My brother doesn't give me what I want

[KellysZeros]

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

I'm also wondering if OP meant to say "it doesn't make me Nero".

I'll grant you I had to look up Nero but what an odd comparison.

To check I hadn't misunderstood and yes I'm bored at work I went over again and it looks like OP thinks her brother must be unhappy because he only went away a few years ago and didn't attend her wedding or show an interest.

I think those are indicators that he doesn't want a close sibling relationships but they aren't indicators of being unhappy.

You seem to have assumed that your brother has a void, a huge unhappiness at the centre of his life. You take this void as an absolute given, so you interpret all your interactions with him through the prism of (what you believe) to be his unhappiness.
So his lack of communication, his carelessness about your wedding etc. are assumed to be caused by his unhappiness.

But, I am not clear why you believe he is so unhappy.

You describe his life and say it is limited and evidence of his unhappiness, but surely it is possible to look at his life in a positive way. He is a newly (presumably happily) married man, in a long term, settled relationship. He has children and a close relationship with his parents. It sounds like a good, contented place to have grown into after a tricky start in life. Perhaps he simply doesn't feel the need for more close relationships, perhaps he doesn't really understand how they work or find them emotionally rewarding. So he stays in touch, does the bare minimum and avoids getting to close. Not because he is unhappy, but because he is happy enough not to need more.

I don't know, as you say you have known him a lifetime. But rather than seeing him as damaged with a void of unhappiness, it is time to start accepting him as scarred but healed.

" I'm even more upset that he couldn't send me a nice message. When I shared 3 pictures with him afterwards, (being worried it might be ramming it down his throat), he would reply "looks nice" and that's it. "

But he has replied & shown an interest-just not in exactly the way that you think he should have!

Bournemouth was a good choice for a holiday !

No wonder he doesn't want to be around you - your posts are antagonistic and passive aggressive.

You sound more and more like my mil.

It's not him it's actually you.

Nina, thanks :-)

See. You've got issues.

But I think your a poster that's posted a few GF posts lately. So enjoy your attention

thanks, all the best

There's a pattern here I recognise from my own mother, described well on here

From the section called She makes you look crazy:
Once she's constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she'll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn't do anything. She has no idea why you're so irrationally angry with her. You've hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn't know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

I question your motives for wanting a 'closer' relationship with someone you don't appear to like or respect and maybe he's cottoned on to this and is doing the only thing he can control and that's his exposure to you and the probable dysfunctional family dynamic which spawned the two of you.

If you genuinely want a relationship with your brother (which isn't evidenced by anything you've written so far), then you need to stop thinking that you are the axis by which he resolves.

Ooh yes, Harimad that does seem to fit.

It is amazing what some can conjure up

Yes isn't it! You not fed up yet?

It is a little tiring, but it's a bit addictive. It is truly a lesson though

Thanks for all the advice (good and misplaced)

"Good and misplaced"!!!

The Judge has spoken

It's been a very revealing thread this.

OP - you're not as likeable as you think you are. Hth.

Yes, i am HTH back

Oh, this is silly. It's clear that a group of people don't like me, and I'm fine with that because you don't know me, and many associate with the idea of being a Scapegoat or whatever, and therefore I must be a bad person. It doesn't ring true.

Kelly - It doesn't sound like your family really talk about things that are hard to talk about - or you don't talk to the person concerned, but rather share your concern to everyone else but that person.

I'm not sure that any of you have really questioned why your brother is like he is - and by "questioning" I don't mean simply asking each other, but doing some serious, challenging soul-searching about what all of you are not seeing about what really went on.

Unconscious dynamics are powerful. Sibling rivalry can be well-hidden and run deeply. Voicing over again that one has had a "truly wonderful" childhood can be a defence against the truth, which is often a profoundly changing experience when faced.

I'm not saying for sure that this is true. But the words you use in your OP and subsequent posts are telling (and, as a counsellor, I don't for a minute accept that they were mistakes - the unconscious is betrayed in apparent slips like this), and your continued, yet coolly reasoned, assertions that the issue lies with him, and that the only issue you have is not letting this go and accepting this, is evidence enough to me that, actually, the responsibility is a familial one, not an individual one. And perhaps your brother saw this, and knew, and acted out the rage that everyone else was feeling, but no-one else expressed.

Just a thought.

Kelly, I don't identify with "scapegoat" at all

I just wonder why you think your brother is unhappy. What gives you that idea about him?

Golden children will carry the greatest shadow. Or it will be projected or transferred on to someone else. It happens with siblings all the time.

Ive been both SG and GC at different points. Problem for GC is its hard to wake up.

Sorry to hear you've had golden child scape goat dynamic in your family. It doesn't sound too pleasant