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Original poster

My brother doesn't give me what I want

396 replies

KellysZeros · 05/09/2016 23:27

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

OP posts:
TheLastRoseOfSummer · 07/09/2016 10:47

But if you don't want to change those changeable aspects of him (his job, his family, his haircut) then what you are saying is that you want to change his core personality which, if you believe it exists, and you can't.

WuTangFlan · 07/09/2016 10:47

Wanting to change him is part of the problem!

Can you not see the link between "I think it detracts from the approval he is seeking from someone" and all your disapproving comments about him and his behaviour you have made? He is difficult, he is angry, he is this that and the other... you may not intend it to come across as disapproval, but that's what it is.

Batteriesallgone · 07/09/2016 10:52

Ah ok. You've been totally glowing with respect for his life choices and it's my fault for not seeing that and misinterpreting you Hmm

insan1tyscartching · 07/09/2016 10:52

My husband and son and daughter have made similar gestures when driving, they are not at all angry people tbh. At that time someone did something stupid that could have endangered the people they love and so they reacted by hitting the horn and mouthing wanker along with a gesture.
Dd's twitter account is full of rants, it's a safe place to let off some steam, it doesn't mean that she goes round voicing these rants though because in actual fact she's a gentle, quiet young woman.
You have exceptionally high standards for your brother that he may well find impossible to meet and so doesn't even bother trying.

Original poster
KellysZeros · 07/09/2016 10:53

This might be my last comment, I see my brother as someone who is good, funny, but I see that he harbours a certain bitterness. My parents may not have done the best job by him, but they spend every weekend with him and his children (and it is my brother who drops in - rather than the other way around) and now at 38, I think he gets a lot of attention, approval, interest, whatever in what he has achieved. And in my opinion, but I could be wrong, this bitterness holds him back from forming a relationship with other people, including me.

OP posts:
gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 07/09/2016 10:54

Sending daily pictures of your kids to their adoring GPS isn't unhealthy or weird, as you will probably find when you become a parent op. I bet your mum loves it. TBH. I would expect someone with the traits you claim he had to be less open about his life and family, and more standoffish about them. I certainly wouldn't expect someone who has (according to you) limited themselves to make life safe (aka low stress) to set aside time every day and every weekend to build into relationships they find horribly difficult. I might expect it off a people pleaser but nothing you've said (apart from personal opinion) remotely suggests people pleaser to me.

You say you have weaknesses but what are they and how are they factoring into this situation?

springydaffs · 07/09/2016 10:57

it may well be that he doesn't want to change or can change

Maybe it's not him who needs to change, Kelly. To want, expect, him to change to address his 'unhappiness' clearly states your position: that he is the problem. As per eh? Always he has been the problem: perfect family (moreorless), problem child. Who spoils everything.

To labour the point: maybe he didn't fall in with the family narrative that he was the difficult/angry/troubled child - but it stuck to him like glue. Everything he did, said; every choice he made = difficult, angry, troubled. In absolute exasperation perhaps he became those very things: difficult, angry, troubled.

You insist you know him - and we don't - but the family narrative shouts from your posts, Kelly. Sometimes it takes dispassionate outsiders to see it clearly stamped across every post .

Batteriesallgone · 07/09/2016 10:58

He's married still right? And is a father?

It speaks volumes that although you've repeatedly said he's unhappy you've skipped over the key relationships in his life - his wife and kids. Which says to me that there is little to criticise there and they are a happy family.

So you are loudly broadcasting the things he's doing wrong whilst ignoring the things that are going well, maybe.

Consider that for a lot of people happiness begins and ends at home - you might think your job is boring, you might want to go to NY someday, but if you're happily married and your kids are happy you are probably a fundamentally happy person.

Turning that on its head, it's pretty hard to be a fundamentally unhappy person but also maintain a happy marriage and be a good parent.

Original poster
KellysZeros · 07/09/2016 10:59

Ah ok. You've been totally glowing with respect for his life choices and it's my fault for not seeing that and misinterpreting you

It is a little bit, sorry. You have wrongly assumed that I've criticised his house, his education, his wife, his family, all sorts of things, when I haven't. My only concern is that I think (and I could be wrong) that I don't think he has limited himself in some regards because of certain anxieties (that we both share and we have inherited from his parents).

OP posts:
BipBippadotta · 07/09/2016 11:00

I'm intrigued by your contempt for your brother's attempts to seek approval and validation from your parents, when that is precisely what you are seeking from him. Interest in your life, being happy for you - that's validation and approval. You are very upset not to have it, and feel this is reasonable. Yet your brother's wanting it is a reflection of the how angry and bitter and resentful he is.

springydaffs · 07/09/2016 11:00

Someone mentioned the Freudian slip. Or, to put it another way, out of the heart the mouth speaks.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 07/09/2016 11:00

Kelly, I think there may come a point where you need to at least concede that you are, in some way at least, part of the problem.

BipBippadotta · 07/09/2016 11:01

His parents? Or your parents?

(have I misinterpreted again? Silly me!)

WrongTrouser · 07/09/2016 11:09

This thread is quite weird.

So your brother has a long term relationship now marriage, children who he appears to spend plenty of time with and dote on, and a job, but you think he is unhappy because he doesn't write enough in the cards and texts he sends you and he sends you too many photos of his children???

Original poster
KellysZeros · 07/09/2016 11:09

I accept I am part of the problem in wanting him to change, when I should be more accepting of the situation.

I get the point of approval. Maybe this is the crux. I am seeking approval from an older brother who resents me because I came along.

Bip! yes, silly you :-)

OP posts:
insan1tyscartching · 07/09/2016 11:10

Your last post sounds like it is you that is bitter and resentful of your brother and his relationship with your parents though rather than the other way round. Almost like you feel excluded from their tight knit club.
My SIL was a bit like that, dh was a difficult teen and she was Miss Perfect it took years for her to accept that he had a close and loving relationship with their parents because she couldn't get past the teen years where he drank and smoked too much, he he skipped school and once got a clip around the ear from a policeman. That teen bore no relationship to the family man who neither smoked nor drank. Their parents never mentioned dh to SIL because she would hark on about the past and because dh and SIL had only the most distant relationship with dh she knew nothing of their relationship which was weekend visits and phone calls most days and hey adored our children of course.

BipBippadotta · 07/09/2016 11:16

Or to put it another way, maybe you are seeking the approval of an older brother who may resent you not because you came along, but because of the preferred treatment you got from your parents. (I don't know if you can see it but you're doing that thing where you make him unreasonable again - 'at 38 he still hasn't got over his childish resentment of the new baby! See how difficult he is?')

I suspect if he resents you it's not just because you exist. It's possibly because love was fairly conditional in your family, and he did not meet the conditions. This could be why you are both quite hungry for approval, and don't feel right in yourselves when it's not forthcoming.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 07/09/2016 11:17

Just lost a post.

Some folk like being angsty. They have no desire to pretend they're interested when they're not or not pissed off when they are. Nothing damaged about it, in fact it can be very healthy.

Perhaps he realises that you have a narrow definition of 'good' behaviour and he's mentally stepped away.

I do think you feel superior to him and he will be sensitive to that and will be aware of that.

Sending pictures of your kids to people is not the deal that you think. My siblings and I do it all the time but wouldn't necessarily talk about each other nearly so much. My dh has friends (male!) who live abroad and they very rarely talk but exchange baby pictures constantly! Is a parent thing and you,as an aunt will be assumed to be fascinated. He won't see it as you taking an interest in his life or him showing off to you. He will think this is the most adorable thing ever and he's doing his bit relationally by giving you an opportunity to see it.

I say this as someone who finds it very satisfying to take a pic of my kids and click send, and there are never enough people with sufficient interest to keep up with supply!

Original poster
KellysZeros · 07/09/2016 11:18

I'm not upset about my parents having a close relationship with our parents and I have a very close relationship with them.

OP posts:
Jayne35 · 07/09/2016 11:25

I have read through some of this and disagree with some of the comments suggesting narc parents are always to blame. Siblings are just different. My Dsis and I are complete opposites - I was always tidy, on time, didn't argue where she pushed boundaries all the time, yes she was treated differently, was always 'in trouble' and grounded etc, to be expected surely? We get on ok now as adults and are fairly close.

Also my own DS and DD are the same. DS always in trouble at school, late home, really rude, police knocking etc. My DD is how I was when I was younger. I love them both, equally and to be honest feel that if anyone has missed out/been ignored it's DD, for being 'the golden child' whom I didn't have to worry about.

OP ask your brother - face to face, not by text if he is ok? If he wants to talk? Tell him you feel you aren't very close.

insan1tyscartching · 07/09/2016 11:28

But if he sees them every weekend and pops in during the week and is in contact regularly and has provided them a grandchild perhaps you feel he gets more from them than you? Do you visit when he's there? If not then he obviously gets more of their time and perhaps that's what is difficult for you.

Isetan · 07/09/2016 11:31

Your petulance only makes you more endearing,

eyebrowsonfleek · 07/09/2016 11:34

Reply to your latest post OP

You're assuming that he wants a relationship with you. Maybe he's happy to have a polite but distant relationship. Have you tried before or is this new attempt a result of your wedding?

As a GC can't you see why people who don't get along with their close family are cautious with other relationships and friendships? As a person who is SG and been NC for 15 years I can assure you that it's absolutely terrifying. Parental love and acceptance is supposed to be unconditional so it's a terrible blow when you can't get that fundamental right.

It's very interesting that you are implying that he wants to see your parents more than they want to see him. Maybe he wants his children to get along with your parents the way you did. Maybe your parents loving his kids will help him heal the scars of being SG.

insan1tyscartching · 07/09/2016 11:35

Do your parents talk to you about your brother? Do you speak warmly of him or do you speak about his unhappiness, his lack of ambition and all the other criticisms you've listed here? If so they might just find it easier to have relationships with you separately as my ILs did.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2016 12:54

You say you know your brother very well. He does X, he says y, he acts like z.

How about if you just for a minute pretended you didn't know him, but were looking to know him? Would you be able to go into his world and see life through his eyes?

It is very hard to be defined by others, stereotyped and made to fit into a neat box. And your brother does seem to be being defined by you and possibly your parents as well. I think you have received a lot of criticism and this thread has given you the experience of being made to fit into a neat box. You don't seem to like the box posters on this thread have placed you in. When you have time, go and look at some of your reactions as I think your brother has reacted in the same way toward you and others.

So perhaps your brother feels like he is in the box and is fighting/pushing to get out. I think you're also in some ways in the box too. And the only way you can resolve this relationship is to give you both permission to get out of that box.

If what you say is true, I think you both feel resentment toward eachother. Him for you being here and you for being made to feel inferior. The net result is you both are wounded and in pain and see the other as superior.