My brother doesn't give me what I want

[KellysZeros]

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

Yes, your parents might not have been the loveliest to me.

A lot of my parents attitude/behaviour towards me was because they were ill equipped to parent me. I am not the same as them, and rather than understanding me and what made me tick and getting to know me as a person, they tried to punish me into being more like them.

I'm still nothing like them!

If he had a hard time at school and they, as his parents, were ill equipped to help him through that and didn't respond to his emotions in a constructive/positive way, then they failed him. It wasn't his fault for having problems at school or having an emotional response to that.

Sorry, not have been the loveliest to him !!

Attila,

Thanks for your advice, but I really don't think it fits what happened in our childhood, and I don't think they can be directly blamed. That's not me being wilfully blind to some narcissistic dysfunctional relationship here. It does happen to people, but it truly isn't the case. Our parent aren't perfect, but they are truly great parents.

But I do think there is a paradox or contradiction of some sort that has to be dealt with. Is the solution to his difficult behaviour is to somehow put aside his difficult behaviour, so I can help him and me understand why he is difficult? (That sounds like I'm making a joke, but I mean it seriously).

No, I don't think he wants your approval.

I think he can see that you don't 'see' him, or 'hear' him or understand him and so he distances himself from you because you're not someone he wants to be around particularly.

And don't ask him if he resents you. Tell him you want to talk. And then listen.

KellysZeros We're not very close, and I would like to be close to him

This is quite an odd thing to say. You grew up with him in a certain dynamic (whatever it was) so it's going to be nigh-on impossible to suddenly change it into another thing just because you want to. And actually impossible if he doesn't want to. I fear you may just have to accept it for what it is.

(Within my family, for example, we didn't really do physical affection. To this day I find it very strange and quite uncomfortable to hug my mum. Yet I am perfectly happy hugging pretty much anyone else in my life, because my relationships with the other people has always been like that.)

LastRose, I can agree with you there. My parents aren't some narcissistic parents who set out to create some golden child / scapegoat relationship as some have suggested, but they could have been better at dealing with the problems he went through when he became a teenager.

Is the solution to his difficult behaviour is to somehow put aside his difficult behaviour, so I can help him and me understand why he is difficult?

Stop talking about his difficult behaviour for a start.

You are not superior to him, you don't need to help him understand why he is difficult.

We might all be completely heading up the wrong path with this, but from the language you are using alone, I would not want to speak with you and I wouldn't feel confident about being 'heard' if you were my sibling.

Is the solution to his difficult behaviour is to somehow put aside his difficult behaviour, so I can help him and me understand why he is difficult?

When you can see what is so wrong with what you have written there you will be in a place where you can actually talk to him and listen.

Not sure why it's odd to want to be close to my brother. I can only try to talk to him, but others have suggested, maybe I just have to accept that he doesn't want a close relationship with me, for whatever reason.

. Our parent aren't perfect, but they are truly great parents.

You think they're great; clearly he does not. Also he would have seen mum and dad at your wedding; two people he likely did not want to see either.

Talk to him but be fully prepared to either be brushed off or hear some stuff you will not like about your parents.

My parents didn't set out to divide and conquer either.

My brother is very similar to my mother and I am the opposite. My mother just didn't recognise me and I wasn't the child/teenager/20something/30something she wanted/needed me to be. And rather than getting the know the person I was/am, she punished me for being different.

If we'd been colleagues, we'd have acknowledged each other politely and had absolutely nothing to do with each other, but she was my parent and held all the power.

But I don't believe, for a second, that she carried a child for 9 months, gave birth to it, looked at it and thought, "I'm going to make your life hell". Of course she didn't. But she was ill equipped to meet my needs and so she didn't.

If you do speak with him, you are going to have to be prepared to hear somethings about them that you don't like and don't agree with. But it's really important that you don't deny his experience of them.

I think that, at the moment, he might just not want to spend time with you or be around you because he knows you're not yet ready to hear his story.

Is the solution to his difficult behaviour is to somehow put aside his difficult behaviour, so I can help him and me understand why he is difficult?

When you can see what is so wrong with what you have written there you will be in a place where you can actually talk to him and listen.

I'm glad you spotted it, and I'm genuinely interested because I'm not sure I get it. Putting aside for a moment all that went on with our childhood or whatever, there is currently a problem, some difficulty, and it seems to me that problem is at least expressed in his difficult behaviour. To me, it does seem strange that he takes no interest in my life and cannot express any happiness when I get married.

I understand it might have arisen from some family dynamic. So in order to get to the bottom of it, I should listen to him to hear what he has to say. I think that makes sense.

I don't think there's some innate weirdness in him however, that means he is tarnished for life.

Atilla,

You think they're great; clearly he does not. Also he would have seen mum and dad at your wedding; two people he likely did not want to see either.

He spends every almost every weekend visiting our parents with his children. He very much wants to spend time with my parents. He sends my mum almost daily several pictures of his children. I think he wouldn't have liked my wedding because for one day, the focus would have been on me, rather than him.

My half-siblings are all a good decade younger than me, and I left home when they were small then moved abroad, so we ended up in a relationship where I was more like an aunty to them. I'd send them gifts for their birthday etc. without necessarily getting anything in return. When my marriage broke down after 20+ years they reacted like you might if it was a distant relative; didn't offer any support, just made some "oh dear" noises then life went on as before. On my birthday that year, which I spent alone, I got messages from my FIL and even my ex, but not from them.

This spurred me to think about our relationship. Why had I always acted the part of the aunty? They clearly weren't interested - why had I insisted on sending them gifts? Was it to guilt them into sending me something? Why did I want them to act like we were close when we weren't? Why did I expect them to see our relationship the way I wanted it to be, then get annoyed when they saw it differently? Why did I put more effort in, then feel bad that they were putting less effort in, rather than just adjusting my effort to match theirs? Those are some questions you might think of asking yourself.

My ex's parents gave their children equal amounts of money etc. and did not obviously treat either one better. But there were subtle differences, and that has affected them into adulthood. Around the family table they would always tell stories about the silly things my ex did as a child. Everyone would laugh; my ex never thought it was a bad thing. But he was still always the one who did stupid things, and he spent his whole life trying desperately to get respect. It's not as simple or black and white as "the mother is a narcissist and they shower affection on one child and hate the other".

is at least expressed in his difficult behaviour

You're still not getting it now either, tbh.

Has it occurred to you that he is happy with the way things are between you?

It's not easy being the golden child either, is it? The "naughty" one gets more attention, and the parents just take your good behaviour for granted.

He is his own person. You want him to put himself to one side to be the person you want him to be so that you can say you have the perfect sibling relationship. I don't think there's some innate weirdness in him however, that means he is tarnished for life. How about accepting him for the person he is and not trying to change him or force him into a mould that you think is right. It is not up to you to decide if he is happy in himself or not.

There are exceptions to the rule but dare I say that many brothers are like that? We sadly have no contact with older brother as he has a rather nagging/domineering wife and he never, ever contacts us.

Younger bro only contacts the rest of us if he wants something.
Now sisters are different.

Just because he's your brother, doesn't mean you have to be close. Or take an interest in the others life.
I don't see my sister. ..we haven't fallen out, I just have nothing in common with her at all. I saw her last at my dad's funeral 15 years ago
She means nothing to me really.

You're still not getting it now either, tbh

No, you're right, I'm not. I don't mean it flippantly, should I not judge his behaviour in any way, even if it is upsetting for people around him?

Has it occurred to you that he is happy with the way things are between you?

It has, and I think he is "happy" with the situation as it is. I'm not sure it's a healthy sense of happiness. But I could be completely wrong about it, or even if I'm not, I should just accept it as it is.

I know some people adults included who never quite got over the disruption to their early years when the younger sibling(s) arrived. It isn't always obvious but it affects their whole life. There is little or nothing the sibling can do.

You mention his anger really got going in his teens. If ever there's a time to articulate how we feel that's the first time we get a chance to let rip. It doesn't automatically follow that as a consequence he was thereafter still angry or damaged.

Whatever your family dynamics he is in his own relationship and has children of his own. He invited you to his wedding. How much spontaneous contact have you had between the two weddings?

You say your brother could benefit from some therapy, what do you have in mind?

I think it comes back to what was said at the start. I have two options.

I either have to accept that he doesn't want a close relationship, or to listen and talk to him and try to find out how he views the situation.

We live a distance apart, but we do app a lot - he sends me lots of pictures of his children, so we have a fair bit of contact.

I have a suspicion that he's not truly a happy confident person, but I do accept it's not for me to do anything about it.