don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

[Dannii6]

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place :(

He's very nice and has told me to really think everything through.
If he was a violent abuser it wouldn't have taken him 10 years to show it.
Do you think he's right

No.

He hasn't taken ten years to show it, he's shown it twice before. The rapid escalation is a bad thing. People without experience of dv will minimise this, you have survivors here telling you what you need to do. Listen to them.
Please stop telling him your plans, it makes him more dangerous. He has created a dynamic in your relationship that cannot be undone, and even if he could control himself for a short time, it would still unravel. You do not put the life of someone you love at risk. He did that. He could have left your dc motherless. How long until they are teenagers, pushing his buttons, and getting the same treatment that you did?
I survived dv, and an abusive parent. I would never, ever stay in your position. Mine escalated much more slowly, I was only 20 and had a baby. No internet to get advice, no family support & no money. I got out, it wasn't easy, but I am so glad I did. Then he was suicidal, poor him after all. He's still breathing 16 years down the line.
He went on to abuse his next partner. She is now a friend of mine, and divorced from him.
This is rambly and jumbled but please op, stay strong. Don't engage with him. Don't tell him anything. Speak to a solicitor and women's aid

I have not read through every answer so sorry if this has already been said. Your problem will be is that even if he never does anything ever again you will always remember this and that is going to be hard to live with.

I do not think your colleague is right at all!!! He, and your friend, are very foolish and don't seem to know what they are talking about. Listen to the advice on here, especially to those who have been there. And try to read a copy of Lundy Bancroft 'Why Do They Do That' - I can't recommend this book highly enough. Hold on, I'll find the link.... You are being amazing btw xxx

www.lundybancroft.com - deets of the book will be on his site, with loads of other info too xxx

Dannii, please listen to everyone sweetheart, we only have your best interests at heart.
Your husband will not change.
Your children need their Mother, that means that you have to stay safe.
You are unsafe with this man.
Do not marry him under any circumstances, your life will be hell.
Be strong 💐💐💐

I think your colleague is right in so far that this is something to think through. But you have thought it through. Somebody who puts that hands around your neck and batters your head with an implement is a violent abuser. Unless he was rescuing his child or something, I'm not sure how else you could describe him.

OP my dad didn't hit my mum until I was 9 and it escalated very quickly from throwing her about to him threatening her with metal pole with only my brother coming between them which made him stop. I remember when they separated and him banging on the door until she opened it and when she did he knocked her out.

Your colleague is wrong, so wrong! If he wants to change and get help he shouldn't do it to save the relationship he should do it because there is something wrong with him.

Of course your colleague is wrong! Did he get the full story - the one where he had his hands round your neck?

And in ten years he has abused you more than just that once, hasn't he?

He is escalating his violence, that's what. Next time, when this is brushed under that carpet and you are 'past' it, he will do it again, but maybe worse. Because, well, "you didn't mind so much last time, did you? Otherwise you would not still be with me!" (That has been quoted before on the relationships board, by a beaten wife)

Chilling, isn't it? You try to put it behind you, do your best to forgive and move forward, expecting him to also put the work in. Instead he is just taking it for granted that he has the right to hit, punch, strangle you if he likes, and you will put up with it. Because you are still with him!

OP - you can and should ask him to leave/stay away while you sort your head out. He can stay away and work on his 'issues' away from you.

IF you feel then, that he is sorry/never happen again/you trust him THEN maybe you can get back together. I'm talking months here, but HE should be the one putting the work in, not pressurising, cajoling, bullying, threatening or manipulating you.

If, in 6 months, you feel better about him, he is genuinely sorry and remorseful (by actions, not words) then consider taking him back.

If not, then DON'T.

What's there to think through?

I think along the lines of "coming to terms with". If a complete stranger throttled me and beat me around my head I would be so stunned with the level of violence and injury it would take me days to accept it happened, let alone start to process it.

If it was someone I'd known for years, it would be even more to process.

If it was someone I had loved and been loved by for years, someone I had shared a thousand tender moments and dreams with, it would be huge to process.

What we can see on the outside needs to be an instant action against further harm might be more fuzzy if you're inside the situation. Especially if fuckwits we actually know and trust are encouraging us to maintain the status quo

Because, well, "you didn't mind so much last time, did you? Otherwise you would not still be with me!"

Even if they don't say it, that is the logic

Your male colleague is naive.

Thing is OP whoever you speak to will have a different perspective and nobody knows what it feels like unless they have been through similar so really the advice you are receiving from friends is irrelevant.

If I was you I'd want a guarantee about my safety, he is not giving you that, in fact he's doing nada to address why he did it and seek help, I can't reiterate enough how abnormal and dangerous his actions were.

Poor you going to work with his handy work on show to everyone, awful.

If he was a violent abuser it wouldn't have taken him 10 years to show it. Do you think he's right.

Hmm, OK, so what if he is not a violent abuser.

Let's say something new went wrong in his head that night when he tried to strangle you. Never ever happened before, totally out of character in 10 years, (those other incidents don't really count). That's pretty serious shit to come out of the blue. If I were him I'd be down the GP clinic like a shot, maybe even A&E, panicking that I have a brain tumour or something. I'd be doing everything in my power to find out exactly what the fuck happened to me that night.

I would not be putting myself anywhere near the person I tried to strangle. I would not allow myself to be left anywhere near my children alone. I'd be terrified that whatever weird shit happened in my brain that one time might happen again. I'd be seeking answers, while protecting others from myself.

He isn't doing any of that is he? Why not?

The problem is, he has shown it before now. And abuse doesn't reduce, it escalates over time. That's why he's never shown this level of violence before - but it doesn't mean that he isn't "this violent" by nature. The problem with abuse is that you actually can't categorise an abuser by their level of violence. They all start small and they all get more violent over time. The time scale will of course vary and it might be that you're lucky and the deadly level of violence is so slow to arrive that it never comes before the relationship ends or he dies himself. But your husband has already displayed potentially deadly levels of violence. It only gets worse, remember, so that is extremely risky in terms of staying together.

It will happen again - maybe in two weeks, maybe in twenty years, but it will be worse when it does, and there's no way of telling how much worse, because these patterns are not predictable. What is predictable is that it will repeat and it will escalate.

Your male colleague is extremely unlikely to have been a victim of abuse and although I am certain his advice comes from a caring, reassuring place, it is unfortunately misinformed.

Let's imagine he never tried to choke you and we look at the two previous, although not life threatening, a push and a slap are both still domestic violence and show a fundamental lack of respect for you, I mean, he doesn't go round assaulting anyone else does he. He does it because he wants to and can, please do not base your marriage on this history and do not marry him.

I'd say to him - the very fact that you think I should ignore this and stay with you after such a dreadfully violent attack makes you a dangerous man because you don't think it's serious enough to end the relationship.

There is no excuse for what he's done. Full stop.
Why did you go out with someone you had cheated with though?

I mean, I hate to admit it, but if my partner thought it was okay to go out with someone they had cheated on me with, I would go fucking crazy! If a man had posted he did this and his wife hit him, I think there would be more understanding. I'm really not saying violence is acceptable though.

She says she didn't go out with the guy.

No I didn't go out with the guy. He was in the same bar and I went to leave and a friend seen him leave at the same time so walked with me.

Nothing gives anyone the right to strangle and assault another person.

Oh I missed that, sorry. I did make it clear that violence is not acceptable regardless of the circumstances.

I think the 10 years is a red herring actually. Abusers often start showing their true colours (eg
controlling behaviour, violence) when they think they've established ownership of you - either by having a child together or marriage.

I've been reading about murderers charmingly known as 'family anihilators' recently and probably am reading far too much into you your story, but in my head I'm screaming 'RUN' at you so hard my ears are ringing.

Your colleague is an idiot
Please log this with police
You and your children are at risk.

You said in your other thread:

"I feel as though if I'd just given him my passcode this would have all been avoided" but you don't know that. You don't know if NOT finding something would have had him accusing you of deleting it to hide it. It most likely wouldn't have helped anything.

"Apparently he knew what he was doing and it was all just to scare me. Well it bloody worked!!!" So he didn't immediately apologise and show remorse... doesn't this tell you a lot as well? You went on to say " Afterwards when I said he could've killed me with the choking that's what he said. He said he knew he wouldn't have and he was trying to scare me into giving him the passcode" so when you did something he didn't like, he cut off your oxygen supply in order to get what he wanted

"When he hit me with controller he said it was retaliation because I threw it at his aquarium" So he assaulted you not in self defense, but because you did something he didn't like.

You keep saying this is a "one off" and you know, SO MANY stories start off that same way. 

Even IF you HAD have gone out with this particular guy (and again, you've been clear he just happened to be leaving the same place at the same time) that still does not excuse him trying to <span class="underline">kill</span> you, because cutting off your oxygen supply could very easily have had that effect, leaving your children with no mother, and a father in jail for murder.

He keeps minimising it. I'm sure if he really is remorseful he's actually horrified that he almost killed you. I understand being embarrassed that he almost killed the woman he is supposed to be marrying in a couple of weeks, but all those emotions are about HIM. Nothing he's said is about what he's done to the children, what he's done to you. 

His reaction needed to be an IMMEDIATE "OMG, what have I done?!" and it wasn't. The "moment of madness" had passed and he was still validating what he did and why. He was still excusing himself.