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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

278 replies

Dannii6 · 30/08/2016 11:18

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place :(

OP posts:
adora1 · 01/09/2016 15:12

If I had nearly killed another human being I'd not be demanding anything, I'd give them their peace and quiet and let them get over the horrific incident; he's still minimising and guilt tripping you, when you have done FA wrong!

Do not give in, you will regret.

BarbarianMum · 01/09/2016 15:26
RedMapleLeaf · 01/09/2016 15:29

Whatever he's saying he's certainly not acting like someone who is sorry about what he did. He's not going to stop trying different tactics until you fall in to place. I agree with PP, you need to refuse contact with him for a bit. To be honest I'd tell him that I was listening to everything he's said and that I needed a couple of weeks to get my head around it. Make out that you just need to come around. Then be preparing like a whirlwind to leave him.

loveyoutothemoon · 01/09/2016 15:30

Spot on barbarian

gamerchick · 01/09/2016 15:31

The coming around and asking to talk has started, he will not give you any peace and it'll wear you down until you give in. You're probably in for a bumpy road if you don't nip this in the bud now. His nasty side will show soon and the custody threats, stand firm.

Tell him if he turns up again you'll be contacting the police and make sure you do that to have a word with him.

adora1 · 01/09/2016 15:53

He attacked you Monday night and is already pressuring you to forgive and forget, if he turns up again today or tonight show him your bruises and tell him he's lucky you never reported him for assault and say nothing else and close the door on him.

Original poster
Dannii6 · 01/09/2016 15:57

Adora that's exactly what I did. I showed him my head and said I could've reported you. He replied I know and I wouldn't have blamed you if you did.
I believe he's remorseful. I really do. I believe he's ashamed and that he's sorry.
What I can't believe though is that this will not happen again.
He's sworn to me it won't but I asked him what he would've said if id asked him last week if he was capable of doing it. He couldn't answer me so I said you'd be swearing to me you'd never touch me. And you have so you do not know you won't do it again

OP posts:
adora1 · 01/09/2016 16:28

Yes I am sure he is too, he must be mortified but it still doesn't eradicate the chance of it happening again, you are so right.

Has he offered to actually do anything about his temper/inability to control/assault you or is it just a case of, moment of madness again, 3rd time?

Actually shocked at his attitude, what would he tell his own daughter in this position, forgive and forget, doubt it.

ToxicLadybird · 01/09/2016 16:30

Dannii they are always remorseful and they always swear blind that it'll never happen again. And they're believable because they're not lying, they mean what they say 100%. That's why it's so hard to walk away.

But the truth is that it WILL happen again and it WILL be worse next time. That is the absolute truth of domestic violence.

My exH eventually escalated to the point of turning on my children in order to inflict the most pain he could on me. That was was my line in the sand. I wish I'd had the strength to walk away sooner and save myself, and my children, years of walking on egg shells trying to avoid triggering another outburst.

Please, please, please don't be sucked in. You are NOT responsible for his feeling and putting this right. You are responsible for protecting yourself and your children. Keep strong.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/09/2016 16:39

Dannii

It what they have all said, he will be remorseful, he will be sorry etc. but he will do it again, its a circle of behaviour, you can't stop it, you are not responsible for it.

You can however leave him to it and improve your life and the life of your children.

Please stay strong

WannaBe · 01/09/2016 16:49

He most likely genuinely is remorseful. the thing is you will never know whether he will never do it again, until next time.

And even if he never crosses that line again, the fact is he crossed it in the first place. He can never come back from that. There is no way to explain that "I once strangled my partner but it was a one off."

And he is using your affair to justify his position. The fact that he forgave you somehow makes him feel entitled to the same. Thing is, two wrongs don't make a right, and relationships move in different directions.

You don't owe him another chance, and even if he is never violent again, a one off violent incident is justification to leave. There doesn't need to be anything else said.

adora1 · 01/09/2016 17:09

Unless he learns lessons from this he will have no incentive to address his problem and he definitely does have one, normal people do not do this to their partner, bottom line.

Even if you take him back, you need a period of no contact to make him feel some bloody consequence for what he has done; you will feel crap anyway if you just brush it away, will be great for him but very damaging for you.

thestamp · 01/09/2016 17:19

Dannii I'm very impressed by your courage and clear-headedness. Keep going. I know how difficult this is when it's just emotional abuse, I can't imagine how hard it is when there's a physical component too. You've been so brave.

Your children may experience upheaval in the short term, but you are saving them from devastating consequences by sticking to what you know to be right. Good on you.

DoreenLethal · 01/09/2016 17:23

Well, they aren't going to say 'yes I intend to batter you as soon as you think it's all calmed down' are they?

You are doing the right thing. Trouble is if you don't report it and he turns nasty towards your child you have no evidence that he tried to strangle you. Reporting it puts a line in the sand. It is protection for you and your child.

RedMapleLeaf · 01/09/2016 17:32

I believe he's remorseful. I really do. I believe he's ashamed and that he's sorry. What I can't believe though is that this will not happen again.

I agree with you. I just keep thinking how I would behave if I had hurt someone (anyone!) like this. I just can't imagine that I'd be in their face, pestering to come back. I'd be scared to my core, seeking professional help and keeping myself away from anyone I might hurt.

Dannii I'm very impressed by your courage and clear-headedness.

This. This. This.

FantasticButtocks · 01/09/2016 17:53

just a moment of madness and that she doesn't think he'd ever be stupid enough to do that again because he loves me so much. Your friend probably never thought he would totally lose control of himself and attack you though. But he did. He probably thought he would never lose control and attack you, but that's what happened. He now thinks he will never do it again. But how does he know? How can he guarantee it? He can't. He loves you so much...then he should wish for your sake that you get as far away as possible from someone who is capable of harming you. He says he trusts you. Great. Thing is though, you can't trust him now. Sad

NavyandWhite · 01/09/2016 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FantasticButtocks · 01/09/2016 18:05

He's saying you should forgive him for this 'one mistake in ten years'. He says because he forgave you for your cheating when he never thought he would. Fine. That was his choice. He's trying to say you owe him forgiveness. I'd say to him- it's not about forgiveness, it's about me not wanting to live with a person who is capable of doing this, that's my boundary, that's it. He is in no position to advise you what you should be doing. You get to make your own decisions. Autonomy. There is not a committee to decide what you should do, with him as the spokesperson.

ptumbi · 01/09/2016 18:35

DAnnii - he DOES NOT get '1 mistake in ten years'! No one does.

Does he mean that in another 10 years or so he gets another go at killing you? Angry And you hadn't even done anything! What if he 'thinks' you've done something, next time? You stop going out, going to the pub, seeing friends -you are isolated and abusers always love that!

He think you should be getting past it now; it's been, oooh 3 days? He doesn't get to tell you what you should be feeling right now, or ever. He is minimising ('it wasn't that bad; I should be able to make one mistake, you drove me to it')

He is NOT a good man. He is a bullying abuser. BE CAREFUL! He will probably start getting angry now, if he sticks to the script. Nice, tearful, angry, nice, cajoling, angry, bullying, nice, tears.....

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/09/2016 19:52

Wow, less than a week since he tried to kill you and in that week he has lied to his mum about why he is staying with her, has tried to move back in against your wishes, has sought no professional help whatsoever and is now moaning that you haven't moved past him trying to kill you a few days ago.

Wow.

Still, nice to see that he's moved past it and feels ready to move back in with you. Despite having done nothing at all to address whatever made him have a moment of madness.

Has he even apologised for being angry with you for being near that bloke?

it's not about forgiveness, it's about me not wanting to live with a person who is capable of doing this.
^^ This. A thousand times this.

DoreenLethal · 01/09/2016 20:04

Nice, tearful, angry, nice, cajoling, angry, bullying, nice, tears.....

Then the threats of not being able to live without you and will probably kill themselves.

Yeah right. Crack on then mate. I'm getting myself a cheese toastie whilst you do.

gamerchick · 01/09/2016 20:21

Yeah the script, they all follow it..it's spooky.

PGPsabitch · 01/09/2016 21:35

One mistake in ten years...is that what he'd be saying to your dc if he'd killed you?

You are being so strong op, keep hold of that

Original poster
Dannii6 · 02/09/2016 05:39

So I'm in work and obviously not myself and the bruise on my forehead is very noticeable. I've tried to avoid talking about what happened but I did end up confiding in a male colleague.
He's very nice and has told me to really think everything through.
If he was a violent abuser it wouldn't have taken him 10 years to show it.
Do you think he's right.
I feel like I've taken a step back now :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Dannii6 · 02/09/2016 05:43

I think I'm just exhausted now. I haven't slept in over 24 hours and still have 2 hours of this shift left.
I know the timeframe doesn't matter. I've just got to keep reminding myself of what he did

OP posts: