DH has given me an ultimatum

[Memyselfandthatotherperson]

Things have been been difficult for a while and these are old issues but last night DH gave me an ultimatum. Either we start having a lot more sex or he leaves.

We're generally once a week, although less lately as I'm 20 weeks pg and having pains plus general exhaustion from working FT and 3yo dc. His libedo is higher than mine and wants every other day.

This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship and he's said it's my choice to make now.
Wwyd?
Tia.

Sorry. You are so vulnerable at the moment. No this really isn't normal. As ravenmum said he should be wrapping you up in cotton wool, not forcing you to have sex. Non consensual sex is rape. I'd also let him leave if that's what he's like. To be blunt, you are not a fuck hole. You're a person, who's caring for his 3 yr old, working full time and bringing another precious life into the world. You sound fab.

Wow. What a complete and utter shit. 20 weeks pregnant or not, I'd be considering that a great get out clause and telling him: "Fine - fuck right off!!"

This is so unbelievably gross and disrespectful that I actually, for the first time ever, went and did a search on your username to see if this was likely to be genuine or just someone trolling for responses. I haven't read any of your old threads - just saw that you've been on here for a good while - so have some un-mumsnetty hugs from me (((OP))).

I don't know you but already know he doesn't deserve you.

I'd pack his bags. Sit at the table with him with a list of things you'll need to discuss. Financial implications of him getting somewhere different to stay while supporting you in the family home, cost of divorce, division of assists, implications for your existing child and arrangements for next baby. I'd ask him when he wants a text telling him about the birth.

Lay it all out. Make him realise he's risking his whole life and the happiness and security of his children for what....sex with someone who isn't willing? Or actually just let him leave. Does he think he'll get more sex than once a week out in the real world? I doubt anyone would touch him with a barge pole?

I'm sorry OP. What an awful position to be in.

If there was no sex I would have some sympathy (althought not whilst pregnant) but once a week is quite good for many couples!
I would tell him you are doing your best for now and the rest is up to him.
How is the relationship aside from this?
Does he pull his weight around the house or just leave you to it and still expect you to be up for sex when your knackered?

I would say good luck to him finding that unless he's paying for it .

I'd let him go, why would you have sex with someone who blackmails you?

I would have the following conversation:

"Darling. I don't want to have sex with you on demand. Do you know what having sex with someone who doesn't want to is called? It's called rape. Do you consider yourself a rapist?"

Then I'd be packing him a bag.

Utterly disgusting.

Maybe he should leave. You will only be more tired as your pregnancy progresses and then you will have a new baby.

Logically, he must know this.

Tell him to fuck off.
I'm 6 months pregnant. My husband said to me about 2 months ago 'i know you're tired, uncomfortable and emotional. Just let me know when you want it and it's fine if you don't.' Just so you have a comparison of how a man probably should behave.

He has absolutely no right to have any more sex with you than you want to have with him. What an arsehole.

What I would do is stop having sex with him full stop until he grows up and becomes a decent human being full stop and the fact you are pregnant is making him even more odious.

Show him the door. Absolute arse. Yuck!

Twistergeese I'd be waryof the first approach. Sounds like convincing him that it'd be inconvenient to split up, while not saying anything that'd convince him that he was being an absolutely disgusting and unreasonable excuse for a human being (sorry, I'm sure that's not what you meant.)

I'd just be concerned that it'd convince him to stay - for the sake of his wallet the kids, but not because he's supposed to love, cherish and respect his wife, and he'd likely be looking for gratification elsewhere...

Ugh. Let him go.

Wwyd?

What would I do? Something like this:
"We either have more sex or I'm leaving"
"I'll help you pack"

What a cunt of a 'man'

He wants you to make the choice of ending your marriage

Your in a no win

If you say no to more sex you end the marriage

If you have lots of sex you don't want he stays

In his mind he has handed the problem to you and he is now guilt and problem free.

Who would want more sex with someone who is being made to for fear of a partnership breakdown. This is what your partner is prepared to do...

I would ask him why he wants to have sex with someone who is only having sex with them to keep them from leaving?

I doubtfully this man preforms sex for anyone but himself and therefore their in lies the problem. If he was pleasuring you during lovemaking you wouldn't need to be given an ultimatum in the first place......

I'd probably cry my eyes out and tell him that he was treating me like a whore, that he couldn't possibly love me to say that. I'd tell him how he'd broken my heart and then I'd tell him that he must leave. Immediately. This would be a deal breaker even if I loved him with all my heart because his behaviour is despicable, unloving, uncaring, selfish and cruel.

Cut your loses now. It will only get worse.

💐☕

My DP would be over the moon with once a week now I'm 20 weeks pg, I don't know how you do that as it is, OP

'm 6 months pregnant. My husband said to me about 2 months ago 'i know you're tired, uncomfortable and emotional. Just let me know when you want it and it's fine if you don't.

Pretty much what mine said too, along with bucketloads of sympathy and 'I know your spd is really painful, I could bear to think I'd hurt you.'

Ditch him op, he sounds like a vile sex pest.

He is trying to coerce you into sex. How did he behave during your last pregnancy? Presumably he had to 'go without' (urgh) for a while after you last gave birth?

I'd check that he had closed the door behind him, on his way out. I would not help him pack.

Goodness, what an unpleasant person.

Poor you. Tell him to sod off then.

Oh god what a selfish, manipulative bully he is. I'm actually ashamed of him FOR you.

Please remind yourself that you are a strong, confident capable woman and you should NEVER be treated in this was. ESPECIALLY by the person who is supposed to cherish you the most.

I too would wave him out of the door.

You're pregnant FFS. The fact he has issued this ultimatum now in particular is disgusting.