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Original poster

STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

605 replies

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 24/08/2016 23:03

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

OP posts:
PlectrumElectrum · 27/08/2016 11:32

OP says her STBFIL made it 'very clear to his DS how much it would mean to him for his DW to attend' - that doesn't indicate an off the cuff comment does it? That's what indicates to me STBFIL has been manipulative. If posters want to call out the STBMIL's manipulation, then at least recognise the manipulation instigated by STBFIL when doing so.

pasic · 27/08/2016 11:40

As no one has been invited yet, there's no un inviting to be done.

In OW's position I would have ruled myself out before the problem arose. I believe she owes the ex wife a bit of consideration even after 20 years.

HyacinthFuckit · 27/08/2016 11:51

Indeed plectrum. It seems to be stretching credibility further than it can realistically go to think FIL made it clear how much it would mean for him to have SMIL there, without any slight inkling that doing so could raise an issue.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2016 12:34

I don't think that it stretches credibility to think that you should be able to invite who you want to your wedding without them kicking off.

HyacinthFuckit · 27/08/2016 12:42

In an ideal world, no. Unfortunately, the existence of problems at weddings with divorced, blended etc families at weddings is pretty well publicised now, isn't it? Another reason why FILs comments seem rather unlikely to have been off the cuff and agenda free.

ohdearme1958 · 27/08/2016 12:46

I agree with imperial.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2016 12:56

HyacinthFuckit

Neither of the parents are covering themselves in glory but then that seems to be a running theme for them in the thread.

HyacinthFuckit · 27/08/2016 12:58

Well, yes. I had a lot more sympathy with MILs position before she wanted them to lie.

ohdearme1958 · 27/08/2016 13:06

*Today 11:32 PlectrumElectrum

OP says her STBFIL made it 'very clear to his DS how much it would mean to him for his DW to attend' - that doesn't indicate an off the cuff comment does it? That's what indicates to me STBFIL has been manipulative. If posters want to call out the STBMIL's manipulation, then at least recognise the manipulation instigated by STBFIL when doing so*

Hear Hear!

ohdearme1958 · 27/08/2016 13:10

someone who is choosing to keep herself in the role of victim after 20yrs

Getting out of the victim role is a SKILL. You have to be taught, it doesn't come naturally. As i said upthread the whole notion of victimhood is a relatively new concept. it is not in the general parlance of past generations, who can have no idea there is a choice.

The majority of us in that generation have had therapy to learn how to let go of the victim role in the face of severe hurt. And not just mil's generation, either.

I suspect those that sneer at someone who has not recovered from grave hurt, calling them manipulative and controlling, might think differently of they experience severe hurt and betrayal themselves*

In a nutshell!

Thank you

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2016 13:21

ohdearme1958

Having recovered from "grave hurt" i can tell you that this is not the case. I am still able to see "manipulative and controlling" behaviour on both sides.

SandyY2K · 27/08/2016 13:40

Great decision of your DPs. I'd not want the person who carried me for 9 months, went through labour and sleepless nights )to name but a few things) to not be there to see me marry the love of my life in favour of the one who participated in causing her so much pain.

SMIL can look forward to attending her own children's weddings. Actually a thought just popped into my head saying that. Imagine if her kids didn't want FIL to attend, if she was an MOW (married OW) when they hooked up, because their dad was uncomfortable with it. That's another story.

I hope you have a great wedding and a wonderful marriage. You and your fiancé sound like very sensible individuals. I wish you the very best.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2016 14:22

SandyY2K

Lets hope that he has enough sense not to lie about the reason for the it.

differentnameforthis · 27/08/2016 15:03

Sandy, the groom to be doesn't "owe" his mother for having carried him for 9mths blah blah blah...that was her choice. Expecting him to lie isn't something she gets to ask of him! It's a very selfish step, and as you said yourself, it isn't nice to invalidate someone's feelings...which is exactly what she is doing to her son!!

IwannaSnorlax · 27/08/2016 15:43

Good points Plectrum - I agree!

milkyface · 27/08/2016 16:01

Great decision of your DPs. I'd not want the person who carried me for 9 months, went through labour and sleepless nights )to name but a few things) to not be there to see me marry the love of my life in favour of the one who participated in causing her so much pain.

By that logic FIL shouldn't be going either.

Going through labour and sleepless nights doesn't make you entitled to anything.

SandyY2K · 27/08/2016 16:38

By that logic FIL shouldn't be going either.

He didn't carry anyone for 9 months.Smile, but I know what you're saying.

And blood is blood. You can't compare OW/ SMIL to biological father.

He doesn't have to lie. Surely his dad and SMIL would know the reason. Unless they are so selfish that they have forgotten what they did and the ramifications.

milkyface · 27/08/2016 16:40

Unless they are so selfish that they have forgotten what they did and the ramifications.

It's been 20 years.

If FIL and smil don't go, are they entitled to be angry and bitter after 20 years and try to stop mil going to future family events without giving her a reason?

It's really unfair of MIL to put her son in this situation. She's being manipulative.

It doesn't sound to me like she's upset anymore, it sounds like she's angry and she wants to try and ruin her sons relationship with his father and step mother. Some kind of justice? Revenge?

happypoobum · 27/08/2016 16:43

I agree with PP - this definitely isn't the last time poor Olivia is going to end up posting about this MIL..........

SandyY2K · 27/08/2016 16:59

If after 20 SMIL and FIL think her being at the wedding is hunky dory, it shows the same wayward thinking that started the affair.

Shame would keep me away if I was SMIL and the desire not to hurt MIL any further.

OnionKnight · 27/08/2016 17:01

Wow Sandy, and you're a therapist?

milkyface · 27/08/2016 17:01

Shame?

It's not MILs day. It's her sons.

He wants his dad and step mum there.

It's been 20 years, they've been married longer than MIL was.

Mil is being manipulative and she knows it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2016 17:10

SandyY2K

And blood is blood.

This is a daft point to make, having the same blood doesn't make you a good person, look at the stately homes threads, or the threads about family that don't talk to each other.

It certainly doesn't stop people from being abusive, manipulative or controlling.

Vevvie · 27/08/2016 17:13

I agree with imperial. He has one mum.

Ledkr · 27/08/2016 17:25

I read somewhere that being cheated on by your life partner is as traumatic as a bereavement or other life trauma. So I have sympathy with your mil poor woman. She'd rather miss her sons wedding than face the people who hurt her so badly.
I get on ok with ow now but only because i moved on happily and the ow was so young I can't really blame her at all either.
I do agree though that the step mum should stand down.
What a shame.

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