We don't agree on babies name ....

[user1471888857]

I know it's a joint decision but I feel so strongly about this.
My late mum died when I was 11.
She was my best friend and we were always together and I'm now 30 and not 1 day goes by I don't think about her.
I'm an only child and I always said if I had a daughter I would name her after her.
Her name was Dinah ..now I know it's a old fashioned name but I don't care.
It feels right and the thought of not calling her Dinah makes me upset.
My Oh says we aren't calling her that and he wants to call her Lisa.
I don't want it has her middle name.
I know I'm being unreasonable but I just really want this.
I feel like my mums memory will live on and she will always be a part of us this way.
I know I'm being selfish.
I don't know what to do :-(

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

With my DH his nanna raised him from being young. That lady was his queen. Year before we got together she sadly passed. When pregnant he never once suggested his nannas name. He wanted our child to have their own identity.
I could imagine this the other way round
"DH wants to name dd after his mother who passed her name was Betty I hate it! "
All the responses would be no way you carried the baby your choice.
So your partner should hate his childs name for the sake of making you happy. Totally unfair.

[BabooshkaKate]

OP, how old are you?

[maggiethemagpie]

Haven't read the whole thread but love the name Dinah!

[Cabrinha]

And even if you don't go with Dinah, using your surname means that you and your daughter both have your mum's surname.

[Cabrinha]

Well that was one hell of a drip feed

An accidental pregnancy to a man you don't even live with and who isn't interested in marrying you.

I'm still a bit unsure about you using a name if he actually really doesn't like it. But... I take back my earlier post. How long do you think this relationship is actually going to last?

Madness to give the baby his surname.

I gave my daughter her father's name - we were married but I never changed mine. I preferred his. Now we're divorced and every time I fly abroad with her I have to show a letter from him and copy of birth certificate to prove she's mine. That actually doesn't bother me... but how about you? Fancy having to prove she's yours?

Give her your surname, and change both if you ever marry.

[pinkyredrose]

OP how long have you been with this guy?

[pinkyredrose]

If he doesn't believe in marraige why does he want the baby to have his surname?

OP you really need to think more about this instead of giving the baby his surname for no good reason. If he pressures you into using his choice of name and you later regret it then you won't be able to change it without his permission if baby has his surname. Also if you want to take the baby abroad you could easily have problems at passport control if you have a different name, also you would need a letter from him stating that he's the father and he gives permiission for you to take his child abroad.

It doesn't sound like he even wanted a baby so why are you letting him have so much say and why are you blindly following what you think convention is?

[mummyto2monkeys]

Another here who agrees that you should register baby on your own. Are you in a long term relationship with him? How long have you been together? I did find it very strange that your partner was so dismissive of something that means so much to you. I think in a loving relationship, your partner would understand just how much it means to you and be happy to name your daughter Dinah.

Am I right in thinking that you have no commitment from this man? Meaning that essentially you will be leaving hospital alone with your child? I think that you need to consider very carefully, whether you want this man to have parental responsibility for your daughter. This is not about names, this is about choosing the best possible path for your daughter. From your op this man sounds controlling, telling you that your choice is vetoed and giving you two other choices that you dislike.

You may find when your daughter is born that she suits neither Dinah or Lisa or Molly....in that case Dinah can be a middle name in tribute to your Mother. But that should be your choice as her Mother. If you were married or in a long term committed relationship I do think that both parents have a right to choose. However you are not even living together....so this doesn't bode well for your future relationship. Do you want to have to ask for a letter of permission to leave the country (because your daughter has her Father's surname rather than yours)? He may not be happy if you choose to give your daughter your surname, but you aren't even living together! I would explain that if you get married, you will change both your name and your daughters name.

Right now you don't have any proof that this man who sounds utterly anti commitment, will ever be ready to give you a commitment (eg. living together and yes marriage, he might be anti marriage but you are not!). That means that essentially you are a single Mum with a ready built in arrangement for visitation from your boyfriend. Does this mean that Monday to Friday 24/7 you are a single Mum with no support from your boyfriend? Then he gets to visit on a Saturday, play Daddy then go off out with his friends, then maybe if he is not too hung over he can come play Daddy again on the Sunday. How on earth can you be a family if he won't move in with you? ( I am not projecting here as I am happily married, I am just wondering where op and her new baby will fit into the life of a self confessed commitment phobe. ) Have you discussed how much involvement your boyfriend will have once your baby girl arrives? Is he going to contribute financially to your daughter?

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

Actually you've given very little information here, and some massive drip feeds that mean people are, understandably, changing their minds!

My feeling is this:

In a marriage, both parents have equal say and power of veto on the names of children. In this case, the fact that you decided at 11 that you would name any future daughter you had after your mother, with no discussion, would carry no weight with me, I'm afraid. I don't agree with naming children after other people. They are individuals in their own right and deserve to have their own name.

In your situation, however, I would say it's the opposite. I would chose the name, and I would give my surname. Both of my children were born when I was unmarried and they both had my surname. It wasn't even up for discussion. Future MIL had something to say about it but I said that was my decision and it wasn't up for discussion.

The baby wasn't planned, you hadn't discussed names, you don't live together, your finances are separate, you won't be getting married... how long have you been together, exactly..?

[saffronwblue]

Dinah is a really lovely name and I hope you get to use it. I do think the huge life-shaping loss you suffered as a child is much more meaningful that his mere preference. I think giving birth to your precious daughter will make you feel even closer to your mother, no matter what you name her.

[Dogolphin]

I suggest Dinah Middle name His Surname Your Surname. Go alone and get the job done properly. He has already made cruel comments about calling a dog your lovely mother's beautiful name. He doesn't sound at all nice.

Chose a name you both like and agree on for the middle name. Pop in his surname if you want to. Keep the first name and your surname. I hated having a different surname to my baby and it complicated things down the line. You could always double barrel all you names later if you get married.

[Kr1stina]

The fact that your boyfriend wants all the male privilege of traditional marriage ( which he " doesn't belive in" ) , yet none of the responsibility, speaks volumes.

He is telling you who he is - please listen .

[ThreeSheetsToTheWind]

I was totally adamant when I was pregnant, if it was a boy it was going to be called after my Dad. No discussion. When my OH gets to carry and give birth he can choose the name :)

When my second was born it would have been Charlotte or Victoria but I just took one look at her and knew neither were right for her and came up with something totally different. However, it was still my choice at the end of the day.

I would wait until your little one arrives and see how you feel then. I still say though, your choice!

[Trifleorbust]

Avenge: I understand that, but in this case the OP obviously wants more commitment (which would give the father more opportunity to form a strong bonds with his new baby) and he doesn't want to. I would not be inclined to give him his choice of names to the detriment of my own preferences, knowing I was likely to be doing all the sleepless nights, all the feeds, the nappy changes, and I was likely to be the one making the larger career and financial sacrifice. No way.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You don't live together, he doesn't want to marry you, you have separate money and homes... The baby would be Dinah YourSurname in my world. At a push Dinah HisSurname if you like that. But not in a month of Sunday's would she be Lisa HisSurname. Where are you in that? The person who is giving birth...

DD is called a name I chose before I met DH. He got the last name, I got the first. And we're married but I don't use his name.

Why the hell does he think he gets BOTH names?

[AvengeTheDoc]

Your views are your views Trifle, as are others for example I don't condone it and I'm not saying it necessarily would happen but in some ways I can understand why some men may find it "easier" to abandon children as it seems for some women, once the man has had sex, the woman gets pregnant, which can be absolutely horrible as can the birth, but in some ways that can emotionally strain a person (which isn't the pregnant woman's fault in general but I'm sure it's taxing on men in other ways) and then a man often has to get things generally ready doing DIY in the nursery/ bedroom, and then it seems some women take away any rights to naming the child even if the DP/DH hates it, basically the man sometimes doesn't seem to get any attachment to a child until it's arrived( and sometimes even after they can't see a child as much to form a bond), unlike mothers who often form an attachment pre birth through feeling kicking etc, I just think if a mans feelings are pushed aside completely it could be hard to make an attachment, I don't condone it but in some sense I can understand it a little

[Trifleorbust]

Sorry to those who think my comment is unpleasant. It's nothing to do with thinking everyone should be married. I simply feel that, in a society where we are supposed to be equal, there still seems to exist the strange presumption that a baby should carry its father's surname...but sod mum, she doesn't matter as much. I wouldn't be extending the privilege of prioritising his name over mine to a man who refused me and my child the legal protection of marriage. Others can obviously do as they wish.

[PurpleDaisies]

I think being the pregnant one who goes through labour should trump his choices!

That only works in a same sex relationship where both partners have the opportunity to become pregnant and go through labour. The boyfriend has no choice here. He is equally the parent of the baby and the op believes he is sticking around to raise her with her. He should have an equal say in the name.

[iminshock]

And dp named the next one. All happy

[iminshock]

Because that's what I did with my firstborn. Named him after my dad. Dp needed some persuasion !
I think being the pregnant one who goes through labour should trump his choices !

[iminshock]

Dinah is an utterly stonkingly fabulous name. And your mum sounds amazing.

Just stand your ground , wear him down and let him name the next kid !

[BadToTheBone]

Sorry but I'm going against the majority here. He doesn't like the name , so it should be dismissed, likewise you don't like Lisa, so that should be taken off the table too.

I understand you want to honour your mum but you could find another way, surely?

[Footle]

PrimalLass, it is quite sick-making.