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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

278 replies

Dannii6 · 30/08/2016 11:18

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place :(

OP posts:
ReggaeShark · 03/09/2016 07:25

"Other thread"?

Dannii6 · 03/09/2016 08:03

Hi reggae shark. Yes I started another thread on this and someone suggested I post it here on the relationship board to get more advice.
Thanks everyone who's replied. Your comments are all true and I'm really grateful for everyone taking the time to help me.
I had a knock on the door yesterday before I left for work and was greeted by someone delivering the biggest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen.
I had just woke up after a night shift and just took them. Didn't say thanks (which I felt bad for) and left them on the kitchen table.
I haven't spoken to him other than to tell him I'll be dropping the kids off to him at his mothers before I go to work and I text him last night to check how they were. He replied they were ok. How was I? And did I get the flowers. I ignored the message.
I wish I could cut contact completely to really get my head around this but because of the kids I can't

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 03/09/2016 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoreenLethal · 03/09/2016 08:45

Didn't say thanks (which I felt bad for)

Why would you feel bad for this? He arranges for someone to send you dead flowers to try and make amends for nearly killing you. How is that even a thing?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2016 08:56

I see you got some so called "apology" flowers. They need to be put into the bin. He thinks he can buy you off with those.

Re your comment:-
I wish I could cut contact completely to really get my head around this but because of the kids I can't

Why not?. It is precisely because of them that you should cut all contact with this man.

When is your next appointment with WA?.

ptumbi · 03/09/2016 09:01

I'd say to him - the very fact that you think I should ignore this and stay with you after such a dreadfully violent attack makes you a dangerous man because you don't think it's serious enough to end the relationship.

^yep.

He thinks it's nothing. He will do it again.

Angry - flowers!!!!??

He will be on to 'bullying and threats' soon. Guaranteed.

FGS - you HAVE called off the wedding?

Scarydinosaurs · 03/09/2016 09:50

It can take 10 years clearly as he was violent and did abuse you. Please don't minimise.

If you are concerned he won't move out, have you looked up flats in your area as a stop gap until you sell your house? Use your school postcode as a starting point.

BertieBotts · 03/09/2016 10:12

Give the flowers to a neighbour or someone who can appreciate them without the horrible mixed feelings you'll be having.

He can't fix this with flowers.

Can you arrange contact through a third party so you don't have to speak directly to him?

gamerchick · 03/09/2016 10:53

Its always bitter sweet when they start doing the flowers thing. Especially if you like flowers. The bullying isn't far away, depends on how impatient they are generally.

He's logging what it takes to get you back. Pave the way with flowers and ask you out on a date to 'talk' or come over to talk. Then the invade family time as much as possible 'you're taking the kids away from me at least let me come and put them to bed each night.

There are variations such as tear stained letters and whatnot but they all mean the same thing... To wear you down into giving in rather then prove they're really sorry for what they did because deep down they don't think what they did was such a big deal.

JudyCoolibar · 03/09/2016 10:59

What concerns me apart from the attack is his possessive jealousy and the way he jumped to the worst conclusions on the basis of very little evidence and didn't apparently bother to get your side of the story. Has he shown signs of being possessive and jealous before?

JudyCoolibar · 03/09/2016 11:07

You don't need to find another flat, do you? Surely you and the DC should stay put and he needs to find somewhere else to live, in addition to paying rent for your children's home.

Mix56 · 03/09/2016 12:30

Just to reiterate. Abuse escalates when relationship becomes more established, kids/marriage. In your case you cheated on him also.
He has NOT forgiven you, the very fact he nearly STRANGLED you, was because he wanted to see msgs to & from your X cheat partner.
He was already wound up as you were out alone, then no phone reply, then this mention of the cheat guy. h.is invention, & his total loss of control.
So now whenever you raise your voices, or the kids are difficult, or he is tired or bolshy or drunk. You will break out into a cold sweat & start looking for your car keys.
There is no undoing this as I think you are coming to see.
YOU MUST log with with the police, (proof with texts) YOU MUST log this with GP. You cannot just forgive. Your relationship is now irretrievably damaged.
You need to discover if he has had the balls to tell the truth to his parents, preferably with him in the room. You need to tell them wedding is off.
He has probably said you just had a tiff, it may even be her who said, "oh send her a lovely bunch of flowers, she will get over it."
Cancel the wedding, whether you end up forgiving or not, the wedding is
a farce unser the circumstances.

ElsieMc · 03/09/2016 12:58

This happened to my dd. Her partner tried to strangle her and I noticed she was wearing a scarf round her neck in the summer and long sleeved tops to cover up her arms. She was very thin. She was being denied food and her bank card was taken, she had no access to money and when she went into the bank her account was emptied and overdrawn.

The Police arrested her partner twice. On the second occasion the officer attending remembered her from the first time and told her for god's sake get out before you are killed. They locked her partner in the cells but he returned. His friends had actually called the police as they were so scared.

He also smashed her head against the floor, punched her whilst they were out for not wearing suitable clothes, kicked her car full force in a rage and dragged her out of her home in the winter in her nightclothes and locked her out in the street in the freezing cold. He smashed up the lap top we bought her.

The police have this person on a list where they can warn future partners. Partner said he would deny violence but agreed to plead guilty to harassment for which he was convicted. My dd could not face court. But he served a prison sentence anyway because he did not bother attending community service.

What I am saying here is that this is just the beginning. You don't want to believe it because the thought of moving on by yourself and "throwing" away your long term relationship is so scary. I am really worried for you because I still think you are minimising the strangulation. That is the acknowledged end of the line in any domestic abuse situation.

You need to block contact for a while so you can get your head straight. His pressurising you is very worrying. You will not feel the same again. Don't spend the next few years walking on egg shells.

We thought her partner was decent, intelligent and good for her. How wrong were we.

nicenewdusters · 03/09/2016 15:47

Danni _ I thought your situation was awful, and then I read the extracts from your previous thread by another poster. That wasn't a moment of madness. He was trying to choke the life out of you to get some information. So it's either attempted murder or torture. And even now he wants to stand in front of a room full of people and say he's going to love and protect you for the rest of your life. You'd be safer running across a motorway with a blindfold on.

If your child was an utter pain and their teacher was at the end of their tether with them, what would you accept from them as a moment of madness ? A small slap on your child's leg, pulling them roughly, pushing them ? You'd accept nothing, absolutely nothing. That's what you should be accepting for yourself.

Bin the flowers, they're an insult. You don't have to have any contact with him. Take the nuclear option and tell his mum exactly why you will be staying in your home with your children, and why the wedding's off. You can communicate with her as to when he can collect the children/you drop them off. If she doesn't believe you, tries to minimise it, says you're bonkers, then her loss. You and the kids, that's all that matters.

It will be like wading through treacle. You know deep down what you need to do. But all the time you'll be thinking it's been 10 years...he's really sorry... he's their father... I'm sure he really loves me. That's all normal to think those things, but none of them is a reason to stay.

Dannii6 · 03/09/2016 16:25

So the flowers are gone. I put them in the bin.
Sorry I didn't make it clear I meant I didn't say thanks to the delivery guy.
My next appointment is on Monday with my local DA charity. Caflan.
Yes the wedding is off in theory. I haven't actually got round to the logistics side but I will after the weekend.
His parents know. I don't know exactly what he said but he told me he's told them everything.
They are apparently shocked by his behaviour but are supporting him as "they know he's not really like that". They're apparently also concerned about me. "They they think of me as a daughter" yet I've had no phone call or text to see how I'm doing and how I feel about everything.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 03/09/2016 16:44

Of course they are 'supporting' him. He is their son; they are unlikely to throw him out. If they reckon he is 'not like that' - then they can live with him.. He IS like that. Angry

I'm glad the wedding is off. Even if you did want to take him back (NO!!) you cannot marry this guy. Not now, maybe not ever. In fact - I'm certain, not ever.

I hope your DA appointment is helpful.

gamerchick · 03/09/2016 16:47

He'll have minimised things into oblivion. I wouldn't bank on him telling them much.

NavyandWhite · 03/09/2016 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nicenewdusters · 03/09/2016 17:26

Good luck for Monday, another step taken.

I too seriously doubt whether he's told his parents the whole story. It'll be enough to explain why he's not at home, but also to maintain his Good Guy image.

And yes, he is like that. If you do something then that's what you're like. They only thought he wasn't like that when they didn't know what he'd done. If they know the truth - if - then they're lying to themselves, which won't help you. They may think of you as a daughter but he's their son, so that's where their loyalties will lie. That's no reflection on you.

You're doing really well, keep going.

Mix56 · 03/09/2016 18:07

You can bet your very last £ he didn't say I tried to strangle her, & beat her head with a hard object.
He will have said, she was drunk & we got into a fight.
They must be told the wedding is off, HE can contact all his relatives & tell them the truth.
Sorry danni, its a sudden shock & nothing you have merited. Bad Luck that the guy was there at your evening out (maybe your r'ship is not so golden after all if you cheated on him) but Good Luck that you have discovered your P is a potential murderer.

BertieBotts · 03/09/2016 19:18

I'm glad you're meeting someone on Monday.

You're doing so well and being so strong. Flowers Proud of you for seeing through things.

Dannii6 · 03/09/2016 19:26

Just wanted to thank you all again for all your advice and support.
It is 100% over between us. I have no doubts anymore.
He's at his mothers with my kids and just strolled in to our house. Said my ds wanted his blanky.
That's fine but I told him to ring or text beforehand next time something like that happens and I'll take it up to his mums.
He then asked what was happening with us. I told him I didn't know yet. And that I wasn't get the space I asked for with the drop ins and the flowers etc.
Anyway a minor argument happened. More me shouting at him that the least he could do was respect my decision to want the space.
He then said but I need to know what to do. This resulted in me saying I don't care what he does and he just snorted and said that's right you don't care.
I shouted to just leave and he can pick up his stuff when I'm out tomorrow because he obviously doesn't realise how bad what he's done with. He just stood by the door so I shouting for him to just leave.
And then the clincher....
He opened the door and shouted back "and you wonder how people get angry at you"

OP posts:
Dannii6 · 03/09/2016 19:32

I didn't want to believe it. I wanted him to prove me and everyone on here wrong and that he was genuinely sorry.
Apart from when I was young I don't have experience in this sort of thing.
So many of you were telling me that first will come the grovelling then the presents then the nastiness at not getting his way.
I can't believe it has happened exactly like that. You were all right. I feel so stupid. He's followed the "textbook" pretty much word for word from what I have taken from what you have all said

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 03/09/2016 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nicenewdusters · 03/09/2016 19:45

Oh Danni how horrible for you. But he's done you a massive favour by following the script. You too can follow your script, and skip all the part where you wonder if you should give him a second chance.

My jaw literally dropped when I read what he'd shouted at you. How bloody dare he. It's been said so many times on here, but when someone shows you who they are, listen. You have seen right through him now.

So his parents know he's not really like that. Oh yes he is, and you 100% know it. Use your anger as energy and report his attempted strangulation/choking of you to the police. He deserves nothing. Protect yourself and your children. Lock the door when you're in the property alone or with your children.

You're the strong one here. You don't have moments of madness. You're in control and he's out on his arse.

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