Brassneck? Flowergirl needed, answer me this...

[marybrian]

We're getting married and we have a modest budget. We decided to have one bridesmaid only from each side to keep costs down and keep it fair and simple. My fiance's niece has accepted the role on his side, she's about 10 and we're delighted. On my side the only children are step-relatives. I asked the parents of one lovely girl we see often (also 10) if she'd like to be our bridesmaid/flowergirl & make up a 'matching pair' ( I stupidly thought the two girls could enjoy each others company for the day). Well the girl on my side, her parents said to me it was 'unreasonable' that I ask only one of their dds (the other is 4). That I take them both or have nothing at all! How can other people be so rude as to dictate like this? I think they're being totally unreasonable. I had no choice but to withdraw my offer saying we only had a budget for one child from each side and that we'd have to regretfully withdraw our offer as we couldn't fulfill their wishes and we've now asked someone else instead. Tell me you agree with me?

[Inertia]

I can see the parents POV to be honest - they didn't phrase it very politely, but being a bridesmaid is often a big deal to four year olds, and i can imagine a 4yo being upset at not joining her sister as a flower girl.

I agree that it's your wedding, your decision, your budget, but children are not props.

[ladymariner]

Having just read your other thread, are these parents related to your mother?

[Trifleorbust]

Inertia, how was the OP treating them as props? She made a nice offer to one child because she wants one flower girl from each side of the family. Now she has been turned down, she is asking someone else. What is the big deal?

[CannotEvenDeal]

Fuck sake are we raising a generation of entitled kids who don't understand that some kids get stuff and others don't get the same stuff and that's life?

This x 100

[titchy]

How much do flower girls cost? I'd have had both - £20 in a pretty dress is pretty much all you'd have had to pay so it's not like you've saved a significant amount. Having said that I don't think either of you were unreasonable tbh.

[olives106]

I'd have both, surely the parents know their daughters and know the younger one will be upset at not being asked.

As others have said, you don't need an expensive matching bridesmaid's dress for her, just something pretty and frilly in a similar colour or even in white. Get her to carry a basket and walk in front of the procession if she's bold enough and it'll look lovely. You could even tell the parents of your budgetary issues and ask them if they wouldn't mind buying the dress, which I'm sure you could get for under £20.

[MrsBertBibby]

4 year old wannabe bridesmaids generally get their way. My elder sister at that age, passed over for the job, just availed herself of the bride's train and followed her around holding it up. Hilarious pics (at the reception, I assume she was restrained until then!)

[Notso]

I can understand as a parent why you might think oh bloody hell this is going to cause problems and maybe decide it's not worth the hassle. Especially if there's history of the four year old being left out.
There are ways and means of doing things though and I think saying it's one or none was rude.

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

I don't know.

My daughter has only been asked to be a flowergirl/bridesmaid once. We have a tiny family and I don't have many friends. I know some people whose children have been bridesmaids 3, 4 or even 5 times!

In my case, I wouldn't have wanted one child to do it and not the other because it really was a "once in a lifetime" type experience.

If there was another wedding coming up in a few months and they were both being asked by different aunts/uncles/cousins/etc, then I probably wouldn't have an issue with it.

I know that when my daughter was 4, she was very interested in weddings and brides and the dress and flowers... she would have been really upset if her older sibling had done it and not her. And she wouldn't have understood. She was 4. It's not so much the telling her, but the parents might have anticipated upset on the day itself. We don't know the child!

I don't normally indulge, but for something as non crucial, but important to them, as this, I probably would.

[Whisperingloudly]

I'd feel the same as the parents but perhaps not worded it so rudely.

I have girls who were 4 & 10 together - the 4 year old would have been devastated if she'd not been BM and her big sister was.

That has nothing to do with "entitlement" bollocks MN descriptor de jour and everything to do with her being a totally normal 4 year old

[Trifleorbust]

She doesn't WANT three flower girls, FFS. Why should she have both? Just ask someone else.

And a decent flower girl dress isn't £20, including shoes, flowers and hair grips. If you have a particular look in mind for your wedding, you're not going to double your budget just because someone can't bear to tell their 4 year old that they aren't the bridesmaid this time.

[applesvpears]

God.. Seriously ??!! Why should s 4 year old rule her wedding decisions? You are not being unreasonable and imo they are setting a bad example to their kids. So the other DD loses out? What if they are invited to kids parties, do they both have to go or no one does??

Shocked at people's views on this.

[Effiewhaursmabaffies]

I worry about stuff like this too. I have 2 dds very close in age and this would be a nightmare situation. It might be uncomfortable for the parents to explain to a 4 year old that they are not one of the flower girls, but how on earth do you explain to a 10 year old that they cant be one because their sister isnt one. That is really crap for the oldest and is much more likely to cause friction between the siblings.

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

This wedding sounds like it's going to be stressful for you in more ways than one. I think YANBU, you explained your budget and a wish to keep it simple.
Enjoy your day.

[YouMakeMyDreams]

There are plenty of things I say no to my dc about. They go to parties without each other. they go to friends houses where they may have a mutual friend without each other, school trips all sorts of things. If I'd been asked the same thing I'd probably have winced inwardly and let the older Dd do it. It doesn't mean I wouldn't have botched a bit to dh about it. It doesn't mean I'd not feel a bit sad for my younger child not getting to do it and feeling disappointed.
There are millions of times in a child's life where we get to teach that lesson but I can see why this one smarts a bit. You have the initial disappointment of the child to deal with. Fair enough behind closed doors but then you have the possibility of having to deal with it on the wedding gift day too while the younger child watches the older child prance about in a fancy dress. That is not the time to be dealing with that life lesson so maybe saying no is the easiest option. 4 year olds aren't logical creatures when emotions get high so while I can still day the family were rude I can totally see why. This is one of those only on mn things. Irl very fee people wouldn't roll their eyes at something like this. And it's really not the same as a school trip. There is every chance that child will get their own school trip at some point. Or their own mobile phone at an age appropriate time. This is something good that may not be repeated and the fall out is one of those things that could just keep giving.

[JasperDamerel]

I think that it was perfectly reasonable for you to ask only one sister to be a flower girl, and also perfectly reasonable for her parents to decline the offer if her sister couldn't be included. In my experience, 4-6 is peak bridesmaid fantasy age, and it is fairly likely that the greatest levels of household happiness would be brought about by having neither girl be a bridesmaid.

You were able to find someone else, so it shouldn't be a big deal once everyone's had a bit of time to accept that other people don't give their wedding/children quite the same importance in their lives as they do themselves.

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

I don't see why people are getting so het up about this!

The OP issued an invitation. It was declined. The OP re-issued the invitation to someone else. They accepted. The end.

[SoupDragon]

That has nothing to do with "entitlement" bollocks MN descriptor de jour and everything to do with her being a totally normal 4 year old

So, your 4 year old has to do everything your 10 year old does? Is your 10 year old only allowed to do stuff her little sister can do?

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

it shouldn't be a big deal once everyone's had a bit of time to accept that other people don't give their wedding/children quite the same importance in their lives as they do themselves

Exactly!

[VioletBam]

I'm afraid that 4 year olds DO notice when they're not involved and my younger DD would be very hurt indeed.

So I wouldn't let only one DD do the job, no.

[VioletBam]

Soup being a bridesmaid is not the same as going on all the same trips or having the same toys or shoes or whatever. It's a really big thing to a child....it's important and special.

[Trifleorbust]

Violet: That's your call, but would you tell someone else they were 'unreasonable' for only asking one of them?

[SoupDragon]

you don't need an expensive matching bridesmaid's dress for her

No they don't. Mostly because they aren't having her or her sister.

[TheNaze73]

Absolutely staggered by their response. It's going to be the poor girl that misses out.
Good luck op