don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

[Dannii6]

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place :(

[Dannii6]

Just had this text message....

Ok, well I really hope you can forgive me, I understand I've done wrong. I really do love you more than I ever knew, I'll do anything to put this right and I promise you I'll never react the way I did the other night, I'll always discuss any feelings I have with you without jumping to conclusions,
I don't know and I'm trying to understand what happened to me Saturday, maybe I had something buried down deep, and I know you don't believe me when I say this but I do trust you more than ever, and I'll never show you any sign of aggression ever, and if you ever feel threatened then Just tell me and I'll leave, I never want to see you or the kids upset ever again

I hope all this makes sense and you read it the way I'm trying to write it (that probably makes less sense) but honestly I just want to say I love you.xx




What should I do :(

[gamerchick]

Ignore it for now. you don't need to answer any of that woe is me crap. Once you get in a text conversation he'll be thinking it's closer to being ok. Let him stew.

[DoreenLethal]

You might want to think about sending him a link to non-fatal strangulation being a key red flag for eventual death and say 'I have no choice now. You made yours which was to attempt to strangle me - and now I am making mine which is to end this relationship and get away from you as fast as I can.'

You are now 8 times more likely than the general female population of being killed by your partner. :(

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/

[LauraMipsum]

What should I do

Take the text message to the police, change the locks and tell him that the staying at his mum's arrangement is permanent. Is what I (hope I) would do.

[WellErrr]

He could have killed you. Just remember that.

[MidnightPixie3]

1. Don't reply!
   
   He is trying to manipulate you and rush you into making the decision he wants you to make.
   
   
2. Don't delete the msg
   
   He has owned up to being aggressive to you and making you feel threatened. You may need this in the future.
   
   
3. Go to the police.
   
   Get the assault logged AND the fact that he tried to move himself back in to your house after you had asked him to leave.
   
   
4. Go to your GP
   
   You need to know that you are physically ok. Your children will depend on you alone at least for the near future.

[FreeFromHarm]

You need to take a screenshot of your neck ...there should be bruises.
YOU are not listening, you must call the police and make a statement
This is serious.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

Do get your GP or practice nurse to check your throat love. You're all kinds of shaken up, you may not be fully aware if you're hurt, and throat and neck is a fragile area.

[Dannii6]

I don't have any bruises on my neck. It just feels very sore and stiff when I turn my head. I've got a lump and bruise on my forehead and a tiny bruise on my wrist.
I have taken photos of the bruises. More to remind myself what he did when they disappear.
I know some of you think I'm stupid for minimising it but I can't help it. I suppose it's helping me cope with what happened

[FruitCider]

OP you really need to leave your house with your child and run as fast as you can.

You said on your other thread that he had control when he strangled you? 2 big red flags right there.

Please try ringing women's aid tonight. Well done for sorting your documents out, that's a massive start

[Jac1970stone]

I have just finished this year a relationship of control and domestic violence and wish I had ended it years ago. Please don't make the same mistake. I am still struggling with maintenance and him seeing (and hitting) my DS but I know I did the right thing ending it. So not get married to him please. Go and see the bank and urgently ask their advice on the account. Safer Places another charity were also helpful. Good luck. Xx

[Dannii6]

Thanks fruitcider. I do appreciate all the advice you've given me.
I wouldn't say I've put him before my kids. I do not believe he is a danger to them. Naive? Possibly. But 10 years has to count for something. I do know him. This is isn't him and I do not feel scared of him at this moment. He isn't here now. He's left the house.
Though I am not scared of him. I don't think I'll ever be the same around him. Every time and argument looks set to start I know I will feel nervous and I can't live like that.
I know I need to leave but I can't do that overnight. If he refused to leave the house then I would've thought of something but he did and I now I need to get as much information as I can on how to leave from a practical and financial aspect.
Will I be entitled to any benefits. I work full time and can work around the kids so that probably won't change.
Will I get help with housing costs? For example paying rent if I go private. How would I afford to furnish a new home. I'm sure I can have most stuff from my house now but if not what should I do.
There's so much going through my head right now. I've never been on my own and now I am completely alone except for my kids. My mind is also clouded by the time of year and I'm worried that's affecting my judgement. Making me feel like I can't be on my own and be a single mother

[Dannii6]

I just don't want my children to suffer. I want to know I can look after and provide for them properly

[thestamp]

Yes it feels scary to think of being alone.

But for God's sake, think of your children. You will risk leaving them motherless because you're afraid of being alone. Please just think of them, put them first, how on earth can you even contemplate putting yourself and them in harm's way just because some violent, vile criminal wants you to get back in your box and take him back?

Please, please, I beg you to put your children first here. Their lives and happiness and safety HAVE TO be put ahead of your fears about being alone....

[thestamp]

how are you going to provide for them after he has murdered you?

you will furnish a home. you will provide for and care for them. But only if you're alive. He tried to kill you, he will kill you in the end if you let this carry on.

Please think of your children. Not their material needs... but their need for you, alive.

[FreeFromHarm]

21 years counted for nothing and trust me , it will take planning but it will be the best thing you will ever do for yourself and your dc, it will only escalate.

[FreeFromHarm]

I have escaped...I have a job, a roof over our head and the dc are safe and happy, what more is there than that ???
If you make the report you will hopefully get legal aid and protection, it is paramount you listen to everyone .

[CaptainMarvelDanvers]

As far as we know Reeva Steenkamp was emotionally but not physically abused yet she was still killed by her abusive partner of 4 months. Abuse is not always obvious, it's how abusers get away with it so long.

You've been given a serious clear warning of his future behaviour. If he's seriously about getting help then he has to stop putting pressure on you to make a decision and take initiative, leave you alone and seek that help. He made a choice, if had killed you then he would have been punished. Why should it get to that stage before he feels consequences of his actions?

You are worth more OP, so much more!

[MidnightPixie3]

When I left my ExP I had a 22mth old ds (with autism), i was 5 mths pregnant and i had £40 a cot and a bag of clothes. Almost 11 years on i have so much more. I have a home, my independence, 3 beautiful and happy children and a DP who i know would do absolutely anything for me (and i probably take him for granted sometimes). We also have lots of material belongings but it all took time.

You will get there.

[Grx1]

Hi I work at women's aid and strangling/ choking a partner is a high risk indicator. Were the children in the house when this incident occurred?
Children are affected by abuse even if you think they are unaware.
This incident should be reported to the police, even if you decide not to pursue the complaint it will be logged and you may need this one day in the future.
Finances shouldn't come into it you will be able to get some support and taking the children away from this man is not a bad thing, they will still see him but in an environment that is safe.
You can call one of the 24 hour dv helplines you are not wasting anyone's time and you can also contact your local woman's aid for some confidential advice.

[Atenco]

I know some of you think I'm stupid for minimising it but I can't help it. I suppose it's helping me cope with what happened

I think it is the most natural thing in the world actually OP. Your world has been turned upside down in a matter of minutes, who wants that?

However, no matter how convincing his sorry is, some things cannot be changed. My ex hit me and them broke into tears with remorse, I ended up consoling him. Then I think he felt he had a license to hit me.

[Mwahah]

Dannii you are not stupid for minimising it. It's textbook. And denying stuff happened, and making excuses. It's all normal in these circumstances. Call women's aid, and get the number for your local domestic Abuse team. Call them. You are not wasting anyone's time; that is why they are there and they will want to help you.
Whether you accept it or not, you are in danger either way. And yes, your children will absolutely have been/will be affected. Even if it's just in the subtle ways that some people control and coerce others to gain power and control. Be a good example.
There will be people who judge. They'll judge you now 'why would you stay?' And they'll judge you when you leave. But this is your life, and they haven't walked in your shoes, and you need to protect your children.
And if you're in any doubt, go and read his text msg again. It's all about him. You must have been petrified. Go get some help. You can do this xx

[FruitCider]

Absolutely agree with the others that your response is classic, which is why I've taken rather a hard line explaining to you the danger you are currently in. So if I seem bossy, it's for a reason

[WannaBe]

OP, even if he is genuinely remorseful and this is a one off incident and he genuinely never hurt you again, it's ok to end a relationship because of a one off incident which might never occur again.

It's ok for a one off incident to be a permanent deal-breaker in any relationship.

There are some lines which once crossed can never be un-crossed. Violence is one of those.


You're in a place right now where ten years counts for a lot, and in your case even more because you have come through your own infidelity and in some way you possibly feel as if you didn't deserve that so how is it that it has come to this after five years of reconciliation? Except all relationships have ups and downs, and what is serious five years ago doesn't count when something new enters the equation and changes things.

People telling you to think about how your children are going to feel when you' ex been murdered are not helpful, however well-intentioned those statements. but the fact is, you are already recognising that every time you have an argument you will be wondering what is going to happen now. Do you want to live the rest of your life like that? Do you want to promise eternity to someone on that basis? And if the answer to those questions is no, then what are you waiting for?