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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother doesn't give me what I want

396 replies

KellysZeros · 05/09/2016 23:27

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

OP posts:
Spaghettidog · 06/09/2016 10:53

I don't think editing it is the point, OP. What people are saying is that it's revealing of your thought processes around the relationship.

diddl · 06/09/2016 10:55

If he is busy seeking parental approval, perhaps he has no time for anything else?

Is he also seeking your approval?

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 10:55

A zero-sum game is where he seems to think there is a fixed amount of approval from our parents so if I gets some, there's some I don't get. Any approval I get takes away from his, so he has to maximise the most he can get.

OP posts:
flibbidygibbet · 06/09/2016 10:56

But what are you going to do differently to change the dynamic?

BaronessEllaSaturday · 06/09/2016 10:57

Did your parents refer to him as a difficult child or is that just your interpretation?

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 10:57

I don't think editing it is the point, OP. What people are saying is that it's revealing of your thought processes around the relationship

But I think it can be read in two ways. One, I'm screaming in my tiara "I want him to do this, and I don't care at all he what he wants", or two, "I want / would like a good healthy relationship with him." I don't think the latter is that unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 10:58

But what are you going to do differently to change the dynamic?

I don't think there is much I can do - I suspect it has to come from him. Unless I'm frank with him and explain to him how he upset me for not comin to the wedding and try to get to the bottom of it.

OP posts:
brassbrass · 06/09/2016 10:58

exactly! You are only now trying to do something about it because he didn't perform how you expected him to.

What if you'd raised the issue years ago? He may have been feeling the same way then but you may have appeared to care less so has now given up.

The trouble with your outlook is it is framed around your timeline. You want to exact a change now. He may have wanted that change in his teenage years but it didn't come. What's he supposed to do now? Jump because you think it's time?

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 11:01

"I want / would like a good healthy relationship with him."

You could have typed this. But you didn't. It IS very revealing.

WuTangFlan · 06/09/2016 11:02

Why do you keep going on about your teenage years? Half your life has been lived since you left those years behind.

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 11:03

brassbrass, i think that's unfair. I havetried to approach it before, but I don't think he is very receptive to it. I've spent the past few years where it is all about him, on his time frame and not trying to upset him.

OP posts:
gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 06/09/2016 11:03

What I think the problem is that he seeks approval from my parents desperately (and will send them pictures of the children daily) and visit every week with the children, but I think he sees it as a zero-sum game

I don't want to get at you, OP, but that doesn't seem fair. If you took your children to see your parents every week, you would say it was because you have a great relationship with them, prioritise them, want to give them pleasure and build a strong relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. But when your brother does it, it has to be because he's 'desperately seeking approval'.

Do you think you might be looking for a 'wounded brother' storyline because it's somehow less hurtful than knowing that he's just not that into you?

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 11:04

You could have typed this. But you didn't. It IS very revealing.

Only if you want it to be.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 06/09/2016 11:05

I think you should say how his missing your wedding made you feel. It may not make any difference to him, but you will know you have tried.

Some of the brother/sister relationships I mentioned before went on into the siblings 70s and 80s without any improvement.

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 11:07

perhaps now is the time to be pretty direct then? If he isn't receptive what do you stand to lose by asking why he snubbed your wedding. Tell him you were hurt by that act and that if there is a problem you'd like to work on it so that you can have a better relationship.

Projecting all the other stuff about his agenda/happiness/difficulty isn't ever going to help you make progress.

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 11:07

I don't want to get at you, OP, but that doesn't seem fair. If you took your children to see your parents every week, you would say it was because you have a great relationship with them, prioritise them, want to give them pleasure and build a strong relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. But when your brother does it, it has to be because he's 'desperately seeking approval'.

My point is slightly more subtle than that. I love that he spends time every weekend with our parents, it is wonderful. What I am saying is that I think that it is somehow for him not possible to do both - to see our parents and to come to my wedding, because that would take attention away from him.

OP posts:
brassbrass · 06/09/2016 11:08

Only if you want it to be.

see not listening again even though you think you really are

PerspicaciaTick · 06/09/2016 11:10

Pontificate on his motives as much as you like, but you won't see a change unless you speak to him about how you feel and ask him how he feels about your realtionship - and even then you may not see much change.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 06/09/2016 11:11

It's not subtle, it's just conflating two issues. Either he's enthusiastically pursuing a relationship with his parents to seeks approval from your parents or he's doing it for much happier reasons. I think you have a tendency to put yourself at the centre of everything which is why you are drawing a connection between not coming to your wedding (bad) and his visiting his parents (must somehow also be bad because everything's bad if it's bad for you).

Actually there is no reasonable explanation that I can see why a man not getting on well with his sister means he is only seeing his parents to get their approval (somewhat at his sister's expense). I think you need to talk this through with a counsellor because you're not seeing how much of yourself you're reading into your brother's actions. It's not all about you.

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 11:11

see not listening again even though you think you really are

Can't you accept you're wrong? I know what I meant when I wrote that title. I didn't mean it literally to be I have a set of demands for my brother and he is just some automaton to fulfil my wishes.

OP posts:
BaronessEllaSaturday · 06/09/2016 11:12

He spends time every weekend with your parents? I take it they live local to him not you then. Wonder how his wife feels about spending so much time with the in laws?

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 11:13

but quite frankly if you think those are his motives and he ever gets/got wind of it your relationship doesn't stand a chance does it??

WindInThePussyWillows · 06/09/2016 11:13

I read this as my brothel doesn't give me what I want.

I was expecting a much more interesting read Blush

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 11:14

Actually there is no reasonable explanation that I can see why a man not getting on well with his sister means he is only seeing his parents to get their approval (somewhat at his sister's expense). I think you need to talk this through with a counsellor because you're not seeing how much of yourself you're reading into your brother's actions. It's not all about you

It is because I know the situation. And I think I know my brother. I think it's fair to say he seeks my parents approval. And I think if he were secure, he would happy to share that with me.

My point is that to him, none of it as about me, and it's all about him.

OP posts:
flibbidygibbet · 06/09/2016 11:15

The fact that you think there is nothing you can/should do to make the relationship better and it's up to him, says it all.

That's rubbish. We're all telling you there's loads you can do.

You're not listening or interested in changing. You just want us to back you and agree that it's your brothers fault.

You seem incredibly difficult and self centred. I'm not surprised your brother keeps his distance.

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