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Relationships

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Original poster

My brother doesn't give me what I want

396 replies

KellysZeros · 05/09/2016 23:27

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 06/09/2016 09:12

"My parents aren't some narcissistic parents who set out to create some golden child / scapegoat relationship as some have suggested."

OP, you seem to be implying that people have made this up, but you were the one who told us about a dysfunctional dynamic and said that you were the "golden child".

You are very quick to defend your parents. You're not so quick to defend your brother, who you don't appear to like - you say he is difficult and imply that he is self-centred when you say that he wouldn't have enjoyed your wedding, because the day was about you and not him. Maybe he's the narcissistic one, but if he is, and I'm right in reading between the lines and guessing that you dislike him, why do you want to be close to him anyway?

I think it would be better to accept the relationship for what it is, and focus on the people who are interested in you, who did make an effort to attend your wedding, and who give as well as take.

Memoires · 06/09/2016 09:13

Have you asked your parents for their thoughts?

Shakirasma · 06/09/2016 09:13

Who decides what is and isn't difficult behaviour? You are judging him as difficult by your standards and condemning him for it, yet he may well find you very "difficult" by his standards.

Tbh I think your determination to not see what is glaringly obvious about your DB's childhood and the impact it has understandably had on him is difficult behaviour on your part.

Liiinoo · 06/09/2016 09:14

You seem to trying very hard to change him and make him into the brother you would like to have rather than loving and accepting the brother you actually have. Is that replicating the patterns of childhood?

You cannot change other people. As a very wise Disney princess once said 'Let it go'. Elsa loved Anna despite her flaws. Maybe you could learn to accept your brother for who he is.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 06/09/2016 09:16

I think you're massively overthinking it all. Maybe it's a lot less about how he feels about you and just the fact that he's self absorbed and much more interested in his own life. A lot of people are.

Not all siblings are close or look out for each other. It seems you want an idyllic family bond, but he doesn't. That may be for his own reasons rather than being about you personally, or your upbringing.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 09:21

OP, you seem to be implying that people have made this up, but you were the one who told us about a dysfunctional dynamic and said that you were the "golden child".

What I think is that there is some extrapolation going on. When we reached our teenage years, I think I was a fairly confident, happy teenager who did well academically. My brother at some point in his teenage years expressed an anger that was difficult to deal with. One incident that I recall when I was 13 and he was 15, we were on a family holiday and we went in a rowing boat. I somehow wasn't rowing properly, and so he started screaming and shouting on the middle of this lake about how I was a f**king useless idiot. If the labels of golden child were ever put on me, it was by my brother, rather than I think our parents creating it out of some narcissistic attitudes.

OP posts:

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 09:21

I think this may be simply closer to the truth and I just have to accept it.

OP posts:

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 06/09/2016 09:22

should I not judge his behaviour in any way, even if it is upsetting for people around him?

It's just that you are approaching it from a very KellysCentric position. His behaviour is just his behaviour. His life choices are just his life choices. That they are not what you want them to be doesn't not make them difficult.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 06/09/2016 09:24

Sorry, double negative in that last sentence!

Doesn't make them difficult.

WuTangFlan · 06/09/2016 09:25

Reframe "difficult behaviour" - no one is "difficult". That's not an emotion. You get frustrated behaviour, angry behaviour, desperate behaviour. "Difficult" is merely a description applied by other people who are dealing with the behaviour, in terms of how they find it.

Behaviour which some might label difficult, for instance, might be choosing to be vegetarian: "she's just doing it to be awkward/prove a point" and ignoring/not respecting the reasons behind that choice. Other people may consider things like someone being emotional in public as "difficult behaviour" because it's embarrassing for them to have to deal with. Others could argue that it's the embarrassed person's problem to deal with, if they're getting upset by it then it's their issue to work on. People might have different definitions of "difficult". But generally it refers to not agreeing with someone's choices in terms of their conduct. It's based on perception.

"I have a suspicion that he's not truly a happy confident person." But the version of him you know is not going to be the version of him that his wife, his children know. I don't think I could be happy and confident with someone who I knew had already labelled me as "difficult". In itself, I would find it "difficult" to have a decent relationship with someone who I knew thought of me like that, as there's a whole heap of stuff to unpack in that label, about your thinking: you do come across as quite patronising towards him. One could argue that you are difficult to communicate with, based on what posters here are saying and what you're responding with. You say "should I not judge his behaviour" - it sounds like you've been doing that his entire life...

ShotsFired · 06/09/2016 09:25

100% what EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard said.

I know it's hard, but as others have said, you may just have to accept it.

When I said it was odd earlier (and you replied saying you didn't think it was), I more meant it was odd that you wanted this close relationship now, after so many years of an entirely different, non-close relationship. You can't just magic up instant closeness, it develops over time and shared experiences. Sure, you could try and start working on that now, but only if he wants to. And sadly it doesn't seem like that is what he wants.

Have you asked yourself why now you suddenly want this close relationship? (not meant aggressively). Has something in your own life changed or happened that has pre-empted this desire? Why now and not when you were kids/teenagers/young adults etc?

WuTangFlan · 06/09/2016 09:27

"My brother at some point in his teenage years expressed an anger that was difficult to deal with. One incident that I recall when I was 13 and he was 15, we were on a family holiday and we went in a rowing boat. I somehow wasn't rowing properly, and so he started screaming and shouting on the middle of this lake about how I was a f**king useless idiot."

This doesn't sound like atypical teenage behaviour in relation to sibling rivalries tbh. Hormones and all that. The fact you're harking back to his teenage years when he's now an adult in his mid 30s is also telling.

SealSong · 06/09/2016 09:30

You are continuing the same narrative that was set up when he was a child - that he is the difficult one, and you are not. Maybe he can see this, and resents it.

Shakirasma · 06/09/2016 09:35

Totally agree SealSong.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 09:36

Ok, I may try to speak to him, but it may be that I just have to be that he will have to accept our relationship at it is.

I'll have to ponder on the topic of what I consider difficult behaviour. As some say, it could be considered how he wants it, and it's only my judgement of what is normal and what isn't.

(I brought up the childhood, because I was asked about it).

OP posts:

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 09:40

You are continuing the same narrative that was set up when he was a child - that he is the difficult one, and you are not. Maybe he can see this, and resents it.

I do get this, but I don't know what the solution is. Perhaps I just need to manage my expectations.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 06/09/2016 09:40

You're right, OP, that it might be a good idea to talk to him. As Enrique says, it may just be that he's not thinking of your relationship at all. Or it might be jealousy, or feeling like the crap one with a perfect sister. The boat incident is a long time ago - I wonder why you remember it - but maybe that was him grasping frantically at something his super-sister wasn't any good at! (Or just him being hormonal; my otherwise lovely 16-year-old just gets really pissed off sometimes...)

Headofthehive55 · 06/09/2016 09:41

I think brothers are sometimes are like that. Life leads you on a different path and I think you are less likely to be close to a sibling of the opposite sex.

My brother was once cross with me because I sent him a text on his work phone. I just think he doesn't want to be close. He's just not that bothered by me. I've never been to his house.

Castironfireplace · 06/09/2016 09:43

I think he sounds like a tit & he is bullying you & you put up with it because you're the good one so will nicely brush it under the carpet.

Did your parents not say anything when he didn't show up to your wedding? Did no one actually reproach him for being so rude?

I totally understand the golden child dynamic, believe me & I certainly wasn't the golden child but this sounds like he's just unpleasant & used to getting his own way.

I would speak to your parents, very gently, and ask why he treats you so badly. The fact that he is able to treat you like shit but yet spend every weekend with your parents & send you multiple photos of his kids does not scream downtrodden underdog. It must make every family event unpleasant & awkward for you.

If anything the fact your parents let this go on from your young teens is a bit concerning.

Mind you my advice may be biased - my DH's brother is all woe is me yet he is now an overgrown spoilt brat who must continually get his own way. He delights in being rude and the wedding thing rang bells for me - if we didn't all worship at his feet for special occasions there would be outright hell to pay, yet for anyone else he wouldn't bother himself. So take my words as another perspective with my own issues!

springydaffs · 06/09/2016 09:46

talks of narcissistic parents (usually mothers)

Where did you read that? I've done a lot of research on gc/scapegoat dynamic and never read it's the mother's 'fault'.

but of course it's always the mothers fault..

Iwantamarshmallow · 06/09/2016 09:47

I had a very similar situation with my sibling. As adults she held very little regard for me but was quite happy to use me and DP for whatever she needed. I tried to talk to her about it and for years I fought to get her to be the sister I wanted. It didn't work I couldn't change her or her feelings towards me. I think a lot of it came down to our different lifestyle choices and the relationship we had with our parents. I realised I had to except the relationship with my sister the way it was or move on. After a while I had to admit to myself that the relationship wasn’t going to work . It just wasn’t what I wanted. I severed all contact with her and moved on, I'm much happier now and so is she. I would suggest talking to your brother but if that doesn't work in the end I guess you have to except the relationship for what it is or walk away.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 09:48

Castironfireplace

Thanks for a different perspective. It's what makes it so difficult. If I read the thread, there can so much projection (this could all result from me being a bad sister, our parents being narcissists, or him simply being difficult).

My parents didn't say anything for him not coming, because they wouldn't want to upset him, but I know they were disappointed that he didn't want to be there.

OP posts:

BipBippadotta · 06/09/2016 09:48

I can see this makes you sad. But he doesn't owe you a closeness that's never been there; you can't rehabilitate him into taking a more gratifying level of interest in you and your life. It's not for you to determine whether or not it's 'healthy' that he's happy with the level of contact you have got.

It's sad not to have the closeness you'd like, but family relationships are the result of years of cumulative experience and group dynamics and shifting priorities, and you just can't force closeness. Particularly if you are coming at it from the position that the other person is difficult and damaged and needs your help. This is just perpetuating the scapegoat / golden child scenario and will likely piss him off. He may feel he's being used to shore up your own sense of identity as the one who's got it everything sorted - as this is what scapegoats are commonly used for.

Brankolium · 06/09/2016 09:48

You say that your parents did their best to not treat you differently. That may be true, but you aren't in a position to have an objective opinion on it,

All the anger your brother showed as a teenager must have come from somewhere. Maybe there had been subtle undertones of favouritism for a long time and he only then getting angry about it.

That wouldn't be your fault, but you can see why he'd distance himself from you. And even if he now has a good relationship with your parents, the foundation of your relationship is rocky and built on resentment.

Totally up to you whether to chat to him about it, but be aware that it risks further distancing yourself from him.

springydaffs · 06/09/2016 09:50

I told my brother I loved him. Just that. No 'why don't we get on'.

He's crap at keeping in touch (with one and all) but I know that had an impact.

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