Brassneck? Flowergirl needed, answer me this...

[marybrian]

We're getting married and we have a modest budget. We decided to have one bridesmaid only from each side to keep costs down and keep it fair and simple. My fiance's niece has accepted the role on his side, she's about 10 and we're delighted. On my side the only children are step-relatives. I asked the parents of one lovely girl we see often (also 10) if she'd like to be our bridesmaid/flowergirl & make up a 'matching pair' ( I stupidly thought the two girls could enjoy each others company for the day). Well the girl on my side, her parents said to me it was 'unreasonable' that I ask only one of their dds (the other is 4). That I take them both or have nothing at all! How can other people be so rude as to dictate like this? I think they're being totally unreasonable. I had no choice but to withdraw my offer saying we only had a budget for one child from each side and that we'd have to regretfully withdraw our offer as we couldn't fulfill their wishes and we've now asked someone else instead. Tell me you agree with me?

[Trifleorbust]

I had to go to loads of things I wasn't participating in, like school plays, shopping trips to spend their birthday money where I didn't get anything, sports activities they did and I didn't. Etc. It's just par for the families.

[Trifleorbust]

• the course with

[NataliaOsipova]

...and mine do the same with all the things you mention - I agree, it's because we are a family and families do those things together. But that's why I think it's a bit mean to ask one sister and not the other to be a bridesmaid - because they are a family. If that makes any sort of sense to anyone except me?!

[Trifleorbust]

They are a family, but they are also individuals. It is not at all realistic to expect people to always be able to give them the exact same treatment, or to want to, so by following this route you would just limit opportunities for both of them.

[Ginslinger]

I'm just here to second anyone who talked about parents bringing up entitled children. One of the hardest, but best thing a parent can do is prepare their child for disappointment and that life isn't always fair.

[NataliaOsipova]

I take - and accept - the point, but weddings are inherently family occasions, aren't they? I think I'll just have to agree to differ with some people on here. I suppose, ultimately, I think that the relationship that they have as sisters is "for life" and so I'll prioritise that over other things that are maybe more important to others. As I say, though, I strongly suspect my older DD simply wouldn't want to do something like that without her sister in any case.

[Trifleorbust]

Of course they're family occasions, but there is no barrier to that in one sibling being a bridesmaid and the other not. My relationship with my sisters, by the way, was immeasurably enhanced by my mum making sure I accepted that everyone has a chance to be at the front of the queue sometimes, instead of letting us squabble about minutiae.

[Tinkerbec]

The family I asked to the panto had a 1 year old. They were not going to go to the panto.

I just asked as our daughters are the same age.
I understood it though.

[chocolatemuppet]

Crazy. Assuming the girls have a good home and are well cared for, then in afraid "that's life". I'm sure the 4 year old will get things the older girl doesn't. Jeez there are way worse things in life - I'm just reading Malala's story - life could be REALLY unfair!

We can't expect everyone to feel about our children the way we do. The 4 yr old needs to realise that her sister may sometimes get things we first, and vice Versa.

[chocolatemuppet]

*we first should be 'she doesn't' stupid phone

[OlennasWimple]

If they had a 10yo and a 9yo, I might sort of see their point. But having a 4yo flower girl is a completely different proposition, and YANBU to not want that

[Tinkerbec]

Actually yea agree with that. Such a huge difference in their ages. The four year old may get bored standing around.

Looking at my daughter who is 8 now explaining hiw to rescue turtles and her three year old cousin screaming at paw patrol and having a paddy. Worlds apart at that age.
I mean do they go to bed at the same time ? What about when she is at secondry school next year and wants to go out with mates or have friends sleep over. Will the four year old sleep in with them?

[YouMakeMyDreams]

The pantomime I can kind of see although wouldn't do it myself. It's expensive to go to the pantomime and they may not be in a position to pay for the family to go so feel it's unfair.
The spending birthday money and school plays as well. They are different as well because they are something that all the children get to do. They all get a turn at spending birthday money because they all have birthdays. They all get to watch each other in school plays because they all will get a turn at doing a play. Sports events. I'm guessing that it's unlikely to be the case that all children don't get the chance to participate in a sport if they want to. You wouldn't be dragged along to watch a single line playing football while being told you weren't allowed to play football or any sport you choose.
Thus is telling the other child they can't play football but you have to watch your sibling doing it. The younger Dd may never get a chance to be a bridesmaid.

[nolongersurprised]

I have 3 daughters, one of them is 4. The 4 year old wants to do everything the bigger two do but sometimes she can't. We've had scenarios like this, she wants to do something, we say she can't, she makes a loud fuss and then moves on.

OP those parents were entitled and and will be bringing up entitled children.

[TheStoic]

It's a shame they're willing to disappoint their 10yo in order to not disappoint their 4yo.

I wonder if that is the general dynamic of the family.

[LellyMcKelly]

That is outrageous. It's your wedding - your choice. I can't believe they were so entitled as to think they could even ask for another child to be a bridesmaid. And how dare they try to hold you to ransom by trying to make you have both when you clearly only wanted one. It's not their wedding - it's yours. You get to choose, not them.

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

There's a thread in AIBU at the moment where one child (4) has been asked to be a flowergirl and her twin sister wasn't.

Every response I've read so far has ignored the question the OP has actually asked and asked her why she agreed to only one child being a flowergirl in the first place

Lelly do you not agree that it is an invitation that the parents can either accept or decline? Or do you think the brides wants overrule everyone else on their wedding day?

[LellyMcKelly]

I think the bride has the right to ask whoever she wants to be her bridesmaid, and to refuse to have bridesmaids that she doesn't want imposed upon her.

[fastdaytears]

Yes, and then the parents have the right to accept the offer or not. They decided not to accept.

[BadToTheBone]

I'm the youngest of two girls and I remember my sister doing all sorts of things I didn't, it didn't bother me in the slightest. I got things she didn't, it all balanced out in the end. YANBU

[FRETGNIKCUF]

I think it's awful to ask one sister and leave out the four year old. I think you're thoughtless to want a "matching pair" over upsetting a little girl.

Yy siblings are different, yy life is tough but being a bridesmaid (what the fuck is a flower girl, do we now use it in the UK )

I think you sound a bit bridezilla to be honest. Fancy not even caring about the upset of the little girl??

[FRETGNIKCUF]

The parents are offended not entitled.

I was NEVER a bridesmaid and it would have made my life at four.

I was also not invited to my cousins wedding because I was a child, neither was my sister, we were four and one years younger, respectively. I was so hurt, we spent our childhoods together.

So weddings are not like anything else they are WEDDINGS.

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

Lelly yes of course the bride has the right to ask who she wishes, but you didn't answer the question I asked. Do you not agree that the parents have the right to decline?

Or do you think everyone should just do what they are told so as not to upet the bride?

[exLtEveDallas]

DD (11) has a good friend the same age. A number of times we have invited friend to join us at an activity/day out but been told "no, unless 7 year old brother can go as well". It's irritating. There are a thousand and one things these girls would like to do without him, but they can't, because "it's not fair"

She too missed out on being a bridesmaid a couple of years ago because her brother wasn't a page boy - the same year that DD was a flowergirl surrounded by adult bridesmaids and had a whale of a time!

I feel sorry for the older kids missing out because God Forbid the younger golden child doesn't have the same experiences.

[FRETGNIKCUF]

The bride asked the ten year old so she matched the other bridesmaid, not because she loves her, likes her, spends time with her.

Christ on a bike.