don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

[Dannii6]

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place :(

When he takes responsibility, by going to the police.

When he takes steps to change his behaviour, by seeking help - NOT under your suggestion, but his own.

When you have been apart for a LONG time - over a year - and he has not reverted to emotional abuse or manipulation, not once.

Realistically once you've lived apart from him for that long you probably won't want to go back to the control of this "relationship". But that is what he has caused by being this way.

He might be sorry - but is he sorry about what he's done or sorry you're reacting to it and that he might lose you?

Saying "it was one mistake" makes me think he thinks this doesn't matter that much. But it does matter, a lot.

One attempt to kill in ten years is nothing to be proud of. A court would not let him off on the grounds that 'it was only once in ten years', a violent assault isn't a kind of freebie you get after putting in a set amount of time. He might have killed you, choking someone isn't a controlled, little bit's ok thing - he was ok with taking that risk with your life and his the moment he reached from your throat.

I'm so sorry love, you need to get rid. Find someone to love who deserves you.

Men who choke their partners are 10 times more likely to kill them than those who use other forms of violence.

Phone Women's Aid. What you're feeling isn't unusual often victims of domestic violence downplay what has happened to them.

If he's really sorry about his actions then he should live somewhere else and get help. If he really is ashamed about his actions then he should get help because it's the right thing to do and not because he doesn't want to lose you.

He has moved out to give you space yet he is pushing you for an answer so he knows what to say to people!
He hasn't given you the space you need, he is putting you under pressure for an answer.
Keep trying with women's aid.

And well done with sorting out your finances, you need to be financially independent from this man, you can take ID into the bank and do a cash withdrawal.

Good luck x

Well done for calling Womens Aid. I expect they will call you back shortly. If not you should try again.

Please don't tell him what you are doing. Others may be right - he could be acting like he's ashamed of himself now but you don't how he will react if he feels threatened by police action or out of control and at risk of losing you or the children.

I know you believe he wouldn't hurt the children but I don't expect you believed he would physically assault you to the extent that he did. I don't know how social services work - I've never had them involved - does anyone know whether it would be worth contacting them regarding the children's safety and contact arrangements etc?

Why are you opening a new bank account? Does he have access to your other one? The one the bills go out of?

What is the house situation in terms of ownership?

know he is not a danger to the kids. With my all my heart I know he isn't.

I imagine very few parents send their children off with people they suspect would ever harm or restrict contact with.

He's said he'll give you space yet he isn't, he's nagging you for a response.

It's a joint account. We both have cards for it and it where our pay goes into. There are other accounts then that I don't have access to and he transfers money to and from them. He always gives me money if I ask for it though. He's never said I couldn't have it unless we're saving for something. I also have 2 credit cards of my own but am reluctant to use them now as I don't want to get init debt if I'm going to be on my own.
We've lived together for 7 years but the mortgage is in his name. I didn't pass the credit check when we applied.
He's said I could have the house if we do split but I wouldn't stay. He's always have that hold over me

He could have killed you all too easily and he should also have no further access to your children either.

I also think that all the men in your life have let you down in one way or another. I may be wide of the mark here but I saw that you have not spoken to your dad in the past decade either.

What is happening re the wedding; I hope this has now been called off. You must not marry him now.

Would you also consider calling the police or at least get the GP to examine your neck and face?. Photographs should be taken of these areas.

He is begging you to give him another chance because he knows that this time he has finally blown it with you and could be now in serious trouble if you report him. He only cares about his own self ultimately.

He has also been violent towards you before by pushing you onto the bed and threw a rolled up towel at you; that can also be seen as domestic violence. Him saying it will never happen again is a crock of shit; he has been violent towards you before.

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE. And as for this whole idea of his re "anger management" who is he mainly angry at?. If it is solely with you he does not have an anger management problem at all. His problem is with women, such men hate women and all of them.

What do you know about this man in terms of his background?

He kept the mortgage in his sole name for his own reasons and not because you did not pass the credit check.

Have you been paying money into the house?

No. We tried a few banks and the one who agreed to put my name on it to fell through after the surveyor undervalued the house.
His background is normal I suppose. His parents are still happily married after 40 years. He's intelligent. Always worked hard to provide for himself and me and the kids. No warning signs really at all.
In regards to my father. You are right. We are not on speaking terms nor have been for 10 years.
My parents divorced when I was 16 as he had an affair. That's not why we don't speak.
We never got on. He constantly accused my mother of having an affair was verbally and physically aggressive to her on a few occasions.
He was also verbally aggressive to me when I was growing up.

I think it's to late to see my gp now. And I didn't take any photos. The lump on my forehead had gone down and there's just a small bruise there. Still very sore to touch. I have a tiny bruise on my wrist. The size of a 1p coin and my necks just sore. No obvious bruising or anything

Yes smiling eyes. All our pay goes into a joint account and every single bill be pay comes out of it. He does earn more than me but I contribute to everything aswell

I feel like I owe him so much. He was much rock when my mother died and really helped out with everything from cleaning out the house to making sure we had money to pay for the funeral. He took time off work to look after me.
I know it's hard to believe but he's always been an amazing partner. Apart from the odd argument but they are very rare.
I cannot believe this has happened. Where did it come from?
Is it possible it really was a one off?
10 years and he has never scared me like this.
I don't think I can forgive him for this :(

You should still see the GP: these injuries need to be documented officially. Its not too late to see such a person and today too.

I wondered what you learnt about relationships when growing up and to me it seems like you've partnered yourself till now at least with a carbon copy of your dad. Your man has also erroneously accused you of cheating on him and has been physically aggressive too. Your dad did the same with your late mum.

It is only when you have fully extricated yourself from this man that you will perhaps realise how bad this has been and is. Men like this can and do take an awful long time, years even, to recover from and enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme is a must do as well now.

I take it as read the wedding is off.

Oh op, do you see the resemblance between your relationship and your parents' relationship?

It's a good idea for you to start using your own separate account. Find out how much there is in the joint savings (as a bare minimum) and potentially take out half. (Might be worth getting legal advice on this). You can also freeze joint accounts, which stops either of you creating more debt or taking money - however, as I said earlier, it takes both of you to unfreeze it again and in the meantime, no money would go in or out (direct debits etc). But if you don't need the savings to use right now, it might be worth thinking about putting a stop on the savings account if you can.

I cannot believe this has happened. Where did it come from?

Who knows, he is not your project to analyse in such a manner. You need to keep your own self safe. I maintain that men like he hate women, all of them. He has tried to maintain the act but that is all that it is; an act and the mask has come off before now too. Abuse is about having power and control over the other person.

"Is it possible it really was a one off?"
No. He has been physically violent towards you before now as well. Pushing you onto the bed and the rolled up towel throwing towards you were two examples.

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none. What has happened to you is shocking but you must not and cannot minimise what has happened to you.

OP I think it's perfectly reasonable to see the good in him. I don't believe that anyone is totally good or totally bad. We are human and we all have a bit of both in us. I believe you when you say that the mortgage is in his name only for all of the right reasons. Unfortunately, this bad incident is just not one that you can risk over-looking. You deserve to be safe. Your son deserves his mother to be as safe as she can be.

it's committed by men like your partner who justify their behaviour as a "reaction" to something you did and then turn on the crocodile tears afterwards

Yes. A million times yes.

He's not crying because he's sorry. He's crying because he thinks you'll leave him/call the police.

Choking is one of the the most serious forms of domestic violence and assault. It can kill in seconds and it takes very little pressure.

Will you report to the police? I understand if you're not quite at that point yet, so here's another way of getting it officially recorded: go to your GP. Get checked out properly- attempted strangulation can do damage that's not immediately apparent, and get it recorded officially. That way youve got an official record.

Call women's aid. It's more than serious enough.

I don't know if I will go to the police. I probably won't. I think he's suffered enough.
I feel deflated right now. I can't believe someone I've been with so long. Someone I am supposed to be marrying in a few weeks has done this.
He's said I should forgive him as he's never done it before and won't do it again.
I want to believe him but I can't.
So I guess my weddings off. I'll have to explain to family what's happened which may not seem like a big deal but I am a very private person. I do not open up to people and I hate sympathy and pity.

Have Women's Aid returned your call yet?
When are you expecting your children to be back?

You should arrange to see a GP today but that is probably difficult if you need to be in when your children get back.

Have you sorted out any important documents and found a safe place to keep them yet?

Please go to the police. You can report it as an incident but ask them to take no further action atm. It will be then be recorded so that if he does anything similar in the future the police will be aware that it isn't a 1st offence.

He nearly kills you and you feel you owe him, well maybe you did but not now he has nearly choked you to death, not normal or in any way acceptable no matter what the circumstances, it shows a fundamental lack of control, bet he's not assaulted anyone else though huh.

OP, if you want to try again with him you will need to give both of you a long time separation trial, you can't just sweep this under the carpet, it's huge, he's not suffered at all btw, it's you who is suffering, coward and weak, weak excuse for a human being, sorry but I detest violence, especially against a defenceless woman!

No I've had no phone call yet. I'll give it an hour and try ringing them again.
I told him I want them back by 5 so they can their tea and their bath before bed.
I just don't understand how a person can change like that in a blink of an eye.
I know he's done those 2 things in the past but it wasn't as severe as it sounds if that makes sense. I never felt frightened of him.
I don't feel frightened of him now but I was scared that night and I think if we were to stay together and argue then I would feel nervous and I don't want to live like that.
I've put my car documents. Mine and kids passports etc. In my glove box in my car. It has a lock so he can't get into it. He wouldn't try anyway I don't think.
Everyone's going to be so shocked and I know some people are going to blame me or try to make me 'see sense' and give him another chance. It's the second anniversary of my mothers death tomorrow and I'm just not feeling strong enough right now to deal with all this :(

You are excusing what is shit behaviour even before, throwing things at you is just abnormal, do you not see that, it's almost as though you feel you deserved it - nobody should strike or hit or throw anything at anyone full stop!

You don't have to tell anyone apart from a close confidant, nobody needs to know your business, if you allow him to return and sweep it under the carpet you are telling him it's ok, I hope you soldier on and make sure he's under no illusion that you will not tolerate not just the choking but the throwing things at you - he needs help OP, it's not normal.