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Original poster

Brassneck? Flowergirl needed, answer me this...

179 replies

marybrian · 01/09/2016 07:10

We're getting married and we have a modest budget. We decided to have one bridesmaid only from each side to keep costs down and keep it fair and simple. My fiance's niece has accepted the role on his side, she's about 10 and we're delighted. On my side the only children are step-relatives. I asked the parents of one lovely girl we see often (also 10) if she'd like to be our bridesmaid/flowergirl & make up a 'matching pair' ( I stupidly thought the two girls could enjoy each others company for the day). Well the girl on my side, her parents said to me it was 'unreasonable' that I ask only one of their dds (the other is 4). That I take them both or have nothing at all! Shock How can other people be so rude as to dictate like this? I think they're being totally unreasonable. I had no choice but to withdraw my offer saying we only had a budget for one child from each side and that we'd have to regretfully withdraw our offer as we couldn't fulfill their wishes and we've now asked someone else instead. Tell me you agree with me?

OP posts:
AngelsWithSilverWings · 01/09/2016 08:39

My Aunt did this to me when I was 12 She only wanted my 10 year old sister. I was so so hurt. She had also asked all of her other nieces and it was just me , the eldest ,who was excluded.

In the end my Mum spoke to my Aunt and discovered it was because she had got a job lot of bridesmaids dresses which were classed as seconds and none of them would fit a 12 year old. She didn't think I would mind.

What was even more upsetting was that one of the bridesmaids was very very overweight so she had a different dress made especially for her!

My Mum said she couldn't have one of us as a bridesmaid without the other and in the end managed to buy one of these dresses and make it longer by adding more material and lace trim to the hem.

If I had two daughters I would also say both or neither.

BBQsAreSooooOverrated · 01/09/2016 08:41

I have 2 dds, only 1 of them was asked to be a bridesmaid at my relatives wedding but we just accepted that, it's not our wedding.

expatinscotland · 01/09/2016 08:42

What Soupy said. Had no idea people were so ridiculously precious. Jesus wept. 'It's both or nothing.' 'Well, that's a pity X won't be able to be part of the wedding then.'

Catsize · 01/09/2016 08:43

Reminds me of the time when my mum's best friend had 12 bridesmaids and a few pageboys - I kid you not. My brothers were pageboys, I wasn't a bridesmaid. I thought my golden opportunity arrived when one of the girls was very very late and would not be there until the evening. Her dress (in my size) hung on the door but still I wasn't asked. I could only conclude, at 12, that I was too ugly for the photos.

In this case though OP, Yanbu.

Don't be surprised if they do what my SIL did - she dressed her daughters as bridesmaids for a family wedding when only her son was a pageboy.

NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 08:44

I'm with you Violet. Something like that is incredibly hard on a 4 year old. At 4,They are at the age where they are old enough to understand that it's a huge treat and a special thing. They are old enough to covet the dress and the excitement. They will have to sit through a whole day feeling confused and upset about being excluded.....when, really, they aren't old enough to understand the not your turn/you and your sister are separate people/it's Mary's wedding and what she wants is what matters today arguments. Fair enough of the OP to ask, but I think fair enough that the parents of the little girls took the stance that they did.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 08:46

Your wedding, your decision

Confused It is, but it's also the parents decision to accept/decline.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 01/09/2016 08:47

Here's one for you all, DS was a page boy when he was 3, DD aged 5 wasn't even invited to the wedding, and you know what it was fine, OP is not thoughtless, she has a budget and an idea of what she wants, it's her day not anyone else's.

CastleFeck · 01/09/2016 08:47

You have every right to do as you please, but after having a 4yoDD I can see the parents point of view. Having to explain this to a 4yo numerous times over any months and the resulting drama would drive me bonkers.

blushrush · 01/09/2016 08:48

Give me strength, are we really suggesting that a 4 year old is going to have lasting psychological damage because they didn't get to be a flowergirl/bridesmaid?

She was still going to be at the wedding, she could still have worn a pretty dress and sparkly shoes, and danced and played with all the other children (who also weren't bridesmaids!)

My nephew is four - we attended a wedding where his cousins were flowergirls but he wasn't part of the wedding party. Do you think he cared one jot? Nope! Because he got to wear his best clothes and played with his cousins anyway.

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all. Some people just need to learn that their children are not delicate little bubbles of mental trauma waiting to burst as soon as they don't get their way.

FrancisCrawford · 01/09/2016 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SemiNormal · 01/09/2016 08:54

4yr olds clearly ruling the roost in some homes then? How do you all deal with it if one sibling is invited to a class birthday party and other sibling is not? do they never attend? do both siblings have the same sets of rules to avoid upsetting a 4 yr old? same bed times? same restrictions on playing out etc?

Inertia · 01/09/2016 08:56

It's not a case of lifelong psychological trauma - the parents probably just don't want to have to deal with upset that can easily be avoided.

The OP just wanted matchy-matchy bridesmaids, she isn't actually that fussed who they are, so it isn't a problem if this particular 10yo isn't a bridesmaid.

NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 08:59

My aunt (now well into her 70s) had a little sister who was very ill as a little girl with something which, back in the day, nearly killed her. Her sister was in hospital for a long time. On the day she came home, my aunt remembered walking into the "parlour" and seeing this enormous doll. She can describe how amazing it was and how she'd never seen anything like it to this day. And she was still fighting back tears (admittedly after a few glasses of wine!) as she remembered seeing the label, which was just for her sister. (She is, by the way, the least "entitled" (to use the much loved MN patois!) adult you will ever meet). She had thought it would be for both of them....and still remembers that hurt 70 years later. And just that. She doesn't say "wasn't that awful that it wasn't about me?". She just remembers that feeling of utter disappointment and feeling left out.

I agree with another poster who said it's like taking one of them to Disneyland and leaving the other one behind. Little girls of 4 are fascinated by weddings, long dresses etc. I'd think it seemed a bit cruel to leave her out and make her watch her sister go to buy a dress, have the dress fitted, get ready for the day, be there as the bridesmaid all day etc etc.

blushrush · 01/09/2016 09:04

But Inertia, it doesn't sound like upset has been avoided at all. What about the 10 year old? Won't she be upset that her chance at being bridesmaid has effectively been ruined because her little sister might throw a tantrum?

NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 09:06

SemiNormal do you have two girls? I think you misunderstand the dynamic, at least in our house. Mine are very close. They play together very nicely (most of the time!) and feel very much like a "unit". They share things. When we took them out separately for the whole day a few weeks ago, they both got antsy about 6pm because they hadn't seen each other all day. So no, in answer to your question, obviously they go to separate parties very happily.....but on the flip side, if one has a friend over to play, then the other would (happily) join in. So no - the little one doesn't "rule the roost", but I doubt her older sister would actually want to do something without her like that if she knew that she would be upset by it and, in any case, she would much prefer that they could do it together.

SemiNormal · 01/09/2016 09:13

NataliaOsipova - No I don't have 2 girls. You say they feel very much like a 'unit' and that's lovely but what about individuality? Is the age difference between your two 6yrs too? Surely at some point the older sibling is going to be spending more and more time out of the house with friends and the younger one won't always be able to go along? As a child my older brother often got to do things that I didn't due to age difference - I wouldn't throw a tantrum or be upset, I'd just wish the time would hurry up so that I would be allowed to stay up later/play out later etc, I was told 'no' and knew better than to whine about it (knowing that it would make no difference anyway - no was always no in our house).

NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 09:18

SemiNormal in fairness - no - my two are much closer in age, so I can accept that does make a difference. Mine are very much individuals - they have different interests and often do things separately - but in a family context, I doubt either would be happy to be a bridesmaid if the other one was "left out", if you see what I mean. But I take your point that it might feel different to a 10 year old with a 4 year old sister.

Liiinoo · 01/09/2016 09:21

YANBU.
My 7 yo DD was a bridesmaid for a close friend. Her 4 yo sister wasn't asked. We were thrilled that DD1 was asked. It didn't occur to us that DD2 Should have been asked too. On the day there may have been a little bit of envy on DD2s part, but she had a lovely new dress to wear too, we all made a big fuss of her and it passed very quickly.

YouMakeMyDreams · 01/09/2016 09:33

But things like bedtime and playing out are things that will come to the younger child in time. You deal with the tantrum because that is a battle you have picked to have. Because it is picking your battles. As parents we don't compromise on safety. We wouldn't let our children play in the road so we deal with the fall out. We might not have the battle about whether or not the child wears wellies and a tutu to the supermarket today because the argument it causes isn't worth it.
Again the parents were rude about it yes. But they chose not to have this battle and that was as much up to them as it was up to the op who she had as bridesmaid.
I had non walking niece as a flower girl. Sil asked if she could be. Yeah possibly a bit rude of her but at the end of the day it affected me not a jot. So I chose not to have that battle.

BabboshkaKate · 01/09/2016 09:44

NataliaOsipova

Sorry but that story about the doll is ridiculous.

RepentAtLeisure · 01/09/2016 09:52

Being in someone's wedding is not a group activity. My Dsis and I were never bridesmaids together, and no-one ever even mentioned that it may have been problematic. But then we grew up in the 80s... I think it's a shame the older girl had to miss out because of her parents.

Inertia · 01/09/2016 10:10

Blush we don't know whether the 10 year old was ever told about it.

I know that my children at age 10 would have been able to rationalise why their 4 yo sister would be upset at being left out, and accept that as parents we could come up with an alternative, non-wedding activity which would include both of them. And at 10, neither would be heartbroken about not being a bridesmaid.

They were bridesmaids (together) at/around age 4, and at that age is was a big deal to them- a shared experience that brought them closer to the bride. I know it's not the bride's responsibility to provide those experiences for other people's children- her wedding, she can choose who she wants.

I'm not one of those people that think all must have presents on one person's birthday. But for a once-in-a-lifetime event, it's entirely up to the parents to decide whether the bride's reasons for her choice are important enough to risk an impact on their children.

blushrush · 01/09/2016 10:17

I guess that's the crux of the matter - what kind of children these are. Some may be able to rationalise, some will not.

But going to back to OP's first post, it is her wedding and if the parents don't want one of their children being left out, it's down to them. They could have been a bit less rude about it.

Personally, I still think stuff like "risk an impact on their children" is a bit much, but that's only my opinion. I guess I just grew up thinking that life isn't always fair and you don't always get your own way, but that doesn't mean you will never get anything special for your own.

SharkBastard · 01/09/2016 10:24

Would appear there are going to be a LOT of very disappointed adults later in life who are unable to react in a healthy way to not getting what they want. The parents are unreasonable, and spoilt

Feilin · 01/09/2016 10:38

It's really not ok to ask one and not the other. For years as kids my little sister was asked to be bridesmaid/flower girl for different family members . I never was and it HURT every single time. I'm glad the parents said both or not at all.