STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

Everyone saying mil should suck it up and put her son first.......shouldnt the OW do that too?
He is not her son and she had a hand in splitting up his parents so the decent thing to do would be to let the parents enjoy their sons day. Why should SM trump mum?

I think your mil has every right to protect herself and despite the calls that she is selfish i think she is doing it for her son too. No awkward atmosphere on the big day.

If she is adamant she wont go could you get her involved in the preperations?
This might make ger change her mind if she is caught up in the excitement of the planning and if it doesnt at least it will feel like she had a part in it.

I would also say a few words of thanks for mum if she is absent, thank her for her love and support and the help she gave towards the big day.

I feel really sorry for the mum. I would hate to be in a situation where i could be gossiped about or made to remember how this women was better than me and my husband preffered her.

**Disclaimer. Yes i know it was the scumbag husband who broke the vows but i have no respect for them or OW.

It's up to her and she shouldn't be pressured into attending something she doesn't feel able to. I can say quite categorically that in this situation, my actual parents would be at the wedding and OW wouldn't get an invite. Whatever the history, she simply has less right to be there given that she is NOT a parent.

Agree entirely with imperial too.

If FiL's wife had any class she'd decline the invitation.

I believe that MiL is really afraid that she won't be able to keep her mouth shut and doesn't want to ruin the occasion.

My marriage ended eighteen months ago after I discovered DH's affair and I made him leave. I won't bore you with the details but the absolute heartbreak and devastation has changed me fundamentally. I feel worse now than I did then and although everyone thinks I am over it and optimistic, I know that I will never trust or share my life with someone again. It's not bitterness or anger, I just won't be able to do it. When I think of the next half of my life it is bleak and lonely.

On top, I have to watch the love of my life build a new life with someone else and it hurts like nothing else.

My kids think I'm over it but it breaks my heart that this woman is in their life. They don't know the half of it and never will. Just awful that I will have to share future family events, like their weddings, with her.

When mine get married, if they want to invite her, I will not say a word. I'll do it because I won't want them to feel like your DP. But a day that should be happy and wonderful, and anticipated over months of excitement, will be truly honestly dreaded. To see her inserted in my kids' lives, to see her with stbxh, to see her laughing with and forgiven by wider family, to see her in photos. Awful.

I feel for your DP's mum op. To miss the wedding of your own child, imagine how she must feel to do that. I think she will regret not coming. Talk to her.

What imperial said.

Mil should be invited because of the relationship with groom. His mum. You would nt invite two people one of whom had injured the other physically would you? Or emotionally then?

Nobody knows what went on in someone's marriage twenty years ago. Very easy to paint the FIL and his now DW as the perpetrators of all this bitter feeling but affairs are rarely black and white and it's entirely possible that the marriage was unsustainable. The fact is that the DP's dad married the woman he left his marriage for and they are still together. She is no longer the OW, she is his wife, and his children have a relationship with her.

Twenty years on the MIL's refusal to move on says far more about her than anyone else. Living with that much bitterness is not healthy and nobody should be endorsing it twenty years on.

I was the second wife in this situation (not OW). It is natural that your DH wants both his parents there on one of the most important days of his life. In my case I was invited but my DH sat at the top table as did his ex wife, and I sat at another table with other family members. That was absolutely fine with me - although I was surprised at how many people thought I should be sitting with my DH. We are not joined at the hip and it wasn't about me; I was glad to be invited.

I think it's unrealistic not to invite someone who has been a part of your DH's life and close family for many years. That being said, if my DH's ex had said that she would not attend if I was there then I would have made an excuse and not attended.

My ex-DH went off with my best friend years ago. We did not spend any time in the same room until DCS started to get married and have children . There is no way I would have missed these events because of ex and ow attending. I just made sure I looked as good as possible and surrounded myself with friends. ( It was much more awkward for OW as some of the women had been her friends too until she did the dirty on me) . We even managed to share the top table at DD wedding though my DP was between us!

What will FIL say if his wife is uninvited? Your DH wouldn't want to be in a position where he had to choose between his parents, surely?

I can see both sides here, but ultimately it was two decades ago and I wouldn't miss my son's wedding for any reason. I think your MIL needs to be told it is her choice, but her son will be devastated if she chooses to not attend. Failing that, ask his stepmother to step back, IF this isn't likely to cause too many issues with FIL.

I don't think this is just about the wedding though. What will you do when you have children? Christenings? Birthdays?

I think you need an honest conversation here - you cannot hold 2 different events because they can't be in the same room. And you can't start now. So everyone is invited to everything (and she needs to realise that your FiL's wife will be Grandma as well as her) and they can come or not come as they want. but that is the precedent from your wedding and the expectation going forward.

Julius, you can't compare the two situations. You are his second wife who has been in the children's life a long time. You didn't help cause the break up of a marriage, or any of the hurt that went with it.

You can't compare a step mum to an OW.

I dont see why mil feeling come below everyone else. Just because somebody decides 20 years is long enough get over it does not make it right.
For some losing their marriage envokes grief and reliving that grief is an unfair request.
Mum has every right to be bitter and i dont think she should be punished or called selfish for feelings she cannot help.
It would break my heart to think i had caused my mum pain by forcing her in to a situation i know would hurt her just for my own selfish reasons.

As for dad and wife well they come away unscathed yet again dont they
Child and mum are being upset, having to compromise and sacrifice yet those to are doing what makes them happy without any thought for the others involved AGAIN.
It is those 2 who are being selfish in this not mum.

On the other hand, if I were the MIL I think it might break my heart to have ruined my son's wedding day because I couldn't cope with being in the same room as his stepmother of 20 years.

DH has a half brother and sister from his dad's previous marriage. That ended in an affair (MIL wasn't the OW) and FIL really hurt his ex wife and children. So much so that he wasn't allowed to see the kids and DH didn't find out about his other siblings until he was in his late teens. Since then we've got to know his brother quite well but sister wanted nothing to do with her dad or half siblings.

We were invited to half brothers wedding but his mum made such a big fuss that the week before he had to call and tell us we weren't invited anymore. He's spoken about it since and has said how embarrassing that was for him and whilst he understood that his mum didn't want to see FIL, he was angry that she couldn't be an adult about something that happened 30 years ago. FIL was upset to not be going and DH was too.

They have recently had had a baby and apparently when his mum saw the card off us she went mad and had a go at him for still being in contact with us despite knowing hoe she felt. He told her that he had forgiven his dad for what had happened and wanted to know his siblings and nephew. He won't pick sides and we're all invited to the christening whether she likes it or not.

You can't compare a step mum to an OW. she's the stepmom now.

They may have been in the wrong twenty years ago but TBH it's impossible to know as what went on was between the three of them. But the MIL is in the wrong now for still making her children choose twenty years on.

Perhaps the fact the MIL is so manipulative is what led to the marriage breakdown in the first place.

If SMIL is uninvited for the wedding, what happens on the birth of children and their parties, school plays and other familiy occasions? My daughter was raised with my SM being her nan, blood plays no role in their relationship. Would your mum expect potential grandkids to carry on this vegaviour and deny their other nan?

As a parent, you put your kids first. This happened 20 years ago not last year.

I'd go along the lines of reassuring mum they be kept seperate and that there would be lots of people there so it's not like they have to socialise, just be in the same location.

Her choice.

My Dad's OW is not invited to my engagement thing (we are marrying alone). They've been together for many, many years. In part I guess it depends on the relationship your DP has with his Dad & Stepmum. Too much has gone on with mine. I'm having a small gathering of closest family and to have her there would be disingenuous and would make ME feel uncomfortable. If my Dad felt strongly about the exclusion he would have to decline (he hasn't). We aren't close so this wouldn't trouble me.

We had a similar situation in my family. DF wouldn't come if DSF was there. DSF raised us. Then df decided he would come because he wanted to "talk to" DSF. DGP also fighting over this. So we eloped.

behaviour not vegaviour

I understand MIL's position but I think she'll be so sad on the day of the wedding if she doesn't see her son get married. Please ask her to come to the actual ceremony and designate a particular person (single young man, one of DH's friends) to take care of her. If she wants to skip the reception fair enough.

I can never understand why the 'step-parent' in these situations just doesn't have the grace and dignity to politely decline the invitation; they can have a separate celebration with the married couple on another occasion but surely most reasonable people could manage to stay away from the 'big day' ............. I remember a thread years ago from the 'step-parent' throwing a strop because it was she who had been asked to stay away. You don't have to go everywhere your DH goes, surely the wishes of the person getting married are the most important here?

TheGreatDessert that's fair enough as nth parents should be putting your thoughts and feelings first.

If you'd have wanted all there, I'd still expect good parents to put your feelings first.

If she can share a day with FIL - the person who betrayed her, the person who hurt her, the person who is ultimately responsible for their marriage ending - then why not the OW, the person who didn't promise her anything?

It is worrying that after 20 years, she still doesn't lay the bulk of the blame at her exH's door, but at his OW. This was not actually her fault, it was FILs.

If she said she couldn't be in the same room as him, that actually would be more understandable.

OP I think you might have got different answers on AIBU than Relationships.

I appreciate FIL's wife was the OW but it was now 20 years ago, from what you say none of the adults behaved well and it appears that FIL has gone on to stick with the OW and make a permanent relationship of it.

After 20 years I agree with CallMeMaybe that MIL has to accept that OW is now a stepmother not an OW anymore and put the needs of her son first as there will be weddings, christenings, first birthday parties etc etc all coming up.

What will be said (probably after the day) by fil and ow when they attend and realise mum isn't there?

What does your dh think there reaction wI'll be to this?

Will they not give 2 hoots, will either of them feel sad?

It does not matter what they may think or say but if your oh can work out how they may react then perhaps it may give him a clue as to what their reaction could possibly be if you suggest fil attends alone.

I agree with imperial too. The pain and anguish this will cause to Mil is awful and it's not just the day. It will be all the build up whether she attends or not and horrible aftermath if she doesn't attend. Will you sensor photos any video or will she not want to risk sering any at all at risk of being hurt more by a special day she's missed out on.

Mil just stands to be hurt/be put through turmoil even more no matter if she attends or not.

Imo - it should be suggested that ow does not attend. Ffs - she hot everything else she wanted why does she want or need her husbands ex wife's so 's wedding day as well?