don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

[Dannii6]

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place :(

Can't believe you are suffering the same shit Meh, why do you stay, I don't understand it tbh.

I hope the counselling sorts him out but it's interesting, these men only ever attack women, funny that eh.

danni, it's not easy; that's why it takes a big decision to change things - but you know in your heart what the future will bring if you marry this man.

And you know that you have the power to make that future different

Meh

Why are you still together at all given what he has done to you?. I understand that it is very hard to leave and know that women do stay out of fear and financial pressures (amongst other reasons as well) but he may well succeed in killing you ultimately.

You do realise that the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none.

Relate can be absolute rubbish when it comes to violent and or otherwise abusive relationships and your relationship has featured violence towards you. Also no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you in the same room anyway given the abuse he has already meted out. Have you told Relate the full story here?.

A few counselling sessions on his part is not going to begin to scratch the surface here re him; he will need years of therapy and I cannot see him at all doing that. Even then it may not be successful; many perpetrator courses can actually help the abuser to cover their tracks more successfully in future. He does this to you Meh because he can and he feels entitled to do it. He may well have grown up in a violent household himself and regards this as normal behaviour. Men like this hate women, all of them with particular reference to their own mother.

Abuse is about having power and control over the other person; it is not about communication or a lack of. You discuss and compromise constantly, the abuser never co-operates.

I would cancel Relate and talk to Womens Aid instead. You will not be able to ever move past the violence or the constant fear/eggshells of upsetting him. Living on eggshells is code for living in fear.

You have a choice re this man; exercise it.

Thanks all, I didn't mean to hijack the thread! I don't have an answer and I have asked the same questions. It's complicated. I will say that he hasn't grown up in an abusive household and loved his mother. He has told his dad and brother (MIL died a few years ago).

Objectively I know what's happening and having seen it first hand, I know that ultimately leaving is probably what I need to/will do.

So far relate have been good, we are having separate sessions and this is to assess whether or not they can help us or if it needs to go further. We did tell the counsellor the full story.

I don't have an answer why I stay and tbh I don't know if I will. I wonder if I am going through the motions with the end being that I will leave. I need to sort out my head before I move forward that much I know.

There's nothing more I can say without making him seem like an even bigger shit. Suffice it to say, I know my options and am prepared to leave, I just need to get things straight in my own head.

Meh you are making a huge mistake to attend Relate with a domestic abuser

You don't even have the excuse of being trapped by having kids together. You speak of each incidence of violence with such a detached air. He will injure you severely very soon. You've had all your warnings. Whatt more signposts do you need ?

Meh. You aren't hijacking the thread. I'd be please if a thread I'd started helped other people.
As you've probably read I don't really know a lot about what you're going through so can't really give you any advice but I wish you the best and hope you get through it. Hugs X

AFAIK, domestic violence is usually accompanied by other forms of abuse, particularly destroying your self-esteem and social network all aimed at keeping you from being able to move out.

she honestly believes it was just a moment of madness and that she doesn't think he'd ever be stupid enough to do that again because he loves me so much. - but it's not her neck! It's not her relationship! And however well she thinks she 'knows' this guy - she really doesn't. No one does; your relationship is closed to everyone else.

He is NOT a good man. He might have episodes of 'niceness' and give everyone else the impression of being good and nice, but these episodes of violence are part of what he is.

If you carry on with him, if you go back to normal, he has got away with it. He will take that in, and understand that NEXT TIME he can do it again, in the expectation that nothing will change. Then it goes a bit further - a push turns into a slap, a slap into a punch. A 'choke' turns into a full blown strangulation (as said before, very very easy to kill)

He's not worth it. If he 'loves you so much' he will realise that, get help for himself, work on it himself, before inflicting himself on you.

Theres been some excellent advise on this threead op, i can only add that people can horrify us and its very normal to be shocked but that. Try not to let the disbelief cloud your thoughts though, this man hurt you and is more than capable of doing it again.

Please don't bank on him never hurting or having hurt the kids op. A relative would say the same and had sporadic written off incidents. She realised how wrong she was when her eldest became a young teen, stood up for her and was put in hospital alongside her. You can't say 100% anything, he is unpredictable for yourself and anyone else

Also your friend is in disbelief too. If you are stunned he can do this and saying how good he is when you experienced it then she's not going to be much different. Especially as she's got a lot to lose.

She may be a good person but to you she is not being a good friend to try and minimise this.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this, and Meh as well

Yesterday I read the Lundy Bancroft book - Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

I'm sorry to say that although he probably is genuinely sorry right now, his sense of entitlement will soon take over again and he will diminish what happened and relieve himself of any guilt by believing you asked for it.

You are his possession and he sees it as his right to control you by any means possible. He gave himself permission to do that to you, he didn't lose control. It was a choice.

Please look after yourselves and get away from these men.

Abusers like the privileges it grants them. They don't want to change.

I'm sorry op, I feel so sad for you. He has done all this and you're running rings in your head trying to make sense of it all. I think you need to try and take a step back from that and just look at the facts. He committed a violent, potentially lethal act against you. He has so far followed the typical abuser pattern of tears and pleading. On paper he sounds like a typical abusive partner and I'm inclined to think that this is the case. I am convinced he will do something again if given the chance.

Think of all the news paper stories of men who kill their children and wives and then themselves. The stories tend to go "He was such a nice man. This seems so out of character. I wonder what could have driven him to this." I guarantee that in the relationship there were signs. This does not come from nowhere. These guys are great at playing the good guy and people around them are happy to be fooled a lot of the time.

Meh - what do you think he felt about you when he had his hands around your neck ? When he saw the look of horror and fear on your face did he feel compassion for you ? When he could feel your blood pumping under his hands do you think he thought my god, I'm hurting the woman I love?

No. None of those things. He didn't breakdown after the first incident did he ? Did he go to the GP, question his whole character, become depressed and anxious and decide he should end it with you for YOUR sake ?

No. He did it again. By staying you have unconsciously said this is my worth. But you are worth 100% more than that. He is a tiny pathetic figure. But he is also a man with his hands around your neck, and one day he will probably kill you.

So after seeing a few people today I have an appointment at the council tomorrow where they're going to look at me a applying for a bond scheme so I can look at renting somewhere to live.
I told dp what I'd done and he wasn't happy. Not in an angry way but he thought we were moving past what happened as I let him come over this morning to see ds as it's his first day back at school.
I'm scared of being a single mum and being on my own but I'll manage. Still doesn't make me feel less heartbroken though. :(

Well done. I think you are doing the right thing. Your feeling heartbroken is to feel the loss of your dreams. It's sad when they go. But thy weren't the reality. The reality was someone who you cared about hurting you very badly. That's not what you dreamed about. Good luck. Stay strong.

Keep going Danni, you are doing great.

Moving past him nearly killing you, again, he's minimising and making out it's not bad enough for you to be doing this, again, shows his complete lack of understanding, for me, it would be a push to carry on.

I too think you are doing the right thing. You have not only to be safe in your own home but feel safe. Even if he gets help, even if it works (and how can you ever know) it will be in your mind every time you argue.

If he's "a good man" in many ways then that's wonderful for your kids. But he's undoubtably flawed and, to you at least, very dangerous.

Well done Danni, great to read your update.

He can move past whatever he wants, you don't have to and you haven't. You've seen him for what he is and you're out of there.

Just be careful because now he knows you're serious, and he can see he's losing his control over you. Try to avoid being alone with him, let those closest to you know what's happened.

Yes yes yes to being careful. It's advice I truly hope you don't need, but abusers can escalate sharply when their victim is in the process of leaving. Be prepared too that when sadness, apologies and being upset don't work for him to get you to overlook this, he may become angry.

Of course you are heartbroken. I am so sorry he has chosen to do this to you. He's caused many losses by his actions.

You're doing great Danni. Just cos something is difficult doesn't mean it's wrong.

he thought we were moving past what happened

Words fail me. Any person worth their salt would still be in horror of their own actions, seeking professional help etc.

Well done Danni. I've been in your shoes and know all too well how hard it is to walk away.

So he's just been here wanting to talk. I know i should've said no but I'm just exhausted and my dd is here.
He says he wants to work through this together and can't see why I won't even try us getting back together as its 'one mistake in 10 years' and he never thought he'd forgive me if I cheated and he did.
Went on about how heartbroken he is and how these have been the hardest days of his life.
I asked how does he think I feel then and he said he understands how worse it is for me.
I don't know what more I can say to him to make him understand this is over

Just say it is over. The more you talk to him the more he will think he has a chance and he will try and persuade you to get back together.

You are doing really well.

Do not be alone with him any more. I would actually start looking into obtaining a non molestation order if he continues to try and contact you.

Again, the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He has also been violent towards you before by pushing you onto the bed and threw a rolled up towel at you; that can also be seen as domestic violence. Him now saying it will never happen again is therefore a crock of shit.

He does not get this at all, he thinks he can sweet talk you back into his life. He is still not taking any sort of responsibility for his actions here and will never do so either. He is not sorry, he is only sorry for his own self.

I take it as read the wedding is cancelled now.

It is hard to walk away I grant you but the alternative for you is far worse.