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Original poster

STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

605 replies

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 24/08/2016 23:03

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/08/2016 11:08

Sandy

My niece told my brother she wanted both her mum and his wife there

So who loses out? Quite simply the niece does.
Is it fair on the niece who wanted both of them there?
What was explained to the niece?

My niece would have preferred them both there, but her mum's feelings and her being upset, were more important than her stepmum being there.

No explanation was needed, because her telling my brother was her asking for it to be sorted out.

My brother did speak to his Ex about it and she said that she wanted some things to just be between her and her DD (my niece), without his new wife there.

They now get round this when there are 2 or more performances by having mum at one and dad and stepmum at the other. I realise there is only one wedding though.

She (ex SIL), is a bit better about some events now and wouldn't object to stepmum being at niece's wedding when it comes to it.

My own view is that ex SIL was hoping to get back with my brother and felt a bit replaced my new SIL and wanted her to have as little to do with the DCs as possible.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2016 11:13

why do they need their bed warmer on their arm?

That is an interesting description of someone that has been married for 20 years.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2016 11:15

SandyY2K

So a different situation with several possible outcomes that meant that no-one could be left out.

OlennasWimple · 28/08/2016 12:48

"Bedwarmer" is an offensive description for someone to whom a parent has been happily married for longer than their first marriage. (What should the first wife be called? "Breeder"??)

Floralnomad · 28/08/2016 12:59

'Bed warmer' is an offensive way to refer to anybody .

OlennasWimple · 28/08/2016 13:53

Of course it is, Flora! It implies that there is no relationship beyond the bedroom - see also "squeeze", "bit of stuff", "fancy piece"... Do you really think that these are appropriate to use to describe someone who has been married for 20+ years?

OlennasWimple · 28/08/2016 13:54

SORRY!!! Reading quickly, and I thought you said "is NOT an offensive way to refer to anyone"

Ignore my post please!

SandyY2K · 28/08/2016 14:09

Boney

So a different situation with several possible outcomes that meant that no-one could be left out.

When that's an option, then yes, but that wasn't the case with the original ballet performance. There was only one peformance and it was attended by my Ex SIL and my brother. His wife didn't go.

For my niece her mum's feelings were more important than her stepmum being there, even though she has a great relationship with SM.

Floralnomad · 28/08/2016 14:16

That's ok , frankly I've found some of the opinions on this thread eye opening , and no I'm not ,nor have ever been an OW , what I am is someone who is NC with a very manipulative MIL , which is probably how the OP will end up eventually !

SandyY2K · 28/08/2016 14:19

Milky

FIL has made it very clear to DP how much it would mean for him to attend with his wife.

How isn't that ^^^ manipulative?

Maybe I'm naive but someone's dad and stepmum saying they're looking forward to a wedding doesn't strike me as manipulative at all, why wouldn't they be looking forward to it?

This isn't about looking forward to it. Nothing in what was said talks about looking forward to it. It's wanting his wife there.

They have no reason to assume they wouldn't be invited and therefore no reason to drop manipulative hints about their wish to be there.

If they had no reason to think his wife wouldn't be there then why did he say that. He would not have said anything at all, but he knew there's a chance she wouldn't be invited.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2016 14:26

SandyY2K

You posted that your BiL talked to your sister and she stepped down, not that your DN changed her mind. you are reading in to what your DN said as wanting your BiL to sort it.

Whether various posters accept it or not the SM has been family to the OP's DH for 20 years.

differentnameforthis · 28/08/2016 14:33

His father making very clear that he would like to attend with his wife, and his mother saying "if she goes, I won't" and asking her son to lie to his father and stepmother is NOT the same thing at all.

differentnameforthis · 28/08/2016 14:41

why do they need their bed warmer on their arm? Wow, how rude are you! A marriage of 20yrs qualifies the FILs wife as more than a "bed warmer"

It's wanting his wife there And why the hell shouldn't he? The op has stated that her OH also wants his father's wife - his stepmother - there. The only one who doesn't, by all accounts is his mother. It's a call she has no right to make any more. Unless she is paying 100% for the wedding, the guest list if none of her business.

She is holding on to past hurt in order to use it against her son at any time she sees fit. She is going to make their life miserable if she carries on, or find herself permanently excluded from it.

SandyY2K · 28/08/2016 16:00

Boney

My brother spoke to his wife, my SIL, not my sister. She wanted both mum and step mum to attend, but not at the price of mum being unhappy, which is why she spoke to her dad (my brother), because if she never said anything they would have all gone and she didn't want her mum to be upset.

Lots of PP ate saying how important and helpful step mums are and going by my SIL who is stepmom to my niece and nephew I totally agree with that. In fact she notices things that their own mum doesn't and should do, but had she come on the scene an OW, then I wouldn't be that keen on her, no matter how good she was with my niece and nephew.

It makes a very big difference how you came to be a stepmum. No matter how many years have passed, you cannot erase the facts and the truth.

Lots of PP also mentioned that MIL is okay with FIL being there. Well she probably had lots of time to discuss his infidelity and his betrayal all those years ago, but never did speak to the OW and may never have been in the same place as her in the last 20 years. Otherwise she wouldn't have said she couldn't hold it in after 20 years.

At the wedding of her son, which should be a joyous occasion, isn't the place for her to see the ex OW in such close proximit for what might be the first time.

She may well never want to set eyes on her and that's not unheard of in infidelity related divorces.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2016 16:07

Sandy

It makes a very big difference how you came to be a stepmum. No matter how many years have passed, you cannot erase the facts and the truth.

Should it make that amount of difference to the OP and her DH? a woman has been in his life for 20 years, they get on well together and have a good relationship, one which should go on for many years.

We don't have the full facts of the situation, we don't know what the previous marriage was like, we have several unflattering snap shots of how the STBMiL has behaved over the years.

What we do know is that the STBMiL has put demands on her attendance at the wedding and from points made about past times.

My feeling and the feeling of others is that she will do this again.

HazelBite · 28/08/2016 16:27

I think that the DM's attitude is extremely selfish and childish, even if she is still suffering deep hurt and resentment 20 years on this is all about her son, his fiancee and their special day, its not about her, her exh or his stepmother, she needs to be told this very forcibly and be told to get a grip
Is there another member of the family who can talk to her and point out how selfish she is being.

NavyandWhite · 28/08/2016 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2016 16:57

STBMiL

Soon
To
Be

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 28/08/2016 16:59

navy Grin

NavyandWhite · 28/08/2016 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 28/08/2016 17:09

See MN can still give me a chuckle! Grin

milkyface · 28/08/2016 18:16

FIL has made it very clear to DP how much it would mean for him to attend with his wife.*

How isn't that ^^ manipulative?

Maybe I'm naive but someone's dad and stepmum saying they're looking forward to a wedding doesn't strike me as manipulative at all, why wouldn't they be looking forward to it?

This isn't about looking forward to it. Nothing in what was said talks about looking forward to it. It's wanting his wife there.

They have no reason to assume they wouldn't be invited and therefore no reason to drop manipulative hints about their wish to be there.

If they had no reason to think his wife wouldn't be there then why did he say that. He would not have said anything at all, but he knew there's a chance she wouldn't be invited.*

Right sorry but I think you're talking bollocks now.

It's not manipulative. If my mum and stepdad said to me ooh milky we are really looking forward to your wedding, I wouldn't think ooh you manipulative bitch you're saying that so I'll favour you and invite you and your husband. I'd think awh that's nice my family are excited to attend my wedding. (And yes my step dad is family!)

Why shouldn't he want his wife there? They have been married 20 years, they have a life together, of course he wants her there, I'm sure he wants her to see his son getting married, why the fucking hell wouldn't he? If his wife was on here and posted a thread saying my husband doesn't want me at my sons wedding because of his ex wife of over 20 years, we'd all be telling her to ltb.

It not unusual or manipulative to say that you're looking forward to someone's wedding for fuck sake, it's an entirely NORMAL thing for ANY GUEST to say.

PlectrumElectrum · 28/08/2016 19:17

Milky, if you want to get arsey about other posters opinions which differ from your own, at least get on your high horse about actual quotes instead of someone's guesswork over what might or might not have been said by STBFIL.

The OP posted waaaay back on 24/8/16 @ 23:48 stating 'FIL has made it very clear to DP how much it would mean for him to attend with his wife'. That's not what you are basing your ranting on is it? That's quite different from 'we can't wait to see you get married' which is what Baggycheeks posted yesterday, when guessing at what was said by saying 'FIL could have said something as simple as "We can't wait to see you get married"

The only person who knows what's been said, how it was said & the history of both parents is the OP's DP. And he's the one who made the decision, based on what each of them have said & his own take on what's behind that, to ask his DF to tell his SM not to attend. The OP hasn't come back & said he's going to speak to his DF to see how both women attending could work, or what he could do to solve that problem, he's asking the SM to not attend.

You can take from that whatever you want - to me, he's realised it would be too much to expect his DM to sit through his wedding in the company of his SM who she hasn't spoken to in 20 years. No doubt you'll interpret that completely differently.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2016 19:48

PlectrumElectrum

The OP's posts are littered with examples of the STBMiL being difficult and disregarding others feelings.

Yet several posters are adamant that she is the only victim.

milkyface · 28/08/2016 19:49

I'm sorry but I still don't think FIL is being manipulative here, but MIL definitely is.

He's given into his mother for an easy life, op said he wanted FIL and his wife there initially. Yes he obviously doesn't want his mum to be upset, but this isn't what he actually wanted is it? He wanted all three of them to attend.

His relationship with FIL and his wife will probably go downhill now because MIL wants him to lie for her. That will probably make her happy though won't it?