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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has given me an ultimatum

311 replies

Memyselfandthatotherperson · 06/09/2016 06:28

Things have been been difficult for a while and these are old issues but last night DH gave me an ultimatum. Either we start having a lot more sex or he leaves.

We're generally once a week, although less lately as I'm 20 weeks pg and having pains plus general exhaustion from working FT and 3yo dc. His libedo is higher than mine and wants every other day.

This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship and he's said it's my choice to make now.
Wwyd?
Tia.

OP posts:
Unicornsandrainbows3 · 07/09/2016 05:10

It's not your fault and not your choice to live this way. It's HIS choice to act like this and his alone and it is disgusting. Of course your focus shifted to your child/children, that's what should happen! It's all about him, him, HIM isn't it? Has he ever once asked how you are feeling? How you are coping with things? What he can do for you to make life easier?
Please, please don't let him make you believe this is you. Is isn't. And please don't believe that the 'complete family' means two parents + children. It doesn't. A mum and kids is just as much a complete family and in your case you and your children will be able to live free of fear, guilt and constant anxiety.

43percentburnt · 07/09/2016 05:12

He sounds awful and your situation is not normal.

What do you want to happen?

Trifleorbust · 07/09/2016 05:32

"So I can either fix the anxiety or fix the sex. It's my choice.
If I'm in pain I should choose to do other things - like bj's without condoms (which is one thing I told him I don't want to do). When we have sex it needs to be good (code word me in lingerie and make him believe I'm enjoying it)."

By the ever-loving Christ. What a douche bag. Byeeeee! I would be waving him down the drive.

JudyCoolibar · 07/09/2016 06:27

In my first pg I remember he was frustrated. Before this one (which was planned) he said he didn't want it to be the same again. Now he says I tricked him by making out it would be different in order to get another child.

Does he think anyone can control how they feel in pregnancy? My DH managed to work out all by himself that if or when I get pregnant for the second and third times there was a strong chance that I would feel sick, have indigestion, have backache etc etc and sex wouldn't be at the top of my agenda. He dealt with it, because that is what grown-ups do.

He feels hurt that my focus shifted from him after dc was born and that this will happen again.

Oh, poor little flower. He really needs to grow up. Maybe if he focussed a bit more on the children and on helping you whilst they are small instead of himself, you might have a bit more time and energy left for him?

He's so determined that it's my choice and if the marriage ends its because I chose it. Irreconcilable differences.

No, if the marriage ends, it is 100% his choice to put his dick above everything else that goes into a marriage.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/09/2016 06:48

You know what? MAKE it 100% your choice and throw the fucker out. He doesn't love or care about you, he just wants his dick serviced regularly and he's not fussed how you feel about it so long as you pretend you're enjoying it.

Fuck. That.

Get rid of him before he makes your life even more fucking miserable :(

Waltermittythesequel · 07/09/2016 06:49

He's so determined that it's my choice and if the marriage ends it's because I chose it. Irreconcilable differences.

Nasty bastard. He knows your anxiety around having a family so he's using that to manipulate you.

This has turned my stomach.

Please, for yours and your dc's sake; let him go.

SomethingPhishy · 07/09/2016 06:49

Honestly, this 'man' is a selfish, atrocious cunt (& I hardly ever use that word but there is no other to adequately describe him). I agree with a pp who said how would he feel if his daughter was treated like this in 20 years time. Sadly, I think someone who thinks that it is ok to say to his wife & mother of his children you must let me rape you in order to satisfy my sexual needs is not going to have a moment of realisation & change. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation Flowers

iamnotwhat · 07/09/2016 07:08

Thanks Mummyoflittledragon.

For me, the fog cleared when he told me he had to be able to shag other people whenever he fancied in order to be a good husband the rest of the time. Hmmm really...?

One divorce later and things are so much better. No it's not easy looking after two DCs on my own while working FT - but it's a darn sight easier than doing that AND being controlled and emotionally abused.

Do what's best for you OP. I did what's best for me and my DCs. And now I'm out of it I can't believe I ever put up with it.

chocoLit · 07/09/2016 07:12

memyself I don't blame you for not being able to sleep Sad

Please look at what he's doing to you.

I'd agree that the marriage breakdown SHOULD be your choice at the end because you've decided to no longer be bullied by a man who should adore & care for you.

And make sure if he pulls that card to tell him that standing up to a bully is something that you'll not only be proud to be known for but something you'll teach your DC to do as well.

ToffeeForEveryone · 07/09/2016 07:15

He's a nasty, nasty bastard. I'd be leaving him and letting everyone know why.

AstrantiaMallow · 07/09/2016 07:20

Memyself. Please talk to your midwife or GP about this. I wish I had done.

Lynnm63 · 07/09/2016 07:38

He's correct in a sense regarding irreconcilable difficulties but only insofar as he's a cunt and you're not prepared to put up with him being a cunt any longer.
Please seek help from your midwife and a good solicitor.

myfriendnigel · 07/09/2016 07:44

I wonder how he has rationalised this in his mind? 'It's not rape if we've discussed it beforehand and she has agreed' kind of thing? Never mind that the terms of the agreement were an ultimatum-and one which he knows will play on your anxiety around having a solid family unit op.
I often wonder about people like this-do they believe their own story themselves or are they being very calculated? Either way it doesn't matter.
I would sit him down and tell him calmly that what he said was hurtful, unacceptable and not something you can get over. And so yes you are choosing to end the marriage because it's not acceptable to you to be attached to someone that thinks it's ok to treat their wife in that way.

becciandbump · 07/09/2016 07:47

This is awful an ultimatum? I'm 25 weeks pregnant and we are newly married we have only had sex 3 times since pregnancy began (and our honeymoon) as I was exhausted first 16 weeks then sore and bloated. We used to have sex regularly but my husband totally understands even when i instigate it he sometimes says he'll give me a massage instead as he knows ive been sore that day and if im honest he's right and respectful Your husband needs education on how pregnancy can affect some women. If I were you Id tell him you will leave not the other way around if he doesn't grow up.

ravenmum · 07/09/2016 07:54

He's so determined that it's my choice and if the marriage ends its because I chose it.
You do have a choice. You can choose to stay with or leave someone who treats you like shit. You are not his puppet, you do have a choice.

I had various fears before I split up with my ex, and facing them is one of the best things I have done. I now have a lot less anxiety.

What are you afraid will happen if you leave?

BreatheDeep · 07/09/2016 08:00

It is your choice to leave and that's a good thing. But it won't mean it is your fault - that is all on him for treating you like this. Is he implying that legally it will be on your shoulders? Because that wouldn't be the case at all if you tell the solicitors why you are leaving him. People leaving abusive relationships are not the reason the relationship has failed. The abuser is. And that is what your husband is.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 07/09/2016 08:06

Jesus Christ what a dick. I can't give you any sensible advice because this is so fucking unreasonable. I've just had my second baby and what with disgusting HG and clotting issues that meant I bled, we had sex a whole once in 40 weeks. My husband never so much as mentioned it, and ran around after me and our elder child more or less like a slave. Generally we have sex once or twice a week but no one is demanding anything.

liletsthepink · 07/09/2016 08:23

The problem with an abusive, controlling relationship is that it messes with your head so much that you start to believe the rubbish that you have been told. Please start thinking about talking to women's aid to get help to end the marriage.

This man treats you appallingly. Sorry to say it, but he sounds like the type who would use prostitutes because he doesn't see you (or any woman) as a person with feelings.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 08:34

OP,

I challenge your H (not D), to find any sane human being that thinks he is current,y bring anything like a decent husband. Sex I'd t something to put on the calendar for every other day.

Let him ask any of his male friends if he has any, if his behaviour is acceptable. Being honest, the fact that he could issue such an ultimatum would be reason enough for me to want to end the marriage.

He sounds awfully controlling and not in the least bit supportive. Your sole purpose isn't to service his sexual desires.

How old is he? Because he's coming across like a 16 year old immature brat.

nolongersurprised · 07/09/2016 08:47

Irreconcilable differences infers two reasonable people who just can't get on. If you divorced it'd be because he's an abusive wanker who is trying to manipulate you to have sex with him.

redisthenewblack · 07/09/2016 08:56

Irreconcilable differences my arse!

Get yourself to the solicitors and file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour....That being that your husband is threatening you with rape.

Flowers and an un-mumsnetty [hug] for you.

expatinscotland · 07/09/2016 09:07

'He feels hurt that my focus shifted from him after dc was born and that this will happen again. '

He's an adult and they are wee children.

He's an emotionally and sexually abusive narcissist.

'Unreasonable behaviour' on his part. Sexual and emotional abuse.

I'd see your midwife.

Arfarfanarf · 07/09/2016 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammouthTask · 07/09/2016 09:18

He said the sex wouldn't be such an issue if it wasn't for my anxiety, which I've had most of my life. So I can either fix the anxiety or fix the sex. It's my choice.

me I feel so sad for you, This man is using any weakness of yours to make you do things you don't want to do. Your anxiety, you wish to have stable family, to have a second child, you not giving him as much 'attention' (who does he think he is, a 3yo child or a indepedent grown up adult?) anything that could make you feel bad and guilty and might move things 'the right way' (for him!) he is using. If that's not emotional abuse mental coercion, I don't know what it is ... :(:(

He even asks you to give him a BJ and make it 'look like you like it'. Nice code again to
1- make sure there is no reason for me to feel guilty or make it look like I have coerced you into it (nice to absolve himself from what is, in effect, rape)
2- be sure he still have a stick to beat you up with it afterwards anyway. If he can see you fiond it hard, it will be your fault, if you are not enthousiastic enough, it's not 'good' enpugh for him, it will be your fault etc etc

It's not an Irreconcilable differences, it's him being a bully and an abuser.

Btw, yes, leaving is your CHOICE. t doesn't mean it will be your RESPONSIBILITY.
If you can see that someone is attacking you to in the street, it's your CHOICE to run to protect yourself. It is still the RESPONSIBILITY of the attacker to have attacked you.
If staying with him is putting your safety at risk (and it is if he asking you to have sex with him even if you dont want to, whether you do or it not. Your MH will have suffer A LOT in either case), then yes it is your CHOICE to protect yourself. For your sake but also for the sake of both your dcs.
It will never be your RESPONSIBILITY. That will always be his.

CakeByTheOcean · 07/09/2016 09:20

OP, it looks to me like your H is looking for a way out of the marriage but wants you to be the one to end it as he hadn't got the balls.

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