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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

278 replies

Dannii6 · 30/08/2016 11:18

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place :(

OP posts:

Report

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2016 16:25

"I don't know if I will go to the police. I probably won't. I think he's suffered enough".

And you have not?. And what about you, do you not matter as much?. Stop putting his own needs above yours.

He could have killed you. If he had done this to a person in the street he would be arrested. At the very least a GP should examine your neck and wrist. It should be logged.

"Everyone's going to be so shocked and I know some people are going to blame me or try to make me 'see sense' and give him another chance".

Abuse thrives on secrecy. No-one on here has said give him another chance, also those people you speak of have not seen what he is really capable of. There is NO guarantee he will not do this to you again and he has pushed you onto a bed before now.

Look at what your parents taught you about relationships. She undoubtedly would want better for you now.

MidnightPixie3 · 30/08/2016 16:27

But you are strong. You are standing up for yourself and your children. You have opened a bank account, called women's aid. You need to get yourself checked physically. Imagine what your mum would say to you if she was here now. She would know what to do as she was in your position once and I bet you know what advice she would give you and even the action she would take - I imagine she would be dragging you to a GP or the police right now!

You probably don't need to make big changes today or even this week but if it is possible for you to have as much as possible in place or enough knowledge to be able to leave your house at the drop of a hat if you needed to that would be a good place to be in.

Take care of yourself x

Dannii6 · 30/08/2016 16:33

You are all right. She loved him and thought he was the best thing to happen to me but if she knew about this she'd be dragging me and my kids out to go live with her and making me phone the police.

OP posts:

QueenofFatAsses · 30/08/2016 16:37

I am going to go against the grain here and say, yes I do think it is entirely possible for someone to have a wild 5 minutes and do something out of character, particularly if it was in regards to a previous issue you guys had.
I personally hit my ex husband in the face, my friend punched her husband when she found out he was cheating on her. I had never done it before and I never did it again. I did feel awful and questioned what kind of a person I was if I was capable of hitting someone in anger (particularly as I was raised in an abusive home).
It sounds to me that you want to forgive him and only you can make that choice, but coming from a home with violence I can say that if he is abusive your forgiving him will only embolden him.
So be careful OP, only you can know what is going on really and if you make the choice to forgive him will you always be on your guard, will you always be looking over your shoulder or will you be able to go forward.
regardless he should seek help because it seems like he may not have dealt with your previous infidelity.

MidnightPixie3 · 30/08/2016 16:39

So keep her alive by doing what you know she would have done. Then when this is all a memory and you have built a new life for youself you can thank her for showing you the right way.
You also need to show your children the right way to deal with things. Imagine if they were in your position in 25 years time. What would you want them to do? Whatever you do now is what they will learn x

Dannii6 · 30/08/2016 16:44

Well he's not staying at his parents tonight now. They're home so he doesn't want to go there plus apparently it's not fair on the kids if he leaves

OP posts:

QueenofFatAsses · 30/08/2016 16:46

He is staying at yours?

Dannii6 · 30/08/2016 16:48

He's been staying at his parents as they've been away. He's just brought the kids back and has told me he's staying because he's got work and it's not fair on the kids

OP posts:

MidnightPixie3 · 30/08/2016 16:48

You need to be really firm and make him leave the house or calmly put the kids in the car go and withdraw some money and go to gp, a&e or police. Tell him you're going to get some food for tea or something

0dfod · 30/08/2016 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dannii6 · 30/08/2016 16:53

It's because he doesn't want to tell his parents even though he told me earlier he would because he understands he's wrong.
Says he's to embarassesed

OP posts:

CalmItKermitt · 30/08/2016 16:59

Please take care of yourself. I hope you survive the next time x

MrsEvadneCake · 30/08/2016 17:07

He's just manipulating the situation again. Not fair on the kids. Doesn't want to tell them. Is embarrassed. Has work. All about his feelings. Not how do you feel about him being there. He will do this again and by not telling people it's making it easier for him because he knows you won't tell anyone.

Please keep yourself safe. For your DC. For your own sake.

Dannii6 · 30/08/2016 17:14

He's asked his mother over the phone if he can stay and now he's packing some stuff. I don't know what he's going to tell her. I don't want to be the one to do it.
I really hope he's honest with them. At least that'll be something in the right direction

OP posts:

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 30/08/2016 17:16

Ok so he's already going back on some of the promises he's made. The reason he is doing so is because he knows you're going to fold.

If he was truly ashamed he wouldn't put you in this position, he would give you space and he would admit his actions. He's trying to manipulate you OP, he's trying to make you out to be the bad guy to your kids if you don't let him back in the house.

You think this is the only bad behaviour but he's financially controlling and I have no doubt that he's been controlling in other ways. Probably all underhanded controlling behaviour so it's harder to call him on it.

He's not worried for you or his actions he's worried how this will affect the way people view him and he's worried about losing control.

adora1 · 30/08/2016 17:18

What a joke, sorry my arse.

QueenofFatAsses · 30/08/2016 17:26

If you do not want him to stay there you need to tell him so. be firm and strong. This isn't about what he wants or needs or how it will affect him.
It is about what you need x

RedMapleLeaf · 30/08/2016 17:29

"I don't know if I will go to the police. I probably won't. I think he's suffered enough".

It's not about suffering, it's about having a paper trail just in case. Just in case he shoves you in front of the children on pick-up and you want to be taken seriously when you're concerned for their safety, or for when your child is a teen and tells you he did the same to them in 10 years time. Just in case one day he refuses to leave the house because he can't be arsed staying somewhere else one night.

adora1 · 30/08/2016 17:32

He doesn't have to tell his parents why you have argued, just another excuse to weasel his way back in, nothing changes for him.

ilovesooty · 30/08/2016 17:35

Manipulative dangerous shit. Report him to the police.

MidnightPixie3 · 30/08/2016 17:47

Hopefully he's gone back to his parents now.
OP, can you see that he is going to want things to go back to normal. That way he can pretend that what he did to you didn't really happen. He is trying to erase the last few days. I would doubt whether he was really serious about anything other than his own self-image. You need to be away from him for a long time. He needs to respect you enough to give you that time. But you also need to officially inform someone about what happenned. He has already gone back on his word.
Promise me that in the morning you will speak to someone. (Take your mum with you if it helps )

TheBouquets · 30/08/2016 17:52

Change the locks on the front and back doors and don't leave windows open in such a way that he can gain access that way.
Keep him out. You thought he would not harm the kids but you never thought he would do this to you. Safety is vital for you and the kids

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ilovesooty · 30/08/2016 18:18

If he's a co owner or joint tenant she can't change the locks surely?

thequeenoftarts · 30/08/2016 18:37

Remember how you felt looking into your Mother's coffin and saying goodbye, that could have been your children this week. Crying as they looked at your dead body, and what then?? What would happen to them? Please please remember that each time you soften towards your abuser. He put his hands around your neck and tried to choke you, my god pet wake up and realise that his violence is escalating,next time he might actually kill you. WA is exactly for people like you and me for and everyone else for that matter, it doesn't matter how many times he hurt you, once is one time too many. Take your ID and bills in your name if you have any and withdraw half the money in your savings account, find a private rental and get out. Tell that swine if he attempts to set foot back into the house until you leave that you will press charges for assault, and mean it.

ptumbi · 30/08/2016 19:42

He's already minimising it, blaming you, ignoring your wishes.

Get rid, OP. Stop worrying about him and his reputation, and his wishes. He is not on Team Dannii any more!

Get him out - where he goes is not your concern.

And yes, once in ten years is TOO MUCH!

OP - choking is very easily done; it doesn't need force and stopping the airflow like a strangulation on TV. A quick grab, and a bone can be broken, the blood vessels to the brain squashed... It is a Huge, Burning Red Flag.
Please get it logged.

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