DH has given me an ultimatum

[Memyselfandthatotherperson]

Things have been been difficult for a while and these are old issues but last night DH gave me an ultimatum. Either we start having a lot more sex or he leaves.

We're generally once a week, although less lately as I'm 20 weeks pg and having pains plus general exhaustion from working FT and 3yo dc. His libedo is higher than mine and wants every other day.

This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship and he's said it's my choice to make now.
Wwyd?
Tia.

Memyselfandthatotherperson how are you feeliong this am? Did you manage to get a bit of sleep?

I've been thinking of you OP, can you confide in your mum/sisters/friends? PPs are correct when they say speak to midwife, she will know what support is available and where to find it

Oh, OP. This must be so much to take in.

I'm struck by the fact that (as a pp said) you have a long posting history on here, but you still feel you have to ask WWYD about such an ultimatum? Twunt must have done a real number on your head.

And I'm guessing there's more to tell.

I'm sorry, but I think you need to give up on the image of family you've carried around all this time. Please believe that being a single parent, or remarried (some day?) is so much more preferable, happier, safer, more respectable than living with an abusive rapist. Just, please, believe us here.

He feels hurt that my focus shifted from him after dc was born and that this will happen again.

OMFG this makes me so mad. Duh, where the hell does he think all the time end energy comes from to look after a small child? And of course it's totally escaped him that he could have dome more of it and so you wouldn't be so exhausted. Men like this make my blood boil! They think it's your job to look after their kids and run their house and then get upset when you have less time and inclination for swooning over their knob

He's a lost cause OP, he simply cannot compute that there are other people in the world who are separate from hm and have their own needs and feelings, and don't just exist to give him what he wants.

Also, not read every single post so I don't know if this has been raised, and sorry if it's upsetting, but men with this "poor me" attitude about not being the centre of attention any more after they have kids, often have affairs. Is there a chance he's already involved with someone and is doing this to see if you'll dump him and save him the bother of being labelled a bastard?

Absolutely FUMING for you.

Like you OP I have anxieties about being a complete family because I didn't have that growing up. I have shared this with my DH, and you know what, when I get anxious he hugs me, calmly sits me down and repeats over and over "I 'm not going anywhere, I married you, for me that means life". And so over time I am getting less anxious because he is helping me with my anxiety not feeding it.

This man is a nasty, nasty bastard. He is using your understandable anxiety that you have shared with him out of love and trust to manipulate you. He is trying to get you to "agree" to rape in advance and play along with it in costume.

I agree that he wants a way of not feeling guilty- either when he forces you into sex at a time when any decent man would back off, or if he leaves he will be able to say "your choice, your fault". This is a further sign of his conniving abusiveness not "choice".

As many pop have said, a decent guy will understand, recognize, work out for himself when is a good time for sex and when isn't. Whether that is around pregnancy, illness, past trauma. We went through a spell of nearly two years of no sex when I was going through counseling for a past sexual assault. He never once complained and even gently steered us in another direction when I tried to initiate because I felt guilty because he knew it wasn't;t the best thing for me, or for us in the long term.

I really, really believe that abuse is the only good reason to end a partnership that involves children. There is so much abuse here that I really feel you owe it to both yourself and your children to just cut this relationship stone dead.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

agree with kittens hes using your anxiety against u instead of supporting you

hes an evil man and yes i do mean evil

it wont be irreconcilible differences it will be because of abuse

I'd also consider a trip round to his mothers to see what she makes of the situation.
If I told MIL that DP has carried on like this she would be absolutely horrified

kittens your DH sourds Lovely and a really good example of how a partner should be v

I thought of you earlier me when I watched the news. Apparently we are getting ever closer to having emotional/feeling robots. According to a survey, it was quoted 14% of men believe they could be in an intimate relationship with one of these robots. If your husband manages to keep any money after the divorce (if that's what happens), perhaps he could see about investing in one. Because that's exactly what he's expecting from you.

This is from the Living Without Abuse website:

"Any sexual act that involves force (including emotional blackmail) is abuse - this includes pestering, name calling and threatening to get sex from ‘elsewhere’ in order to manipulate someone who does not want to have sex at that time into having sex... Rape and sexual abusive relationships are criminal regardless of the relationship between the perpetrator and the victim."

You can divorce him citing unreasonable behaviour. What he is asking of you more than qualifies for that. If he knew anything about divorce law he'd know that "irreconcilable differences" isn't grounds for divorce in the UK - from a divorce advice website: "People often think they can get a divorce based simply upon "irreconcilable differences". The truth of the matter is that this usually means "unreasonable behaviour" and in order to obtain a divorce on the ground of unreasonable behaviour one has to comply with the rules applicable to that particular ground including any time limits."

The helpline on the LWA website is 0808 2000 247.

WWID........ His clothes would be in bin liners on the drive, What a selfish bastard!

As pps have said, if he took this to court he'd not be given the response he expects 'oh you poor chap! Frigid wife...' He'd likely find himself being queried about coercive control.

You can have a better life than this. Either just you and the kids or with a man (and they do exist) who sees you as more than a hole.

Let him leave. 20 weeks pregnant is a red herring, that sort of ultimatum isn't okay even when you're not pregnant, it's emotional abuse at best. Your body, if you don't want sex you don't have to have it.

Hello memyself. I hope that you are managing to find your way through this. I know you haven't come back to the thread, but in case you are still reading it :

A couple of days ago I said that maybe you should give this thread to your husband to read and it was shot down as a stupid idea. The reason I said it was so that you could show your DH that there are many many men out there who do not have his attitude. Men very rarely sit down and have a good moan about how much sex they are not getting - they brag about how pregnancy turned their wives into nymphomaniacs. (Speaking from experience)

I still think your DH is a complete knob and on the face of it would tell him to sod off. But I have been thinking about you the last couple of days but have you any idea why he thinks like this. Your original post made it sound as though this was an ongoing issue brought to a head by pregnancy. Above all else he needs to understand that he is in the wrong but if you knew why could you do some sort of counselling? And before I get shot down in flames, my DH realised at the age of 8 that his parents marriage wasn't normal. It broke up when he was 22. They spent the entire time arguing with each other and having affairs both sides. He grew up believing that if only they could have sex with each other they would love each other and be happy. That is an attitude he brought to adulthood and our marriage. It has taken him many years to understand that I love him. I will not have an affair. We do not need to have sex all the time to be happy. He is my FRIEND and my lover. We have had many arguments over sex, however he has never wanted an unwilling partner and I have told him to fuck off and get it somewhere else and not bother coming home (a long time ago now). When I stopped working FT with first DC and now a SAHM I found that I was not tired all the time, I was a lot more interested. We now have sex/sexual intimacy on average of about twice a week. Like you I don't like BJ, but I am happy to use my hand and he is happy that I am happy.

So this is why I said get your DH to read the thread - he needs to realise that his attitude is wrong. He needs to help you. You do love him (maybe not so much right now), but you are busy growing a baby and he needs to fix whatever problem he has. Otherwise he will never find happiness. I don't know if you've ever heard of/read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? TBH I found it a load of tosh, but the one thing I did take from it and believe is very true is that Men want sex to show love and to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to want sex.

Whatever you do, all the very best and know that you will always find support on here if you don't have anyone in RL to talk to.

Your reasoning doesn't make it any better advice, Okkito.

It's almost never a good idea to give a thread to a partner to read; and definitely not when there is a potentially abusive situation. All it does is give the abuser new ways to shut down the abused partner, and new ways to disguise the abuse more, so that it doesn't "conform" to the standard pattern.

So no, it's still a stupid idea and I REALLY hope the OP doesn't follow your advice.

What ThumbWitches just said.

Tell him to fuck off. This is abuse and it's not a loving relationship he should be respecting your wishes whilst pregnant t. You deserve WAY BETTER

Send him an email asking him how you can make your relationship better. This will hopefully lead to him putting his disgusting demands in writing.

Then pack his bags spill some milk in amongst his clothes by accident and lock him out. He may have rights of entry but you have a right to be safe from sexual and emotional abuse.

Next file for divorce and tell everyone loud and clear why it is happening. His issue not yours. He really is just about as low as it goes.

for you. Life will be so much better without him.

okkito I do think you mean well, but the crucial difference between the OP's partner and your DH is that your DH had some insight into himself/his background. my DH realised at the age of 8 that his parent's marriage wasn't normal. So sounds like he knew his background was dysfunctional and was open to change.

Rather than insisting that you put on lingerie, lipstick and a smile to dish out bareback blow jobs as a helpful alternative to painful sex. that's a whole different story- people with dysfunctional pasts can overcome them, but they have to want to.

Choose it! Choose to end the marriage. Take the power and use it.

Your child will grow up knowing that their needs come at the bottom of the list, that no matter what is happening with them his needs have to be satisfied first. You will find that every time there's a drama with a child, even just falling over and cutting their knee, that you will have to stop tending to them because he will conjure up something he needs you for and it will always be more important.

Right now, you probably think that you won't let that happen, but he's already training you, you already think that it's OK for him to treat you like a sex toy, and believe me, you will be pushed further and further down.

He is using you anxiety against you. What sort of person does that? Think about it. Think how you would have to feel about someone to make you treat them like that. You'd have to have so much contempt for that person.

Gird your loins. Fight for your children if you can't do it for yourself. Tell him you choose NO SEX AT ALL.

Ha! It will be your choice because otherwise he is the asshole who ended his marriage because he didnt get sex often enough, and he knows what kind of cunt that makes him.

I suggest you practice saying "I am pregnant, in pain and very very tired. If sex is so important to you that you will leave if you dont get enough then understand that it is YOUR choice and not mine"

Dont be drawn into defending yourself or your position. If you must say anything then say that you are not physically capable of having more sex and that even if you were, you wouldnt want it with someone who thinks it ok to bully and threaten someone into sex with them, and that there is a word for me who do that.

Wow that's pretty disgusting behaviour men's selfishness never fails to amaze me some really badly raised men or there who have next to no reapect or compassion for women it's distributing very few proper gentlemen left, few and far

Badly raised men?? Sometimes, user, but certainly not always by a long chalk.

Sounds like he's into porn, op. LIngerie ffs

Yuk. He's a shit. I'm so sorry op

Have you been in touch with Womens Aid xx