My brother doesn't give me what I want

[KellysZeros]

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

I'm aware that all the advice is interesting and valuable, although it can be tailored to people's individual cases, so you can read into it. I'm confident as can be that my parents are definitely not narcissistic parents.

I can see this makes you sad. But he doesn't owe you a closeness that's never been there; you can't rehabilitate him into taking a more gratifying level of interest in you and your life. It's not for you to determine whether or not it's 'healthy' that he's happy with the level of contact you have got.

It's sad not to have the closeness you'd like, but family relationships are the result of years of cumulative experience and group dynamics and shifting priorities, and you just can't force closeness. Particularly if you are coming at it from the position that the other person is difficult and damaged and needs your help.

This, as said by Bip, and I agree with the Baroness, too.

I think that some of your posts are very revealing, OP - you are insisting that you experienced exactly the same happy childhood and parenting, and, frankly, that's unlikely to be the case. Even siblings close in age who grew up with the same two resident parents in the same place and without a golden child/scapegoat dynamics are likely to have had different experienced of growing up. I have three siblings, all close in age, and our takes on our childhood are completely different. I have the strongest relationship with the two who acknowledge we experienced things differently, and no relationship at all, really, with the sister closest to me in age, who is always shrilly insisting that her version of our childhoods is the correct one and therefore I am 'wrong'.

I would like things to be easier with her, but fundamentally, she doesn't much like me, and I've had to make my peace with that.

Honestly, OP, narcissistic parents (a term which is thrown around way too freely on here) is a red herring. Fundamentally, he experienced your shared upbringing differently. It's no one's 'fault'.

So what does it mean that the block is from him? The way you phrase it makes it sound as though you are claiming the moral high ground, and I wonder whether this is something that is very important to you, and possibly infuriating to him.

Maybe it's not a 'block' - his putting something in the way of the closeness you want - but a complex relationship in which your parents, his own family obligations, etc all play a part? If you can start to see it this way rather than 'It's not me who is doing the blocking; I'm being perfectly reasonable' you might get closer to understanding what's going on, and why you are not close.

If he is 'blocking' you deliberately, he's
probably not doing it just to thwart your desires for a close sibling relationship, or to be difficult. There is a hurt or discomfort there that you don't believe is justified by your recollections of family life (your parents were perfectly lovely, etc), and so you find him unreasonable, and seem to feel on some level he should be brought into line.

wow you really just cant see it can you? You brought up GC - SG roles and some dysfunction in your family. But you cant see how miserable it is to be the SG, to be labelled as 'difficult', to have no place to be yourself in a way thats valued in your nuclear family. Your posts make it clear you want stuff from him, a closeness, as response to your pics for him to give you what you want.

How about you try to understand him? respond to what he's sending you? Ask him open ended questions about how he sees things without the assumption that hes ;difficult' and accept his answers as his point of view and valid. I wouldnt open up to my GC siblings immediately because I have plenty of experience of how they shop me to our parents or undermine my experiences because they cant bear for our childhood to be different from their GC experience of it.

Lovely. So not even your parents could mention that not turning up wasn't nice because they were afraid of how he'd react. So he does what he likes but can't take criticism. Sounds like a right gent to me. I hope he treats his wife properly. The fact he feels he can openly be horrid with no reason given & the behaviour is accepted is not good.

For me personally, I would have to ask what the problem was. I doubt you'd get a good response. And then I would leave it, live my life to the fullest and ignore him. Challenge anything nasty he does to you directly but otherwise don't bother.

Be prepared for it to get much worse when you have children so brace yourself. Laugh at him, ignore him whatever - but don't let him upset anymore happy occasions for you.

I don't think my ex's parents are/were narcissists, either. That's a rare, extreme condition. They were a pretty average, normal family.

Well, Perspicacia has a point. You can try not get too 'deep' about these things, and accept that you are the one doing the reaching out, when it comes to your brother.

Personally, I wonder why your parents didn't say something to him - just a gentle cajole, say, even if they weren't ultimately successful in getting him to come? (I know they can't actually force him).

It's really difficult from what written to tell whether it's brother, your parents, or a bit of both - but I do think it's extremely strange that he didn't come to your wedding, and I'm not surprised you're upset.

I also think it's strange that he spends so much time with the parents and not you. Definitely a weird family dynamic here somewhere.

Mummy - yes you are right. I honestly feel grateful and joyful every day that I got away. I'm free. Nothing consistently makes me happier.

OP - I do think not coming to your wedding is really shoddy.

However I really think you have to stop using the word 'difficult' behaviour.

He is unhappy. It sounds like you make him unhappy. And he maybe doesn't like spending time with you.

I know that's difficult to process but a relationship takes two. Perhaps he doesn't want to frame his relationship in the past as you seem to. What about doing things on his terms?

Perhaps your brother didn't have the care and parenting he needed and to protect himself, he created a narcissistic bubble. It is very hard to hear my mother talking so nicely about my brother and being such a bitch to me, refusing to take and interest in what I am doing or even acknowledge my achievements. I could so easily be a narcissist to screen the pain and so glad I escaped narcissism. I was pretty narcissistic at times in my early adult years.

"We live a distance apart, but we do app a lot - he sends me lots of pictures of his children, so we have a fair bit of contact."

Perhaps the relationship is closer than you think?

My sibling is in a different country.

We get on really well when we see each other, although that is rarely, but contact inbetween is virtually nonexistant from their end!

If I ask a particular question I don't often get an answer to it, just a generic "great to hear from you, must dash, will reply when I have more time".

And then nothing!

*wow you really just cant see it can you? You brought up GC - SG roles and some dysfunction in your family. But you cant see how miserable it is to be the SG, to be labelled as 'difficult', to have no place to be yourself in a way thats valued in your nuclear family. Your posts make it clear you want stuff from him, a closeness, as response to your pics for him to give you what you want.

How about you try to understand him? respond to what he's sending you?*
I do see it, although I didn't really bring up the scape goat thing, which has then created a whole load of assumptions. I'm very aware that I was a confident, happy teenager that did well academically and pretty easy to get on with. I'm sorry about that. I'm also aware that during my brother's teenage years, he wasn't so happy and it led him to become quite angry and resentful at the world around him. I don't think it was something forced upon him by our parents.

I don't think you get me when I say I want relationship with him. It's not me knocking at his door screaming at him and demanding it. It's just I would like / want a relationship where he can be happy for me.

The apping is frequent, but not close. He will tell me about his children, and I will ask about them, but he will never ask about me, or how I am.

What I think the problem is that he seeks approval from my parents desperately (and will send them pictures of the children daily) and visit every week with the children, but I think he sees it as a zero-sum game

But that will take both of you changing. Not just your brother.

What are you going to do differently Op?

I don't think it's unusual to want a close relationship with a sibling, or to be sad when you realise you're not going to have one. I've learned to manage my expectations but still feel sad at times.

Kellys, you seem to me to be working hard at "seeing" what other people are suggesting even if it isn't palatable or might not actually apply as we don't know you :) It's all just ideas, we might not be on the right track, but it's worth thinking about as you never know...

Havent read every last post but skim read.

However the title of thread speaks volumes considering he was the scapegoat:

My brother doesn't give me what I want

Wow.

His role in life is to continue giving you what you want whilst growing up felt ignored, sidelined, put upon and in your shadow?

He is supposed to continue giving you what YOU want. What about him?

I get it. I was the SG. No matter what I do in my family, it isnt good enouhg, it is my fault and if I try and assert myself, I get oh she is being difficult again, move on and grow up and stop living in the past.

They cant see that what they did to me growing up was abusive. It was like I didnt exist other than to pander to them.

Which is what your thread title is reminiscent of.

You didnt say I'd like to have a relationship with my brother...you said he doesn't give me what I want. You need say no more. It speaks volumes

I don't think you are even considering what people are saying. Some if it might be slightly off the mark but lots of it may be relevant in helping you to understand why your brother behaves the way he does.

I'm sorry to say it but you don't come across as a good listener or an empathetic person, and if you're like than in real life as well as on this thread, I'm not sure I could be bothered with you either.

What's a zero-sum game?

There's no getting around that title, op.

He doesn't give me what I want. Look at that - look at it properly.

You could have said 'my brother isn't interested in a relationship', 'My brother's disinterest is hurtful', etc.

But you said My brother doesn't give me what i want'. The focus is on what you want. Which may be a pattern in general in your life. And the way you view the world: what you want.

I'm not getting at you! You've been pandered to throughout your formative years, you are used to getting your needs met in all likelihood. You notice when your needs aren't being met (not everyone has that btw). Your focus in the title is that you aren't getting what you want from your brother. It is a very revealing title.

Families are so difficult, my brother has been difficult ever since I remember he had health issues not life threatening/limiting but it was horrible for him for a lot of his childhood. He was treated very differently by most of the family and given many excuses for his behaviour sadly he believes that these excuses still exist in his adult life and continually makes difficulties in family life. I've now got to a point where I find Nc the only real solution to protect myself and my family from the effects of his behaviour. It's very sad but necessary. You can't make your brother more interested in you so at some point you will have to accept the relationship you have.

'I want a relationship where he can be happy for me'

Why do you need validation of your happiness - particularly from someone you keep insisting is unhappy himself? From your posts you seem to regard him with a mixture of resentment and pity, yet you expect him to cheerlead you.

If you are happy, that's great! Be happy! Be happy being happy! No point spoiling your own happiness because one person in your life isn't being sufficiently effusive about it.

Queen, However the title of thread speaks volumes considering he was the scapegoat:
My brother doesn't give me what I want
Wow.
His role in life is to continue giving you what you want whilst growing up felt ignored, sidelined, put upon and in your shadow?

Wow, you haven't read the thread! Crikey. That's not what I'm saying at all.

if he'd attended your wedding I suspect you wouldn't have written this post. Why? Because he'd have delivered what you wanted.

Not attending a sibling's wedding without a reasonable excuse is a big deal. It speaks volumes. If you don't have any idea why he didn't come then I also suspect that you really haven't been 'listening' to what's been happening in your relationship for many many years prior to the wedding.

There's no getting around that title, op.

Can I edit to "would like"? That's all I'm saying. I want / would like a close relationship with my brother.

Not attending a sibling's wedding without a reasonable excuse is a big deal. It speaks volumes. If you don't have any idea why he didn't come then I also suspect that you really haven't been 'listening' to what's been happening in your relationship for many many years prior to the wedding.

I have been listening to it for ages, but the wedding brought it to a head. I can't remember the last time he took an interest in my life, but where it is all about him.