STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

Within my family structure there are no step people, and all the people I am closest to are related to me via genetics. Either I share a common ancestor or their descendent share dna with mine.

It might be difficult for some people to imagine a situation that's different I think hence the blood comment.

Really, headlfthehive?

So everyone in your family has procreated with a blood relative ?

How many generations does this go back for ?

Don't you worry about the risks of this for any children you might have ?

You're right, I do find it hard to imagine a situation like yours in 21st century Britain .

HeadoftheHive that is truly bizarre.
Don't any of you have horns or three eyes?

I've been in the OPs position. My DF left DM for OW and, quite understandably, spent years being very bitter about it. My siblings and I went through years of DM refusing to be in the same room with DF & OW to the point where my siblings actually decided not to get married to avoid the awkwardness and upset. They had children before me and would hold separate birthday parties so DM could avoid DF.

In the end, after about 15 years of dealing with it I confronted my DM and we had a blazing row. By this point I had met DH and wanted a proper wedding with all my family in the same room to celebrate. I'll tell you what I told her-as children we had NO SAY about DF leaving, we had NO CONTROL over when we were allowed to see him and when we were not and as you kept reminding us at the time (when we were heartbroken) that DF had left you and not us. For those reasons I expect you to suck it up and manage to be in the same room as him and OW (who was married to DF by then) for a few hours for the sake of your children and grandchildren. I am not expecting you to speak to them. Keep out of their way and they'll keep out of yours but BE THERE!!

She was very upset with me but I must have said something that home because from that day on she went to every single function and eventually saw me and all of my other siblings walk down the aisle. She even managed to make polite conversation with OW (took about 10 years though!)

I know what I've just said will be very controversial but I'm sorry I really do think that the injured party has to suck it up sometimes for the sake of their children's happiness. We can all do it if we need to. I'm sure we all come across people in day to day like whom we dislike but have to be polite to. Why is this any different?

I think you misunderstand or I haven't explained it well.

I share Dna with my ancestors, obviously, therefore my nieces and nephew are likely to share some common dna.
My sil married to my DB, shares Dna with her children - her descendant as I do.

My nieces baby for example my children (descendant) will be related genetically I.e. Share some DNA with the baby.

There are no step children I know of, or step mums, dads. Obviously I can only go back as far as my grandparents and their offspring.

" I haven't explained it well. "

Just a bit......it sounded like you had all been marrying your cousins for generations.

Anyway , that is very good for you. Not sure what your point is.

I think there is quite a high proportion of adults out there who are not the biological offspring of their fathers. This is particularly the case for those who born during - or after World War 2. Mostly everyone just gone with life when husbands returned from the Front, and if people had their suspicions, they may well have kept quiet. The men who'd been away were as likely to have been unfaithful as the women who'd had more freedom on the Home Front.

Meanwhile the 'blood' model of family life excludes and same sex couples with children - even if there's been a civil partnership, marriage, donor conception/adoption etc. Blood family = straight family.

That people in families like mine may not be able to relate to the thought if a step person

well use your imagination or empathy or something then HeadoftheHive.
Alternatively continue making irrelevant smug comments.

Of a step person in the family and not know how they would feel.

It's not smug I'm not saying I have difficulty but was replying to the blood comment.

Headofthehive55

I can safely say that the most abusive person (mainly through length of contact) in my life is my brother, he got away with so much because 1/ he was the golden child and 2/ because "he's your brother" was a favourite mantra from my mother.

It took me a long time to realise that I didn't take that sort of shit from others and I didn't have to take it from him.

So "of the same blood" shouldn't be taken as the be all and end all.

If you're still reading this OP and STBDH, ignore everything you have read on here. So much projection clouding people's views.

Your DH is not responsible for your STBMILs happiness or otherwise. It is not possible to make someone happy who chooses not to be, it's also not down to him if STBFIL chooses to ignore his ex wife's feelings.

The only thing your STBDH can do is let them both know that he loves them and wants them there, that they need to work it out between them and leave him out of it. Then turn up in the day looking gorgeous and drink champagne with you.

Obviously you don't value someone who is blood related to you just because they are blood related to you ignoring things like abuse and arseholes. But, if you find yourself in a position where what you do might hurt one of two adults who weigh in quite equally in lots of other respects in your life, I'd put blood above non blood. I still stand by that.

If there would be a clash of personalities when inviting people to a party I would choose my mother and father first, over and above a step parent figure. I wouldn't automatically pick a third cousin twice removed over a step parent figure though, because the equivalence isn't there - the blood weighting is much less as they're less related so things like how long I've known the person and how much time we spend together would weigh in more heavily.

If someone who is closely related to you treats you badly then they have already stepped outside of the reciprocal 'treat blood well' relationship, and so you only owe them how they've treated you in return.

I do not understand the idea of loving a child as much as one I have given birth to, I doubt I could do that - I certainly wouldn't have the part of love for that child that I do for my own that stems from the fact that it is my child, that we're genetically similar. When it smiles I see the facial expressions of my favourite brother, from behind the headshape of my favourite grandma, the feet of her father who I choose to mate with etc. I could love another child but it wouldn't be the same kind of love.

No, Decaf, it's not the same love for each of my DC, as I understand is the case whenever a parent has more than one child: each is loved in their own way.

You might not be able to do it yourself, but I'd hope you would be able to understand that there are plenty of us out there who do indeed love our birth children and our adopted children as much as each other, and are able to love children who we have not delivered ourselves with the intense, so-much-it-hurts, throw myself under a bus for you love that we also feel for children that are related by "blood".

Olenna - you have put that perfectly! I deleted about five replies because it didn't say the right thing

I can understand loving a child that much.

I only have one child.

One of my fears about having another child is that I wouldn't love them as much, or that I would love them more and that it would be too much.

our Dad obviously let you down, that's why you've responded the way you have - it still hurts you that your step dad treated you better than your DNA dad did and it shouldn't have been like that. Your DNA dad should have put blood first - he started, caused and continues your pain by not having done so, not me for pointing it out.

Obviously he did yes, and please don't flatter yourself into thinking I only realised that because of your post

Because my dad was/is a shit, just shows that blood isn't always more important, and some step parents go above and beyond for their step children.

How do we know that mil isn't a manipulating woman who dh is only inviting because he feels he has to? How do we know that his step mother isn't the loveliest most caring woman on the planet?

We don't. How do we know it isn't vice versa? We don't.

Blood means fuck all. How you treat people is what matters.

Im really glad some of you aren't step parents honestly I despair at some of the attitudes on here.

Some step parents come on the scene and make kids life 100 times better, and yet we can only focus on the bad aspect, the cheating and the family breaking up. (Even though we have NO idea what mil FIL and his wife are actually like!)

Like it's okay to really hurt my step parent of twenty years, because they're not blood.

When are you going to hurt your step parent milky?

Anyway, whatever I'm not playing anymore. I don't think it's controversial to think or say that I believe a parent's love, a mother's love for a child or that child's love for their mother is top of the love hierarchy.

If you believe otherwise, super - it doesn't hurt me, and me beliefs don't hurt you either.

I'm not. I'm quite obviously referring to ops dhs stepmother of twenty years.

I'd be surprised if she isn't hurt to be honest.

Of course it's not controversial to love your children more than stepchildren or whatever, that's not the issue here is it!?

Oh and it's a good job you have parents who do care for you because I can assure you if you had a mother similar to how the mil in this thread sounds, I think you would feel differently.

There are so many threads on here about that.

"The love hierarchy".

That makes no sense at all!