don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

[Dannii6]

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place :(

[WilLiAmHerschel]

Hi Danni. I was on your first thread and earlier on this one and I came back to check in on you. I can't believe how strong and resolved you're sounding. I feel a bit weepy. I was so worried you'd end up brushing it all under the carpet. I'm glad you haven't and I think you have seen his true colours now. I am so pleased your sister is supporting you too.

Make sure you try and get some rest and that you're looking after yourself. Make sure you're eating and sleeping when you can.

[nicenewdusters]

I was wondering the same Dannii, had he been in contact with you at all?

[ptumbi]

I'm glad you are moving forward Dannii.

Have you started cancelling the wedding plans? The earlier the better; the more likely you are to get some money back.

Have you had any interaction with 'him'? I can';t believe he's actually leaving you alone!?

[Dannii6]

Hi everyone. So yesterday with my sister went fine. She was very shocked but supportive. She's younger than me so didn't really have any advice but it's good to know she's supporting me.
I have a meeting with the council on Thursday to see if I can get on the scheme where they pay your bond if you private rent so hopefully that'll go well and I can start looking at places to live

[EmmaMacgill]

How are you today Dannii ?

[Goingtobeawesome]

This is all terrifying. He's livid you've forgotten your place and have been standing up for yourself. Forget his parents, they aren't going to be a support. bitter experience that blood always wins

[nicenewdusters]

Hope your meet up with your sister went well.

Was she totally surprised? Often people on the outside can see things we can't.

[adora1]

Just read your update, can't believe the nerve of him asking you what's happening - the guy has zero respect for you OP and clearly no fucken remorse whatsoever about what he has done, shocked actually that another human being can be so self absorbent, at least now you know you are going to be well rid, what an absolutely horrible person he is.

[Slowlyslowly]

I changed the locks immediately. Just the barrels; was dead easy with googles help and a screwdriver. Our joint house. I mentioned it to police, they said strictly speaking i shouldn't have, but as long as I allowed him access if he requested it that was ok. He obviously didn't ask. It did allow me to sleep at night. My local da service put me in touch with our local council run safe spaces; they came and added new locks.

[ptumbi]

They think he's an amazing partner? Put them straight.

I've said before, no-one knows what goes on inside someone else's relationship. He is abusive, but charming on the outside. He's not the first or only.

I hope your sister will be there for you.

[Dannii6]

Yea I'm sure I can find someone to fix it. Hopefully I won't be in this house long anyway.
Going to meet my sister later. She knows nothing about any of this. I am dreading telling her. I hate telling people in rl about my problems. I don't know why but I feel really embarrassed telling her or any of my family.
Sounds stupid I know but I feel bad because they were all looking forward to the wedding.
Plus they all love him. They think he's an amazing partner. Which he pretty much was until this happened

[Mix56]

Fix it, they cost less than nothing, Do you have a friendly neighbour, or husband of a friend if you don't think you can change it alone/need some tools.

[Dannii6]

No my door chain broke years ago and we never got round to fixing it

[Thattimeofyearagain]

Do you have the type of doors that you could put a chain on? Not denying him entry, just stopping him from strolling in.

[PGPsabitch]

And people can surprise you with stupid insensitive and inappropriate things that they say. No matter how close you are to then or how smart they seem or the situation. I had numerous shockers after my miscarriage that made me question and I know a good friend who was emotionally abused who heard similar Bollocks from people when leaving her oh.

People can surprise you and not for the better. I would avoid people like that who won't be helpful. Better help here and woman's aid only then people who will minimise, be insensitive and have their own agendas.

[PGPsabitch]

Please call someone on 101 and update them about this op. You see he's following the script and getting angry, it's very likely he'll get more angry as you take a stand.

When you are in keep a key, whether it's that door key or another, in the locks. He will be forced to knock then rather then surprise you.

[Doublemint]

You are doing so well. He is following the script to a tee. I echo what all the pp's have said but just want to say/re-say-
dont be alone with him from now on
get somewhere safe or make your house safe

Don't talk to him from now on and for gods sake go to your gp!

Also your work colleague sounds naive and out of his depth. These women have lived through it. They have thrived after it. You can too, with your bambinos

[Mix56]

He has no idea does he? no real shame, or humility for his contemptible behaviour. Tosser

You can't change the locks, but you can put a chain on, or leave the key in the door. At lease he won't be able to saunter in when you aren't expecting it.
Because when he realises it's not just going to blow over, he will get angry & you may be in danger again. You need to get a paper trail of his violence. Don't wait, you will regret it.

[DoreenLethal]

Yes move out, fresh start and you will feel much safer.

[alfagirl73]

I have to admit; when I read the account of what he said when he came round to talk to you before, what struck me was that he seemed more concerned with how HE was feeling... it was all about him, not you.

He's now realising that you're not just going to sit back and take what he's done... and he doesn't like it.

You're doing amazing... stay strong!

[Scarydinosaurs]

Because you've not entertained the pleading/gifts/minimising he has been pushed into the anger. It's made his bullshit easier to see through and his fake remorse has been exposed.

Not stupid at all- you're doing so well.

[Dannii6]

I can't change the lock no. The mortgage is in his name. The guy at citizens advice told me that. He said I could fight for the house. He said because we bought it together and I've contributed and we were getting married it shows that the intent was that it's a joint house for us to live in together.
But tbh I don't want it. I'd rather move me and the kids somewhere else. He'd always have a hold over me otherwise as it would still be his name on the deeds

[nicenewdusters]

Can you leave the key physically inside the lock, so that when he puts his key in from outside it won't physically go in ?

I don't know if the law is different when it comes to changing the locks on joint properties where there has been violence ? Hopefully someone will come along who knows about these things.

[justilou]

While he is gone you need to get all banking paperwork, birth certificates for you and kids and any identification that you have to a friend's place. Someone he won't think of, preferably.... If I am right, HE transfers from YOUR account into a joint account? You have to get to the bank on Monday and stop this immediately. Make sure uou are the only signatory and that all of his internet access is stopped immediately.