Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We don't agree on babies name ....

185 replies

user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 14:30

I know it's a joint decision but I feel so strongly about this.
My late mum died when I was 11.
She was my best friend and we were always together and I'm now 30 and not 1 day goes by I don't think about her.
I'm an only child and I always said if I had a daughter I would name her after her.
Her name was Dinah ..now I know it's a old fashioned name but I don't care.
It feels right and the thought of not calling her Dinah makes me upset.
My Oh says we aren't calling her that and he wants to call her Lisa.
I don't want it has her middle name.
I know I'm being unreasonable but I just really want this.
I feel like my mums memory will live on and she will always be a part of us this way.
I know I'm being selfish.
I don't know what to do :-(

OP posts:
oldbirdy · 04/09/2016 18:04

I wonder if this thread would have been different if the dp had suggested Dinah and the late Mum's name had been Lisa....

Minime85 · 04/09/2016 18:05

Ex and I did this and even had a row night before we had her but then after another emergency c section he said you call her whatever you want. Ironically the first thing that came out of my mouth was the name he had wanted. My name is her middle name

alltouchedout · 04/09/2016 18:07

I like Dinah, it's a timeless name- isn't there a daughter of Jacob called Dinah in the bible?
It's difficult though OP. If your dh really doesn't like it I see why he doesn't want to use it although I do think he should be much kinder to you in the way he discusses it.

Propertyquandry · 04/09/2016 18:12

oldbirdy, actually I think the name is irrelevant.

Hillfarmer · 04/09/2016 18:16

Dinah is a lovely name.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 18:18

A lot of people saying he should have thought twice about having a baby with her, then. OP, did he know you felt this way before you started trying for a baby?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 04/09/2016 18:23

OP, why are you giving your daughter a different surname to yourself? Will you be marrying soon? If not, it seems strange to not give her your surname

Propertyquandry · 04/09/2016 18:23

Well the op said she's always felt this way so it would make sense to have discussed it. If she didn't she only has herself to blame. If she did then he doesn't have any come back. And in fact, as the op and her DP are not married then she register the baby with whatever name she chooses.

Op, how would he feel if you suggested baby having your surname? If he says no way and is adamant that she is having his surname then he cannot argue for the right to choose her first name too.

Cabrinha · 04/09/2016 18:25

I feel for you, and I'm sympathetic.
But - I agree with your boyfriend I'm afraid. He shouldn't (and you shouldn't) have to accept a name that is really disliked.

I actually love the name Dinah - but that's not relevant, 100 people could post that they love it - it's his opinion that matters.

My FIL died and I briefly thought about his nane whilst pregnant. Reginald. Yeah - even as a middle name, no no no. XH didn't want to anyway, but I'd have been devastated to be pushed into that name. Even if people here love Dinah, if it's a Reginald name to him, don't force it.

The other thing I noted was you saying it'd be like keeping your mum with you. She is with you. She'll stay with you every time you show your daughter her picture, share stories... she will not be more with you for giving her name. I actually dislike naming babies in a tribute way, as I think babies should come into the world with their own name.

Honour your mum through telling your daughter all about her, and being the mum you will be because she was a good mum to you. That means more than a name. Good luck Flowers

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 18:28

Property: I don't think it's really enough to have said, "I'd really like to call a girl Dinah, after my mum" before pregnancy, tbh. We all say lots of things before there is an actual baby on the scene. If the OP did make it clear that this was the only name she would consider, however, then her DP is being unreasonable if he didn't express his dislike of the name at the time (as awkward as that would be!).

Becky546 · 04/09/2016 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 04/09/2016 18:33
  • Hopelessly - a man can't equally chose a name for his child a'ong with his partner because he's unable to give birth? Even if he wanted to? Bollocks to that. How unfair. You have to find a compromise first name you both like.*

Not what I said/ meant
My dh chose the name of our eldest (a name I liked but definitely his choice that we agreed upon)
But in this case there is no compromise or mutually agreeable name (at the moment)
Either it is Dinah or not Dinah
Any other name will disappoint the OP
She already offered that he can name the second born if she names this child

Hopefully they can discuss and reach an agreement together on a name, or after the birth realise that at least one of them is more open to compromise, but if they truly cannot reach any agreement I think the mother should have a greater voice, given that she has put in 99.9% of the effort so far!

Propertyquandry · 04/09/2016 18:33

Becky but if she made her feelings clear before getting pregnant and he didn't say no at that point then he has no right to complain now. If he knew beforehand he should have made clear how he felt or not had s baby with the op.

PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2016 18:35

Hopefully they can discuss and reach an agreement together on a name, or after the birth realise that at least one of them is more open to compromise, but if they truly cannot reach any agreement I think the mother should have a greater voice, given that she has put in 99.9% of the effort so far!

By virtue of having been pregnant and given birth?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2016 18:38

Totally agree Becky

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2016 18:39

She can make her feelings clear all she likes. But her OH has 'feelings' too.

ApocalypseSlough · 04/09/2016 18:39

It's a lovely name. Really lovely and you have a wonderful reason for choosing it. Tell him tough- and maybe use the use of his surname as a bartering tool. Are you planning on getting married? Why are you using it?

annandale · 04/09/2016 18:41

I'm influenced because Dinah is such a fantastic name - trying to imagine what I would say if the name you wanted was Icklethump or something.

It's true that everyone should try not to give their kids really awful or stupid names. It's also true that ideally every partner should have an equal say in names as it's a long time to live with a name you don't like.

What I don't like is that you are being framed as the emotional irrational one. What is logical about just saying We're not calling her that? He's responding emotionally to the name. Why not try probing what his emotional reactions to Dinah are? most men I know would agree to anything to stop that process

Also, you do know that you can call her whatever you like don't you? My mum was officially called after a rich godparent but her parents never used the name.

Becky546 · 04/09/2016 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 18:42

No plans on getting married ..he is very anti marriage as well.
I just thought it was the decent thing to do giving her his surname and he wouldn't like it otherwise.
Our baby wasn't planned so we never discussed it ..i just knew in my head one day if I had a daughter I would name her Dinah.

OP posts:
Propertyquandry · 04/09/2016 18:43

In this case by virtue of it meaning so much to the op. Massively so. In 99% of cases, parents must agree but in this case I think he's showing a huge disregard for her feelings. Is he even deeply considering that if this is her only daughter then she may still be upset about this 20yrs down the line? Close bereavement often causes those bereaved to cling onto tiny things which seem silly it petty to other people but yet can catastrophically affect the emotional wellbeing of the bereaved person. Is that how he wants to start his new family life? By catastrophically damaging the emotional wellbeing on his new baby's mother?

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 18:43

Okay, I am changing my mind here. He is anti-marriage and yet you are giving her his surname? He is being unreasonable.

PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2016 18:45

Okay, I am changing my mind here. He is anti-marriage and yet you are giving her his surname? He is being unreasonable.

How do you know the op has even discussed is with him?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2016 18:45

Our baby wasn't planned so we never discussed it Confused

So why do you think he shouldn't have a choice as to what his daughter will be called,,OP?

Original poster
user1471888857 · 04/09/2016 18:46

I did want to get married ..I mean I do but he doesn't and that's fair enough.
I've accepted that we won't do the marriage thing,as long as he is here for us I can do without the ring.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread