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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We don't agree on babies name ....

185 replies

user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 14:30

I know it's a joint decision but I feel so strongly about this.
My late mum died when I was 11.
She was my best friend and we were always together and I'm now 30 and not 1 day goes by I don't think about her.
I'm an only child and I always said if I had a daughter I would name her after her.
Her name was Dinah ..now I know it's a old fashioned name but I don't care.
It feels right and the thought of not calling her Dinah makes me upset.
My Oh says we aren't calling her that and he wants to call her Lisa.
I don't want it has her middle name.
I know I'm being unreasonable but I just really want this.
I feel like my mums memory will live on and she will always be a part of us this way.
I know I'm being selfish.
I don't know what to do :-(

OP posts:

mummyto2monkeys · 04/09/2016 19:00

Dinah is beautiful and much prettier than Lisa, I wonder if he would like Alyssa, Liesel or Elise as all three would make a lovely middle name with Dinah as a first name. I wonder if he would let you formally call her Dinah Alyssa, but you call her by her middle name day to day. I have never heard the name Dinah before, so see it as unusual rather than old fashioned. Anyway lots of 'old fashioned' names are making a comeback, I especially love the name Ruby.

I think I would be asking myself how much my partner cared about me, especially when he is completely disregarding something so important to me. I really don't like that he is calling you stupid either!

IonaNE · 04/09/2016 19:01

Just seen the posts about the surname - I'd give the baby your surname, OP. She can have his when he marries you.

RaspberryOverload · 04/09/2016 19:02

43percentburnt Sun 04-Sep-16 18:48:08

Anti marriage - give her your surname. (I know that's not your question!). If he ever decides to marry you can easily change it, if you ever split (more likely if not married) he is unlikely to ever let her change her surname to yours).

OP I totally agree with this. If your relationship doesn't survive, it'll be easier being a single parent than having to explain, every time, why your DD has a different surname. Make sure you are well protected finance-wise.

Original poster

user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 19:05

Thanks for all your advice everyone
Il have another chat to him in the near future and see how he feels and if anything has changed.

OP posts:

RaspberryOverload · 04/09/2016 19:07

Actually, it's only recently that children have been given the surnames of their fathers when parents are unmarried.

The tradition is that it's the mother's surname used when the parents are not married.

sofato5miles · 04/09/2016 19:08

What a charmer he is. You are not married. Stand up for yourself. He does not get a say and you can register her. She should have your surname for a start!!

Are ypu financially reliant on him OP? Is he kind to you?

Original poster

user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 19:09

We don't live together yet.
I have my own place and I work.
We have our own money and I pay my own bills etc

OP posts:

XinnaJane · 04/09/2016 19:18

I think if it were me, I would decide that actually I don't like his surname any more and I wanted baby to have mine. A lot of men are adamant that baby will have their surname. If he's like this, it's a bit hypocritical to criticise you for being adamant about the first name. He really needs to try and see your point of view.

XinnaJane · 04/09/2016 19:19

Anyway if you're not married, you can call the baby anything you like. It's actually quite kind of you to consult him

QueenLizIII · 04/09/2016 19:26

What a charmer he is. You are not married. Stand up for yourself. He does not get a say and you can register her. She should have your surname for a start!!

If he cant yield over something like this, something so very important to you, then what else will he be selfish about?

Just register her yourself, dont bother asking him.

Dinah reminds me of Alice in Wonderland. Very nice.

Lisa and Molly are just boring and dated.

Propertyquandry · 04/09/2016 19:29

You don't even live together???
Bloody hell OP, call your baby Dinah YourSurname and be done with it.

He won't marry you. He's expecting you to use his surname for your baby and he wants to veto you using your late mother's first name?

Grow a backbone woman or you'll be back here in 5yrs talking about financial abuse when you're still not married but have given up your job and had a second baby and he expects you and the children to live off the £4.50 he gives you each week as you have no access to the bank account.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 19:32

Not even living together? So he has made no commitment to you at all? I wouldn't give his preferences another thought to be honest.

I look like a right turn-coat on here, don't I? But seriously, this isn't a situation in which giving in to his preferences is going to help you. Do what you want to do.

Isetan · 04/09/2016 19:34

I'm sorry for your loss Op but I could never accept being told what name I would give my daughter, it should be a comprimise not a decree. Your sentimental reasons don't trump his unsentimental reasons. Your partner is not being selfish (as some posters have suggested), he's expressing his opinion, which he is allowed.

I understand your strong feelings but they don't entitle you to disregard the opinions of your partner.

Soubriquet · 04/09/2016 19:36

Im normally someone who thinks babies should have dads surname but in your case, give your baby, YOUR surname

You aren't married, you don't plan to be married and you don't live together.

Hulababy · 04/09/2016 19:36

Its a pretty name. Older, more traditional - yes. It is infinitely better than Lisa. I do like Molly (my DD is Mollie) too.

Dinah was my great grandma's name and it is my sister's middle name. Though when my sister was born everyone did assume it was Diana or Diane my parents were meaning.

I can understand why you want this name and why it is so important to you.
However, really the name should be agreed between you. To me, no one person should get to choose a name the other dislikes.

So, you also do not have to agree to his name choices either.

Its tricky. You have really valid, emotional ties to your name choices.
But I am not sure you can force him either.

Propertyquandry · 04/09/2016 19:37

But if that partner is aware of those feelings then he shouldn't be having a baby with someone who feels that way.
Isetan, surely is a potential partner told you they would only consider calling their son by a name you hated then you would give serious consideration to the weighing up of either agreeing to that name or walking away. However, the thread has changed somewhat.

hermione2016 · 04/09/2016 19:41

How long have you been together? I really do think it should be your surname unless you get married.He is still obviously the dad but it will save you considerable less hassle later on down the line if you have the same name as your child.Until you go through registering at nurseries/schools it won't become too apparent.

Also if you don't get your first name and surname I suspect you will start to feel resentment.
I like your mum's name but I come from a family where names are inherited and I wished it wasn't so.I don't feel the connection and would have preferred to have been viewed as unique.There is an alternative opinion here which your daughter may share.

I lost a parent at a similar age so really understand your sense of loss, you do not ever fully recover. However I have learnt that you need to heal those losses within yourself.I wish you all the best.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2016 19:41

You keep saying that property but I don't accept it.

My decision to call my DS 'Paul' (say) because it's the name ive always wanted since I was 10 doesnt trump the fact that my DP doesn't want to call his son Paul! He's never considered the name for his PFB and he doesn't like it.

It just doesn't work that way.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 19:42

I actually think giving babies their father's surname whether the parents are married or not is one of the daftest things women do to undermine themselves in relationships. It's like painting a big flag on your head saying, 'Why buy the cow when the milk is free?'

I don't think we should need marriage and I don't think it is a moral good. Nothing to do with that. But the legal protections it affords a woman who is on maternity leave, or who takes a step back in her career and therefore becomes financially dependent on an earning partner - and let's face it, very few men are clamouring for that situation to reverse - are invaluable. Giving your child the man's name when there is no marriage or even engagement is just giving him the chance to look to the world as if he stepped up when he didn't, and making it virtually inevitable that you will one day wish you hadn't.

Propertyquandry · 04/09/2016 19:47

But, TTandT, if he knew it was that important to you that not doing it may affect your mental health and you'd made clear to him that importance then he would have the option to either say, OK, I'm not keen on Paul but I love TTandT and I know it's massively important to her so I'll go along with it or say, I'm sorry, I could never call my son, Paul so I'm afraid I don't see s future with us.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2016 19:53

Well a disclaimer on this thread is that the OP didn't actually voice it to him.

But.,,,I would probably have said to my Dh 'over my dead body hahaha' then dismissed it. Surely if you fall in love with someone you don't expect to impose the first name of a dead person on the child of your loved one, if they hate it. Honouring that person by using it as a middle name is entirely different.

Fwiw I think Dinah is by far the best if the three choices. But that's not the point.

Msqueen33 · 04/09/2016 19:54

Tough one. Does he desperately hate it?! I chose all my kids names but they were given partner's surname (had two before we got married). If he'd have desperately hated it i would have thought hard about it but he wasn't overly fussed. I think he would have compromised if it had a sentimental attachment. I'm fussy on names but her name is very pretty.

Can I ask why you're not living together? Are there any plans to? I would be quite cautious about giving the child his surname as he's not keen to get married and you don't live together.

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 04/09/2016 20:00

Trifleorbust

if you give it his and you break up, you will regret not having the same name as your child, trust me.

Really? My dc have their dad's surname. We were never married and separated when they were 5 and 3. I've never regretted them having his name. It's never been an issue. School know my name isn't the same as theirs and call me Miss Mysurname (they asked if I preferred Miss or Ms).
If you want to give her his surname then do.

Propertyquandry · 04/09/2016 20:00

Ok, maybe just us then. We discussed all the scenarios. What if scans reveal the baby has DS or any other issues? Is that the same for subsequent babies? What if I put on weight? What if I die in childbirth? I'd say all the important questions are even more Important if you're not married. But then I'd been with DH for 15yrs before I was sure we'd ironed the creases and saved for most eventualities and therefore could go ahead and have a baby! Some people are less thorough I guess or maybe just anal!

Propertyquandry · 04/09/2016 20:00

less anal

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