STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

Of course it's not controversial to love your children more than stepchildren or whatever, that's not the issue here is it!?

I think it has been for some. And the concept the other way around certainly has been problematic - that you put your parents' feelings before those of step parents. (Obvious exclusions like abusive people aside) Isn't that what you took objection to?

I can well imagine that my mum would act like the mil in this OP. If my dad had left her for an OW and she was hurt, she'd probably be hurt all over again if I didn't consider her hurt before inviting the OW to my wedding 20 years later. I can't imagine doing that to my mum. I was thinking of my mum and how little I would want to hurt her when I formulated my reply.

"The love hierarchy".

Sure, ok, maybe you don't have one and love everybody the same.

Love isn't something you can measure, I find. The quality of love for different people is distinct, and can change with time and growth, but I can't put my loves in an order of magnitude. One loves, and that is all.

Of course, a child (both mine and my steps) get the priority of dependency, but that isn't about measuring some quantity of love. That is about your obligation to those who have no choice but to rely on you.

I was in a similar set up. PIL's divorced 25 odd years ago due to fil affair, fil married ow, mil never remarried.

They all attended our wedding, mil was very graceful about it (she can't stand ow), both mil & fil were on the top table, ow wasn't but she was fine about it.

Tbh, it can make things awkward, mil & ow ignore each other at our events but mil will avoid fil & ow at every other opportunity which I feel is fair & we facilitate that. We get on with ow and we both like her.

I really feel all parties need to suck it up really, mainly for the sake of the dc's. I couldn't bear for one not to be present at say a christening, it would be so unfair for the children I feel.

I don't know what the solution is, 20 years is a long time but maybe your mil will simply never forgive your fil. If she won't go, she won't go & you can't force that but it'll be tricky when you have dc's.

There was a slightly sad moment when my daughter was a few years old and asked 'Doesn't X like you?'. (X being partner's previous wife.) X had never been publicly rude. She'd simply done that stuff like waiting outside in the car as opposed to ringing the doorbell and chatting on the step, when collecting my stepchildren. Or if I picked up the phone, just going, 'Is former husband there?' Rather than 'Hi Marvik, how are things? Oh good, and by the way I'll be a few minutes late picking up the kids.'

I said, 'No I don't think X does like me.'
My daughter said 'Why not?' (She looked worried.)
I told her, 'I don't think it's to do with me. I think it's because sometimes people are sad when a marriage comes to an end and seeing or talking to me would make her feel sadder.'