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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

new guy and his 3 children.....

170 replies

toots321 · 03/09/2016 23:07

I was a single parent for 6 years before meeting someone. I went back to college and then onto do a degree whilst working and doing voluntary work. Being a single mum has been the hardest job ever!! Sooooo I have met a guy (who lives at home due to his relationship break down) who has 3 children all under the age of 8 (all lovely) who he has every weekend. My life is bonkers. Work/study/exams and 3 children myself without support from my ex. My week is full of school run/pack lunch/dance class/swimming lessons/cooking/cleaning/working/gardening/assignments/uni/and sleep! I seriously have no time to shave my arm pits (seriously not that hairy)
Anyway.....I have no clue why I'm posting. I just feel a bit annoyed. New guy works nights so he visits and eats tea at ours. On weekends he doesn't ask but kids do. Everyone comes to me....6 girls - all go - no peace - messy house. I'm forever cleaning anyway so you can imagine after a weekend full of kids 🙈
He has absolutely no intention of getting his own place! I can't help but feel a bit peed off! I actually dread weekends. I don't enjoy it. I feel like I'm being a cow but I find it all go with my own. We don't go out as he has his girls every week. His ex doesn't work and has a child free weekend every weekend. I just feel a little deflated and in desperate need of a little tlc!

OP posts:

abbsismyhero · 03/09/2016 23:18

Nope nope nope move on he is not acting like a grown up here yes he works but why are you doing all the cleaning? Why won't he get his own place? Your taking the place of his ex/mum he needs to be the parent here

SandyY2K · 03/09/2016 23:21

You can always tell him you have plans with your daughters one weekend and give yourself a bit of space.

Don't you sometimes visit family at the weekend or take your girls out, just you and them? You need some time to spend with your daughters doing fun stuff.

Hillfarmer · 04/09/2016 00:10

No no no no! It doesn't sound like you're even consulted about being invaded by his kids at the weekend. You want a boyfriend, not a whole new family surely?

How long have you been seeing this bloke?

I just feel a bit annoyed. This must be an understatement. I would be incandescent. I'm feeling a bit hot under the collar just reading your post.

He doesn't ask... did he EVER ask? Comes round, eats his tea, dumps his kids on you and goes off to work? God help us.

You are not a cow. You don't enjoy it. No-one would. He is totally taking the piss. Why did you think anyone on here would think you were a cow? Why are his childcare arrangements anything to do with you? They are NOT!

pasic · 04/09/2016 00:49

How new is this new guy?

BlueFolly · 04/09/2016 02:01

Why on earth would you allow this to happen if you're not happy about it?

Stillunexpected · 04/09/2016 02:39

How did you even meet this guy and how much time have you been able to spend getting to know each other as you have such a busy life, children, study, opposing work schedules? To be blunt, you sound more like a housekeeper than a partner/girlfriend! He is using you for bed and board without any of the hassle of having to take you out.

ravenmum · 04/09/2016 05:58

Have you told him how you feel?

hotdiggedy · 04/09/2016 06:05

So to be clear, he comes round 5 days a week slightly before he starts work to eat with you. He comes round every weekend with his 3 children and you all stay in?

What do you get out of this? Don't you need the weekend to do all the hundreds of things you need to get done plus give some time to your own children? Why would your children want to spend every evening eating with him? Why would his girls who only get to see him at the weekend want to be bundled off to your house to share their dad with you and your children?

Seems to me that the only people benefiting from this are his parents who get space away from him in the evenings and weekends when you are looking after him and, well, him, as he now has someone to cook for him every night, clean up after him, give him some attention and then do it all over again for him and his children at the weekend!

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 04/09/2016 06:13

It seems he is using you as a free nanny. He doesn't see the relationship progressing which is why he doesn't want to move out of where he is. Sorry, but you don't need any additional hassle in your life when you have do much going on. Well done on being a single parent and doing everything you do! I could never manage.

Wallywobbles · 04/09/2016 06:55

He must think he's pretty special if he gives absolutely nothing to you but you feed him everyday and play mummy to his kids plus yours every weekend. I see what's in it for him, but not for you.

AyeAmarok · 04/09/2016 07:21

Unfortunately, I think he's taking massive advantage of you.

And you're letting him.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/09/2016 07:21

The problem here is he's doing all the taking and you are doing all of the giving!

Quite rightly you have seen the light and are now wondering what to do about it.

I think the answer is obvious.......

WellErrr · 04/09/2016 07:33

What they all said

Isetan · 04/09/2016 08:24

You need to have a word with yourself, you've enabled this chancer and he's taking full advantage of your genorisity gullibility. This is who he is and if you don't want to parent a grown arse man (and his children), then don't.

The status quo works for him and by going along with it, you've given the impression it works for you too.

Original poster

toots321 · 04/09/2016 08:27

Thankyou everyone
Seeing him alost a year. He says he can't afford his own place. I didn't mention they don't sleep over as there is no room. They have done and it was just awful as they were all too excited and didn't sleep. So they go home. I try to suggest going out alot but seriously can't afford it. I jave had weekends over the summer planned just me and my children and it was like a relief. I didn't feel guilty as we had plans. If I I know I shouldn't feel guilty but it's like I should be inviting them over as I'm the one with a house. We don't go out as he has his girls every single weekend (sat and sunday and sometimes friday). He has had a couple of Fridays off and left his children with his mum. We were chatting about the future and he said if we do move out we can get a bed settee for the living room so his children have a bedroom on weekends. I have absolutely no desire to move in with him. I have only just got myself financially stable. Although it's not brilliant at the moment and I just about cover my bills, when I qualify in just under 2 years I will be better off. That is the day I have worked so hard for. At least now I can make plans on occasional weekends and not have a houseful. He has got into a routine of popping in before work. He doesn't have tea every night. How do I change this? I was actually thinking of being busy every weekend. Would this be mean? I think to myself am I ever going to want to move in with him and take on so much extra. Without sounding too mean as he obviously would be taking on my 3 children.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 04/09/2016 08:29

Be busy every weekend and if it isn't working, why are you carrying this all on? Give yourself a break!

neonrainbow · 04/09/2016 08:30

This relationship didn't sound like it's going to work. It's hard enough to be a stepmum to one let alone three and that's being with a proper grown up man who has his own house and doesnt ever expect me to do childcare or take any responsibility for his child if i don't want to.

12purpleapples · 04/09/2016 08:31

Do you still want to be with him? If you are thinking of pretending to be busy every weekend?

CRazzyyAce · 04/09/2016 08:35

I think you know the answer to the question I would end the relationship for you sanity and your girls and maybe find someone abit more independent.

Original poster

toots321 · 04/09/2016 08:43

Being busy every weekend because I find it difficult with them all. I feel like a cow as they're his kids. I hint about him getting his own place and it's like I have said something wrong. In my head I want to live separately as in forever. He wants the future to be together. The way it should be I suppose.

OP posts:

hotdiggedy · 04/09/2016 09:07

Its a tricky situation for sure. I can understand that he may not be able to afford to move out. Is he low paid or maybe saving up to get somewhere? Of course, it would be tricky for you to all go round to his parents house and why would you want to? When they all come round at the weekend how many hours do they stay? Does he do anything at all? Tidy, help to make food, entertain the children? When he comes over to eat, how many times a week are we talking? Is it a case of arrive, eat, stay for half an hour then leave? Does he ever provide the food?

All you are doing at the moment is adding to your workload. does he see you both moving into a bigger place or him moving in with you?

What exactly is it that you like about him?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 04/09/2016 09:08

What do you do as a couple? Putting all the DCs aside, what's your relationship actually like, because you present it as par landlady, part childminder and housekeeper.

Out of interest how much does he contribute for all the food?

Original poster

toots321 · 04/09/2016 09:38

He says he can't afford it. He earns around 24k and 1 bed property is 400 -450 and 2 beds 550-650. He pay 300 child maintenance. So he is happy where he is. What I earn goes straight back out. I have very very little left for food shop and fuel but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I dated before I met him and have never experienced anything worse. Awful it was. He is the only guy that is kind, genuine and if I asked him to do something for us he would. He has cooked a few times and bought the food. Sometimes we have gone to the shop together and he will buy a couple of items but it's rare.
If hrs not in work I am and weekends we have all the children so there isn't much of a relationship. It's because of our schedule.
He has contributed to food when they come over (sometimes until 10pm other times a few hours) It's just hectic hectic hectic! I don't enjoy it. I should enjoy it?

OP posts:

WellErrr · 04/09/2016 10:05

Why should you enjoy it?

I wouldn't enjoy having 3 extra kids round every weekend.

And he 'contributes' to food when they're there? He should PROVIDE food.

This stuck out for me - He is the only guy that is kind, genuine and if I asked him to do something for us he would. He has cooked a few times and bought the food.

That's not kind. That's below the threshold of even doing half. I'm guessing that aside from the 'few times' he's bought and cooked food it's been your job?

He's a cocklodger. I'm failing to see what's in this for you at all.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2016 10:10

He is using you as a place to entertain his kids

You are a fool to allow it

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