don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

[Dannii6]

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place :(

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

You need to get him out of your life for your kids sake, even if you are not prepared to do this for yourself. Sounds like he has chipped away at your self esteem which is why you feel so confused, the only remedy to that is to get him out of your life. Report the abuse for a start, do not protect him. Go to the bank and get a card for yourself, I bet you're better with money than he would have you believe. Contact women's aid, they are amazing.

[NerrSnerr]

You have a responsibility to your children. What if they witness it next time? What if he attacks them? I really think you need to speak to the police, you need to make sure it's reported as it is likely they'll do it again.

[SandyY2K]

You can also open your own account and have money going there.

● Do yourself a monthly budget.
● Note income and expenditure.
● Don't spend without ensuring the essentials are taken care of

Set up direct debits where necessary.

No matter how much he cries and begs, do not marry him.

[hotdiggedy]

Well, I have no idea what to full story is of course but if you cheated on him before and then again went out for your birthday with that same person it perhaps sounds like your heart wasn't fully into the marriage idea anyway.

How did he react 5 years ago? Has he ever done anything else threatening? Doesn't have to just be violence.

I would say that you need to somehow gain access to the saving account, even if just by ringing the bank and going through security questions to get details of what is in the account or going into the bank physically.

Depending on what you earn you may be eligible for tax credits and housing benefit but then getting place to rent with Housing Benefit can be very difficult depending on where you are in the country.

Have a look online and see what it would cost to rent somewhere and if you think your wages would cover it. Or put vague rent costs here and income and perhaps we can help you to figure something out.

[gamerchick]

There is a way to untangle yourself from him, start at the beginning and baby steps.

Strangling is mega serious and you could die, would your kids care about their schools then? I had an ex who strangled me and I didn't feel scared, I carried on seeing him until I dumped him after he tried to throw me over the top of a staircase. I still didn't feel scared but later on in life when he tried to friend me on Facebook my reaction was physical.

Life is precious, splitting with someone is a ball ache but not impossible.

[Dannii6]

No I didn't go out with the guy. He was in the same bar and I went to leave and a friend seen him leave at the same time so walked with me. He stopped to take a phone call. I didn't wait because well I was drunk and I watched the other guy get into a taxi and I got into a separate one and went home.
Turns out the phone call was from my dp asking where I was because I hadn't answers my phone. The 'friend' turned around and seen we had both gone and mentioned the other guy was there and dp assumed we'd gone home together.
Sorry if that doesn't make sense. The whole situation is confusing.
I got home and he snatched my phone and demanded my passcode. I refused to give it to him because I was so angry and that's why what happened happened

[hotdiggedy]

So you hadnt actually gone out with this person, you just happened to be in the same place at the same time.

[Dannii6]

I've tried ringing citizens advice but I'm always like 20th in the queue and I've got a mobile so don't want to wait that long.
I've hair opened my own bank account online aswell and will ring payroll to change my pay details shortly as well as transfer my bills such as my car insurance etc.
It's just trying to work out what to do about housing now and applying for benefits as my salary isn't enough to support us on solely.

[Dannii6]

Yes hotdiggedy. I haven't seen or spoken to that man in 5 years

[BastardGoDarkly]

You've got no choice, you have to leave, he could so easily have killed you love.

[Ilovewineandcrisps]

Has he been violent before?

[WilLiAmHerschel]

Danni I was on your other thread. Glad to see you've started one here. I know there is a lot to do and it must be overwhelming. I hope the responses you've seen here show you just how serious this is.

I don't think citizens advice bureau are the right people fr you to call. I do think you should speak to women's aid. I think you are downplaying the seriousness of what has happened here but it is a big deal and you would not be wasting anyone's time by speaking to WA.

[Chocolate123]

He tried to choke you. Next time it might me more than tried. Get out now for your kids sake and your own. I know it's tough but it has to be better than staying.

[Dannii6]

No he's never been physically violent before. We've had blazing rows before and I've thought he was going to do something but those have happened only a handful of times in 10 years. He's pushed me once onto the bed and threw a rolled up towel at me. That's it.
That's why I'm reluctant to phone women's aid. There's women who experience terrible violence every day who need that service more than me.

[category12]

Those low level things like pushing you have escalated rather fast though - to strangling you. That's really serious.

And there is no excuse for strangling you, even if you slept with a million blokes.

[LauraMipsum]

Pushing you and throwing things at you IS being physically violent.

You don't have to wait until he hospitalises you before Women's Aid take you seriously. The idea is that they can help you before it gets that bad.

[MidnightPixie3]

I was at college with someone. That someone is now in Strangeways serving a very long sentence for murdering his partner and mother of his daughter. He was jealous and controlling of her and one day he physically assaulted her. Then he did it again and again. Eventually she stood up to him but by now the accusations were so serious he was looking at a prison sentence. He was going to prison anyway so to stop her from testifying against him he stalked her and murdered her.

You are right - other people suffer more than you every day but their suffering started with 1 attack that probably wasn't as great as they suffer now. You mustn't underestimate what has happened to you and you mustn't allow it to escalate. That is why you need to act now.

[mummytime]

Phone Women's Aid!!!
You are a pretty bad case. Sorry but trying to choke you is extremely serious, it a lot of ways far worse than someone who has a few bruises regularily - he could have killed you.
You should photography any marks, and ideally telephone the police.

It is that bad.

[SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies]

' There's women who experience terrible violence every day who need that service more than me '.

Lovely, strangling someone you 'supposedly' love, or strangling anyone at all IS terrible violence.

Listen to the good advice you've been given, and please act upon it. ...... once you're dead, there's no coming back to change your mind, and thinking that you will leave after all. It just doesn't work like that.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but so is a child being left without its mother.

Please take the best of care.

[smilingeyes11]

You do need to phone Women's Aid and you need to tell the police too. Do you want this violent man round your children in the future? If not for yourself you need to report him to protect them. A man who tries to strangle a woman is a very dangerous one. The police will take this very seriously indeed.

[Dannii6]

I tried ringing womans aid but it was busy so have left a voicemail. He's just been here to pick up the kids as he's taking them out with his sister. I know he is not a danger to the kids. With my all my heart I know he isn't.
He was begging me saying he was sorry and it would never ever happen again.
I genuinely believe he believes it won't but how can I believe him now?
He says he's embarrassed and ashamed of his behaviour but that 'it was just one terrible mistake. One mistake in ten years'
I've told him I need at least some space whilst I figure out what to do. He says he needs to know so knows what to tell people. He's been honest with his friend about what happened and his parents are on holiday till tomorrow. He said he'll also tell them and take any anger management class I want him to.
The thing is I felt nothing when he was saying all this to me.
I do believe he's sorry but even if I believed he would never do it again I don't feel the same way about him anymore.
Just numbness. He stated crying and I felt nothing

[ptumbi]

Phone Womans Aid. That is what they are there for!

I often read on here 'I can't phone Womans Aid; He hasn't been violent' - what's your excuse?

They will HELP YOU! They will tell you what you need to do, where to go for benefits, aid, housing, legal aid...

Phone them.

Oh - and he is being 'nice' 'crying and begging' because he is scared you will report him. You could go to the Police to tell them he'd tried to strangle you - They would pick him up and he could be looking at a sentence. That's how serious it is.

That's why he's being nice and crying and begging. He's afraid

[BertieBotts]

Women's Aid will call you back if you left a phone number.

I called them for much less. And they helped me. They will help you and they WON'T think you are wasting their time.

Actually I'm sure they much prefer to hear from women before they are in the situation of being beaten every day, because it means they can help you avoid that situation. IYSWIM?

[Dannii6]

He's said he'll go to the police himself if that's what I want.
I genuinely believe he's sorry.
But I don't believe him when he says it won't happen again. He didn't think he was capable of that and still did it. How can I believe it won't happen again.

[hotdiggedy]

He needs to know so he knows what to tell people??