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Original poster

We don't agree on babies name ....

185 replies

user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 14:30

I know it's a joint decision but I feel so strongly about this.
My late mum died when I was 11.
She was my best friend and we were always together and I'm now 30 and not 1 day goes by I don't think about her.
I'm an only child and I always said if I had a daughter I would name her after her.
Her name was Dinah ..now I know it's a old fashioned name but I don't care.
It feels right and the thought of not calling her Dinah makes me upset.
My Oh says we aren't calling her that and he wants to call her Lisa.
I don't want it has her middle name.
I know I'm being unreasonable but I just really want this.
I feel like my mums memory will live on and she will always be a part of us this way.
I know I'm being selfish.
I don't know what to do :-(

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 20:03

Dinosaur: I was being ever so slightly hyperbolic. Some people don't regret it. A great many do.

TheDuchessOfKidderminster · 04/09/2016 20:25

I'm afraid I agree with others who've said you should register her birth on your own, with the first name you choose and your surname. I'm saying this as someone who has been with my DP for more than ten years, not married (yet) and have two children who both have their father's surname.

TheDuchessOfKidderminster · 04/09/2016 20:27

From what you've said I wouldn't trust him to stick by you (FX I'm wrong with that obviously) and I don't think he's showing much respect for you by vetoing a name that means so much to you.

(I also prefer Dinah to either Lisa or Molly.)

DefinitelyMaybe122 · 04/09/2016 20:44

As you are not married already and may never get married to him and you have your heart set on Dinah as her name then I think you should call your daughter the name you really want and you could give her his surname as a compromise. You may never have another daughter and this could be your only chance to use it. I'm sure even if he doesn't like it now he will like it once she is here.

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2016 22:06

Are you planning on living and bringing the baby up together? What contribution does he make to a family?

Kr1stina · 04/09/2016 22:43

Why are you even thinking of giving your child his surname ? Call her Dinah Your surname.

If you ever get married and wish to change her surname to his, you can do this quite easily .

Kr1stina · 04/09/2016 22:46

Tell me how he will be supporting you and baby during your maternity leave?

What are his plans for caring for his daughter once you go back to work ? Has he arranged childcare and / or is he going part time ?

PrimalLass · 04/09/2016 23:20

It's like painting a big flag on your head saying, 'Why buy the cow when the milk is free?'

I can't even begin to express how awful that is.

So much for fucking equality.

AvengeTheDoc · 04/09/2016 23:46

I wonder what the responses would have been had it been her DP
who lost his dad named Engelbert or his mum Berthalina. For it's only the sentiment that counts and not the name. Also astounded at the emotional blackmail and abuse some are suggesting

Shelby2010 · 04/09/2016 23:55

At the end of the day you can register the baby without him, but he can't. So legally you do get the final say.

In a proper partnership then both parents should get equal say & veto power, otherwise it doesn't say much for the relationship. However in your case (sorry if this sounds offensive) it sounds like you've accidentally got pregnant to a boyfriend who wouldn't otherwise be planning a long term future with you. In which case, as its much more likely that you are going to be the main carer for your DD then I do think you should be more self-centred about your decisions.

I agree with previous posters that ideally you should call your baby Dinah YourSurname. But if you really don't mind using his surname then suggest he chooses either the first name or the surname, so the baby will either be Lisa YourSurname or Dinah HisSurname.

And be very careful about giving up your home or financial independence at this time.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Footle · 05/09/2016 00:07

PrimalLass, it is quite sick-making.

BadToTheBone · 05/09/2016 00:49

Sorry but I'm going against the majority here. He doesn't like the name , so it should be dismissed, likewise you don't like Lisa, so that should be taken off the table too.

I understand you want to honour your mum but you could find another way, surely?

iminshock · 05/09/2016 00:58

Dinah is an utterly stonkingly fabulous name. And your mum sounds amazing.

Just stand your ground , wear him down and let him name the next kid ! Grin

iminshock · 05/09/2016 01:00

Because that's what I did with my firstborn. Named him after my dad. Dp needed some persuasion !
I think being the pregnant one who goes through labour should trump his choices !

iminshock · 05/09/2016 01:00

And dp named the next one. All happy

PurpleDaisies · 05/09/2016 01:05

I think being the pregnant one who goes through labour should trump his choices!

That only works in a same sex relationship where both partners have the opportunity to become pregnant and go through labour. The boyfriend has no choice here. He is equally the parent of the baby and the op believes he is sticking around to raise her with her. He should have an equal say in the name.

Trifleorbust · 05/09/2016 02:33

Sorry to those who think my comment is unpleasant. It's nothing to do with thinking everyone should be married. I simply feel that, in a society where we are supposed to be equal, there still seems to exist the strange presumption that a baby should carry its father's surname...but sod mum, she doesn't matter as much. I wouldn't be extending the privilege of prioritising his name over mine to a man who refused me and my child the legal protection of marriage. Others can obviously do as they wish.

AvengeTheDoc · 05/09/2016 04:23

Your views are your views Trifle, as are others for example I don't condone it and I'm not saying it necessarily would happen but in some ways I can understand why some men may find it "easier" to abandon children as it seems for some women, once the man has had sex, the woman gets pregnant, which can be absolutely horrible as can the birth, but in some ways that can emotionally strain a person (which isn't the pregnant woman's fault in general but I'm sure it's taxing on men in other ways) and then a man often has to get things generally ready doing DIY in the nursery/ bedroom, and then it seems some women take away any rights to naming the child even if the DP/DH hates it, basically the man sometimes doesn't seem to get any attachment to a child until it's arrived( and sometimes even after they can't see a child as much to form a bond), unlike mothers who often form an attachment pre birth through feeling kicking etc, I just think if a mans feelings are pushed aside completely it could be hard to make an attachment, I don't condone it but in some sense I can understand it a little

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2016 04:24

You don't live together, he doesn't want to marry you, you have separate money and homes... The baby would be Dinah YourSurname in my world. At a push Dinah HisSurname if you like that. But not in a month of Sunday's would she be Lisa HisSurname. Where are you in that? The person who is giving birth...

DD is called a name I chose before I met DH. He got the last name, I got the first. And we're married but I don't use his name.

Why the hell does he think he gets BOTH names?

Trifleorbust · 05/09/2016 05:12

Avenge: I understand that, but in this case the OP obviously wants more commitment (which would give the father more opportunity to form a strong bonds with his new baby) and he doesn't want to. I would not be inclined to give him his choice of names to the detriment of my own preferences, knowing I was likely to be doing all the sleepless nights, all the feeds, the nappy changes, and I was likely to be the one making the larger career and financial sacrifice. No way.

ThreeSheetsToTheWind · 05/09/2016 07:36

I was totally adamant when I was pregnant, if it was a boy it was going to be called after my Dad. No discussion. When my OH gets to carry and give birth he can choose the name :)

When my second was born it would have been Charlotte or Victoria but I just took one look at her and knew neither were right for her and came up with something totally different. However, it was still my choice at the end of the day.

I would wait until your little one arrives and see how you feel then. I still say though, your choice! Flowers

Kr1stina · 05/09/2016 08:06

The fact that your boyfriend wants all the male privilege of traditional marriage ( which he " doesn't belive in" ) , yet none of the responsibility, speaks volumes.

He is telling you who he is - please listen .

Dogolphin · 05/09/2016 08:18

I suggest Dinah Middle name His Surname Your Surname. Go alone and get the job done properly. He has already made cruel comments about calling a dog your lovely mother's beautiful name. He doesn't sound at all nice.

Chose a name you both like and agree on for the middle name. Pop in his surname if you want to. Keep the first name and your surname. I hated having a different surname to my baby and it complicated things down the line. You could always double barrel all you names later if you get married.

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2016 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saffronwblue · 05/09/2016 08:38

Dinah is a really lovely name and I hope you get to use it. I do think the huge life-shaping loss you suffered as a child is much more meaningful that his mere preference. I think giving birth to your precious daughter will make you feel even closer to your mother, no matter what you name her.