My brother doesn't give me what I want

[KellysZeros]

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

My Db still bears a grudge against my dsis- she took his place as baby of the family 57 years ago.
He was 7 so I think that exacerbated it- had he been younger he might have taken it better.

My uncle resented my mum for being born until the day he died - aged 84.

I too think you are getting a hard rap on here by some posters. You have to bear in mind that a lot of posters are the scapegoat and have had to weather your approach from their own siblings/family. So there may be some projection going on.

However, I couldn't be so kindly to my siblings as I have been to you. Some wounds go so deep I can't care whether they are sorry (they are not) or damaged (they certainly are). No one comes off scot free in the dynamic you illustrate.

fwiw it's perfectly normal to want a closer relationship with a sibling we care about and love. imo it's hurtful he never asks about you and your life; hurtful he didn't turn up to your wedding (just a thought: your weddings happened close together after he had dithered for years - do you think he felt, probably irrationally, you were stealing his thunder yet again ?)

As mummy says, it sounds like you've been given a family role - both of you have been given roles within the family and both of you appear to have fulfilled them. Your (positive) role is not great for him in his (negative) role, try to see that.

Ultimately, it's not about you as individuals but the culture you were raised in. What I mean by that is try not to take it personally, even though it hurts.

I'm not a scapegoat and I'm not projecting.
I just think the OP (or at least her posting style) is very annoying.
HTH

I think this situation is much more about you than him. You clearly have issues about him and he doesn't feel the same. Why do you so desperately need this relationship? I think you need to explore this need for his attention/affection. I accept its odd he wasn't that bothered by your wedding, but otherwise your relationship doesn't seem that different to my DB. I'm happy to see him when I do, but I don't feel the need for this close relationship you crave with your brother. Perhaps you need to explore your needs and not worry about his problems so much

KellysZeros

Just because you know him doesn't mean that you understand him.

Mummy, indeed you make a good point. it is frustrating to be put in a box, and this thread is a good demonstration of that. I'll try to see if I can talk to him but it may not be possible

The thing is, however you see him you see him through your own filters, and you are not willing to even admit they're there, let alone try to see without them.

anotheremma

That will certainly encourage the OP to reflect on her vulnerabilities. Bravo.

My brother was just over 2 when I was born. I don't think there is necessarily an age, where a younger sibling is more readily accepted by an ill prepared elder sibling. Brother was heavily jealous of me. Narcissistic parents, especially mother set us up for a lifelong situation of just not getting along. Mother had/has no idea how to hold a family together - father deceased in my teens.

I'm the scapegoat and have been defined and put in the box since I found a voice in my teens. My brother is very similar to my mother. At nearly 50, he is finally starting to see how narcissistic our mother is. Up until a few months ago, he and his wife were happy to scream at me and berate me and scapegoat me just as they were taught by my mother. Sil saw the light after I finally shut down and refused to take any more of the abuse. I have reconciled that we will never have a close relationship. He and his wife drink regularly and at times heavily and their lives revolve around very different interests to us. They struggle to understand a) that I'm chronically ill and b) accept that I hardly ever drink - alcohol makes me ill. They see life very differently from me. And that's fine. It would be nice were it different so that our children could be close, but it's not. I used to be where you are Kelly. It's not a nice place and I hope you find peace.

gonetosee
I wasn't trying to encourage the OP to do anything. I posted some helpful posts at the beginning. Lots more people did. But the OP made it abundantly clear that she wasn't open to reflection. So I got bored of trying to be helpful.
Bravo for the sarcasm though

You're very critical of your brother!

Me and my younger brother are really different in terms of our interests (almost polar opposite), and at times growing up we didn't like each other much. Outside of special events, we don't talk and tend to drift a bit. He has his long-term girlfriend, his work and hobbies. I have my career. It's normal for our relationship that we don't talk much, but I'll ask mum how he's doing and probably vice versa.

I'd consider us to be really close and I love seeing him at birthdays and Christmas. But life has moved on, and we live far away, so we don't keep up.

Now, he's always been laidback and shy. So I could have blamed him for this lapse in contact. I could pick apart his dyslexia, the fact that I achieved far more highly in school than him. I could analyse the fact that if I Whatsapp him a funny photo, I might get a reply, and assume he's got a chip on his shoulder about me. I could pick and pick and pick until I found a narrative that "explained" it all. Or I could accept him as he is.

If the day comes that my little brother doesn't attend my wedding, I will go round and ask him why if it bothers me. And I would likely be heartbroken. But you've never asked the question and are concocting fantasies in your head about another person, instead of dealing with the actual problem.

What does it even matter if he's jealous of you? Is it your business that he once flashed a wanker sign at someone? Does that say something about "him" as a person?

Even when he's sending photos of his own child, he's doing something wrong - it's because he's insecure, seeking approval. Something negative. Not just sharing pictures of his children.

You resent talking to him because he never asks about you. Some of my friends are bad at that. Some people are just a bit shit at communicating. To then decide that his lack of interest in you is because you went to uni, is presumptuous and a little arrogant.

Also, have you considered that he might be 100% up to speed with your life because he spends so much time with your parents?

I do find your posting style very odd. It's almost a patronising, faux-concern about your brother who, to be honest, just seems like an uncomplicated man living his life, not someone crying out for help.

**might not get a reply

*Emma

You mean you got offensive and hurtful. She had tried to open up a little, perhaps you didn't read those bits or it didn't mean much to you. You have probably made her regret that. Calling a poster annoying when she has acknowledged deep feelings of hurt about her place in a ' little sister ' dynamic could really hurt you know.

Who made you the thread police?

gone quite a lot of people have made exasperated snippy comments. Including me.

Not great maturity I know but seems a bit harsh to focus on Emma. She did genuinely try to help OP earlier in the thread didn't we all

Thanks Batteries.
I thought it was weird to focus on me as well, when other people have made comments that are just as bad or worse.

Because annoying struck me as something that would sting this specific poster given what she'd recently acknowledged. Arrogant etc., not so much.

I know you have a conscience because I've seen your posts before, anotheremma. You know you don't have to be police in any form to stick up for someone. As batteries has demonstrated :)

Yes I have a conscience and I'm kind to people who need and appreciate support. I also say what I think and I tell people if I think they're being annoying. And I don't appreciate being "told off". I am prepared to apologise if I've overstepped the mark but I don't believe I did here.

But then it seems I am being just like the OP in refusing to admit that I'm wrong. Oh the irony

Hmmm. How about you keep on telling people if they're being annoying and I'll keep on telling people if they're being mean

The only thing I really want to say though, is that the people who most need support don't present that way. They don't appreciate it.

I feel sympathy for you OP. The post telling you that you are fulfilling family roles is the correct story imv. I think db bears a grudge but it could also be that he isn't that interested (I find my family are more likely to criticise my perceived wrongdoings than share happy moments)
You can't change another person you can only change yourself. I would look to friends for closeness not family.