Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brassneck? Flowergirl needed, answer me this...

179 replies

marybrian · 01/09/2016 07:10

We're getting married and we have a modest budget. We decided to have one bridesmaid only from each side to keep costs down and keep it fair and simple. My fiance's niece has accepted the role on his side, she's about 10 and we're delighted. On my side the only children are step-relatives. I asked the parents of one lovely girl we see often (also 10) if she'd like to be our bridesmaid/flowergirl & make up a 'matching pair' ( I stupidly thought the two girls could enjoy each others company for the day). Well the girl on my side, her parents said to me it was 'unreasonable' that I ask only one of their dds (the other is 4). That I take them both or have nothing at all! Shock How can other people be so rude as to dictate like this? I think they're being totally unreasonable. I had no choice but to withdraw my offer saying we only had a budget for one child from each side and that we'd have to regretfully withdraw our offer as we couldn't fulfill their wishes and we've now asked someone else instead. Tell me you agree with me?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 10:39

babboshkaKate You may think so, but it is true. And she obviously understands now - and did at the time - that her sister was ill and that was the reason why. I'm just saying that it's worth being aware that things can have a much greater impact on children than we would think as adults. I'm not saying that children should always be pandered to - far from it - sometimes it's a good lesson that you don't always get what you want. But it is worth trying to put yourself in their shoes from time to time when thinking about things. And - at least in my opinion - big sister being a bridesmaid while you are not - would be one of those times!

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 11:15

I don't think that a single decision made by the parents when the child is 4 is going to mean they are a spoilt adult.

It is quite amusing that people think not being a bridesmaid when they are 4 won't have an impact in one direction, but will in the other.

Bottom line is, we don't know the children. If the 4 year old is one who is likely to be upset, they have not only got to process the facts when they are told, but live them through the wedding day. When they see their sister being bridesmaid.

Maybe she'll get upset at the service, when the parents will be expected to keep her quiet.

Maybe she'll get upset when the older sister is having extra photos taken and having a fuss made of her because she's a bridesmaid.

It's easy to say, "well she just needs to be told" but weddings are stressful, long days with young children at the best of times, when you know a lot of money has been spent, and everyone has ridiculously high expectations of everyone else and their conduct/behaviour.

OP already has a thread about her mum's friend (who she barely knows) stropping off about not being invited.

This is not a stress free situation.

The parents of the child probably just don't want to be part of any problem on the day. Don't want to spend time and money going to a wedding where they're going to have to manage the disappointment and upset of a 4 year old who is already going to be overwhelmed by everything that is going on around them. Don't want the job of keeping them quiet during the service, and the meal and all the boring bits when the photos are taken and the transition between service and reception, which are all pretty tedious for anyone there who isn't actually getting married or close family, and probably just thought, "do you know what, for an easy life..."

Rather than just saying, "no", they told you why. We don't know what OP's response was but it prompted the parents to say that it was unreasonable to ask one and not the other.

It was all ended and she asked someone else.

No. Problem.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 11:17

Exactly, Natalia

SemiNormal · 01/09/2016 11:21

I think it's a shame the older girl had to miss out because of her parents. - lets hope the 10yr old can rationalise it and realise that it IS because of her parents and she doesn't end up resenting her younger sister for the fact she is not allowed to do certain things for fear of upsetting the younger one.

blushrush · 01/09/2016 11:32

TheLastRoseofSummer I don't think the parents of the child have said they're not attending the wedding at all, I think they just said that either both girls are flowergirls/BMs, or neither of them are.

I think they're still going to the wedding, unless I've read that wrong, so they'll still have all the jobs you mentioned in your post.

NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 11:33

But, honestly, if I think about it, I don't think my older DD would want to do it if her sister was left out. There'd be many conversations along the lines of "Can't you ask the bride if sister can do it too?", but if the answer came back as no, then I honestly think she'd say she'd rather not. Maybe that's the case here as well. Depends on the individual family.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 11:35

No, I realised when i read it back after posting that it wasn't clear, what I meant to say was that weddings with a young child are stressful enough as it is, keeping them quiet when they're supposed to be and the like.

The parents probably just didn't want to add an extra layer of hassle to what is already going to be an emotionally exhausting day.

blushrush · 01/09/2016 11:45

Ah, fair enough. I suppose this is just one of those threads that is going to be a mixed bag because everyone's children are different and everyone's own experiences of childhood were different.

NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 11:47

I agree LastRose. Plus - my experience of being a bridesmaid (although I was a bit older than 10) involved endless weekends of dress fittings, hours on the day having my hair done etc etc. So it's not just a question of placating a 4 year old for a few hours on one day. It's quite a time commitment for the whole family - which, as LastRose says, they may not want to make if one DD is excluded and feels unhappy about it. It's maybe just too much for all concerned.

Inertia · 01/09/2016 11:49

Exactly LastRose- the parents are not deliberately creating some kind of 4 year old tyrant, they are just trying to avoid any chance of an entirely avoidable situation becoming awkward.

Children do need to learn that life isn't always fair, but the parents have probably come to the conclusion that someone else's wedding isn't the time for that lesson.

RockinHippy · 01/09/2016 11:52

The 4 year old would be fine unless everyone made a huge fuss.

THIS^^

Bloody ridiculous that they even question it, in doing do, they raise self entitled brats

You absolutely did the right thing

FrancisCrawford · 01/09/2016 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 11:53

blush yes, absolutely.

Natalia exactly re the extra fittings etc, but I agree, I don't think many older sisters would want to do it if the younger one wasn't asked too. They tend to be very loyal, in my experience.

Balletgirlmum · 01/09/2016 11:57

I think it would be an issue if the siblings were closer in age & if I had two daughters I would say either one or both if they were say aged 8 & 10.

But a 4 year old is too young. I wouldn't have wanted any children younger than about 6 as my bridesmaids.

HanYOLO · 01/09/2016 11:57

Sorry IMO parents ridiculous. It is only going to be awkward or impact on the 4 year old if the parents don't have the skills or can't be bothered to manage it and her expectations with care.

4 year old can have a floofy dress and her hair done with her mum and a lovely time at the wedding and feel special enough. She will not be excluded, just that something special is happening for her sister, who has been invited because of her particular relationship with the bride, and is at an age to understand that it is an honour. I think it is a much nicer invitation than a blanket can we have all your daughters for decoration approach. And in the OPs case could trigger a snowball effect and she could end up with 16 little bridesmaids and a couple of grand poorer.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 12:04

Children do need to learn that life isn't always fair, but the parents have probably come to the conclusion that someone else's wedding isn't the time for that lesson

And that is probably the bottom line of the whole thing and kind of ties up the whole debate!

If the four year old is going to be so stressful at a wedding, then why on earth would the parents want her to be a bridesmaid, knowing she's going to cause hassle? Much better to keep her close by them where they can control her behaviour.

Because a 4 year old at a wedding gets bored. Weddings are, frankly, boring. I as an adult have been bored on many an occasion at a wedding. Bits of them are lovely, but the rest is boring. So 4 year olds need entertaining and refocusing. That's just a given.

Because a 4 year old at a wedding who has an Important Job is made enough of a fuss of for the boring bits to largely include them. They don't need entertaining because they are Special and Important and have a role/job to do and anyone who knows anything about 4 year olds knows that 4 year olds are their most compliant/manageable/well behaved when they are Being Useful.

Because a 4 year old at a wedding who is not only bored but is also having to sit and watch their sister have Important Jobs and receive lots of fuss and attention, not only has to manage the feeling of boredom, but also the emotion of jealously and being left out and sadness, which is difficult for a lot of adults, let alone a 4 year old. And anyone who knows anything about 4 year olds will know that they are not able to adequately articulate these feelings, let alone understand or rationalise them, or manage them. It is around the age of 4 that we ask of children that they begin to recognise and manage these feelings. It would be unreasonable of an adult to expect a 4 year old to have mastered it.

There are plenty of opportunities to teach children these lessons. As Inertia says though, the parents probably felt that someone else's wedding day isn't the time or the place. And they are right.

MoreCoffeeNow · 01/09/2016 12:10

Because a 4 year old at a wedding who is not only bored but is also having to sit and watch their sister have Important Jobs and receive lots of fuss and attention, not only has to manage the feeling of boredom, but also the emotion of jealously and being left out and sadness, which is difficult for a lot of adults, let alone a 4 year old.And anyone who knows anything about 4 year olds will know that they are not able to adequately articulate these feelings, let alone understand or rationalise them, or manage them. It is around the age of 4 that we ask of children that they begin to recognise and manage these feelings. It would be unreasonable of an adult to expect a 4 year old to have mastered it.

I was the 4 year old not chosen and I know for a fact I behaved very well. As well as my parents telling me I've seen photos. I was taught how to behave and that it isn't always about me. My parents explained that DSis was older and that's why she was chosen. I'm pretty sure I was fine with that because that's the sort of DCs we were. Individuals. Sometimes one did something, sometimes the other. No big deal. Just bought up to accept the world didn't revolve around us.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 12:12

I think, from reading some of the responses on here, that some people haven't spent a lot of time with a variety of 4 year olds.

Some are very placid and just take things as they come and some are quite the opposite and haven't yet learnt how to manage those feelings.

The parents will know their child best.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 12:16

Coffee but are you the 4 year old who has been left out on this occasion?

My son, as a 4 year old, wouldn't have given two hoots. My daughter would have been really upset. They are different people, with different personalities and react and respond differently to the same situation.

Some children, at 4, will completely understand that it is not all about them and might not feel disappointment or really care all that much. But many wouldn't.

Anyway, as I said far too many hours ago now, it isn't a problem.

The OP invited the older child to be a flowergirl. She didn't issue a directive. The parents declined, and gave a reason why. And she invited someone else.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 12:17

I'm pretty sure I was fine with that because that's the sort of DCs we were

Exactly. Maybe the children mentioned in the op are a different sort of child/ren.

HanYOLO · 01/09/2016 12:18

Because the focus of this wedding shouldn't be a four year old step-niece's role within it, even for their parents.

I suspect though it's probably less to do with the four year olds feelings (because that would be silly) than some kind of background huff/sense of self-importance on the part of the parents.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 12:21

But the focus isn't the 4 year old. How are they the focus? People are allowed to turn down an invitation for any reason they choose.

HanYOLO · 01/09/2016 12:27

I think you're a bit over invested here, possibly Summer.

The parents have made their daughters role the focus of their decision-making about the wedding and it's sad for their older child, and disappointing for the bride, who has behaved perfectly reasonably. Or it may be an excuse, possibly the 10 year old didn't even want to do it.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 12:34

Nah, not over invested, just not got a lot on and having a lazy morning!

fastdaytears · 01/09/2016 12:39

I would have been the 10 year old refusing to do it without my sister, and I would have politely declined if I were the parent because I think some "unfairness" is fine but this is too big a deal in a 4 year old mind.

I wouldn't have told the OP that she was unreasonable though, that is rude.

OP, glad you found someone else.