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Original poster

Brassneck? Flowergirl needed, answer me this...

179 replies

marybrian · 01/09/2016 07:10

We're getting married and we have a modest budget. We decided to have one bridesmaid only from each side to keep costs down and keep it fair and simple. My fiance's niece has accepted the role on his side, she's about 10 and we're delighted. On my side the only children are step-relatives. I asked the parents of one lovely girl we see often (also 10) if she'd like to be our bridesmaid/flowergirl & make up a 'matching pair' ( I stupidly thought the two girls could enjoy each others company for the day). Well the girl on my side, her parents said to me it was 'unreasonable' that I ask only one of their dds (the other is 4). That I take them both or have nothing at all! Shock How can other people be so rude as to dictate like this? I think they're being totally unreasonable. I had no choice but to withdraw my offer saying we only had a budget for one child from each side and that we'd have to regretfully withdraw our offer as we couldn't fulfill their wishes and we've now asked someone else instead. Tell me you agree with me?

OP posts:
VioletBam · 01/09/2016 08:11

I remember when my cousin got married and my little cousin who was the same age as me...7....was asked to be bridesmaid and I wasn't. I was SO hurt. I was genuinely expecting to be asked...it's weird not to ask both sisters. I'd buy the dresses as a parent anyway!

SoupDragon · 01/09/2016 08:12

Soup being a bridesmaid is not the same as going on all the same trips or having the same toys or shoes or whatever. It's a really big thing to a child....it's important and special.

It is exactly the same, just further along the scale.

VioletBam · 01/09/2016 08:13

No it's not comparable. Being a bridesmaid is an honour and something a child sees as a really special thing.

BabboshkaKate · 01/09/2016 08:15

I was devastated when my cousins were bridesmaids and I wasn't. Then the next day I forgot about it and moved on with my life. Kids are far more resistant than you think and I think the resentment caused to the 10 year old is doing more damage than an upset 4 year old would have done. I imagine this isn't the first time she's been sidelined or stopped from doing something because the little sister threatened to throw a tantrum Hmm

I hope you have a lovely wedding OP and try not to dwell on this ridiculous situation.

SoupDragon · 01/09/2016 08:15

Regardless, it is one thing to politely turn down an invitation, quite another to say it is 'unreasonable' that I ask only one of their dds (the other is 4). That I take them both or have nothing at all!

That demonstrates a huge sense of entitlement.

Trifleorbust · 01/09/2016 08:15

The dresses aren't the issue. The OP doesn't want a big group of flower-girls. It's her wedding, she gets to invite who she wants. The other woman gets to decline.

applesvpears · 01/09/2016 08:15

'Being important and special' all this comments about it being such a big deal to the child are so OTT. Even if this is the case, surely it is your job as parents to explain that their sister is getting to do this, isn't that wonderful to see your sister looking so beautiful? Oh and you will likely get a chance in the future too, won't that be amazing?
We should be teaching them to accept other people's good fortune not turning them in to spoils brats..

applesvpears · 01/09/2016 08:16

Sorry for the many typos

PansOnFire · 01/09/2016 08:16

The responses on here are pathetic. Seriously, the OP has to have both girls or neither because the 4yo would feel left out???? No wonder the world is full of spoilt children and adults who can't understand why they can't have everything they want. Surely, you ask one child and the other is placated for the day? And what Effie said.

I can only assume that the majority of people on this thread do the whole 'double birthday presents' routine too. There's being fair and then there's teaching children that they can have what they want. Children should be taught to deal with these kinds of situations so they can function as mature adults when the time comes, not taught that someone will always make sure they have everything they want and that feeling left out is to be avoided at all costs. It doesn't promote a healthy mind or sense of perspective or security.

OP, stick to your plan - one child from each side. If they're willing to make the 10yo miss out then that's their issue.

SoupDragon · 01/09/2016 08:17

No it's not comparable. Being a bridesmaid is an honour and something a child sees as a really special thing.

Well, I don't agree and the parents have been exceptionally rude and entitled.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 08:17

would you tell someone else they were 'unreasonable' for only asking one of them?

It would depend on the entire conversation, which we don't have.

Astrophe · 01/09/2016 08:19

My brother and SIL did this - asked DD age 6, plus my niece age 5, but not my other DD age 4 (or my other DD age 11, but that felt OK as she's quite a bit older, whereas my two DDs and their cousin are quite a case little group of 3).

We were buying the dresses, shoes etc ourselves- I would assume this is always the case?

DD -age 4 was quite sad. I did say casually to SIL that if they wanted her but were worried she was too little/immature, I was sure she would be fine and would behave appropriately, but didn't push it. It is their day after all, and up to them in the end.

The day was fine in the end. I bought my little DD a pretty new dress (different from the flower girl dresses), and in the end she had a lovely time, caught up in the excitement, and wasn't sad on the day.

Trifleorbust · 01/09/2016 08:19

True, but based on what we do have...?

SoupDragon · 01/09/2016 08:19

Spot the difference:

"I'm really sorry but we'll have to decline because littleBianca will be so disappointed and it's easier for us if Doris isn't bridesmaid"

"Don't be so unreasonable. You Take them both or none at all."

Trifleorbust · 01/09/2016 08:20

We bought the dresses and accessories for our wedding. I think it's quite rude to ask the parents to pay Shock

PansOnFire · 01/09/2016 08:20

Ha Violet you sound like an absolute nightmare! I remember a thread on AIBU once about a SIL who went to great lengths to find out the colour of BM dresses and then dressed her DDs in the same colour because they weren't asked to be bridesmaids...

shovetheholly · 01/09/2016 08:21

Of course it's unreasonable!

I was flowergirl at one wedding, my sister at another. It's part of growing up to realise that you can't be the centre of attention all the time.

I would send a message back saying 'Thanks for your offer, I appreciate your position. It's a shame that X can't participate this time, but I'm sure your girls will get lots of offers- they're so cute. I hope you enjoy the wedding, and we'll just go with the one flower girl (we're trying to stay in budget, but it's tough!)'.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 08:22

You know, I get issued with invitations all the time (well, not all the time...) that I have to turn down for one reason or another.

Sometimes the invite-er might think, "fair enough" and sometimes the invite-er might think, "that's ridiculous".

But do you know what? People are allowed to turn down invitations, and give reasons why, without being, or being called, "rude" and "entitled"!

I don't see why one person's desire for a particular aesthetic on their wedding day should trump another person's choices regarding their children.

As I said earlier: Invitation issued. Invitation declined. Invitation re-issued to someone else. Invitation accepted. There is no problem!

It's not like the mum had been thinking about it and came to this conclusion 2 weeks before the wedding when the 4 year old was upset. This is such a non issue!

LadyPenelope68 · 01/09/2016 08:22

Totally your choice just to ask one of them, they were very rude with their response. This really annoys me this whole you have to ask both thing. They are individuals, they don't have to do the same things.

Crispsheets · 01/09/2016 08:25

More bridal angst and a good reason to elopeGrin
Op stick to your guns. If a parent can't deal with a 4 year olds "fallout", they are pretty poor parents.

NotPennysBoat · 01/09/2016 08:25

I would never dream of voicing it, but I too think it's unfair on the 4yo. She will definitely realise that her dsis has been favoured. If it's a cost thing, could you explain to the parents and ask them to go halves on the dresses?

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 08:27

There is no bridal angst! FFS . This is a completely unnecessary thread! A non problem has been resolved. The End.

BurnTheBlackSuit · 01/09/2016 08:35

I'm a parent whose children do different things, get different things and certainly no double birthday presents. I can deal with tantrums and "it's not fair"'s. BUT I was a bridesmaid once as a child aged five with my sister and despite not being at all girly, dress liking, it is a magical highlight of my childhood. I can understand why the parents said no to only one child. I can easily imagine the hurt and upset I'd feel if my sister had been a bridesmaid and I never got that opportunity. Some children don't get asked every other week.

It's not like one child getting a toy and the other one not. To a four year old, it's the equivalent of her sister getting to go to Disneyland and her not.

mouldycheesefan · 01/09/2016 08:37

I can see why four year old would be absolutely gutted and in the position of her parents I wouldn't accept for the ten year old.
Also I dont think bridesmaids need to be a "matching pair".
They were rude, you were thoughtless.
Is all sorted now though.

Aprofessional · 01/09/2016 08:38

They are being totally ridiculous. My uncle who is also my godfather and his wife who is my godmother, didn't come to our wedding as I wouldn't have my cousin as flowergirl. Your wedding, your decision.

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