don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

[Dannii6]

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place :(

Going to the police is the only normal thing to do in this situation.

Doing anything else would indicate that you are already trained to accept abuse, already trained to put what is best for him ahead of what is right and normal.

Report it to the police.

Goodness me OP!!!

Please listen to the people on here. They are right!!

And I would bet my house that he has a tonne of money stashed away, which is why you don't get access to it. But go to the bank and get it sorted tokay x

Words are so cheap, actions speak volumes, not the first time he has attacked you either, unless he actually does something rather than saying I am sorry then I'd not have him back, I mean, really do something, go see his GP and see if he can get help to control himself fgs.

Your minimization of his violent behaviour is chilling and heartbreaking, and many other posters have reiterated how serious his violent bahviour is.

A (very important) note on his offer to seek anger management :

"Anger management focuses on that person’s inability to control their anger and what triggers these emotions, and this can be counterproductive for an abusive partner. Examining what triggers their anger can reinforce the idea that the victim is responsible for the violence. This takes the abuser off the hook for their actions.

Anger management courses do not address issues of power and control within a relationship, which are the source of domestic violence. A better option would be an intervention program that does focus on these issues, which are often referred to as Batterer Intervention & Prevention Programs (or BIPPs)."

From : www.thehotline.org/2014/07/intervention-programs-for-abusive-behavior/

My ex choked me, just like your DP did with you. I had only a bit of bruising, stiffness and I minimised the fuck out of it at the time. With time and hindsight, the full enormity of what he so nearly did horrifies me. I'd say I was seconds away from brain damage, minutes away from death.

Women's Aid took me more seriously than I thought they would. Like you, I felt it was for women experiencing violence and I just didn't classify my ex as violent. I had all the excuses for him. If we had had kids I'd have sworn that he would never have harmed them either. WA were amazing. Life changing. I will be forever grateful and I feel that I truly do owe them for saving my life. I logged it with the police months later when I was stronger, just to have it on record if he was to come back into my life.

I would not be the slightest bit surprised if some day I'll open a paper and see my ex up for murder of a partner. In fact, when I google him, some stuff has been removed from search engines about him and I'd love to know what it was - I'd bet my salary it was something to do with violence.He comes across as the kind of guy that wouldn't hurt a fly. Most of them do.

Start with just talking to Women's Aid. It will take a while to sink in and your natural reaction is to want to believe the best of him. But keep talking to WA. Keep talking here.

So I've spoken to WA and citizens advice. I've got an appointment to see one of their advisors tomorrow. Was feeling really confident and clearer headed.
Then later on I asked my best friends advice. She's also been friends with dp for years and her dh is his best friend.
I asked her what she though of everything and she said that only I could make that decision and she'd support me no matter what I decide.
However she did say she honestly believes it was just a moment of madness and that she doesn't think he'd ever be stupid enough to do that again because he loves me so much.
My heads all over the place. I want more than anything to believe it was a one off moment of madness but I can't.

No you cant. Don't doubt that your friend will also be thinking of the group dynamic and having to choose sides as well. Noone wants that so it'll be more comfortable for her to believe it's a one off.

But it's not a one off, he assaulted you before.

I think you are going to let it go, up to you but honestly OP you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position, what happens next time he loses it, how or why would he react different, he clearly cannot control himself and I'm afraid to say, when it comes to you, thinks he actually has a right to physically force or over power you so sweeping it under the carpet and carrying on changes nothing.

Keep him away, let him prove to you by seeking help and admitting it cos it sounds to me like he just wants it forgotten but it's not his neck that was wringed and choked was it.

You will get all sorts of opinions, the only one that matters is your own, be true to you, love you more than him.

A lot of people have told me to leave him

What you said up thread OP, clearly not everyone agrees with your friend.

It's great that you've got a WA appointment. Hope they help you.

With respect to your wedding, you do have the option to postpone (call the date off) but remain in your relationship for the moment. We'd all like you to leave, but you have lots of options!

I guess your friend is still in the disbelief stage that you were, those early hours when you just want it all to go back to normal. It's even easier for her to dismiss it as she didn't feel his fingers around her neck, and it's not her child at stake of losing mum.

I suppose it's hard for others who know him to accept. I'm struggling to accept it myself. I can see you all eye rolling now but he is a good man. Thats what I'm struggling to get my head around. I know I should leave and the wheels are in motion.
Tbh that's been the easy part. I just want to understand how and why he did something so out of character. There have been 2 small incidents in the past but I never felt frightened.
He's not a monster and this is way out of character which is why I'm so confused. I just what to understand what happened that night

You will never understand OP cos you yourself would never behave in that way, he chooses to be controlling and violent with you, nobody makes him, I am sorry but there is just no way on earth he is a good man, good men do not even contemplate never mind actually do stuff like this, I think you have become desensitised and are minimising to convince yourself it is no big deal, it's 3 incidents with the latest one nearly resulting in you needing hospitalised - imagine your daughter telling you the story, would you agree he sounded a good man?

Just because you never felt frightened before does not make it right, it's actually pretty abnormal to assault or intimidate your partner, in fact, anyone unless it was in self defence.

I don't think you are going anywhere so please just make sure that one more strike and he really is gone.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before; he wasn't physically violent but I honestly believe with all my heart that had I stayed with him, that would've been next. He had all the characteristics of a violent partner and his pattern of verbal and emotional abuse was textbook. I tried to make excuses for him and I kept telling myself it would get better - but it didn't - it only got worse. Before I knew it I was in a seriously abusive, controlling, possessive and scary relationship and was shocked at myself and how I'd allowed it to get to the stage it did.

Abusive partners are like that... it's gradual, manipulative, makes you question yourself, doubt yourself... it's always the same but sadly, it tends to be a slippery slope - once they get away with it once... they'll do it again... and again.

That feeling you have that it can never be the same... that fear that you'll spend your life walking on eggshells around him; that is real. That is your gut SCREAMING at you to get away from this man. You must not marry him. Be strong, for you and your children, and get out of there. If your gut feels something is wrong - then something IS wrong. There are so many times I wish I'd listened to my gut instinct - I always do now.

And don't forget it wasn't just a choke, he also assaulted you across the face with a controller - Jesus, a mad moment, really, I don't think so, I think he knows exactly what he is doing, the relationship is very toxic and once violence creeps in it very rarely disappears. Even if it does, you will have this hanging over you the whole time you are with him, that he has assaulted you 3 times so far..........a lot of women convince themselves that A, they deserved it for antagonising and B, he just lost control.

Neither are correct.

You have only been with him ten years, still time to start again and fgs, please do not sell yourself short by tying yourself to this thug by marrying him.

OP, you've had a lot of great advice on this thread. Please observe it for you and your children. Leopards do not change their spots ever. What happened to you would be a deal breaker for me in an instant.

Women should always have a "running away" fund somewhere. I am not saying that OP was wrong not to have one, sometimes it doesn't enter the radar, so why bother? But it is something that we should all do. Just in case.

Anyway, I wish you the very best OP, and I really hope that as a start, the wedding is off anyway. Move on from that point.

Just to mention, in Ireland the other day, a Deputy Head teacher killed his wife and three sons with an axe and knives, and then killed himself. Outwardly they were the pillars of society, no history of mental illness or depression in the murderer (not that that excuses anything either). That really made me think about the old saying "no one knows what goes on behind closed doors"

It made me shiver aswell, that poor murdered family.

Take care, and take note.

He will of course have lots of good qualities, and have done many good things as a partner and father, but his behaviour with you was beyond horrible. And people with knowledge on this thread have highlighted that he remains a risk to you, even to your life.

I also wonder if, on reflection, there have been other things that were abusive in other, financial or emotional ways , eg harking back to / seeking to make you feel guilty for your long-ago infidelity, hiding money, not giving you space to think now.

Is he home, did he go away at all?

No he's not a good man. Good men don't ever even their maddest moments strangle people. Normal people do not ever do this . Your friend, sadly, has her own agenda and benefits to you sliding this back under the table, she does not have your best interests at heart. This is not a decision anyone gets to make for you, no one except the person who lives with and shares a bed with that man gets to decide if they're ok living every day with the risk of being killed by him if he happens to have a bad day/get jealous/lose his rag.

If you go with 'moment of madness, will probably never happen again' - then that means you have to be open minded about him killing you. You may not get a second chance. As people have said here, you can't choke someone 'safely' or a 'little bit', its too easy to break a bone or squeeze a blood vessel and that's it. Dead. Are you up for him trying again and seeing whether you live through the next attempt?

So glad you have the WA appointment, well done.

No he left. He's at his parents house

I am honestly taking all of you advice seriously. And you've all given me food for thought.
I know the right the to do and I know I have to do it. It's still hard though. 10 years I have been with this man. He's the father of my children. We're supposed to be getting married in a few weeks and now in the blink of an eye everything has changed.
He's no longer the man I thought he was. Someone who'd always love and protect me and support me through everything.
He's someone who's capable of hurting me and did hurt me :(

Well that's good, make him stay away, tell him you need time and space, it's the least he can do!

Pushing, slapping are bad enough but to actually strange you is really putting your life at risk or could indeed cause some brain damage, I don't understand how you can excuse that as a moment of madness - it wasn't, he meant it OP or else he'd not have done it in the first place, I don't understand how you can even have any respect for him never mind fear of him.

I hope you keep him away, tell him now there has been 3 incidents so unless he goes and gets professional help it's all over.

If he says no, it was a moment of madness then that tells you that he thinks it's pretty much ok to assault you when he loses control.

I can see you all eye rolling now but he is a good man.

Not all violent men, murderers, rapists and so on .... are 'bad' men 100% of the time. On the contrary, most are normal, charming, funny, kind, likeable, hard working, sweet natured and so on. They don't have 'violent pig' tattooed on their foreheads and go around growling at everyone.

How many times have you read 'I never thought he was capable of doing something like that' ....'I just can't believe he could do that' ....'he's the last man on earth I could imagine doing something like that' .... and so on.

Your friend described what he did to you as a 'moment of madness' and that he loves you too much to do it again. So what happens next time he gets a 'moment of madness'? Do you honestly think he's going to stop and go 'oh no, I love her too much so I won't choke her this time?'

Your 'good man' is capable of violence. He's shown it already, twice. The most recent time he put his hands around your throat. Just knowing the man you are living with, sleeping with and God forbid, married to, is capable of doing that, should be enough to have you running for the hills.

Every woman who was persuaded to stay with a violent man, was persuaded by the begging, pleading, promises never to do it again, pledges to get anger management, counselling, whatever it takes'. And no doubt some were also persuaded by the words of well meaning friends and family telling her to 'give him another chance'. But sadly too many of them find out the hard way they should have left after the first incident, and never looked back.

Your friend cannot know he will never do it again, she cannot know anything about what this man is capable of. She is just another outside observer, one of those, who after the event will be shaking her head and saying ''he's the last person on earth I could imagine doing something like that".

for you

Gah, this all is far too close to home for me. Danii I don't know if it helps at all, but I am in the same situation as you- my only saving grace is that I do not have children to think about.

My H slapped me on the arm a couple of weeks ago, he has also been doing the crying, telling me he'll do anything to keep me etc. I am the same as you - I don't know if I believe him. He has started counselling and we are going to Relate. However I don't know if I can ever move past the violence or the constant fear/eggshells of upsetting him.

This time it was a slap (which hurt like hell), last time he had his hands around my neck and pushed me on the bed. There's been shoving and pushing too. He's punched me too. I know where you are and you need to get out, if not for your yourself but for your kids. They will not be messed up or anything, they will be eternally grateful to have you around.

I speak from personal experience- someone close to me was in an abusive marriage and she had 2 kids...my family and I ended up raising those kids because the husband murdered their mother.

Get out whilst you can