STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

Happy wedding day Midnight

I think it's unfair to say that OPs MIL is unable to put her son before her own feelings and I don't think that this is a veiled ultimatum either.

In her shoes I would also find it very difficult to attend. Not because I want to pick a fight or speak my mind or any of that crap but because the hurt (that is evidently still very raw after 20 years), would come to the surface. I'd be so worried that I would blubber and breakdown and spoil the day for the Bride and Groom.

There is no way that I'd be able to control my emotions with something that hurtful but there is also no way that I would risk ruining the big day by sobbing like a wounded cat either!

OP (and OPs soon to be DH), I think you need to respect her wishes. Perhaps you can arrange a special meal afterwards with just her and a few close family members?

Elope?

Thanks Olivia

I agree with previous posters OP. I think if anyone shouldn't go it should be the FIL new wife, but your MIl will have to face her sometime, what happens when children come along? The problem is going to come up time and time again.

I haven't said this to DP, but without being too soppy, I just feel that she has lost out on so much already - someone to go on holidays with, cook with, share grandchildren with, retire with etc, the stuff that I'm getting married assuming is a dead cert for my future - and my heart breaks that she would lose out on this too.

But I also feel that in this case, that would be her choice. The rest of it wasn't. But this is.

I wouldn't want my mother there sitting around hurt and miserable.

She says she wishes you all the best. Seems fair enough.

Elope?

I'm starting to see why people do!

Can you imagine the stress his poor Mum would be under if she agreed to attend the wedding with her ex and the OW there? She obviously knows she doesn't want to do it and she's graciously giving you and you Fiance a get-out. She deserves for her feelings to be acknowledged, she's the innocent party here and shouldn't be the one to be disappointed.

From the OP it doesn't sound like STBMIL covered herself in glory when the marriage was ending either. It was a shitty time, I'm sure people did stuff they're not proud of now, but they managed to salvage some sort of stable and healthy relationships out of it. It seems a real pity to essentially put a match to that because 'OW' has been invited. The same woman who STBMIL has apparently been happy enough for her son to develop a close step-parent relationship with in the intervening twenty years.

It just seems more than a bit unfair of the STBMIL to put this on her DS and the OP. They're childhood sweethearts, they've been engaged for some time- this day has been coming for a good while, but she waits until they book the venue to tell them her thoughts on this? Really?

You can easily see this turning into OP's DP speaking to his dad, dad getting upset at his wife being uninvited, step mother being hurt/upset that it's come to that, that fuelling the dad's response and it all kicking off. And guess who's going to have to deal with that? Not STBMIL, but her son and OP. She's not suggesting a compromise like those above, or saying, "I'll go to service to see you married and then leave", she's saying a flat "it's me or her". As people have said, when grandchildren and all come along that's simply not sustainable. What are you going to do, ask a reception aged child who'd they rather have at the nativity play? Or are they supposed to broker some sort of deal like, "you had Christmas so I get the birthday tea?".

what is his relationship like with his dad's wife?

I actually think that between the two parents, your MIL is being more reasonable than your FIL.

Your MIL is content with your FIL, your OHs actual parent being there.

Your FIL is using emotional blackmail to ensure that his partner is there, probably for his benefit, not for your OHs.

Not knowing any background about who raise your OH, how old he was when his parents split etc, it seems fairer to me that his dad and his mum are at his wedding and that the dads partner is the one to miss out.

I too agree with imperial.

Who does your DH want to be there OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay? Does he want his mum or step mum to be there? I would get your dh to make that choice and invite accordingly. Actually I would be very shocked if he chose his step mum rather than his mum, unless he gets on with his step mum and doesn't get on with his mum.

If his dad chose to not attend if he could bring his wife, so be it.

Re "I actually think that if she had any clue about any of this, she'd suggest that she didn't attend. But that's just my feeling, I don't know. " Then make sure your soon-to-be-dh tells her if he does want his mum to be there.

Re "FIL has made it very clear to DP how much it would mean for him to attend with his wife."

Soon-to-be-FIL actually sounds like a selfish git to me.

I think your dh will be very sad and maybe feel guilty if he doesn't have his mum at his wedding. If she is a nice and loving person then she really must have been very hurt to have hung onto this for 20 years.

Yes, it is your special day but it is their lives, and what your FIL did 20 years ago has caused this wound that has not healed.

Trying to navigate and negotiate so they do not bump into each other on your special day sounds exhausting. If they choose to come and avoid each other, so be it, but I wouldn't be sure you could promise this.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay re "I've said to DP that the outcome of this will set a precedent for every future event."

But that is simply not true, unless you or your dh chose for it to be so.

Future big events may include:

The birth of your children - You may not want to have have children or may not want your parents in law in the delivery room!

A Christening? - You may not choose to Christen. And if you do you can choose to say, come or don't come as you like. It will really not be as a big of an event as your wedding.

Christmas?
Shared holidays?
Birthdays?

Any and every situation will be for your to choose which parent you want or don't want to attend, or to simply say both invited and for them to work it out for themselves.

IMHO the wedding is the big one and this is your soon-to-be-husband's sole decision to make. Please do try and help him make this choice for himself or he may resent you in the future if you steer him in the wrong (for him) direction.

Good luck.

I know I'm going to sound incredibly harsh but this was 20 years ago. It is terribly sad but I'm afraid that relationships are made and broken every day. People are flawed and do hurtful things ( like fall in love with other people.) how much longer is she going to separate herself away from important, joyous family events? The FIL wife is hardly some floozy one night stand.... She is his wife of some considerable time. Of course it is her decision whether to go or not ( but it would be a cold day in hell that I would miss my child's wedding day)

When I was dealing with infertility I did not go to Christenings, not because I wanted to make it about me. But because I didn't. I'd have been a weeping wreck.

Your MIL is doing what she thinks will cause the lease amount of stress for you both.

As invitations have not yet been sent this not a case of uninviting someone.

If Unfortunately someone is going to be disappointed! then let it be the woman who helped to break up your soon-to-be-dh's parents marriage because she is not a blood relative to your soon-to-be-dh. Ultimately, the two people who should be most important to him are his mum and dad.

amprev although your post is well meaning and I am sure if it worked (got his mum to attend against her better judgment) one may feel it is a win/win; I think it is quite patronizing.

I am quite sure that if soon-to-be-MIL is willing to miss her son's wedding (and their relationship is otherwise good) that her feelings run very deep and she is unlikely to be won over by the idea of a shopping spree or how she would appear to family members or the OW!

Thanks italian, spirited, everyone who's posted. Definitely some more food for thought and much appreciated.

Agreed it's his decision and his alone.

Are you having quite a big wedding and a formal meal, Olivia?

If so could you suggest to STBMIL that she attends the Ceremony and meal and that she sits at the top table with you, as Mother of the Groom, while your DP's father has the option of sitting at the top table (as Father of the Groom) while his wife sits at a guest table a little distance from the top table or, if he wishes to sit with his wife, they both sit at the guest table.

Whichever he chose to do would still give your STBMIL her 'place'as 'Mother of the Groom', without that 'place' being complicated by "the OW".

If both of your DP's parents would accept that as a solution, you could then appoint two of your DP's most charismatic and fun friends, to spend some time 'bolstering' STBMIL's confidence and making sure that she wasn't alone and was having a good time. Her own personal ushers!

On the other hand, if you are having a small wedding, where everyone will be very much in each other's company, I don't think you stand a hope of getting them all there. Elope!

Is your dp an only child OP ?

You know what OP.
I had to do this sort of thing.
I decided to invite everyone.
I was a child when it all happened and their issues had affected me for long enough.
There were moans. I told them all it wasn't my fight to have and they'd fucked up enough of my childhood - or words to that effect.
Everyone came in the end and it Was a wonderful day OW Left early with her son (nice idea).
Mum didn't even notice them in the end.
Since then my Dad has passed away and I love the pics of him at my wedding (even tho I'm now divorced !!)

It's a difficult situation OP and there will be very different opinions and views because it is an awful thing to happen. BUT neither you nor your other half caused the situation so I think your responsibility is purely to invite all the people you would like there and then all they need to do is decide if they want to come.
And then the seating plan........

We were in exactly your situation - even down to the fact that PIL had separated 20+ years ago. Only difference is that we don't think FIL has ever remarried OW - although wouldn't be surprised to discover that he did do at some point. As you probably guessed, DH was much closer to his mum than he is to his dad! But as they've been together for 25+ years I still think of her as step MIL - she is to all intents and purposes, regardless of whether or not she has a marriage certificate.

BIL got married to SIL about a year before we got married (both long term relationships before getting hitched). Very small wedding, he invited both parents and step MIL. MIL refused to go if FIL and step MIL were going and expected bil to uninvite FIL as he was closer to her than them. He didn't - just kept saying that they were both his parents and she couldn't ask him to choose between them, that he was happy to ensure that they were kept apart but he was inviting them both.

MIL didn't go and regretted it forever. When our wedding happened the next year, bigger do so easier to keep her apart from FIL and step MIL, dh said exactly the same to her - that he was inviting them both and she couldn't expect him to choose between parents. As a result of MIL missing BIL's wedding, she came to ours. Which meant that BIL didn't come to ours because he was so upset that his mum was prepared to come to ours but not his (missing the point that if we'd got married first then she would have missed our wedding and gone to his).

In the end she was glad to be there and still regretted missing BIL's wedding even more.

We tasked lots of family with looking after her and keeping her away from her ex. It also helped that as my dad was dead, my uncle stepped up to give me away, so sat on top table, and as my mum had a lovely partner but not one that I wanted to give me away, he was able to sit next to MIL on top table and act as her partner so that helped to screen FIL away from her, we also sat him at the other end of the table so she couldn't see him.

I do think that MIL felt that BIL and DH had betrayed her in inviting FIL. However - for our wedding at least - she had hindsight into what she felt after BIL's wedding so we were able to benefit from that in that she did come to the wedding. I think it also hadn't occurred to her that BIL and DH felt betrayed by her - that she wasn't prepared to come to their weddings (well, she did to ours, but even so she did try to say that she'd only come if FIL didn't originally, only to decide that she would eventually when she realised she was going to miss another wedding if she didn't come) and was trying to play them to get FIL univited. Given the split wasn't recent so no fresh hurt to overcome, I think if there isn't actual physical abuse to consider then if you have kids with someone, you have to accept that you may well have to see them (even if only at a distance) at their weddings.

Forgot to say...
Bought Mum an AMAZING dress for the day, had her hair done , spent extra time with her, got her make up done etc

So, when she saw the 'OW' of 25 years previous it was like that phrase, 'The snake is more scared of you, than you are of the snake' !!

confuugled1 that sounds like a really sad situation, especially your BIL not speaking to your MIL because she would not attend his wedding. How sad.

The difference in this situation is that the OP's stbMIL is OK with her ex husband being there, just not his wife.

Cavogirl it would be wonderful if the OP's stbMIL could do this but it sounds like she has not dealt with all this sufficiently so far, a wedding may not be the ideal place to do so.

Italiangreyhound - great name!
Yeah, I get might not work for her.
It's such a shame how complicated these things get , weddings should be a celebration and we all know how hard they can be

It happened twenty years ago, this sounds harsh but the MIL needs to move on, it's not about her, her son is getting married. Everyone saying don't invite FIL's wife, that'll cause the shit to hit the fan with the dad anyway and the dad could end up not going and then the mum has won.

If anybody misses the wedding, whether it's the dad or the mum then like PP have said they will live to regret it. I wouldn't pester the mum to go but at the same time I'd say to her that your DP only plans on getting married once, if she wants to miss it then it's her choice but there will not be another opportunity to see her son get married.

Was it his mother or father that was there for him, and helped him pick up the pieces when his father left? He needs to choose wisely in my opinion.