DH has given me an ultimatum

[Memyselfandthatotherperson]

Things have been been difficult for a while and these are old issues but last night DH gave me an ultimatum. Either we start having a lot more sex or he leaves.

We're generally once a week, although less lately as I'm 20 weeks pg and having pains plus general exhaustion from working FT and 3yo dc. His libedo is higher than mine and wants every other day.

This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship and he's said it's my choice to make now.
Wwyd?
Tia.

A couple of days ago, someone suggested emailing him to ask him what he wanted you to do to make the marriage better. I think it a great idea because;

A) you're not sure if you want to leave the marriage and it will concretise what is expected of you.
B) you will understand his perception of what a wife should be as I suspect he sees you more as an object than a person.
C) it will give you credible evidence if you do decide to divorce him for unreasonable conduct.
D) you will be able to discuss this with him unemotionally to see if he is willing to understand you and treat eachother as equal partners.

Your mother sucks.

Almost as much as your abusive H sucks.

Anyway - your mother is Wrong. He doesn't "see you as desirable", he just wants to fuck someone, and he's married to you, so he thinks that gives him rights over your body. It doesn't, not any more.

I'm so angry and sad for you that the one person you should be able to rely on to be in your corner has basically said to you "suck it up, this is what marriage is all about". No, it fucking isn't - marriage should be about LOVE and mutual RESPECT, both of which seem to be staggeringly absent in your H's case.

Agree that you should make a therapy appointment FOR YOURSELF - but do not do it for your H. Do it for you.

Wow, what a charmer he is.
I'd save him a job and pack his bags for him. Then kick his sorry arse into next week.
I know it's not as easy as that but he sounds intolerable.
Hope you're ok

How are you doing Memyself? Difficult times, I know.

Having being subjected to years of EA (without realising it) I received a kind of ultimatum from my (now ex) H - either he could go and shag whoever he wanted when he wanted (as he was "fed up of trying to change me") or...

In other words I had refused to get involved in whatever depraved and degrading activities he wanted and he'd decided that that gave him the green light to get his jollies elsewhere (I'd given in to sexual bullying all through our relationship, but somehow I'd found the strength to say no to new "requests" more recently).

I think he thought i was so weak by that point (after the years of abuse) that I'd just go along with it. And of course if I had I'd have been endorsing his actions. 18 days later I had moved out with our 2 DCs into rented accommodation. It wasn't easy but I was determined - I knew it was the best for me and the children.

Not long after telling him I was leaving he told me he'd been shagging other women all the way through our relationship anyway

Getting out of the relationship was right for me but it might not be the right thing for you. It sounds like your mum might not be the person to give you the RL support you need, to help you decide what is right for you. I'm always here though if you need someone to virtually hold your hand or to be a sounding board.

Take care

When my dd became sexually active, I told er thatshe should never fel obliged to have sex or sexual activity of any sort. That goes for you too.

And bugger being desirable; how about him being desirable? Perhaps he would be more desirable if he actually helped out and showed a bit of understanding. He doesn't, so he isn't. And as he isn't you don't want to have sex with him.

He has the power to change that, so it's his choice too. He bucks himself up, you getles tired and stressed, he becomes more desirable, you might desire him.

Works both ways, Twunt.

Excuse the weird typing, iPad keyboard is strange right now.

Stopped by to see how you are doing OP. I hope you are coping x

How awful. The second post tonight I've read where the husband is threatening to leave due to lack of sex. It's pathetic, creepy and domineering. I would be echoing most of the other posters (and I never usually agree with the LTB approach) - just tell him he can go because you can do better than a nan who bullies someone into having sex with them.

He's blackmailing you, coercive and being sexually abusive. Not the stuff of sexual pleasure. Going on my own experience which is somewhat similar to you, I would say there is someone else on the horizon. Not that she is getting the prize. She's getting the wooden spoon.

memyselfandthatotherperson been thinking of you. I am sorry your mum was so unhelpful. Please call women's aid on 0808 2000 247 - it's a 24hr helpline x

How are you memyselfandthatotherperson?

Did you get a therapy appointment (just for you, I hope)?

Have been thinking of you