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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

We don't agree on babies name ....

185 replies

user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 14:30

I know it's a joint decision but I feel so strongly about this.
My late mum died when I was 11.
She was my best friend and we were always together and I'm now 30 and not 1 day goes by I don't think about her.
I'm an only child and I always said if I had a daughter I would name her after her.
Her name was Dinah ..now I know it's a old fashioned name but I don't care.
It feels right and the thought of not calling her Dinah makes me upset.
My Oh says we aren't calling her that and he wants to call her Lisa.
I don't want it has her middle name.
I know I'm being unreasonable but I just really want this.
I feel like my mums memory will live on and she will always be a part of us this way.
I know I'm being selfish.
I don't know what to do :-(

OP posts:

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user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 18:47

I've never said he shouldn't have a choice..

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 04/09/2016 18:48

Anti marriage - give her your surname. (I know that's not your question!). If he ever decides to marry you can easily change it, if you ever split (more likely if not married) he is unlikely to ever let her change her surname to yours).

Yep he may be annoyed but he can't argue it's because it's traditional.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 18:48

Purple: I'm assuming he knows what his child's surname will be...

PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2016 18:48

Did you talk about whose surname the baby would have?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2016 18:49

Yes you are. - you're saying your joint daughter needs to be called Dinah. Full stop. Why doesn't he get a say?

StopMakingMeLogOn · 04/09/2016 18:49

I think it is a bad idea for an unmarried woman to give her baby a different last name to herself. That said, given that the baby is having his last name, you should get more of a say over the first name.

You have a very good reason for ypur choice, so this isnt just a disagreement about preferences and if he is happy to disregard the deep emotional attatchment you feel towards this name then I question how good a partner he is generally.

Am prepared for the flaming but you are not married, you can register the baby without him and in your shoes I would just go ahead and register her with the name of your mum.

Propertyquandry · 04/09/2016 18:50

Well OP, if you didn't ever discuss it then I don't know what to say? If you never thought there was a possibility you'd ever have s baby with this man and all your contraception failed then fair enough. But if you ever thought there was a chance you'd have a baby together then you'd discuss all these things. You discuss all the biggies such as whether you'll both return to work, whether you plan to use childcare before preschool, whether you'll chose a house based on location or size, whether you believe in grammar or fee paying or strongly support comprehensives. All of this is stuff you discuss before even dropping to one form of contraceptive or at least we did. But then we also waiting from getting together in early 20s until having a baby in late 30s to know we had same views on stuff and were financially ok.

user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 18:50

No we haven't talked about the surname ..It was just a given we would give her his surname

OP posts:

annandale · 04/09/2016 18:50

Are you anti marriage as well?

PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2016 18:51

Purple: I'm assuming he knows what his child's surname will be...

What I meant was its harsh to decide this bloke is being unreasonable when the op might have (rightly or wrongly) just decided to follow tradition and give the baby his surname without ever even considering any other options.

43percentburnt · 04/09/2016 18:51

Why doesn't he?
If it's cos of money - do it cheap.
If it's just a bit of paper - then he may as well marry.

PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2016 18:51

Cross posted with the op there.

StopMakingMeLogOn · 04/09/2016 18:51

Seems to me like he is getting to make all the choices here. Tome yo assert yourself a bit and get some things your way.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 18:53

OP, if he doesn't know you are planning on giving the baby his surname then this is a good opportunity for you to do what I would consider the sensible thing - give it yours. You can always change it to his later if you want to, but if you give it his and you break up, you will regret not having the same name as your child, trust me. If this means compromising on the first name and having this as a middle name, I would do this for definite.

user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 18:54

The thing is I want this name because it means something to me and he wants a name that means nothing to him.
Why shouldn't she be called after my mum..it means everything to me.

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 04/09/2016 18:54

Agree with stop, tradition when it suits him! Why hasn't he discussed the surname if you aren't married.

Register baby alone - Dinah Your Surname - may save future issues.

PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2016 18:55

She is his daughter too. He will say her name every day. It isn't fair to use something he hates, just as if he wanted to call her a name you really disliked.

43percentburnt · 04/09/2016 18:56

Btw was he aware prior to pregnancy you wanted to use Dinah and why?

GruffaloPants · 04/09/2016 18:57

I usually think both should like the name, but this is an exceptional situation. Plus, Dinah is lovely. Lisa and Molly are fine, but obviously don't have any particular meaning in this situation.

Perhaps your partner could call baby Dinah by a nickname, such as Nina?

The baby will get his surname. Let him pick the middle name too if he wishes. He shouldn't begrudge you this.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/09/2016 18:57

I wouldn't give the baby your dps surname as if ye break up it will be awkward. But if he really insists he definitely has to give in on Dinah, a beautiful name by the way. He can't have all his own way.
I was going to suggest what's already suggested. When you are in the throes of labour and he is all concerned look deep into his eyes and say l really want to call her Dinah. But why do l feel this guy won't be that emotional. ( not like my guy who said call her whatever you want, you deserve that.) and l ended up with a name that's hovering around the top of the list ever since. I should have gone with his suggestion after all!

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 18:58

Yes, but he really doesn't like the name Dinah

Given the additional information here about his attitude to marrying you (when you want marriage) I would be asking myself the following: do I really believe this relationship is forever?

If I did, I would give him equal say and choose a name we both liked.

If I didn't, I would put more weight with my own preferences and call her Dinah Mysurname.

Sounds harsh, but there are many things I wouldn't do for a man who is "anti-marriage".

IonaNE · 04/09/2016 18:58

I always said if I had a daughter I would name her after her
I am going to go against the majority opinion here, but I think, OP, that unless you go with an anonymous sperm donor, you can't just decide things like this beforehand, because that daughter is not going to be only your daughter, she is equally his daughter, too, and he has an equal right to decide what her name should (not) be.

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PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2016 18:58

43 the op has said this...
Our baby wasn't planned so we never discussed it ..i just knew in my head one day if I had a daughter I would name her Dinah.

PrimalLass · 04/09/2016 19:00

I am not married to DP. We have two children. As they have his surname (hugely traditional, lots of history etc.) then I did 100% chose their first names.

user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 19:00

I know it makes no sense to most of you but naming her after my mum would help me.
I've never got over loosing her but this would help me.

OP posts:

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