STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

I'd let her make her decision and enjoy your day , if after 20 years she can't put her son first then that's her problem . If you try to not invite the step mother you will probably find that the dad won't come and then you are in no better a position and it could potentially alienate the dad in the future . 20 yrs is a long time to hold a grudge , and it's bizarre that she will mingle with the man who 'wronged 'her but not the woman who actually owed he no allegiance at all .

Yet another example of a parent making the wedding about them and their feelings.

No it isn't - it's about a mother who unwillingly became a single parent - who knows what she sacrificed to raise her children whilst her husband deserted her for another?

She may well have been hurt all these years and swallowed it when the children went to play happy families with OW every other weekend

Why would she want to face her now?

OP I think you OH is being disrespectful to his mother - my mother would have felt the same - hurt that they are being treated equally when it was never equal

I have job idea what the true was back them - only how hard she must have dealt with each day alone

I think OH needs to step up and referee

Olivia I'm glad you have happily married parents and got engaged to your first love. That describes me, too.

Later stuff happened (not an affair or divorce in my case) that caused terrible pain. And it's awful and I hurt but the one, tiny positive that comes from it is a bit more insight than I had before of other people's pain.

Congratulations on your engagement and here's to a happy wedding day, with as many of the people you love in attendance as possible, and an even happier, very very long marriage (which is the bit that really counts ).

STBMIL is trying to make you pick sides. If she can't put her feelings aside to see her son get married then that's her problem. I certainly wouldn't be uninviting anyone.

I think that discussing DM's decision with FIL and his wife is an awful idea. Opening up some sort of negotiation, going and froing with different ideas and compromises. It is placing too much power to create further hurt, especially as both sides will feel (correctly) that you are talking about them behind their backs. This is a decision that your DP must make on his own, with your support.
I think your DP should ask his DN if there is any chance of her changing her mind and if she says that there isn't, then he must respect her decision as a grown woman who knows her own mind.

Sounds like it's fil who is using emotional blackmail. If she was just fil's wife then fair enough, but she is the ow. They should respect that their actions will still have consequences and she should step back, with out fil putting on a guilt trip.

I guess she will mingle with her ex because she does put her son first and acknowledges that his Father is important in his life. I guess she doesn't recognise that the OW deserves the same standing. She's right, regardless of how pleasant the OW is.

Has FIL's wife already been invited, and does dhtb want to invite her? I understand stbMIL's reluctance to be attend her son's wedding with the OW - is it off the cards to just invite the parents, no plus one?

I feel for you OP. My in laws are refusing to attend our wedding. It's tomorrow.

Your MIL should attend. My parents are divorced, I would be very hurt if one of them didn't attend.

I know, it didn't make sense to me at first either that she was alright to be around him, but I guess feelings aren't always rational and everyone's boundaries are different as PP said. She feels how she feels. I do very much respect that. Just wish I knew how to help DP. He loves them both and finds it hard to disappoint people at the best of times which is an issue for another thread. Unfortunately someone is going to be disappointed!

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past)

Op, is there a significant reason why she is able to be civil around FIL but doesn't feel the same about being around OW? I'm curious about this because she would only have been able to be the OW because FIL broke his vows to your MIL. As he is the one that betrayed her, why more anger directed to OW than her exh?

I would definitely uninvite father's wife.

I think your mil is being perfectly reasonable in not wanting to be in the same room as the OW.

Your fil should agree to this one day and be civil with your mil.

Good for your mil in not making a scene.

Thanks Somer

No, no invitations have been sent. That was going to be this weekend's job.

I just read another posters reply. Please say your dp hasn't talked about his mums feelings to hid dad and ow? That would be a horrible betrayal.

Surely dp would rather have his parents there than the OW?

No idea Lost. It's very much the thing that is never spoken of, on both sides.

No, DP has definitely not spoken to FIL about this.

This is similar to a situation that happened prior to my wedding. My mum and dad were managing to wind each other up despite having been split up 25 years earlier and re-married. My dad said he wouldn't come and I essentially said that if he did that I would never speak to him again. The bickering back and forth was extremely stressful and although they both came I was so paranoid that they would argue on the day I appointed my brother as parental minder to intervene if necessary. I did not have a top table so they were able to sit separately but as it happened they had a conversation and were perfectly civil to each other so it was fine. I would expect a grown up to put their needs aside on the day in order that your day is not tainted. After all is she she stays away she will be allowing her ex husband not only to injure her emotionally but also ruin a proud day for her. She should buy a fabulous outfit and hold her head up high

I think perhaps she is also being realistic. She would like to be there but can hardly expect her XH not to attend as its his son's wedding. Rational thought can impact feelings. She might feel that seeing her XH will be a struggle, but both of them would be too much to cope with.

Even if she does change her mind and decide to come to the wedding now, do you not think that the prospect of the awkward atmosphere may cast a shadow over your wedding? I think the most gracious thing to do would have been for her to have remained silent about her discomfort - this isn't an uncommon occurrence now - for divorced parents to both attend a child's wedding - and of course it's shit for her to have to face the OW but, I like to think I would do it for my son, and not sacrifice attending his wedding.

Given that the dad and the OW have now been married for longer than your partners parents originally were, I don't think it would be right to disinvite the fathers' wife either. Realistically, I think a conversation with the mother along the lines of how gracious and strong she would appear by going to the wedding, and how her absence would make her look as though she hadnt moved on after 20 years. She may well not have moved on, and that is sad, but by appealing to her understandable desire to not want to lose face to the 'OW', you may achieve the outcome of her attending the wedding, with the added bonus of her resisting the temptation to give it to the OW with both barrels, which would probably be the worst outcome. Maybe offer to take her outfit shopping/hair and make up done and perhaps find her a plus one so that she feels confident on the day?

I think amprev is spot on

I think you should visit and gently ask MIL to think about how this will play out in the future if grandchildren come along.

If she thinks she can't manage a few hours of civility in the company of exh and his 2nd wife, how will she cope sharing grandparent duties?
Will FIL want his wife be called Granny etc? If she's been involved in the upbringing of his son, then this seems pretty reasonable.

MIL needs to find a way to manage her hurt feelings so that they don't detract from her relationship with her DS, DIL and potential DGC.

It's not your problem to solve but I think you could help MIL to find a solution that she can live with longer term.

I really don't think asking FIL's 2nd wife not to attend the ceremony will work at all and just lead to resentment on that side of the family.
Lose/Lose situation.

MidnightAura.....you should be asleep. Good luck for your big day. Op send the invites as planned.

your FIL should agree to this one day and be civil with your MIL

But that's the problem it's not this one day ,it will be the precedent for every other event .

I feel very sad about it all. Reading all these insights make me want to go and give her a big hug. And I'm really not a hugger!

DP still thinks she'll change her mind and come anyway if he tries hard enough, I'm even less convinced now than I was before.

Your future mil should put her son first. What if you have kids? Birthday parties etc?

You can't erase the past. The father has been married for twenty years, only on MN is a woman castigated decades after the fact while the actual adulterer is assumed to be welcome.

My parents split up a few years ago and my mum is doing the 'I can't face coming if he's there' thing, which is horrible for us all. But ultimately it's her choice and her loss. Happy family times that she isn't part of. What she wants of course is for him not to be invited but that's just never going to happen.