STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

Gosh, what a difficult situation. I feel for you and your DP, I really do.

I understand the hurt but it's been 20 years. There is a moment for getting over these things, and the wedding of a beloved child is surely reason to make a bit of an effort. I'm sure that what happened was absolutely devastasting for her, but there is also a time beyond which we have to let those who have hurt us go in order to move on. I appreciate that people are unlikely to have feelings of great love and affection for the OW, but being in the same room after 20 years is not the biggest ask in the world. It should be quite possible for them to avoid each other.

I'm slightly disturbed by the fact that she thinks she won't be able to restrain herself from causing a scene. Is she an emotionally aggressive person? Is she a bit, ahem, emotionally incontinent and likely to have a go at others? This would influence my decision-making on this issue.

I too agree with imperial especially when you say shes not got a partner, going to a wedding might ignite some painful memories of how her marriage ended especially if the OW is present. I would personally invite fil and mil and leave Ow.

I went to my db and sil wedding her parents were split but her poor mother had to sit on the top table with her ex husband and wife and my parents whilst her partner of a year was at another table, you could tell it was extremely uncomfortable for her especially when the SM who had no involvement in the brides childhood got a bunch of flowers.

OOps, posted too soon. One final thought: is she a bit of a drama queen? If so, I think your strategy of reminding her that it's her decision and then accepting it is a great one. You sound emotionally clued up, OP.

Ragwort the SM was the OW in this situation so clearly has no decency, grace or dignity.

Both fil and sm have no feelings towards their son/sson. If they did they would know that having his mum there would mean the world to him and after the hurt and upset their actions caused to his mum they should uninvite the sm themselves.

So your FIL has asked your DP to pick a side, and your DP picked the side of the person who destoyed his mother's life?

Seems like he has no problem "disappointing" people.

imperial has it.

It doesn't matter how mil should feel, the fact is feelings are feelings and aren't necessarily logical or follow a set pattern.

It seems like fils wish to have the ow there (yes, his wife, but still the ow to mil) is trumping mils desire not to see ow. If your fiancée is only just becoming aware of what an issue this is for mil, it sounds like she's done a good job protecting him from her feelings for all these years. Is it really too much to ask that he just invites his two biological parents?

I think it's very sad, but this is nothing to do with her being immature. If I were your DP, I'd tell his dad that his new wife had to sit it out because her presence means his mum won't be there.

No way would I have the ex OW step mother there in place of my blood and my mother especially. Just because 20 years have passed doesn't make what she did okay.

If your fiancée is only just becoming aware of what an issue this is for mil, it sounds like she's done a good job protecting him from her feelings for all these years

Oh that just makes me feel even more for the mum.
Maybe after 20 years mums feelings should be taken in to account and not brushed under the carpet. 20 years is a long time to wait for the pain you felt to be considered

I agree with imperial too.
This is the pain and destruction affairs cause, it lasts forever sadly. And your dp is taking sides, he's willing to invite the man/woman who caused so much pain, prioritising what his father wants over his mothers pain, that is his right, but it is your mil s not to want to see them.
In all honesty I would not invite your fils wife, surely his need for his mother to be there, and hers trumps his fathers wife.
It doesn't sound to me like your mil is being dramatic just hurt and as I said that kind of pain lasts forever they can never undo what they did to mil and to her life no matter how much time has passed.

I think it's a tricky situation however, it sounds likes emotional blackmail from his birth mum. No way should his DF wife of 20 years not go. Of all the posts on this I think shovethehollys mirrors my views on this. Some really great points

Birth mum

Naze, she's not his birth mum, she's his mum.

The OW seems to be getting ALL the blame here, which is not fair. I assume that you and your DH have a reasonable relationship with her or you wouldn't have been thinking of inviting her in the first place.

Clearly your MIL was hurt, but she should put those feelings aside for the sake of her son. You are celebrating your future together, not rehashing their past. I think MIL should be the bigger person and suck it up for her son. What she's doing must be incredibly hurtful to your STBDH. She wants a big drama and I wouldn't give her one. I would accept her at face value.

I feel so sad for her! To feel that way after 20 years means that the pain runs deep.

I actually made a point of getting on with the OW and my ex husband. With this situation being one example. My own father wasn't invited to mine as I hadn't seen him since I was 18. My DSDad gave me away xx

STBMIL needs to get over herself. It's not as if she'll have to speak to her at any point of the day.

I so feel for your DP. My parents have been divorced 35 years but neither have made life difficult for me or my brother. Dad had an affair and child with a woman but that relationship didn't last. Both now have other partners.

At my wedding they both sat at the top table (mum's partner was on a family table at the front). Everyone put a smile on and they were perfectly fine with each other. I am so grateful for that.

As they are both with other people, we have joint Christmas meals together, mum and dad alternatively booking and paying. Mum has made a choice to move on and to choose to make things easier for me by having joint events where everyone sees the children instead of me arranging time separately.

It would be so much harder had mum not made a decision to put a smile on and make small talk.

Congratulations though. Maybe your DP could chat with his mum and dad? Maybe a shift system as a compromise with mum and step mum due to it being such a special event?

Sounds like she's been "getting over herself" for two decades.

Now that her son is a man starting his own family, maybe she has decided that he should make choices as a man and no longer be protected like a little boy.

Part of being an adult is recognising that your parents are people and have feelings.

His mother had her life and marriage devastated.

She is under no obligation to ever be "over" that.

This isn't a matter of who is or was to blame. It's nothing new to have much more hatred to the OW than the person you were married to. Nothing new at all.

I think your FIL is actually the one being manipulative by saying it would mean a lot to have her there and in fact him saying that shows that he knows it's not a given that she would be invited, otherwise he'd have no need to say it.

I have been cheated on in a long term relationship (more than 15 years). I know what that pain is like. However, you do have to move on - not for their sake, but for yours. There is no point living a life that is governed by old bitterness. And, to be honest, there are people who have been through far, far worse in the world.

The only person forcing a choice here is the MIL. Weddings are a public and family event, and there is no reason why the DF's partner of 20 years should be excluded because someone could win an Olympic gold at grudge bearing. I think it would be a totally different story if the divorce were recent, but it happened 2 decades - one whole generation - ago. It is not unreasonable to expect people to be able to be civil to one another and in the same room after all that time. You just pull yourself together, muster all the social grace you can, and smile.

For the record, I have done this with my ex's new partner way sooner than 20 years! My heart was pounding like a sledgehammer for the first 5 minutes, but I got through it gracefully, and it helped me a LOT to move on with my life.

No she may not have to speak to her but she is being asked to share a special day with the women who is living the life mil probably thought she would have.

OW got her man and has had 20 years of the life she wanted. Mil has to get on with fil as they have a child together doesnt mean she has to get along with OW.

What fil and OW wanted 20 years ago was all that mattered and mil had to live with it and here she is again in a positition where what fil and ow want comes before her.

I think mil has been honest and dignified by explaining to her adult son why she wont be there. No blackmail just simply this is how i feel.

At some point something has to give. She has to be able to be in the same place as this woman.
Would she not go to her grandchildren's birthdayp arties/christening/whatever if OW was there? What if the worst happened and her son died, would she not attend the funeral because OW was there?

"OW got her man"

A cheater. Not exactly a great prize, is it? I hate this idea that women are someone in competition with one another for male attention. It's so undignified and disempowering.

Hence the face.

Twenty years and your MIL-to-be is still the victim? That is now a choice, and has been for a very long time.

Is it that your MIL is genuinely finding it difficult, or is it that she is still seeking to exact some kind of revenge and (possibly subconsciously) thinks that stopping Ex-H's wife from being at the wedding will give her that?

The effect of affairs only lasts as long as the people involved give it the power to. My ex had an affair when I was pregnant. I refuse to give either of them the power to have a negative impact on my life - why would I? The only person that would have a worse experience because of that would be me - they would not be affected. Yes, it took a bit of time to get to that point, but it was months not years. Your MIL is choosing hurt over the long term instead of moving forward with her own life - she is trapping herself in that ugly cycle, while ex-H and his wife get on with their lives unaffected by her hurt.

I would not be uninviting your FIL's wife (of a significant number of years). I would be saying to the MIL (well getting DP to say it as its his mum) (kindly) that I understand that she was hurt very badly at the time, but that a significant number of years have passed and that you won't be uninviting anyone. That she is very welcome to come and that if she does come you expect her to either be polite to Ex-H and his wife, or stay out of their way entirely.

I don't think there is anything unreasonable about expecting an adult to be.. well.. an adult. It is just one evening. If she can't do that for her son's wedding then it's a shame, but it's her choice.

We had a slightly different situation as at the time FIL had only just left, therefore we avoided having to invite OW. I am eternally grateful to both FIL and MIL that they behaved with dignity on our wedding day. The next family occasion we had to deal with this at was DS christening and by then FIL was remarried and everyone came. I do remember the awful endless discussions around what to do, people being made to feel they were picking sides etc.

The only two bits of advice I have are your only loyalty is to your DH never ever get sucked into trying to change his mind or be a messenger for one side of the family. One of my SIL tried it once around the time of FIL remarriage and I politely said DH had made his choice and my choice was his choice. Also for the wedding make sure you brief people like photographers, celebrants, toastmaster etc. These people have seen and done it all before and good ones are masters at running interference and not making situations awkward. Our vicar was very nice when we asked him to not go OTT on marriage as a lifelong commitment in his address, not for us but because the in laws marriage was so recently broken up. Similarly the photographer for the formal pics arranged people so FIL and MIL weren't ever standing next to each other but without it looking forced.