, I woke up to him inside me. There was one occasion when, after hours of me questioning him (because when I woke up in the morning, something didn't feel right), he admitted to fucking me while I had been asleep.

My life now would have been so much different if I had stood up for myself than what it is now. The story only got worse but I don't want to out myself.

2h · 10/09/2016 09:03

You poor thing - been there and got this tee-shirt so no how hideous it is. All I remember thinking is 'why would I want to have sex with someone that treats me like this?' I'm now an exhausted and broke single mum but wouldn't go back for all the tea in China. You may find, as I did, that if you leave you realise how many other of his attitudes to you were way out of order as well. Good luck Flowers

LindyHemming · 10/09/2016 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkieandperkie · 10/09/2016 09:07

Ooh what a delightful man. The words you are looking for are fuck off. What a twat.

2h · 10/09/2016 09:07

Euphemia - that too !!

Dozer · 10/09/2016 09:11

LTB. And joint counselling is not recommended when one partner is abusive: yours certainly sounds it.

NisekoWhistler · 10/09/2016 09:14

Horrendous behaviour!! We have had sex 4 times since getting pregnant 38 weeks and I don't even work!! My husband has been so understanding, particularly as we used to do it 3/4 times a week! You husband is being completely unreasonable and unrealistic, but I think you know that

balence49 · 10/09/2016 09:19

What a horrible man. There would be a cloud of dust behind me and my kids we would be out of there that fast! Awful behaviour.

Good luck to him finding someone that wants him, what with his charm and conditions im sure they will be queuing around the block!

SpringTown46 · 10/09/2016 10:54

"Mum. I don't think you quite understand. He is being sexually abusive"

Branleuse · 10/09/2016 11:04

im sorry OP. Hes telling you hes giving you a choice, but a choice between two completely shit things. Either have non-consensual sex or be a single mother.

I would seriously consider the fact that even if you had more sex now, youre going to be under this pressure for the rest of your life to sexually serve him otherwise he fucks off. It shows that he doesnt see your happiness or your consent as particularly important.