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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

new guy and his 3 children.....

170 replies

toots321 · 03/09/2016 23:07

I was a single parent for 6 years before meeting someone. I went back to college and then onto do a degree whilst working and doing voluntary work. Being a single mum has been the hardest job ever!! Sooooo I have met a guy (who lives at home due to his relationship break down) who has 3 children all under the age of 8 (all lovely) who he has every weekend. My life is bonkers. Work/study/exams and 3 children myself without support from my ex. My week is full of school run/pack lunch/dance class/swimming lessons/cooking/cleaning/working/gardening/assignments/uni/and sleep! I seriously have no time to shave my arm pits (seriously not that hairy)
Anyway.....I have no clue why I'm posting. I just feel a bit annoyed. New guy works nights so he visits and eats tea at ours. On weekends he doesn't ask but kids do. Everyone comes to me....6 girls - all go - no peace - messy house. I'm forever cleaning anyway so you can imagine after a weekend full of kids 🙈
He has absolutely no intention of getting his own place! I can't help but feel a bit peed off! I actually dread weekends. I don't enjoy it. I feel like I'm being a cow but I find it all go with my own. We don't go out as he has his girls every week. His ex doesn't work and has a child free weekend every weekend. I just feel a little deflated and in desperate need of a little tlc!

OP posts:

tigermoll · 05/09/2016 07:19

Also bear in mind the impact it's having on your own kids -- EVERY weekend they have to share their home with three other kids, and it's chaotic and overwhelming. I bet they don't want their lives to be that way. Why do your needs and your kids needs come second to your boyfriend's?
And if he really would "do anything for you" then he should be fine about looking after his own kids in his own home, shouldn't he? :D

Mix56 · 05/09/2016 08:41

Just one tip, do not be forced to justify yourself, You have your life plan, & I admire you enormously for it. You are solvent, have your own house & kids & manage. Taking on his load is not your problem.
I am sure he will try & talk you out of it.
Remember "No" is a whole sentence.
"Its not working for me". & repeat.

Original poster

toots321 · 05/09/2016 09:13

You are all right. Sometimes it's nice to hear someone else's outside view. My girls actually enjoy it. It's like a party every weekend. I do miss just me and them.
I wish I hadn't fallen into the every night every weekend now. I feel so much better after posting. Definitely no longer feel like a cow. Thankyou everyone

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 05/09/2016 09:13

Please tell me if I'm being a cow..... I can never see myself moving in with him as he has his kids every weekend. I just couldn't do it permanently. Is that a reasonable thing to say to him?

Of course it's reasonable! You're telling him how you feel! You have just as much right as he does top ask for what YOU want out of this relationship.

I agree with other posters - what you describe would drive me mad. Too many kids, not enough down time. Reclaim your life! Spend some more time with your children. He needs to sort his own life out.

Original poster

toots321 · 05/09/2016 09:57

Thank you
I feel soooo much better.

OP posts:

Mix56 · 09/09/2016 16:47

Have you had the talk toots?

adora1 · 09/09/2016 16:53

OMG, he is so using you, I can see what he gets out of it, free food, someone else to entertain his kids and clean up after them but what the hell are you getting out of it, you must be off your head.

Raise your bar OP, you are settling for crap, he's not that kind, if he was he would show you it and not dump on you and expect you to do everything for him, is he a fucken god?

Original poster

toots321 · 09/09/2016 17:38

Mix56 - yes we did thankyou for asking.
It hasn't gone down too well. At first he said he completely understood. He was a little needy via text so reassured him that I had uni deadlines and with dc2 not settling at comp I have alot on but would like to make time to date. I also said that weekends with 6 kids is way too much for me. He popped in for a coffee and asked if I would like to work off some tension in the bedroom. That was the last thing on my mind. He then asked if I was going to reward him for being understanding (about me being busy)

I told him I want to date not just have him pop in. We both have to work with our situations (him working nights - me being busy and him having his kids every weekend ) as the week has gone on and I haven't invited him over he started to send messages like I'm being distant and implying we won't live together if weekends are too much. I explained that his childcare arrangements are up to him but if it's too much for me then it's how I feel and that's allowed. He went on how he can't afford his own place. The last message was yesterday when I told him weekends were too much for me.
I posted again on here as I question if I want this.

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 09/09/2016 17:42

He thinks sex is a "reward" for him?! He's sounding quite unappealing.

adora1 · 09/09/2016 17:48

There's your proof then OP that he's a user, probably using his parents home too, he wanted a shag probably before he went off on his merry way forever - you should be sighing with relief.

Original poster

toots321 · 09/09/2016 17:59

I know adora1 - I have absolutely no more energy left in me to care. He has acted ridiculously childish when I have so much on my plate too.

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 09/09/2016 18:00

The more you post the more it is crystal clear he is using you. You previously mentioned a couple of times that you struggle with the idea of him "taking on" your 3 girls without you feeling able to reciprocate by taking on his 3. The difference is, you taking on his girls means you doing the lion's share of the extra work created (cooking, tidying, paying for more electric used etc) but him taking on your three means him simply sharing your space with them whilst you still do (and pay for) the lion's share. Hardly comparable is it?

Get rid, he's a leech.

Original poster

toots321 · 09/09/2016 18:06

Tempus - I haven't looked at it that way. It's true! I won't be doing it anymore. He can't see how it's too much for me. I have suggested dating and making time. He seems to think I should be making time for him to pop in. I just can't find a time that suits because of our schedules and to be honest I don't want that anymore. I want to date and feel excited (hence my recent post) thankyou everyone

OP posts:

Cary2012 · 09/09/2016 18:07

Just dump him OP.

He sounds a waste of space.

Very insulting and patronising, thinking he deserves a reward by 'understanding'.

He of course doesn't want to be with three kids on his own, too much like hard work. His parents are probably only too pleased with the arrangement, they get weekends away from their needy adult son. If he has the kids at their house it's probably more than they can cope with.

Well tough luck.

You've done the right thing, been strong and raised your bar.

He'll grovel and crawl to keep his lovely arrangement. You'll either put up with it, which will cause you more stress. Or hopefully dump him properly, in which case he'll go and find another poor woman to rip off.

CalleighDoodle · 09/09/2016 18:17

He isnt a great dad. He cant even house his children. Thats basic parenting and he cant do it after three years living with his parents. He doeant want hia situatio to improve. He will drag you down

Original poster

toots321 · 09/09/2016 19:06

He obviously hasn't liked what I have put forward to him. I am not chasing him.
My mum adores him and thinks I should be having them at weekends and Aw bless him was her answer when I told her he offered me free fish and chips. She said tonight don't do anything you will regret he's probably feeling worried and we all say childish things when we feel vulnerable.

OP posts:

Cary2012 · 09/09/2016 19:08

Your mum's wrong.

Left · 09/09/2016 19:37

Send all six kids to your mum's for every weekend. She may just have a different perspective after week two... X

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 09/09/2016 19:38

Well done toots for stating what you want (& don't want) from your relationship. It sounds like his response was all about him. And wanting a 'reward' for not being a dick about you having your opinion is beyond immature!

Honestly, you have seen his true colours, I'm not saying that he doesn't love you, but he is also using you as somewhere to play happy families with his DCs at the weekends.

Unless he is prepared to listen and understand your feelings about your relationship and the future, he isn't worth wasting any more time on

Original poster

toots321 · 09/09/2016 19:45

My mum says things but I know full well she wouldn't live it. My mum married a guy when I was 12 and me and my siblings were emotionally neglected but that's another story. I want her to say 'you deserve the best' not settle.

He has been very childish. This week has been tough with dd starting comp and being upset. He should be a little more understanding. He should of been the one I turned to this week instead he's more concerned of not getting my attention.
Thankyou all and the flowers, much appreciated

OP posts:

Cary2012 · 09/09/2016 19:54

Hope DD settles well. Now, focus on her. How would you feel if she was being treated like you are in ten, twenty years time?

There's your answer x

Original poster

toots321 · 09/09/2016 19:58

Thankyou Cary2012 - That's exactly what I have been doing this week and will continue to do so. It's heartbreaking seeing them unhappy. Today was a better day for her. I will make sure she will be ok
Thanks again

OP posts:

Mummydummy · 09/09/2016 20:04

I'm sorry but that is so selfish. He's got you taking care of his kids and is using the place like a cafe. You really do need to draw a line, say what you need, which is presumably space, time for yourself, time to rest (I'm exhausted reading what you have to accomplish every week) and time to go out. Instead of things getting easier for you, as the children are starting to grow up you've acquired yet more heavy duty child care and house work on top of all your other responsibilities. And actually I think you might make yourself ill if you carry on.

Can't he have the kids on his own every other weekend - arrange when you two will meet, either as the two of you, or with kids, and he can find a babysitter to take you out one night a week. Whilst he looks for his own place and thinks about re-negotiating his arrangements with his ex. But, you do need to say what you need and want and give him the problem of working this all out. If he is a good and loving partner he needs to respect your needs and how this works for you too. Its a two way deal not a convenient cafe and nursery for him. If he cant or wont respond well I think you should walk away. You need a life too!

Original poster

toots321 · 09/09/2016 20:10

I have mummydummy
He hasn't taken it well. Everyone has been so helpful in making me see sense and pluck up courage to say something. I was feeling completely guilty at the beginning of the week and the more advice I get I am seeing it different and actually feeling so much better. Really appreciate everyones comments

OP posts:

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 09/09/2016 20:18

So confusing with two similar threads OP

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