STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

The passage of time does not change history. Those who think it does are wrong and the OPS FIANCÉ has made his decision. A very sensible one.

And STBFIL milky? Do you recognise his actions here as manipulative?

If it's been 20 years & all the hurt, pain & anger had been addressed long before now, but still being clung onto, I could understand & maybe agree with the interpretation of the STBMIL alone as selfish/manipulative & not a great reflection of her as a person. If it's been 20 years, with no one facing up to the hurt, pain & anger because they're all 'stiff upper lip' types, then this situation had been brewing for a long time & they are all (STBMIL/STBFIL/SM) responsible for allowing the powder keg moment to be left until it was unavoidable such as a family wedding that affects them all.

There really is no excuse for STBFIL or his wife (if she's aware of her DH's wishes expressed to the groom, or has been the one to express that to her DH to be passed on) to allow this situation to occur knowing that she hasn't spoken to the STBMIL in 20 years, while at the same time expressing a strong desire to both attend the wedding together.

There's no need for anyone to avoid a wedding because of shame, or hurt, or anger, and I disagree with that sentiment in this scenario. However, expecting that powder keg to be a past issue on the assumption that the passage of time lessens the need to address it, when they both know it's been brushed under the carpet/avoided in all that time, is naive at best, but definitely selfish & manipulative in leaving the groom to try & figure out how to avoid it happening at his wedding.

And STBFIL milky? Do you recognisehisactions here as manipulative?

^^^ This.Exactly.

SandyY2K

Its only sensible because it fits your view.

Even if he doesn't lie (as his "D"M wants him to) this will have ramifications for him.
His relationship with his dad.
His relationship with his SM
His relationship with any step siblings.

and of course any "family" events further down the line.

I agree with imperial too. The OW didn't have the grace 20 years ago not to steal somebody else's husband but she should have it now. I doubt she will though

Boney, there were always going to be ramifications for the groom, irrespective of his DM's response to the guest list including the SM. His DF made clear how much it meant to him to be able to attend the wedding with his DW. If he'd replied by saying 'how will that work then dad, given your DW/SM & my DM haven't spoken in 20yrs? Do you not think that puts me in a really difficult position with my DM?' Would those ramifications not happen?

Even if he doesn't lie (as his "D"M wants him to) this will have ramifications for him.

I'd be more concerned about hurting the betrayed party over any of those who did wrong.

My sisters FIL is remarried. My BILs mum did not want the SM on the top table at the wedding. SM was informed that she would be seated elsewhere and she refused to attend the wedding if she wasn't sat next to sister's FIL.

She was very angry and said that my sisters MIL wanted to create the impression that she didn't exist and be sat next to sisters FIL, as is she was the wife.

She was not ever the OW, but my BIL put his mum's feelings over his SMs and rightly so.

My SIL is a stepmother to my niece and nephew. She wasn't an OW, but if her presence at an event regarding the DCs meant their mother would not attend, she would sit it out, because she loves my niece and nephew, and wouldn't want them to have to choose and get stressed out, or for their mum to miss out and she has done just that.

An example being a ballet performance my niece was doing. My niece told my brother she wanted both her mum and his wife there, but her mum wasn't happy about it.

My brother explained this to his wife and she said she didn't want my niece to be torn or upset over it and sat it out, with no problem. And she she did not contribute to ending the marriage.

That's what a decent person would IMO.

A PP mentioned my therapy work. My views as an individual are not always the same as my views when supporting individuals or couples.

Any old marriage etiquette book (so despised by people on here) will tell you that the second spouse plays a very small part in the marriage of step children, deliberately because of situations like this. The parents of the marrying couple take precedence over the step parents, and their wishes should be respected. The second wife should stay away, if that is what the groom's mother wants, and the groom in this situation should make this clear to his father and the second wife. However, I doubt very much that she will agree, thus setting up a second round of unhappiness within the family and causing more damage to the step- children.

I feel that your husband's mum is actually putting her son first......something she has probably done hundreds of times over the years. Only she knows the whole truth regarding the OW, and how it impacted on her life. However, if the hurt is still so deeply felt all these years later, it must have been bad. She is not ranting and raving and spitting venom, rather, just quietly - and it sounds with dignity - telling you that this is something she is unable to do. It will be breaking her heart, but she is obviously aware that her being in the company of the woman who stole her life, would create so many problems that your wedding could well be tarnished.

Your husband has a hard choice to make, but should remember who has always been there for him, and who even now is thinking if him.

PlectrumElectrum

Yes there are going to be ramifications whatever he does, its why so many people have said invite them both and see what happens.

The parents are including their son in a battle that has never been his, neither of them gets much (or any respect from me).

Sandy

My niece told my brother she wanted both her mum and his wife there

So who loses out? Quite simply the niece does.
Is it fair on the niece who wanted both of them there?
What was explained to the niece?

OP, just a thought. Do you think it might be helpful if your parents and DFIL and DMIL get together quite soon, to meet each other before the wedding? Perhaps over coffee in a quietist cafe. It might help your DMIL to feel comfortable rather than the first time she sees her ex being at an ocassion where all eyes will be upon her. That might be the opportunity for your DS to bring up the matter of SM's attendance at the wedding (so long as he pre-warns his DM).

I can see that this might be very difficult for MIL, but surely easier than it all coming to a climax at the wedding. And he can tell his DF that the reason his wife isn't invited to the cafe is so that tensions can be got out of the way before the wedding.

You might think this is a very bad idea, and it probably is!

OP, you said you've been engaged for a while. Has this issue not been brought up by anyone during this time? Presumably MIL knew that there would be a wedding at some point so has had some time to consider the possibility that all 3 of them might have to be in the same room.

BTW, we had this when we got engaged. MIL cheated on FIL and left him and had a child, but that didn't work out and was on partner number 7 approx post Fil. So there were at least 3 waiting in the wings for an invite.
We eloped.

And STBFIL milky? Do you recognise his actions here as manipulative

Maybe I'm naive but someone's dad and stepmum saying they're looking forward to a wedding doesn't strike me as manipulative at all, why wouldn't they be looking forward to it? They have no reason to assume they wouldn't be invited and therefore no reason to drop manipulative hints about their wish to be there. They have a seemingly good relationship with op and her dh so I am sure they solid assume they would be invited regardless of mil as it's not her day or her guest list to make.

I agree with imperial too. The OW didn't have the grace 20 years ago not to steal somebody else's husband but she should have it now. I doubt she will though

You cannot steal someone who does not want to be stolen.

Why is FIL not to blame, he is the one who cheated on his wife.

The second wife should stay away, if that is what the groom's mother wants

And what about what the groom wants? It is his wedding after all....

The OW didn't have the grace 20 years ago not to steal somebody else's husband but she should have it now. I doubt she will though She didn't steal anything. FIL happily started an affair knowing he had a wife & a family. He left said wife and family. He did so willingly.

Pingpang You would think she would have raised it sooner, but no...not until the venue was booked

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife. MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too

OP, we were in exactly the same situation as you and your DP, even down to FIL now having been married to his second wife longer than to MIL.

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but we ended up inviting step-M but knowing that she wouldn't attend because DP explained how much additional stress it would cause for her to be there (in addition to MIL and FIL being in the same room for the first time in 20 years).

We continued this position (and other siblings followed suite) until we started getting into important events involving the DC, who obviously wanted all their grandparents there. We told DH's mother in advance that step-M was going to be at the event - we're pretty certain that she decided she couldn't face it, although the official story was that she had a migraine.

We decided that was her choice - there comes a point when as children we can't keep refereeing between our parents. We had been respectful for the big things (wedding, christenings, first birthdays), but it was unfair on the children to continue, as they have a good relationship with step-M themselves. I think that there have been two occasions where MIL and step-M have both been present, and they have said hello but nothing more.

It probably helps that DH's family is not confrontational - better to pretend it's not happening, stiff upper lips chaps! So no chance of recitals and cup finals being ruined by a slanging match between the two senior MrsWimples

My position was that I would always support DH in what he wanted to do, but he had to be the one to have the conversations with everyone involved - even when MIL kept asking me about one event, I kept directing her back to DH to discuss the issue. It's really really not my place to get involved, as difficult as it can be at times.

Good luck - I hope you find a way to resolve things

And what about what the groom wants? It is his wedding after all.... Oh come on, milky... the groom is a man, we KNOW that what a MAN wants isn't important, he OWES his mother because she decided to have a child some 20+ ago, we KNOW that the spurned woman is ALWAYS the priority, even though this isn't actually HER wedding day, of course it's HER wedding day!

And she will ruin it if she wants to...and we should kid ourselves that it is because the other nasty mean woman stole her husband, and because she raised her son with no help from anyone else, and her son should bow down and be grateful of that for ever, because she is being protective and everything, so he should also lie to his father and SM, thus creating a divide and damaging that relationship which is probably what MIL wants, anyway and that with his step-siblings to help her cover narcissist tendencies pain, because we all know that you can never show your true colours feelings, while she gets to gleefully know that she is more manipulative important to her son than anyone else ever!

Poor op

(child of a narcissistic mother here)

As pps have said, what happens now sets a precedent for every other event in the future. And you, as the outsider, if you try and talk to MIL or Fil, will be forever labelled the meddling beeyatch who stirred up trouble in the family.

BIL needs to speak to FIL and tell him what's happening. While I feel sorry for MIL, she is doing a bit too much dictating about what happens and who says what to whom.

Another vote for Imperials response. I know it's easy for the woman to be vilified when in fact, his DF is the cheater, but the fact of the matter is that it's more important for the grooms mother to attend than her. Given the circumstances, she should do this gracefully and willingly.

NO, what is most important is that op & her OH have the day THEY want on the ONE day that this is all about THEM. Not mum, not dad, not stepmum, but the BRIDE and GROOM.

If an adult cannot steal themselves to put their child first, for once...not their hurt feelings, their vendettas, their games, their one-up-manship, but their CHILD'S feelings...then quite frankly, they aren't adults that I would want at my wedding. The mother is making this all about her, her feelings, and her need to keep secrets from her exdh. All at her son's expense. He will not look back on this day fondly if she continues her game playing.

My mantra is "you make me choose, you'll lose"

My mantra is "you make me choose, you'll lose"

In this situation the FIL asked the dhtb to choose first, therefore he's the prick.

Surely you just invite your parents, if doing anything else would hurt them, why do they need their bed warmer on their arm?

If you read enough step parenting posts on here, you'd know that stepmothers are sometimes doing more child raising than the fathers.( Taking annual leave, pick ups/drop offs, holiday childcare...) so they are more than bed warmers.