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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

new guy and his 3 children.....

170 replies

toots321 · 03/09/2016 23:07

I was a single parent for 6 years before meeting someone. I went back to college and then onto do a degree whilst working and doing voluntary work. Being a single mum has been the hardest job ever!! Sooooo I have met a guy (who lives at home due to his relationship break down) who has 3 children all under the age of 8 (all lovely) who he has every weekend. My life is bonkers. Work/study/exams and 3 children myself without support from my ex. My week is full of school run/pack lunch/dance class/swimming lessons/cooking/cleaning/working/gardening/assignments/uni/and sleep! I seriously have no time to shave my arm pits (seriously not that hairy)
Anyway.....I have no clue why I'm posting. I just feel a bit annoyed. New guy works nights so he visits and eats tea at ours. On weekends he doesn't ask but kids do. Everyone comes to me....6 girls - all go - no peace - messy house. I'm forever cleaning anyway so you can imagine after a weekend full of kids 🙈
He has absolutely no intention of getting his own place! I can't help but feel a bit peed off! I actually dread weekends. I don't enjoy it. I feel like I'm being a cow but I find it all go with my own. We don't go out as he has his girls every week. His ex doesn't work and has a child free weekend every weekend. I just feel a little deflated and in desperate need of a little tlc!

OP posts:
Original poster
toots321 · 09/09/2016 20:24

They're both more or less the say outcome. In which I am grateful for advice Smile

OP posts:
Mix56 · 09/09/2016 22:39

Basically you are the perfect partner for him. He can get free meals, he can pick up his kids & deposit them at yours for the w/e. You do all the work, & hopefully when you get your exams, can make even more money for him to share.He gets a shag, he has no outlay, he keeps all his salary...... & goes home to parents to live for free.....
oops, sorry forgot the last of the big spenders offered you fish & chips.

Not such a big loss in my opinion., you are right, he should be "courting" you, that didn't seem necessary to him, he already had his feet under the table.
Look after your own family.

Original poster
toots321 · 10/09/2016 14:36

Mix56 - he hasn't spoken to me since Thursday lunch time via text when we had text wars about future arrangements.

OP posts:
hermione2016 · 10/09/2016 15:42

This is a critical stage in your relationship, you have stated your very reasonable needs yet he has thrown his toys around.Hes got used to you fulfilling his needs so it's a big shift.

I am just getting out of a 15yesd marriage and wish I had not ignored the warning signs, the behaviour doesn't change and it gets worse.

He could have chosen so many different responses, such as 'I'll give you space but let me know if I can help'. It's fair that he's worried the relationship might be ending but if he did want listen to you and respect your needs the relationship should definitely be over.
Good luck, you sound smart, clever and very kind.Just watch out for that kindness especially around outwardly charming men who appear to offer loads but in reality give very little.

Hillfarmer · 10/09/2016 15:45

Has he got any stuff at yours OP? Bag it up. Then the only future arrangement you need to make is for a time when he will come to pick it up.

Sorted.

SandyY2K · 10/09/2016 15:53

So once you said the weekends were a bit much and you wanted to date ... he thinks being able to pop in for some sex is the answer.

You're doing a degree ... you're bettering yourself .... and the best he has to offer is fish and chips. Well lucky you!

You will only end up subsidising this man and his children if you live with him. If he hasn't got the motivation to get his own place then that's a glimpse of your future if you stayed with him.

His only way get out of his parents house is to get a place with you. I wonder why he and the Ex aren't togetger anymore. She probably got sick of him and his lack of ambition

You can do better than him my dear.

Cary2012 · 10/09/2016 16:11

Sandy's right OP, you can do better.

Now you've raised the bar, it's no longer appealing to him, he's looking for a place to take his kids, no strings sex and little effort. No decent woman would put up with him.

He sounds very lazy.

hotdiggedy · 10/09/2016 16:12

Sorry to hear it isn't working out the way you would have liked to but I'm glad you are able to see what he is like! he shouldn't be pressuring you about living together in the future and bombarding you with silly texts. He should be giving you some space!

Like you, I hardly have time to think so I don't know how he has the energy to spend so long texting you and dwelling on what might/might happen in the future. I don't even know how he can be bothered to keep wanting to make trips out to your house every night and weekend. Doesn't he like a bit of space/have other things to do? You would think he would at least enjoy a bit of alone time with his children since he doesn't live with them.

The bedroom suggestions made me feel quite queasy! He does sound very needy and a bit pathetic (sorry). Hold out for something a bit more exciting and definitely don't settle for anything less. Cant you just wait until you are more settled in your life to find someone long term?

Mix56 · 10/09/2016 17:18

Don't even read his texts, Nothing needs arranging. You have said what you want, you need time, space, & rather than say, Yes you're right, I will call & see if we can go to the pub/cinema/dinner one evening if we can get the kids parked... He got cross......... er, I think you should laugh & ignore.

sophiestew · 10/09/2016 17:56

He is showing you his true colours now OP.

Sadly, I doubt this is the last of it, he won't give you up that easily as you have facilitated his life and he will want that to continue. In his head, he is probably waiting for you to crack and text him saying you really miss him and want to see him. Then he can just press the reset button and it can all go back to how it was - meeting all his needs and none of yours aside from the fish and chips

I would bag up his stuff and get a mate to drop it off at his mothers. That might make him realise this gravy train has reached it's destination.

You deserve better. Flowers

DontMindMe1 · 10/09/2016 18:47

he 'can't afford' to move out on 24k? he can't afford to take his dc out anywhere or do anything with them? really? pathetic excuses.

i'm on 12.5k and i live on my own (+2 cats). if i wanted to date somebody i would find the time and finances to do it. he just wants to be mothered and have someone else take on real life responsibilities for him.

you're moving on with your life whilst he wants to remain stuck in an unhealthy pattern.

never feel guilty for wanting some joy out of life, some time for yourself/family. don't let any man clip your wings. you're working hard to provide for your family, their needs come first - it isn't your job to parent his kids.

Original poster
toots321 · 10/09/2016 19:42

Thanks everyone Smile
I feel so much better. I think sometimes he's lazy but felt mean thinking it. I felt guilty not wanting them here as it's not their fault. I felt annoyed I was struggling whikst he complained he can't afford his own place. Now i have said something its a huge release but although he hasn't spoken to me I a couple of days it's not over. The longer he stays aways makes me realise how selfish he is. All he's seeing is 'himself'. He could of responding different. I have done nothing wrong.
I don't have anything of his here.
I don't now how to react now! Do I ignore until he contacts and then say I don't think it's going to work out as we both want different things? At the beginning I spoke about our future and possibilities of living together but that was before. I feel different now. I haven't led him on have I? In thinking we would one day now I feel different.
Thanks for all your advice really really appreciate it Smile

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 10/09/2016 19:53

Stop feeling guilty for feeling the way you do lovely!

You are extremely kind. He's taken advantage of this.

If he gets in touch, then respond with something like you've thought it over, and decided it isn't the time for a relationship, you want to focus on your kids and your career. That's all.

If he doesn't get in touch. Just leave it

xx

hotdiggedy · 10/09/2016 20:01

No you haven't led him on! You gave it a go and have realised that it probably isn't going to work. You have figured out that you are incompatible for various reasons. I think you are being really sensible. What if you went along with it all then decided 2 years later when you attempted to move in together even thought your gut instinct was telling you something wasn't right?

Original poster
toots321 · 10/09/2016 20:02

Ok, thankyou Cary2012 and thankyou everyone!
I will say that [GULP] Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
toots321 · 10/09/2016 20:03

Thanks hotdiggedy - very true! Smile

OP posts:
ChampagneCommunist · 10/09/2016 20:31

You are a great role model for your children!

Mix56 · 11/09/2016 01:51

toots, my lovely, you have given him a lot, he has had time to realise how much you are worth. Big Fail.
The Golden phrase is aways It's not working for me & repeat

Original poster
toots321 · 11/09/2016 08:34

Thankyou Champagne I try my best Smile
Mix56 - this is true. I haven't missed him. I have felt quite chilled this weekend.

OP posts:
Yayme · 11/09/2016 09:05

I have been in a similar position trying to fit in a relationship with a man who was always hanging around while I tried to work and bring up my children. With all my commitments it was difficult to actually go out so he would just call in and stay around getting in the way. It was suffocating. Looking back it was all convenient to him as he was lazy and possessive. It was such a relief when I ended it and had space and time. Note: he did not take it well so beware.

Mind you he didn't have 3 kids so how you have put up with your weekends I have no idea!

PacificOcean · 11/09/2016 09:23

Leading someone on is when you know all along that it's not going to work out, but you pretend to them that you think it is. That's not what has happened at all! You said things a few months ago because you genuinely believed them at the time. Now you don't, because in the intervening period you've realised more about what you want and what you don't want. Everyone is allowed to change their minds in a relationship.

It's very telling that he's not been in touch since Thursday and you feel relieved rather than upset. I think that says it all really.

Original poster
toots321 · 11/09/2016 10:30

In the week when he woke from a night shift he would call straight away and I felt like I had to arrange for him to come over. Because life is busy I really don't like putting a time on things and it made me feel anxious as he was waiting for me to say. If I didn't he would comment the next day like I set my alarm early and you didn't say pop down so I wait by my phone thinking shall I go back to sleep or is she going to ask me over. He knew my every move so knew when I was home or not. I would try to get on but he would follow me around. Some nights I would be so exhausted I'd fall asleep at 9pm and he'd wake me saying are you falling asleep on me or comment the next day are you going to fall asleep on me again. Sometimes I'd sit somewhere else and he'd say do I smell!
So yes I understand how you felt, like you are suffocating. I feel anxious just typing it. Sorry for waffling on..... there is so much more but i wont bore you with it! It's nice to hear other stories and to hear it's ok to feel this way without guilt.
I did say on Thursday it's ok to change my mind.
Everyone has helped me so so much this weekend I have felt like I could just do what I wanted this weekend without answering to anyone. Maybe I'm meant to be single Smile

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 11/09/2016 11:18

Not necessarily single, just with someone who gives as well as takes. Why would you deserve any less? Smile

CookieDoughKid · 11/09/2016 11:27

I think you are not at the right stage in your life to have this additional burden responsibility. I broke off a relationship with a man who had 4 children and one severely disabled. He was earning over £150k a year but was always so skint since he had to pay for full maintenance and X2 properties one for his ex and kids. He was hard working and his children lovely but really it was no fun when all 4 was at mine and we couldn't afford to go out.

I broke it and I look back and think it was a lucky enough escape. The right man will come along and it won't be such a big effort. It takes more than love to make it work.

SandyY2K · 11/09/2016 11:58

Toots

You're just a very nice sweet person and he's capitalising on your good nature. He sees a better life with you because of what you bring to the table.

The question is what does he bring to the table? Not much by the sound of things.

Views may differ, but I would never set up home with a man who would effectively reduce my standard of living.

Aim higher, because you're truly worth better.

If you're DDs are going to have a father figure in the house, make it someone who is a good role model and has ambition.