My brother doesn't give me what I want

[KellysZeros]

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

Where did you read that? I've done a lot of research on gc/scapegoat dynamic and never read it's the mother's 'fault'.

Google! Top link that comes up for me when I googled the phrase ("golden child scapegoat") was www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

I think some of this is because he's a man and brothers treat sisters like men. And you don't perhaps realise how absorbing a young family is.

BTW the pictures of his daughter were not about his relationship with you. They were about his love for his dd and his assumption that this is a shared love with you. comparing it to your wedding pics seems a bit self absorbed and immature, especially as you seem to have held your wedding at a time that would have prevented him and his family from easily being there, given the starting school (perhaps that's why he's snippy).

If you were his brother you wouldn't expect him to care about your house. I don't expect my brothers to care about the details of my life as a sister might. That's work to men and they tend to really only do that for their wives.

Regarding your childhood, you're superior about how you handled it. Friction isn't a bad or unhealthy thing for a teenager. It's not for everyone but many people are happy feeling and expressing anger right through their lives. There is more than one way to be happy and well adjusted!

Could it be that you don't have much in common? Relationships don't tend to happen by one person saying ' let's be close '. They grow between you when you're both looking at something else, Iyswim. Perhaps it doesn't occur to him to go through the motions in the absence of something real. I get the impression that you have decided He Isn't Happy and He Needs Help because you've got a rather rigid view of how people should feel, live and interact. If you're a people pleaser especially (and golden kids often are) you could each infuriate the life out of the other with such different approaches.

I'm closeish to my brothers but it's mainly because i respect and like them. It's not my fault or their fault that we're not really really close - that would be a gift from the gods that simply doesn't come as standard in life.

I think you may be getting a bad time on here because you come from the impossibly gorgeous camp of being the favoured one. Those of us - lots on here - who are the family scapegoat find it hard to face your plump ease.

yy it's not so great for the gc either, but there's no contest with the desolation that gauges into the soul when you're the scapegoat. Systematic bullying from your nearest and 'dearest' from the year dot. Takes a terrible toll.

No point feeling guilty about it (but you will).

I don't think he can complain about our wedding being 10 days before his daughter was about to start school!

Then they need to write another article: 'Golden child scapegoat narcissistic fathers'

It's not really about who is right or who is wrong. You invited him to your wedding and he declined, he has that right. As mn constantly says it's an invitation not a summons. You can not make him be what you want him to be. The only thing you can change is your expectations and if you can not accept him for who he is then your only option is the cut contact. You can not force more. It really doesn't matter if you were the golden child and he the scapegoat or if he is just a selfish git you still can not make him be what you want him to be.

Not complain, no. But my little one has just started and my mummy peers and I have spent the last few weeks trying to keep things settled and low key. No way would we have planned a long, exciting trip. It's a big change.

Baroness. I find that a curious viewpoint.

However, your thread title is also curious, op. There are many ways to voice emotional pain and putting it like that ie that it's what you want does say rather a lot . In that deep way.

Sorry to give you a hard time about it though.

I came up with the title, because I'm writing about the relationship with my brother I would like (I can't speak for him). I didn't mean that I demand he do things (the point with the wedding was although it was disappointing he didn't come, others who couldn't come wrote nice letters, or cards, or expressed some sadness that they couldn't be there, they showed interest in the photos, that sort of thing).

He is not 'difficult'.
YOU find some of his behaviour difficult.
You might find if you understood him better, you would understand 'why'.

If you want to get closer to him (he sounds fine with current arrangement) then you need to ask, and listen. And not speak, lest you are sucked back into old patterns.

When you have heard his viewpoint a few times, then you can process that and talk to him about your feelings.

There's also a leeeetle bit of narcissism in the view that he should give you what you want, in your expectation that you should be able to control him or fix him in some way to make him a better brother to you, less 'difficult', more attuned to your needs - that with your help he could become the sort of happy, confident, loving and generous person you are. This is what's known as grandiosity.

We've all got it to a certain extent! But it's
likely to really rub your brother up the wrong way if the family narrative has always been that he's 'difficult' and making trouble and you're nice as pie.

You may find he thinks there's nothing wrong with your relationship.

My sister's like that. Am pretty sure if you asked her, she'd say we are as close as two sisters could be, because she's a narc and thinks the world revolves around her. The fact I only talk to her if she rings when I'm at our mother's (and not always then, if my mother's feeling strong and lies that I'm there), so maybe two or three times a year, and haven't seen her for three years is neither here nor there. She would come to my wedding, because, obviously, being the bride's sister would mean the day revolves around her (she couldn't cope with not being the centre of attention, which is why, if I ever do marry, she's not invited). But of course, seeing as how we have such a close bond, I would be delighted for her!

So maybe that's how your brother sees things. Naturally you want more photos of his DD's first day at school than he does of your wedding because he is the centre of the universe, so his DD must be pretty close, and who wouldn't want lots of photos of her?

I don't find the Baroness's viewpoint so curious. You can't change other people, but you can change your own expectations. That's what I'm trying to do - not to be disappointed when my siblings don't act like we are close; to realise that maybe I am expecting too much. Though in our case there is not much chance of us ever being close, as we live a thousand miles apart :) I guess there might be something Kelly could do to change the dynamics of this relationship - though I'd still also recomend adjusting your expectations, OP.

I suppose we're all narcissistic to some extent. I'm not demanding he does X, just that I would like a close relationship with him, but I get I cannot force it. I am fairly convinced that the block is more from him than from me though (I know him and I think I can say that).

sorry, pressed 'send' too soon!

You might then feel that there was much more to 'his' childhood / adolescence than you have realised or that he is just a selfish git, but you will at least have listened to him and be able to formulate your feelings on his words, rather than your assumptions?

How did your parents react when he wouldn't come to the wedding OP?

I agree it's very odd, and pretty bad, that he wouldn't come- and I would be exceptionally upset by this. In my book - you attend your sibling's wedding - or have a bloody good reason not to.

Perhaps he's the narcissist?

I am fairly convinced that the block is more from him than from me though I don't think any of us would disagree with you on that. The block could be deliberate or unconscious but he is the only person who can remove it and the chances are he doesn't want to or he would have already done so.

I have a similar relationship with my brother. We were brought up in a narcissistic household with emotional and at times physical abuse. My brother is in denial about all of this. Ask my mother and my brother and they would swear blind we were treated exactly the same except that my brother was hit and shouted at a lot more than me because he was naughtier. Then they will go on to say what a difficult teenager I was, who wanted everything my way. That's their perception, not my reality. My mother tried to control me because subconsciously she needed me to to be an appendage of her and my father gave my brother the childhood he wanted as a boy. As a girl, i wasn't considered. No matter if I wanted a dog, a horse, a scrap car to drive around fields, a motorbike, motor powered go kart etc. So I had dolls and my brother hit me if he caught me interacting with his dog.

I've had lots of counselling and this is just a snap shot of the differences in our childhood. My mother created a dynamic of sibling rivalry and of divide and conquer. Then sticks herself in the centre of arguments and sides with my brother notably when we fell out with my brother and his wife (when their dog bit our DD then a baby in the face). He is golden child these day. I was golden child or perhaps more accurately the forgotten/ignored child before my teens only because I made it my mission to be invisible.

You really don't know what went on in your brothers life. He is doing his best. You can try talking to him. Or perhaps send a simple text. "I'm sad not to have celebrated my wedding with you." You are unlikely to get a response though. You cannot force people to have the relationship with you that you want. My brother is controlled and close to my mother and a true golden child. We will never have a close relationship and even though his wife has now finally recognised the dynamic of blaming me, we will never be close because they are both incredibly narcissistic themselves.

I think you have to analyse your family to see if there are not difficult differences in his upbringing or things you're missing in your childhood. And let your brother off the hook. I've finally reconciled with never being close to my brother. The emotional pull and guilt of not having the relationship I want gets less and less. I finally understand I have to let it go.

I imagine your brother has to distance himself for his own mental health /self esteem.

I was perceived as being 'difficult' by my mother and sister (no dad). My self worth was so low through my childhood.

The week I left for university and got away I essentially realised that I was okay. No worse than them. Very quickly I met dh had dc and have a wonderful job, lots of friends and I'm very happy now.

However when I spend time with my family I am immediately slotted back into the 'difficult' role and become desperate for their approval. Dh notices it acutely. It makes me desperately unhappy.

So I generally keep a distance that I can cope with without causing too much unhappiness.

I imagine your brother is similar.

Being the scapegoat is unbearably miserable whilst I imagine being the golden child is fantastic.

flibbidy. Being the scapegoat is miserable. I'm glad I'm not the golden child. Because I got away.

Personally, I've steered away from calling him a narcissist, but to me there is somethinq not quite right, when he will not ask a single question about my life, but will let me know everything in little detail about his life.

My parents didn't say anything to him about not coming, but they were disappointed and sad. It was a truly wonderful day and they loved it. They were sad he didn't want to be there (and that's it was, because unless you have surgery booked that day, you manage, it becomes a priority, because it is a big day not just for me, but for the family)

I know several women who are very saddened and disappointed by the lack of interest their brothers show them. Women who feel like they are always reaching out and not getting much back in return.
TBH it is common enough that I feel it is probably a fairly normal variant of brother/sister sibling relationships.
The only person getting upset seems to be the sisters who feel that it indicates a lack of love or a broken relationship. The brothers seem to think they are ticking along nicely and are mildly bemused/annoyed by the emotional demands.

What I meant by that is being the golden child is also pretty shit because unless you even realise you're being controlled, you spend your entire life under the control of your parents.

He sounds just like my brother and Sil. Only interested in themselves.

I don't think that being the golden child is always great, looking at my ex's sister who was the goodie. She has impossibly high expectations of herself as she is the one who was expected to get great marks in school, and was seen as having her head screwed on properly and never getting it wrong. She drives herself into the ground doing the Right Thing and has a lot of trouble coping with anything that is not perfect about her life. At the same time she doesn't get any praise really either, as she is just expected to get it right naturally.