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Original poster

Brassneck? Flowergirl needed, answer me this...

179 replies

marybrian · 01/09/2016 07:10

We're getting married and we have a modest budget. We decided to have one bridesmaid only from each side to keep costs down and keep it fair and simple. My fiance's niece has accepted the role on his side, she's about 10 and we're delighted. On my side the only children are step-relatives. I asked the parents of one lovely girl we see often (also 10) if she'd like to be our bridesmaid/flowergirl & make up a 'matching pair' ( I stupidly thought the two girls could enjoy each others company for the day). Well the girl on my side, her parents said to me it was 'unreasonable' that I ask only one of their dds (the other is 4). That I take them both or have nothing at all! Shock How can other people be so rude as to dictate like this? I think they're being totally unreasonable. I had no choice but to withdraw my offer saying we only had a budget for one child from each side and that we'd have to regretfully withdraw our offer as we couldn't fulfill their wishes and we've now asked someone else instead. Tell me you agree with me?

OP posts:
HanYOLO · 01/09/2016 12:43

Lol summer - same could be levelled at me.

LyndaNotLinda · 01/09/2016 12:48

Of course you can ask one and not the other. How ridiculous to think you can't. YANBU OP - this whole 'the older child can't do something if the younger child can't too' schtick is absurd.

Gazelda · 01/09/2016 12:49

I'm honestly surprised at the number of posters who agree with the parents.
When I was growing up, I was honoured to be asked to be bridesmaid to a cousin, my younger sis wasn't. A few years later, sis was bridesmaid but I wasn't.
It was an honour to be asked, and we understood the bride had loads to choose from so couldn't have everyone.
We were both BM to each other.
Although I guess the fact that we have quite a large 'blended' family helped as that gave quite a few bridesmaid opportunities.
I still fell quite smug though that I wore a beautiful floaty chiffon number as a bridesmaid, yet my sis had to wear a brown floral frock (it was the 70s!) Grin

Titflaps · 01/09/2016 12:52

Oh I think I'd feel a bit sad for the 4yo who hadn't been asked too, to be honest. I get your point and its your wedding but I would personally feel I was being a bit mean to the little girl whose sister was chosen but she wasn't Sad

NoFuchsGiven · 01/09/2016 13:00

I am also very surprised at the posters agreeing with the parents.

gamerchick · 01/09/2016 13:18

*Today 10:24 SharkBastard

Would appear there are going to be a LOT of very disappointed adults later in life who are unable to react in a healthy way to not getting what they want. The parents are unreasonable, and spoilt*

Indeed and I'm sure there are schools, unis and employers out there who could point those parents out when dealing with the product of that parenting. Kids need to know they aren't the centre of the universe before it becomes ingrained.

WhisperingLoudly · 01/09/2016 13:38

So, your 4 year old has to do everything your 10 year old does? Is your 10 year old only allowed to do stuff her little sister can do?

Of course not but if my (then) 4 year old was upset because she couldn't it's not because she's fucking entitled it's because she was 4 years old Hmm

Of course the OP, and indeed any bride, can do whatever they wish but inviting one sister to be a BM seems obviously (and unkindly) divisive.

In my opinion weddings are celebratory family events not stage managed productions. and like all things in life involve a certain amount of compromise. It would be important to me that my guests were happy, felt welcomed and were accommodated but I appreciate that is not every brides priority.

TikTakTok · 01/09/2016 13:44

YANBU at all. It was rude of them to comment as they did. If they wanted to decline then they could have done without the snarky comment

Minniemagoo · 01/09/2016 13:44

We've had weddings where either one DD has been flower girl (God daughter) or both (nieces), we've even had a wedding where one was flower girl and we left the other 2 DCs at home (shock horror).
We did this because it was the B&Gs wedding not ours and we love them and wanted them to have the day they wanted.

Surprisingly no one has suffered trauma as a result of not being in wedding party or not going.
Op, YANBU.

Evergreen17 · 01/09/2016 14:07

Unreasonable. Plus she is 4, she will forget in a week.

I think that lots of parents get this wrong. It is important to learn that your sister or brother get to do something you cant and you can be happy for them.

I hate the everything the same to all approach.

RockinHippy · 01/09/2016 14:11

it's not because she's fucking entitled it's because she was 4 years old 

Sorry, but my own DM took that attitude with my younger DB - sadly he grew up to be a self entitled narcissistic arse as a result.

It might seem like the fair thing to do & of course a 4y/o isn't a self entitled brat, but a typical 4y/o but IME both with DB & elsewhere, this really isn't a good life lesson for a 4y/yo or otherwise

NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 14:25

I hate the everything the same to all approach.

Where do you draw the line though? For example, I used to work with a chap whose sister deeply resented him because their parents had sent him to private school but hadn't had the money to send her. Should she have just been happy that her brother had had the opportunity? Or was she entitled to feel resentful that her parents hadn't split their resources between the two of them?

I'm not being goady - and I do understand that fair doesn't always mean exactly equal, or always the same. I just think it can be quite a balancing act between treating them as individuals and respecting that they are a family unit.

Original poster
marybrian · 01/09/2016 14:39

We specifically decided on only one from each side to try & limit the wedding madness. If I have two from one side, there are others I suspect will start flapping & then the whole thing starts to gets out of hand. I was particularly fond of the girl who was turned down & we now have her cousin instead. Whatever we do someone will be left out.

OP posts:
Inertia · 01/09/2016 14:44

Why bother with bridesmaids at all, if it's an expense you struggle with and there are no obvious relatives that either of you are especially close to ? You are not obliged to have any.

FrancisCrawford · 01/09/2016 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinkerbec · 01/09/2016 17:03

I once offered to take my friends daughter ,age 7, to the pantomime with my seven year old.

She said no as her 11 year old brother would be left out and it wasn't worth the hassle.

She wasn't rude. But I thought it was a bit strange.

I guess I can understand it but if it was me. I think siblings should have some different experiences but can understand being the parent having to deal with the upset child.

NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 17:14

Tinkerbec I agree with you on that one. It wouldn't cross my mind to decline a kind invitation like the panto on the grounds that little sister wasn't invited. I think the difference, though, is that the one not invited can simply do something else. They wouldn't be taken to the panto but made to sit outside and not be allowed to watch or have an ice cream, if you see what I mean. I think the bridesmaid thing is a bit different because it's bound to involve a lot of time where one isn't included but just has to tag along and sit quietly and watch....but not join in.

hollyisalovelyname · 01/09/2016 17:19

I only had one of a pair of siblings as one of my flower girls.
To this day I regret it.
What was I thinking ?

Tinkerbec · 01/09/2016 17:43

Natalia yes I see what you mean as presumably the four year old would be at the wedding watching her sister and the whole procession.

Trifleorbust · 01/09/2016 17:58

And the same thing will happen many times in her life, as it will happen to the other sibling. I'm not telling anyone how to parent - totally up to you - but I do feel it makes a rod for your own back to make such a fuss about kids having exactly the same all the time.

hollyisalovelyname · 01/09/2016 18:04

The older girl was left at home.
If I could turn back time.

JasperDamerel · 01/09/2016 18:24

The pantomime makes sense if the parents wanted both children to see it. If one had already been, then either one child would see it twice or the family would have to find a babysitter to look after one child while the rest went off to the theatre.

thebear1 · 01/09/2016 18:39

The loser here is the older child whose parents have denied her an opportunity due to their concerns about the youngest dd.

Trifleorbust · 01/09/2016 18:44

When I was about 8 or 9, my two older sisters had a chance to go on a week long activity holiday with a church group. I wasn't old enough to go. They went and I was heartbroken and, as you can see, am still not completely over it Smile

But I'm a plonker. Of course it was right for them to go.

NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 18:48

Trifle But surely the correct analogy here is - you weren't old enough to go. But to had to go along, sit on the coach for hours and then sit on the sidelines watching your sisters join in the fun activities while you were told to keep quiet and not spoil everyone else's fun because it wasn't all about you.

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