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Original poster

new guy and his 3 children.....

170 replies

toots321 · 03/09/2016 23:07

I was a single parent for 6 years before meeting someone. I went back to college and then onto do a degree whilst working and doing voluntary work. Being a single mum has been the hardest job ever!! Sooooo I have met a guy (who lives at home due to his relationship break down) who has 3 children all under the age of 8 (all lovely) who he has every weekend. My life is bonkers. Work/study/exams and 3 children myself without support from my ex. My week is full of school run/pack lunch/dance class/swimming lessons/cooking/cleaning/working/gardening/assignments/uni/and sleep! I seriously have no time to shave my arm pits (seriously not that hairy)
Anyway.....I have no clue why I'm posting. I just feel a bit annoyed. New guy works nights so he visits and eats tea at ours. On weekends he doesn't ask but kids do. Everyone comes to me....6 girls - all go - no peace - messy house. I'm forever cleaning anyway so you can imagine after a weekend full of kids 🙈
He has absolutely no intention of getting his own place! I can't help but feel a bit peed off! I actually dread weekends. I don't enjoy it. I feel like I'm being a cow but I find it all go with my own. We don't go out as he has his girls every week. His ex doesn't work and has a child free weekend every weekend. I just feel a little deflated and in desperate need of a little tlc!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 10:11

So you are providing childcare, housing and meals for three extra kids in a 'blended family' that you never wanted, discussed or agreed to, and you are wondering who is being unreasonable? You're being a mug and he is being - very - pragmatic and unfair in taking grotesque advantage of you. He may not be able to afford his own place, but that is no reason for him to be taking you for a ride.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 10:14

Where does he actually live, with his parents? What bills does he have?

24k and £300 a month going out would still leave him with £1,000 a month after maintenance. I'm not saying he wouldn't struggle, I'm sure he would (not that that is your problem), but many people manage on that or less than that and have their kids all week. And he pays you no rent and only 'contributes' to food for his OWN kids when they are in his care, so where does his money go?

pinkyredrose · 04/09/2016 10:17

Why exactly is he bringing his kids to your place? How did it start? Sounds like he just wants to have another woman to feed him, shag him and look after his kids. Of course he's nice to you, you're giving him everything he wants.

hotdiggedy · 04/09/2016 10:45

So how long has he been living with his parents? Assuming they aren't charging him the earth he should have been able to save a good few hundred pounds easily a month every month unless he has loads of debts. More than enough to pay for a whole round of shopping if he is eating at your regularly with his children and certainly enough to pay for a few days out - how much does a trip to the park with pizza/fish and chips/ice cream cost?

Really dont see whats so exciting about him. He may be quiet and 'nice' but he isn't really doing much for you. If I were you, and you want to keep seeing him then keep it to occasional times. tell him you are busy at the weekends now with your study. Tell him the children might start after school classes or whatever. Maybe invite him over once a week to eat before he goes to work and meet up every other weekend if you want to somewhere. If he cant be bothered to go half on activities/gets bored when he isnt able to just drop round and have a free day at yours then that will tell you something.

Would you not prefer to just have a baby sitter and go out on an evening with him sometimes?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 04/09/2016 11:03

I don't enjoy it

In the kindest way, there's your answer.

You've fallen into a rut for company rather than not having a boyfriend and that's causing you a hell of a lot of work and expense that you don't need. He's using you.

Cary2012 · 04/09/2016 14:43

Are you putting up with this because you don't think anyone else would want to take on your three kids? If so, you're wrong.

You deserve better, but you have to make changes, because he certainly won't, he really has fallen on his feet.

You cannot afford to feed him every night, plus his kids every weekend. Even if you could, you shouldn't. And if he respected you he wouldn't do this.

Don't make excuses about the weekends, tell him it needs to change. You'll soon know by his reaction how he really feels.

He should be taking you out, wanting quality time with you, not unpaid cook and childcare.

If he comes round to tea during the week, tell him to bring a takeaway with him once a week. See what he thinks of that.

Mix56 · 04/09/2016 14:59

Christ. You don't love him, you don't like the pressure of him & his Dcs, you lie to avoid him, you pay everything for both him & his Dcs. You never go out, You are exhausted & haven't got a minute in your day....he is still living at home because its cheap...
What exactly does he bring to the party? You say if you ask he will do something, like what? ccok? wash up? pay his share? take all the kids out so you can study?
Please tell him, "I'm sorry this isn't working for me" when you grow up, have a house, & can afford a girlfriend, call me

Hillfarmer · 04/09/2016 15:47

You are asking how to stop feeling resentful and miserable about 'having' to put up with his children all weekend, every single weekend. Say 'No.'

He has zero respect for you. There is no-one on this board who would 'enjoy' this situation. Don't put up with it! As for Mix says, 'This isn't working for me,' should suffice perfectly.

Enjoy your own children. You are wasting precious time you could be enjoying with them. This does not make you a bad person!

BlueFolly · 04/09/2016 17:32

He wants the future to be together. The way it should be I suppose.

Er, only if you want it too. You seem to feel that you owe this guy a relationship and are somehow wrong to not enjoy being used as an unpaid children's entertainer/housekeeper.

I wouldn't like it either.

It's is perfectly reasonable to say that you think he is a good guy, but the relationship isn't what you're looking for at the minute.

He will be gutted of course, because at the moment he can pretend in his own head that he isn't living with his mum and dad.

debbs77 · 04/09/2016 21:34

This will end up with him living with you, his girls every weekend, and you paying for everything.

Believe me! Just got out of that one!

SandyY2K · 04/09/2016 22:31

I'd be busy every weekend or just end it or ask for some space. Tell him you've a lot going on right now and you want a break for a couple of months. He can take thst how he wishes, but I doubt it will be a big loss if he wants to split permanently when you say that.

6 kids every weekend would drive me mental if they weren't my own. This guy would only be a liability to you.

I don't really see what you're getting from the relationship. He has no ambition or desire to get his own place and I think you can do better than him honestly.

Don't set up home with him

Original poster
toots321 · 04/09/2016 22:49

Thankyou all for your advice.
Reading this makes me feel better (also a bit of a pushover) as I felt mean thinking it.
He has lived at home almost 3 years.
He doesn't have tea every night. I am going to stop it I think. Im mad at myself now! Also weekends are too much and I will tell him I have to study.
Please tell me if I'm being a cow..... I can never see myself moving in with him as he has his kids every weekend. I just couldn't do it permanently. Is that a reasonable thing to say to him? Why I ask is because he would be taking on my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
toots321 · 04/09/2016 22:50

Ps so sorry if I haven't answered all questions....

OP posts:
MissMogwi · 04/09/2016 22:54

I can't see what you're getting from this relationship.

It sounds like a bloody nightmare. Your life, although busy, sounds on plan and positive, but this bloke is taking from you in all ways and giving little back.

I'd finish it. He's taking the piss.

Helloitsmeeeee · 04/09/2016 22:54

That would be my idea of hell. Six kids and cleaning all weekend! No thanks.

It doesn't even sound as if you like him particularly. I can't see what you are getting out of it.

MissMogwi · 04/09/2016 22:59

The nice relaxed times you had with your own DC over the summer-that could be every weekend. Think of that when you talk to him.

I was a single parent and student, it's hard work, but so worth it. Don't let this freeloader drag you down.

Original poster
toots321 · 04/09/2016 23:00

I like him hes a nice guy. He's got a good heart. He's a great dad. He would do anything for us. My family like him.
I will have a break from it all and see what happens. Not sure when I will see him then though.

OP posts:
Original poster
toots321 · 04/09/2016 23:01

Thankyou everyone for your advice and support. Seriously needed it. I felt like I was going bonkers keeping it all in!

OP posts:
Helloitsmeeeee · 04/09/2016 23:02

Oh ok but I think you need a bit more than like to put up with this situation.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 04/09/2016 23:08

Hi Toots. I feel for you, it's easy to fall into a pattern and to go along with what he wants if it's the only way you get to see him.

My DP also has his DCs every weekend and in the beginning they would all come round for most of the weekend, it was so stressful as he's very laid back and I'd end up supervising activities with all the DCs while he had a nap or played on his iPad!

I put a stop to it and now we spend time all together maybe once a month or less. I see him in the week when he doesn't have his DCs and we both get some time on our own with our DCs at the weekend. It's a good balance and like you, I can't see us living together until the DCs are all grown up. If it's any consolation in a few years when the DCs are a bit more grown up, they will have their own social life and won't want to spend every weekend with their dad.

Original poster
toots321 · 04/09/2016 23:15

Thankyou FeedMe Smile
That's the thing it has fallen into that pattern. I'm definitely going to put an end to it. I knew I had to I just wanted to post for a little support.
Glad it's worked out for you guys.
Do I tell him how I feel about not wanting to live together or just not mention it. It's just at the beginning when we first got together I mentioned I'd like to live with someone eventually. I have completely changed my mind.

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 04/09/2016 23:29

Say this Tell him you've a lot going on right now and you want a break for a couple of months. He can take thst how he wishes, but I doubt it will be a big loss if he wants to split permanently when you say that.

You have every right just to say you want to take a break for a bit. Don't bother saying you've changed your mind about living with him, as that's only hypothetical at the moment. Deal with the situation you have now. And say whatever you have to say...which is that you 'need some space' to concentrate on your studies and your children etc. That doesn't seem unreasonable.

Good luck OP. You need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps on this one.

Original poster
toots321 · 04/09/2016 23:32

Ok, thankyou.
Yes I shall say this!

OP posts:
FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 04/09/2016 23:32

If it comes up in conversation then yes, I see no reason why you can't tell him that you enjoy having a bit of time to yourselves and that it makes the time together all the more special. I actually really look forward to Sunday nights when DP comes round after a few days apart. By Wednesday I'm craving a bit of down time.

We talk about the future and I do tell him that I'm sad that we won't get to live together, but we don't want the upheaval for our DCs apart from anything - they have their school and friends, so moving would be hard on them - but he also understands that I'm not ready for a houseful every weekend.

Original poster
toots321 · 04/09/2016 23:35

Ok thankyou
I'm definitely going to have a chat to him over the next day or so.

OP posts: