STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

" I really don't think it's fair to univite people because of what happened years ago."

there speaks someone without divorced parents thanks to an OW.

Ain't that the truth!!!!

Your STBMIL has only had one wedding of her own.

Her marriage ending was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to her. (The fact that she hasn't remarried points to that, as well as her reaction to hearing about OW's attendance.)

To then sit through another wedding - her child's wedding - in the company of the people who broke up hers? It's too agonisingly painful for her to even contemplate, by the sound of it.

And she isn't sure that with all the emotion she'll be able to trust herself not to make a scene: she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

Sure, she should blame her Ex more than OW. And it's been twenty years. And she should put her son's wishes first.

But those are all rational things, and when people are deeply hurt about something it can fly in the face of reason for their whole lifetime.

Your absolute best hope for some kind of peace deal for future family events is to get your DP to talk to his DF and get him to agree that his wife just attends part of it.

Because his DM is going to be really, really upset at missing it. And a little gesture from the OW of stepping back from part of it could be the thing that starts allowing some healing in your DP's family.

I agree with Imperial too.

My first ex MIL (yes I have more than one!) refused to come our wedding if her ex husbands wife (the OW) was there. We told her that it was up to her and had the wedding anyway.

What neither of us knew was just how vile the OW had been, she showed her true colours when FIL died, and in the next couple of years. We found out such a lot that explained MILs views and we both felt bad about us insisting that she should just put her feelings toone side for the day. I wish that I could go back and tell OW that she wasnt invited even if that meant that FIL hadnt gone as he had been just as bad, but had played Disney Dad so his sons hadnt realised just how terribly he had acted to their mum :(

Long winded way of saying that I think that a quiet word should be had with SMIL about her being "busy" that day.

I'm another one who agrees with Imperial. I would hope that the SM would have the grace to wave her husband off to his son's wedding and accept that this is something that it's better he does without her, for his son's sake.

I too agree with imperial.

It's not about her, or her hurt, however it was caused.

She needs to be putting her sons feelings first on such an important day. If she doesn't come she will end up regretting it. Accept her decision with grace and don't get involved in manipulations.

A side note - why in the world would she want to give the OW this sort of power?

I think you need to accept her decision, remind her that if she wishes to changes her mind at any point, she's welcome to, and tell her you look forward to celebrating with her privately.

I disagree that there's any emotional blackmail or encouraging picking sides happening. More someone who has been hurt badly and has found their boundaries in life when bouncing back from that. Her boundary here is being nearly the OW. She hasn't kicked off, or been nasty, or catty about it. Just simply stated that this is something she is unable to do. Frankly full power to her, as I'm sure it must have taken a lot for her to make that decision.

It must be horrible for you and your DP. But begging her to come could be unfair to her, and creature a more painful dynamic.

I also agree with Imperial

Thanks Somer. Good to get that perspective. I've been very, very lucky in my life - parents still happily married and engaged to my first love - so I don't have a frame of reference for this kind of hurt. Trying to put myself in her shoes as I said but seeing it written down as you have has really got me.

It'll be up to DP what he does, it's his family of course, but I'll raise the reception/ceremony idea.

When one of my friends got married but had very unhappily divorced parents (no cheating that I know of) she ended up having a shift system - spent the night before at Mum's, then Mum did church and sit down meal, Dad turned up in the evening.

At one point mum was on her way out, and dad had arrived, and I had to do a quick 'come this way' to one parent and 'why not go out that door' to the other so that they didn't see each other. I was maid of honor and it was my job to keep them apart. I was VERY drunk by the end of that, as I hit the bar after navigating the two parents around different parts of the hotel.

It was a bit ridiculous (they each knew the other one was coming/going, but just couldn't bare to see the other, even in a big room), but did get around the problem.

Oh God KickAss. Well done for managing it!

A side note - why in the world would she want to give the OW this sort of power?

Because she is a flawed human who has been hurt deeply, not a character on Mumsnet?

Yet another example of a parent making the wedding about them and their feelings. Did she really expect her ds just to accept she won't come? She wants him to ask the stepmother not to come.I know it's harsh but I suspect she's (perhaps subconsciously) getting her ds to pick sides. I'm sure she was badly hurt. However, if her ds wants both parents there, she should put his feelings first.

Sounds like you know the OW - do you think she is a kind person who would be able to let your mum have this day, or the type who would insist on being there?

" I really don't think it's fair to univite people because of what happened years ago. "

there speaks someone without divorced parents thanks to an OW.

I utterly with that 2nd comment, and I speak as someone whose parents divorced due to a OM. So I think I have some understanding . I too think that its not ok to uninvite someone for something that happened years ago. Also if the Op's partner had this woman in his life as a Stepmother for most of his life this may be someone the OP loves and cares about? (I reflect here as that is my relationship with my stepdad and was with my stepmother no 2)

OP its not just the wedding though. What if you go on to have children and want some sort of celebration? Can you only invite one set of gp? (would you want a name giving/ Christening - would you want birthday parties with family etc etc)

Could you offer MIL some counselling over this?

When I married my mother and stepdad (the other man) and my father and then Stepmother all came along, Step mother and stepdad were seated next to each other at the top table. Step dad has been in my life since I was 5 he deserved the right to sit up there as did my parents and then step mother (she and my dad have since divorced)

Can you speak with MIL? Make sure she knows you have people " backed up "to be with her at all times, ensure that she knows at no point will she be forced to be "face to face" with the OW? speak to MIL about all of this and ensure she knows you WANT her there, however also point out that as hurt as she was her love for her child surely is as important?

If the SMIL does insist on coming, or the FIL insists on her being there, then they will be proving that they think more of themselves than his son having both parents at his wedding.

If they refuse to have SMIL not attend then I would say that they are the ones who should be uninvited and not the mum.

It''s not just about the day - it's about the weeks of worrying and stress and heartbreak thinking about it. The wedding would not be a happy event for the DM but one which cause weeks of misery/sleepless nights in the run up.

I actually think that if she had any clue about any of this, she'd suggest that she didn't attend. But that's just my feeling, I don't know. FIL has made it very clear to DP how much it would mean for him to attend with his wife.

I utterly disagree that was meant to say.

Could you invite MIL to ceremony and daytime reception and FIL'S wife just to the evening reception?

Bogeyface - agree completely.

FIL has made it very clear to DP how much it would mean for him to attend with his wife. Perhaps he shouldn't have had an affair then. The consequences do last a lifetime.

FIL has made it very clear to DP how much it would mean for him to attend with his wife.

I'm sure it means even more to his son that his Mother attends his wedding. If both can't happen, then his wife shouldn't attend. I find it horrific to allow his mother (who has not been unreasonable, just honest) won't be at her son's wedding because her ex-husband's feelings are more important than hers.

I strongly agree with the majority. I wouldn't invite the OW.

I'm reading all these out to DP and he is nodding sagely. Thank you everyone, this is really helping us.